I am in shock right now and have been walking around in a daze for the past 18 hours trying to pretend to everyone that everything is fine.
I will try not to go on for too long but probably will so apologies in advanceÖ..I am 31 and have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 17. We have been married for 5 years and I canít imagine life without him. We are soul mates and best friends as well as husband and wife. I love our relationship, we bicker occasionally but hardly ever disagree on anything serious and I have always considered us to be uncomplicated and always thought we were happier together than anyone else we know. I have trusted him implicitly and because of that have never been jealous about who he is talking to when he goes out or who he is with.
I feel sick even writing this down Ė but last night I went into his wallet to get a card I needed, and saw a receipt from a clinic. I wasnít even snooping, just saw the clinic name and date on the paper when I opened up the wallet Ė the day was Saturday when I was out all day and he had told me that he was at home all day. I didnít look at what the receipt was for but I was worried that there was something serious wrong that he hadnít wanted to worry me about before he had results or whatever, so I asked him if he had been to see a doctor on Saturday. A look of confusion and panic crossed his face and he said no. I said I had seen a receipt in his wallet and he said that yes he had been and it was for a problem he has that flares up sometimes that I am aware of. I said it was very strange that he hadnít mentioned it to me and he just said sorry. I obviously then looked upset and he said not to worry and he hadnít meant to hide it from me. I said that it certainly felt like he had as we tell each other every small detail of our days usually and he had also withdrawn cash to pay the doctor rather than using the bank card as I would see the transaction. I was even more worried now that something bad was wrong but never in a million years would I have guessed what was to come. I went into the other room for 5 minutes and then called him in and said I needed him to tell me what was wrong.
He started to cry and said he had done something stupidÖ..a couple of weeks before he had been out with a good friend who was getting married a few days later. I donít know the details and I donít think I want to Ė but basically they both slept with other women and he has since had some symptoms which have led him to believe he had to get tested for STDs. I am horrified, disgusted, embarrassed, sickened, heartbroken. We have slept together twice since but thank goodness we used a condom as I had missed pills.
I have hardly said anything at all to him, I have been very silent which seems to be scaring him but I just feel like it isnít really happening, how can this be happening to us?
He asked if I wanted him to go and stay somewhere else and I said no Ė I immediately felt like I was going to give him another chance but I didnít tell him this. I was so hurt but didn't want him not to be near me. If you had asked me 2 weeks ago how I would have reacted to this I would have said that it would absolutely be the end of us but that isnít what I want.
But I just have absolutely no idea what to do now. How to react, how to treat him, how to trust him again. He woke me up this morning crying and apologizing, he didnít look like he had a wink of sleep. He had written me a huge email saying how he feels and why he loves me and how sick he feels with himself and he has never done it before and never will do again. I believe that he thinks he wonít but Iíve told him I worry that if I say it is OK then it gives him the green light.
I have decided that it isnít over although I wonder if I am being a mug, he swears I am not and he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me so only time will tell. I emailed him back (not ideal I know but we are at work all day and have plans tonight that we canít get out of) and said that if he did anything to hurt me ever again I wouldnít have to think for more than 2 seconds before telling him it was over and she shouldnít ever forget that.
He says he has ruined everything and doesnít deserve my forgiveness, he says he has betrayed me in the worst possible way and he never wanted me to look at him the way I did last night. Loads of other stuff too and I can see he feels absolutely terrible but so he should, he has ruined everything. Almost the worst bit is that I was the only person he had ever been with and now, after 15 years together, I am not.
I want him to suffer for a while even though for some stupid reason it is killing me to be horrible to him Ė but he canít do something like this and then I am fine with him a day later. But how long? What do I say to him? We never have serious fights so giving him such a hard time doesnít come naturally. I let him stay in our bed last night but not talking or touchingÖÖ I donít know how quickly or slowly to take things, I just donít know what to do now and how we are going to get back what we had that felt so special.
I am sorry for your pain. Know that you will receive some great opinions and advice here, but it will be up to you to be strong enough to implement the things suggested.
You have to take some time to process how you feel and no one can tell you how much time you need. It is up to you.
He is saying the right things, but he must answer any and all questions you have for him. It may have been the one and only time he has ever done anything like this, you need to understand though, that it is unlikely the truth. If you want to R with him then you need to be sure he is being 100% truthful. I would at some point demand a polygraph test be taken. He has betrayed your trust in the worst way, so to blindly accept the words he is saying today would be foolish of you IMO.
You need to get tested for STD's immediately. If he passes the polygraph and is DOING all the right things not just saying the right things and you wish to try to salvage your M with him. At that point it is time for MC to get to the bottom of why this happened.
These are just the few steps you can take to take control over him and the situation and show him you are in charge now. His words should not be enough..
Lots of great people will be here to help you. Read some of the other threads of other people going through this so gain some perspective.
Stay strong, you are worth it!