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Examples of the cheater's Script in this thread A resource.

89K views 300 replies 108 participants last post by  MAJDEATH 
#1 · (Edited)
Since starting my time at TAM I have learned a great deal about the Cheater's Script.

It seems that almost everyone who has an affair be they a doctor, a lawyer, a mechanic or a secretary, follows, by-and-large, the Cheater's Script.

This morning on the way to work, I had an idea for a thread which would collect all the Cheater's Script nonsense that cheaters seem to follow.

I'll start of with a few, please add your own. Hopefully this thread will become a useful resource.

I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you.

Claims that the marriage has been "bad" for x number of months/years, though said nothing about this alleged problem beforehand.

And now it's your turn to add some examples culled from the Cheater's Script!:D
 
#210 ·
Upon confrontation: "...and she said "I don't love him. In fact I never did and I hate him now"."
I got this one too. It still confuses me. Really, after a 5 year long 'friendship', you can just turn off your emotions just like that? Even with all he did, I haven't been able to completely stop caring for him. I wish I could be that talented.
 
#214 ·
This one stands out as the biggest in my situation.

The blameshifting was the other one. That something I did caused it.

"I'm sorry you were hurt so bad." Not taking ownership after being caught. During counceling she got irate that I was emotional. She followed the script to the letter.

I haven't seen it on here, but she said my penis was too big and didn't enjoy sex with me. That one was pretty laughable.
 
#7 ·
Certain patterns when caught:

Immediate denial, blameshifting, and claims of innocence even with overwhelming proof as long as you didn’t walk in on the act... even then.. They are often also accusatory toward you with maybe you are having an affair, or are controlling or paranoid and jealous. Privacy suddenly becomes a really big deal to them. They will put on YOU the defensive. This is called deflection.

There is almost an immediate purge of anything they think might incriminate starting with emails and text messages. They also quickly password everything if they haven’t already.

There is also usually a contact made with the OP within hours of the confrontation to warn them. Watch for that.

Basically, have your ducks in a row and monitoring in place BEFORE you confront. Once they know they are watched, it becomes much, much harder to catch them or install anything and records disappear.
 
#9 ·
I've been wanting to mention this to my fellow TAM folks, but I always felt like I was gonna threadjack or whatever - Matt's thread seems like a suitable place:

"I was raped way back when."

Not only on here and from several people around me, I had heard this right after I learned that my girlfriend of 2 years was cheating on me with numerous guys (and women).

Now, the way I see it, one who got raped either goes into shock and shows tendency to hate menfolk altogether, or seeks help and tries to recover eventually. The way I see it, one who claims of rape doesn't turn into a promiscuous harlot, unless it's a very new level of lame excuse, made up with the shock of getting suddenly busted while cheating.

Now, my point is, does this "rape" phenomena have some scientific and physocologic basis? I haven't been able to find any reliable articles on this one, if anyone can point me to a "this is the one you should read" place, it'd be really appreciated.
 
#13 ·
"They have some marital problems and I'm helping them out."
"He just got a divorce and he needs help."
"His wife has been cheating on him for x years. Can you believe that?"


"Why can't I have [plural opposite sex] as friends? I fail to see anything wrong with that."

"I was being selfish and stupid."

"Don't worry, it's over now." (my good sir with caught text on the kitchen, with that tattooed car repair guys' friend and the wife crying curled up on the floor on confrontation day. Too drunk to remember your username but even I have triggers by that "Don't worry, it's over NOW" speech. Can only speculate about what you've gone through.)

(As a sidenote - those who possess incredible photographic memory like me, are bound to experience their triggers as blasts and double blasts. Even after so many years.)
 
#14 ·
I always liked the re-writing of marital history.

The spouse whom the WS promised to "love, honor and cherish" is suddenly not worth the effort.

All of those endearing qualities that made the WS fall in love with the BS are now immature, annoying and repulsive.

The WS suddenly realizes, after so many years together, that they never really loved the BS. It only took you so many years to realize that?

When the BS may have said no, disagreed or had their own opinion, they are now "selfish, controlling and abusive".

If the BS may have spent money on something for themselves or frivolous in the past, they are now "financially immature and irresponsible".

If a BS didn't agree with one of the WS's family members in the past, or never really warmed up to one of the WS's friends, and told the WS about it, then they were trying to "isolate" the WS.

If the BS was content in their job and not really actively pursuing a promotion or raise, then they "lacked ambition" and was therefore a "loser".

If the BS liked to have a drink or a beer every now and then, suddenly they were a "raging alcoholic".

If the BS was lenient with raising the children, let the kids play outside alone or they happened to scrape their knees when the WS was not home, then they are "horrible, neglectful parents".

If the WS had a dream or was considering a career change in the past, and the BS talked them out of it for a good, legitimate reason, then they were "standing in their way" and "holding them back".


There are many more, but I can't think of any now.:D
 
#142 ·
i always liked the re-writing of marital history.

The spouse whom the ws promised to "love, honor and cherish" is suddenly not worth the effort.

All of those endearing qualities that made the ws fall in love with the bs are now immature, annoying and repulsive.

The ws suddenly realizes, after so many years together, that they never really loved the bs. It only took you so many years to realize that?

When the bs may have said no, disagreed or had their own opinion, they are now "selfish, controlling and abusive".

If the bs may have spent money on something for themselves or frivolous in the past, they are now "financially immature and irresponsible".

If a bs didn't agree with one of the ws's family members in the past, or never really warmed up to one of the ws's friends, and told the ws about it, then they were trying to "isolate" the ws.

If the bs was content in their job and not really actively pursuing a promotion or raise, then they "lacked ambition" and was therefore a "loser".

If the bs liked to have a drink or a beer every now and then, suddenly they were a "raging alcoholic".

If the bs was lenient with raising the children, let the kids play outside alone or they happened to scrape their knees when the ws was not home, then they are "horrible, neglectful parents".

If the ws had a dream or was considering a career change in the past, and the bs talked them out of it for a good, legitimate reason, then they were "standing in their way" and "holding them back".


There are many more, but i can't think of any now.:d
omg yes!
 
#19 · (Edited)
Amazing how many of these I've heard first hand....

In the blame shifting category... "if you had been a better husband it wouldn't have happened" ie its your fault

" I needed someone to talk to.." ie You don't listen to me, I can't talk to you etc thus its still your fault

"I don't have a life!" ie You should have been providing for my daily entertainment while you were away at work etc thus its still your fault

"I'm so unhappy!" ie it was your job to make me happy and you didn't etc thus its still your fault
 
#21 ·
I have a business meeting
I had to pull cash to pay for something work related and will be reimbursed.
I didn't hear the phone ring
The battery died
The reception was bad
All the women at work are old, ugly, and married
I had to work late
The guys from work want to go out to dinner and discuss work


Beware of excuses that repeat or the same person used as an alibi.
Beware constant mention of a specific person's name, then suddenly no more mention of it.
 
#22 ·
I got the ILYBNLWY thing,let's be friends,you can come over work around the house
and see the kids for a little while,we have a father daughter relationship,(that one hurt bad )
You love the person you want me to be,let's date other people.
Finding hm was like finding a brother I have'nt seen in years,your being controlling,let's date
other people,you need to sleep in the spare room (I did for two months)
You're paranoid,you're delusional.
When I cried I was told I wasn't manly,don't touch me (I didn't for four months)
I didn't want to believe at all she was in a affar,even when I saw the soft eveidence on her phone.
At MC she stood firm on me leaving the house ( I would not do it )
I don't know who inhabited my wifes body then but after 20 months of R
We are doing really good,we barely...I barely made it....no we.
We did make it though and I'm pretty happy
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#25 ·
Beware continual comments about a friend/coworker's marital problems and what that person has said they would like to do as far as separation and divorce. My stbxh worked with a man and he and his wife were mutual friends of ours. Their marriage not the best and they did not keep it a secret. I suppose he was telling my husband things he wished he could do, such as throw her out or once the youngest child reached adulthood, divorce her. She would tell me their marriage was not good and also spoke of possible divorce. 10 years later they are still at it. My stbxh spoke of his friend's desire often. I felt it wasn't right to discuss other people's marital problems. Considering we had never spoken of separation or divorce, imagine my shock when our son reached adulthood and my husband left me homeless and holds our stuff hostage and went dark on me. I guess all those years he was projecting.
 
#26 · (Edited)
He did it for us!

Here's what he said when confronted with evidence: "I wanted to see if it would improve our sex life (and it didn't work). OK, we've talked about it. No need to ever bring it up again."
 
#29 ·
Don't forget about the trickle truth.

If you're new here you need to understand the upon confrontation only part of the truth will come out. As you keep up the pressure and ask questions a little more comes out. Maintaining a lie is very hard for a normal person to do. Most likely they will omit telling you everything you ask.

This will destroy your ability to trust anything you hear. You need to make sure WS knows they must come clean if there is to be any chance of reconciliation.
 
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