My soul mate has broken my heart
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-07-2013, 06:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My soul mate has broken my heart

I am in shock right now and have been walking around in a daze for the past 18 hours trying to pretend to everyone that everything is fine.

I will try not to go on for too long but probably will so apologies in advanceÖ..I am 31 and have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 17. We have been married for 5 years and I canít imagine life without him. We are soul mates and best friends as well as husband and wife. I love our relationship, we bicker occasionally but hardly ever disagree on anything serious and I have always considered us to be uncomplicated and always thought we were happier together than anyone else we know. I have trusted him implicitly and because of that have never been jealous about who he is talking to when he goes out or who he is with.

I feel sick even writing this down Ė but last night I went into his wallet to get a card I needed, and saw a receipt from a clinic. I wasnít even snooping, just saw the clinic name and date on the paper when I opened up the wallet Ė the day was Saturday when I was out all day and he had told me that he was at home all day. I didnít look at what the receipt was for but I was worried that there was something serious wrong that he hadnít wanted to worry me about before he had results or whatever, so I asked him if he had been to see a doctor on Saturday. A look of confusion and panic crossed his face and he said no. I said I had seen a receipt in his wallet and he said that yes he had been and it was for a problem he has that flares up sometimes that I am aware of. I said it was very strange that he hadnít mentioned it to me and he just said sorry. I obviously then looked upset and he said not to worry and he hadnít meant to hide it from me. I said that it certainly felt like he had as we tell each other every small detail of our days usually and he had also withdrawn cash to pay the doctor rather than using the bank card as I would see the transaction. I was even more worried now that something bad was wrong but never in a million years would I have guessed what was to come. I went into the other room for 5 minutes and then called him in and said I needed him to tell me what was wrong.

He started to cry and said he had done something stupidÖ..a couple of weeks before he had been out with a good friend who was getting married a few days later. I donít know the details and I donít think I want to Ė but basically they both slept with other women and he has since had some symptoms which have led him to believe he had to get tested for STDs. I am horrified, disgusted, embarrassed, sickened, heartbroken. We have slept together twice since but thank goodness we used a condom as I had missed pills.

I have hardly said anything at all to him, I have been very silent which seems to be scaring him but I just feel like it isnít really happening, how can this be happening to us?

He asked if I wanted him to go and stay somewhere else and I said no Ė I immediately felt like I was going to give him another chance but I didnít tell him this. I was so hurt but didn't want him not to be near me. If you had asked me 2 weeks ago how I would have reacted to this I would have said that it would absolutely be the end of us but that isnít what I want.
But I just have absolutely no idea what to do now. How to react, how to treat him, how to trust him again. He woke me up this morning crying and apologizing, he didnít look like he had a wink of sleep. He had written me a huge email saying how he feels and why he loves me and how sick he feels with himself and he has never done it before and never will do again. I believe that he thinks he wonít but Iíve told him I worry that if I say it is OK then it gives him the green light.

I have decided that it isnít over although I wonder if I am being a mug, he swears I am not and he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me so only time will tell. I emailed him back (not ideal I know but we are at work all day and have plans tonight that we canít get out of) and said that if he did anything to hurt me ever again I wouldnít have to think for more than 2 seconds before telling him it was over and she shouldnít ever forget that.
He says he has ruined everything and doesnít deserve my forgiveness, he says he has betrayed me in the worst possible way and he never wanted me to look at him the way I did last night. Loads of other stuff too and I can see he feels absolutely terrible but so he should, he has ruined everything. Almost the worst bit is that I was the only person he had ever been with and now, after 15 years together, I am not.

I want him to suffer for a while even though for some stupid reason it is killing me to be horrible to him Ė but he canít do something like this and then I am fine with him a day later. But how long? What do I say to him? We never have serious fights so giving him such a hard time doesnít come naturally. I let him stay in our bed last night but not talking or touchingÖÖ I donít know how quickly or slowly to take things, I just donít know what to do now and how we are going to get back what we had that felt so special.
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Old 10-07-2013, 06:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My soul mate has broken my heart

Sorry this has happened to you. I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm going to get IC for myself. Maybe you could do the same to sort out your feelings and all the crazy emotions we're both going through. In my case, reconciliation isn't an option but maybe it is the way to go for you guys.

Listen to the other posters. They have, unfortunately, a world of wisdom to share.
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My soul mate has broken my heart

Thanks thrall, I am so sorry you are going through this as well.

Talking to someone sounds like a good idea.

I can't and don't want to imagine life without him - the only reason I would leave would be to hurt him as much as he has hurt me, not because it is what I want. That was almost an easy decision, I just haven't a clue how to get back what we had.
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I am in shock right now and have been walking around in a daze for the past 18 hours trying to pretend to everyone that everything is fine.

I will try not to go on for too long but probably will so apologies in advanceÖ..I am 31 and have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 17. We have been married for 5 years and I canít imagine life without him. We are soul mates and best friends as well as husband and wife. I love our relationship, we bicker occasionally but hardly ever disagree on anything serious and I have always considered us to be uncomplicated and always thought we were happier together than anyone else we know. I have trusted him implicitly and because of that have never been jealous about who he is talking to when he goes out or who he is with.

I feel sick even writing this down Ė but last night I went into his wallet to get a card I needed, and saw a receipt from a clinic. I wasnít even snooping, just saw the clinic name and date on the paper when I opened up the wallet Ė the day was Saturday when I was out all day and he had told me that he was at home all day. I didnít look at what the receipt was for but I was worried that there was something serious wrong that he hadnít wanted to worry me about before he had results or whatever, so I asked him if he had been to see a doctor on Saturday. A look of confusion and panic crossed his face and he said no. I said I had seen a receipt in his wallet and he said that yes he had been and it was for a problem he has that flares up sometimes that I am aware of. I said it was very strange that he hadnít mentioned it to me and he just said sorry. I obviously then looked upset and he said not to worry and he hadnít meant to hide it from me. I said that it certainly felt like he had as we tell each other every small detail of our days usually and he had also withdrawn cash to pay the doctor rather than using the bank card as I would see the transaction. I was even more worried now that something bad was wrong but never in a million years would I have guessed what was to come. I went into the other room for 5 minutes and then called him in and said I needed him to tell me what was wrong.

He started to cry and said he had done something stupidÖ..a couple of weeks before he had been out with a good friend who was getting married a few days later. I donít know the details and I donít think I want to Ė but basically they both slept with other women and he has since had some symptoms which have led him to believe he had to get tested for STDs. I am horrified, disgusted, embarrassed, sickened, heartbroken. We have slept together twice since but thank goodness we used a condom as I had missed pills.

I have hardly said anything at all to him, I have been very silent which seems to be scaring him but I just feel like it isnít really happening, how can this be happening to us?

He asked if I wanted him to go and stay somewhere else and I said no Ė I immediately felt like I was going to give him another chance but I didnít tell him this. I was so hurt but didn't want him not to be near me. If you had asked me 2 weeks ago how I would have reacted to this I would have said that it would absolutely be the end of us but that isnít what I want.
But I just have absolutely no idea what to do now. How to react, how to treat him, how to trust him again. He woke me up this morning crying and apologizing, he didnít look like he had a wink of sleep. He had written me a huge email saying how he feels and why he loves me and how sick he feels with himself and he has never done it before and never will do again. I believe that he thinks he wonít but Iíve told him I worry that if I say it is OK then it gives him the green light.

I have decided that it isnít over although I wonder if I am being a mug, he swears I am not and he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me so only time will tell. I emailed him back (not ideal I know but we are at work all day and have plans tonight that we canít get out of) and said that if he did anything to hurt me ever again I wouldnít have to think for more than 2 seconds before telling him it was over and she shouldnít ever forget that.
He says he has ruined everything and doesnít deserve my forgiveness, he says he has betrayed me in the worst possible way and he never wanted me to look at him the way I did last night. Loads of other stuff too and I can see he feels absolutely terrible but so he should, he has ruined everything. Almost the worst bit is that I was the only person he had ever been with and now, after 15 years together, I am not.

I want him to suffer for a while even though for some stupid reason it is killing me to be horrible to him Ė but he canít do something like this and then I am fine with him a day later. But how long? What do I say to him? We never have serious fights so giving him such a hard time doesnít come naturally. I let him stay in our bed last night but not talking or touchingÖÖ I donít know how quickly or slowly to take things, I just donít know what to do now and how we are going to get back what we had that felt so special.
I am sorry for your pain. Know that you will receive some great opinions and advice here, but it will be up to you to be strong enough to implement the things suggested.
You have to take some time to process how you feel and no one can tell you how much time you need. It is up to you.
He is saying the right things, but he must answer any and all questions you have for him. It may have been the one and only time he has ever done anything like this, you need to understand though, that it is unlikely the truth. If you want to R with him then you need to be sure he is being 100% truthful. I would at some point demand a polygraph test be taken. He has betrayed your trust in the worst way, so to blindly accept the words he is saying today would be foolish of you IMO.
You need to get tested for STD's immediately. If he passes the polygraph and is DOING all the right things not just saying the right things and you wish to try to salvage your M with him. At that point it is time for MC to get to the bottom of why this happened.
These are just the few steps you can take to take control over him and the situation and show him you are in charge now. His words should not be enough..
Lots of great people will be here to help you. Read some of the other threads of other people going through this so gain some perspective.
Stay strong, you are worth it!
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My soul mate has broken my heart

Heartbroken I really feel for you. Infedelity is a terrible thing to happen in a relationship. It destroys so much. Your old relationship is over and you will have to rebuild an entirely new one...and its not gonna be easy.

Your H needs to do everything he can to rebuild your trust in him. I would start off with MC. That's a MUST! Then read the rest of the threads on this site as he will need to follow some rules to show he is sincerely remorseful.
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks thrall, I am so sorry you are going through this as well.

Talking to someone sounds like a good idea.

I can't and don't want to imagine life without him - the only reason I would leave would be to hurt him as much as he has hurt me, not because it is what I want. That was almost an easy decision, I just haven't a clue how to get back what we had.
Don't do that Heartbroken. You will feel disgusted with yourself afterwards. Believe me I know exactly what you are going through and cheating on him will not help your situation whatsoever.

I wanted to do the same to my partner when I found out. I wanted to give him a taste of the pain he gave me. But I am so proud that I didn't do anything detrimental to myself. My self respect is intact and this is really important in a situation like this.

Last edited by hibiscus; 10-07-2013 at 07:23 AM.
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks for the advice everyone, it is good to talk on here as I just don't want to talk to any of my friends - I know it sounds ridiculous but I just don't want any of them to think he is a terrible person even though that is maybe what he deserves.

And people who have never been in this situation would think I am stupid for not ending things immediately.

I will definitely look into the counselling and do need to get myself tested as well, this whole thing is just disgusting :-(
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks for the advice everyone, it is good to talk on here as I just don't want to talk to any of my friends - I know it sounds ridiculous but I just don't want any of them to think he is a terrible person even though that is maybe what he deserves.

And people who have never been in this situation would think I am stupid for not ending things immediately.

I will definitely look into the counselling and do need to get myself tested as well, this whole thing is just disgusting :-(
Nothing you write sounds ridiculous.Its a horrible situation to be in. Do what you think is right for you and post on here for advice. I made the mistake of telling the whole world about my partner's cheating. It was the wrong move..too many opinions..just sounded like noise.

And no you are not stupid to give him another chance (so long as he is sincerely remorseful and pulling his weight to fix things). The trust can be rebuild but its a very slow process.
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My soul mate has broken my heart

You are in a position that many people here would like to be in. You have a remorseful cheater. It may not feel like it now but based on what you have said your marriage has a chance of recovery.
It will be a long road and one that ultimately you may not want to take but you really don't have to decide anything now.
This is a roller coaster and a long one at that. We all react differently to betrayal and there is no judgement here as to which route is the correct one. be that Reconciliation or Divorce. Only you can really decide that, but, like I say. There is no rush.


Other people will give you practical advice for Divorce and 'lawyering' up.

Be aware that cheaters lie straight to your face. They always minimise the extent and the length of the affair.
It MAY be a one night stand, but it may be something he does a lot and he finally caught something and you finally caught him out.
At the moment you do not know. Find out.

Strangely with someone you are intimate with will tend to look you straight in the eye [and hold the gaze] as they lie. Look for that when you ask questions.

Please try and get some sleep and look after yourself.
Do some exercise to clear the by-products of adrenalin.
Eat something.. Really.
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks, I am so grateful for the advice I can't even begin to tell you, it is so good to hear someone say I am not being stupid and I can react however I like, I feel like I am strange for just going quiet and not throwing plates at his head. He is definitely remorseful, no doubt about that. And I do think I believe it hasn't happened before, this sounds very naive but we always say 'swear on my life' about things, sometimes silly and sometimes serious - and we can never lie when we say that, and I made him say it, I made him swear on his mother's life. He wouldn't usually get the opportunity as doesn't have many boys nights out and if he does he comes home to me - this night he and his friend stayed in a hotel as they were out in a different city.

ing it is interesting what you say about lying - when I ask him questions he buries his head in his hands as he answers so at least he is not looking me in the eye if that is a bad sign.

I am dreading seeing him tonight as just feel so weird and don't know how to behave. We are seeing friends so will have to put a smile on my face and try to act normal.
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Old 10-07-2013, 08:04 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Whatever you do it's important that you do not let him beg and cling you into rugsweeping this. You decide what YOU need and want to move forward, and if he can't respect that it will tell you whether it's all about you or him. I also find it a little troubling that he slept with you knowing he had STD symptoms. FYI: cheaters swear on lives and graves all the time. Not saying your hb is lying, just that the swearing on his mother doesn't mean he's not lying.
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Old 10-07-2013, 08:13 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Apparently the symptoms only started after a week which, if it is true, means he wasn't noticing anything when we slept together. And it does make sense as he has been very 'tired and headachey' at bedtime for the past week. Not like him at all.

Totally agree that I shouldn't let him make me overlook this, I need to make him remember the next few days/weeks/months as the worst time of his life.
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Old 10-07-2013, 08:19 AM   #13 (permalink)
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just had to step in and remind you that you are already believing the words. Swearing on his mothers life would be pretty easy for some one with the moral character he has displayed to you. Try and be stronger than buying what you want to believe. It will be all he is selling for a while, but if he suffers no real consequences for what he has done, that will be a big mistake IMO.

BTW- have you thought about contacting the wife/fiance/gf of the buddy he was with that night. His words are they both did this that night...right? She should know what you were told. She could be contracting an STD as well.

Polygraph parking lot confessions are very common and are a very good way to attempt to find out the truth. If he is lying or there have been others, you will most likely find out when he confesses in the parking lot before going in for the polygraph.

This will also humiliate him and that is a consequence he needs to have.

You want to believe him and we all understand that. Know that believing the WS is not smart at all. The person you thought you knew and trusted is gone. If you R with him it will be done on your terms and it will be a complete rebuild of a relationship as the old one is ruined.

Keep your chin up and continue to read and gain the strength needed to hold his feet to the fire.
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Old 10-07-2013, 08:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Thanks nogutsnoglory, you are right in that I probably shouldn't be so believing of him - I will grill him some more.

I can't decide if I want to know details of what he did, I feel sick when he think about it and imagine the worst so maybe the truth isn't even as bad but I just don't think I can bear to hear him talk about it. I did ask if the girl knew he was married and he said that she did - I had imagined him taking off his ring or saying he was single.

Well his friend - now this is horrible - was getting married 4 days later. I went to the wedding and saw him crying whilst making a speech in honour of his beautiful new wife, no wonder he was crying. Right now they are on their honeymoon. I know this may be wrong but I am not going to tell his new wife, I have told my husband that he must tell his friend that I know, I don't want him thinking they have this horrible little secret. I just feel that telling her would set off a huge load of other problems that I just don't have the strength to deal with and I just don't think I could do that to her at what is supposed to be the happiest time of her life. I just hope he remains terrified that I might tell her.
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Old 10-07-2013, 08:47 AM   #15 (permalink)
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You are betraying the new bride by not telling her the truth , and what if she now has an STD from her cheating husband too?

You need to tell her.


As for your husband - I'd suggest you get a polygraph test done. He was awfully cool , calm and collected about Saturday up to you confronting him.

This is very possibly not his first time.
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