my husband's deceit - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 04-16-2010, 03:55 AM Thread Starter
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my husband's deceit

I have been married for 26 years. Our marraige has had it's ups abd downs but I always thought we have something postive and I can really say that not in a million years did I suspect my husband of been deceitful and adultrous. My husband has always suffered from a low self esteem, moodiness and irritability but as a family we learned to live around these negatives and all coped quite well. I am a successfull businesswoman and about 5 years ago he joined me and I saw a tremendouse improvement in his confidence and all was well. During 2008 we had a very busy year and he battled with the pressure. His doctor put on an anti depressant and he bacame a happy easy person to live with again. I have a teenage daughter and she was thrilled that her dad was so happy. My husband has always needed someone to boost his ego and I always did so that we could have a happy home. The only downside of the anti depressant is that it made him slightly impotent. To me the diminished sex was no problem as we had a harmonious home. Our business got very quiet from may last year, 2009 and this depressed my husband. I told him not to worry as we are financially secure and he still had some work and he should play golf ect. he is 49 years old. In about October I noticed that he had not being taking his anti depressants and his comment was that he does not need them all the time as he has no stress and he did not like the decreases sex drive. I thought this a bit odd as our sex life had not been so great. I was doing final year university studies so this took up my time. In december we went on a fantastic holiday, diving at Sodwana bay. In january we went to Argentina and Brazil. Our sex life was fantastic and my husband has always enjoyed fantasizing which I have not minded. I however noticed that his fantasies remained the same and that was that he would love to have sex with a black woman. I asked him a few times if his fantasy was a problem and he always said no its just "sex talk". When we came back he became increasingly miserable and morose and we begged him to go back on to the anti depressants. Over the easter weekend he sent an sms by mistake to my sister. She showed me and it was a disgusting lewd sms. My son of 24 noticed it was his dad's number. He of coarse said it was probably a network error and told me not to read too much into it. I however wanted to investigate it as I was concerned that somebody could have sent it to my daighter as she often uses our phones for mixit ect. Two days later he owned up and my worlf has literally fallen apart since then. I got alll the cell phone records and he has spent the last 7 to 8 months making contact and sending sms to loads of girls. All these girstl are young black girls from the local college. I also noticed that the numbers would change every month. Even while we were on holiday in Sodwana, he was miserable there not wanting to go to the beach ect, he connected with a local waitress and she told me he wanted sex from her. Our sex life was fantastic during that time so why, why, why??? He has not been honest and I have had to extract everything from him painfully and shockingly. Quite a few girls I spoke to said he had asked for a relationship and that he told them he was single. Most of them said to me they were not interested in him as he was too old they just used him because he gave them lifts and bought them airtime. he of coarse denied this and said they would not stop chaing him. He then admitted to having sex at least twice. I was devastated as I could not believe he could be so irresponsible and put my life at risk with HIV ect. He is very sorry but cannot seem to understand that I need time to get over it. he has gone to stay in another city with his sister and will be seeing a psychiatrist. I just dont know how remorseful he is as he is going to rugby on saturday and has now joined facebook??? I am totally. shell shocked by this all

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 04-16-2010, 05:21 AM
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Re: my husband's deceit

I'm sorry to hear of this. It sounds like he his going through something, whether it be from his emotional instability or mid-life crisis gone totally extreme. You can't change him, you can only take care of yourself right now. Take some time for you now and put all your focus on you and your daughter. Time will tell if he's going to do what he needs to do to make things right. You may want to seek counseling yourself to help you work through the shock.

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