Starting to HATE Facebook!!!
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Old 04-15-2010, 11:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Starting to HATE Facebook!!!

Found out hubby had EA in Aug. and since then he has not had any contact with the ow. I told him at the time that I didn't think married men shoud have female friends but single ones to please stay away from and I thought he knew how I felt about the female friendship thing but last night was checking facebook and I normally post cute little love letters on his wall and noticed a girl's name that he just accepted as a friend so I clicked on her and she is single which started me getting upset and then I asked who she was and he really didn't have a answer just some friend of his and his best friend that leaves near his bf. I told him I didn't like it and he told me I could delete her which I did. But it still made me upset about it like he didn't care that I had asked him to not be friends with females that I thought it was disrespectful to me and his answer was I just don't want him to have any friends. Then the rest of the night he just wanted to make love to me which I was in no mood to do but did give in to him. Should I just let this drop and see what else he does? Or should I really sit him down again and explain that I don't think he should be friends with females again? Thanks for any help!!
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Old 04-15-2010, 01:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Starting to HATE Facebook!!!

A couple of observations:

Quote:
I told him I didn't like it and he told me I could delete her which I did.
Next time, HE deletes her. By 'letting' you do it, he can now be angry that you delete his friends (silly, yes, and trivial, but he needs to be proactive and take responsibility himself...)

Quote:
I told him I didn't like it and he told me I could delete her which I did. But it still made me upset about it like he didn't care that I had asked him to not be friends with females that I thought it was disrespectful to me and his answer was I just don't want him to have any friends...[snip]...Should I just let this drop and see what else he does? Or should I really sit him down again and explain that I don't think he should be friends with females again?
I suggest TWO things. First, yes, sit down with him and talk to him. Use a very specific formula when you do it:

This is the WTFS (When, Think, Feel, So) formula:

1) When you have single female friends

2) I Think that you don't respect me...

3) I Feel betrayed and unloved

4) So I respectfully request that you no longer have single females as friends.

(Use your own words - I just inserted mine to give you an idea...)

Second, have you taken the Love Buster's quiz with him yet? If not - make a respectful request that he do it with you.

You've experienced the pain of an affair already - but unless you do some work on your marriage there is still danger of a repeat - and what is more - YOU are in a position to do so (regardless of your objections...)

There's a HUGE difference between someone returning to the marriage - and someone working on recovery in the marriage. On top of that, it isn't just enough to RECOVER what you had. There were problems in what you had that resulted in an affair. Building a better marriage is always a good idea...

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Old 04-15-2010, 03:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Starting to HATE Facebook!!!

God bless you Tanelornpete! Mrsbroken, I too am going through what you are. Though the details are different, the basic premise is the same. The best "advice" I can give you is to read lots of stuff on these pages. Especially what Tanelornpete writes. Yes, it seems like such common sense when someone else says it, and no, it isn't easy retraining your brain and your reactions. But maybe by reading and rereading these pages, not only do we not feel alone, we'll begin to "get it!" I'll be thinking of you.
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Old 04-15-2010, 04:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Starting to HATE Facebook!!!

Just to confuse you further...

I have single female friends, and I KNOW that they've never been a problem to our marriage. On the other hand, I'm on FB maybe 15 minutes per day.

For my wife, it was actually the MARRIED men that were the issue.

I think Pete is dead on - try talking to him first thing.

Also to consider though is the amount of time he spends on FB. If its real brief and casual, then maybe you should let it go.
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Old 04-15-2010, 05:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Starting to HATE Facebook!!!

Both of us are on facebook on and off all day!! He has a bad habbit of accepting everyone that ask him because he does drive at our local race track and doesn't want any of his fans mad at him. But he said he knows this women and even told me that she lives near his bf. Before the EA i wouldn't think a thing about it but now every women he talks to am wondering will he turn this friendship into something else again. See he told me before his EA that him and the OW was just friends so I trusted him and ended up with a broken heart because she was telling him how great he is and that I just wasn't the right women for him and I didn't support him in his hobby she kept telling him it was all me and it took my awhile to break him from believing everything she said. I love my hubby but I am begaining to think he doesn't respect me at all..
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Old 04-15-2010, 05:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Starting to HATE Facebook!!!

Quote:
Just to confuse you further...
Gee, thanks niceguy!!!!
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Old 04-15-2010, 06:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Starting to HATE Facebook!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsbroken View Post
...and it took my awhile to break him from believing everything she said. I love my hubby but I am beginning to think he doesn't respect me at all..
Hey, Mrsbroken...

I don't mean this mean or anything, but tell me you don't mean it like this sounds: "...break him..."? I envision breaking a wild horse or breaking someone's spirit. Perhaps you mean something closer to "get him to understand" but the terminology "break him" sort of implies some ENORMOUS disrespect for him--he's not a pet to be trained after all, but a person who's wants and preferences are exactly equal to and just as important as your own.

So would you mind clearing this up for us? I would suspect that if you want him to respect you and your preferences, that you also respect HIM and are willing to hear him.
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Old 04-15-2010, 08:21 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Starting to HATE Facebook!!!

What was happening when I first found out about the EA he believed everything she said if I said that the sky was blue and she said it was green he would fight with me and tell me I was wrong that the shy was green. Silly as this example is that the way I felt that as long as she had him under her spell he would not listen to anything I said or did. He moved out because she told him that I wasn't good enough for him. It was like she was a bad drug to him and after he went through withdrawls from her drug he was back to being a loving hubby and would listen to me about how I felt about what he had done. I never hit him or broke his spirit just kept fighting for our marriage we would get into fights almost daily over her and what he did. So I feel like he should show me some respect and not have all these single female friends or so called friends he is just asking to step back into his old pattern
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