bendover

Recently my wife contacted ex boyfriend after 24 years of marriage with me. She explained that she wanted to get it off her chest to ask his forgiveness for dumping him and not marrying him. The email response from the ex boyfriend reveals that he considers his current relationship with his wife is a nightmare. He also pours out his affection and clearly indicates he is not over my wife.
Discussed with wife how disturbed I was and asked to distance themselves and end contact. Was nipping it at the bud over reacting? Was their emails emotional affair? Certainily I believe the boyfriend's is...

Please provide thoughts/ comments

HopeinHouston

I don't think that it was an affair at all, at least from your wife's perspective, and I probably believe that her motives were pure, or at least mostly pure (just based on the information given by you).

However, at the same time you absolutely are in the right to nip it in the bud and ask that there not be any further contact. She has asked forgiveness, received a response, to carry it any further - even if innocent at first - is to play with fire and invite disaster into your home. Contact should not be continued or re-established and she needs to make it clear to him that there is no future relationship on any level that will be had, friendship or otherwise.

Tanelornpete

Nip it now! Hope is right - this is not truly an affair -although I have to question why some decision your wife made a quarter of a century ago has to weigh so heavily on her head that she has to apologize. But that's my opinion only.

Take it as a warning sign though - maybe not a 2x4 to the head - perhaps a rap on the head with the chopsticks, but this is a sign that you may have some trouble in your marriage you may want to work on NOW rather than suddenly finding out in a big harsh way that things have gone a lat farther south than you expected.

Respectfully request that she cut off all contact with him and never contact him again - he IS looking for an affair, and if there is any issue in your marriage that isn't being fixed, this can rapidly cascade into tragedy.

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HopeinHouston

I wouldn't nescesarily say that is what his wife was doing. I know that a couple of years ago I felt some remorse for how I left some relationships (not talking about ex's in my case, just some personal relationships), and I decided to write some letters seeking forgiveness, years after the fact. Her communication could be as innocent as mine. Or there could be underlying issues in his marriage and/or she could be having thoughts/fantasies about this guy. There is no way for us to tell.

So, what I am saying is that we shouldn't presume any wrong thoughts/actions on her part, but we should stress that if it is innocent then there is no need to go on, and if its not innocent it needs to be nipped, so either way to avoid a very dangerous situation the communication needs to be nipped in the bud.

bendover

All:

Thank you for the input and your perspectives.

stillINshock

Bend - first, LOVE the user name!
second, OMG, this whole reaching back to high school thing is crazy! It happens all the time. And is awful. She's missing something, searching for something she feels she doesn't have now.
I agree with Temple -
Nip it.
and read His Needs Her Needs TOGETHER. Might help you both figure out what she looking for - before she looks further.
Good luck.

russ101

I agree with hopeinHouston (well said). I think that the old boyfriend probably has a desire to get back with your wife and based on what you said, your wife may just be trying to get this apology off her chest with no alterior motives, however even if that is the case, she contacted him, stated what she had to say, and got a response. This is where it should end. There should be NO FURTHER CONTACT with him WHATSOEVER. If there is, then she probably wants something more with him. I wouldn't be angry with her, but I would tell her that I would expect no more contact between them. If there is, it will probably end badly. Then keep an eye out (for a while) just to make sure there is no more contact. After a certain amount of time passes (whatever you are comfortable with) if there has been no more attempt at contact, then I would believe it was all innocent on her part. Good Luck!

Counsel

There are several questions yet to be answered.
Treat my questions as a medicine.. at some places you may find difficult to digest few queries but that is the truth.

In general apology comes from a person who did something wrong.What motivated her to aplogize? Prior to break relationship before 25 years itself she could have told him or even aplogized to him for not to marry him.

First of all who initiated the contact first? If that is your wife, why did she contact him after 25 years?

During some part of your married life she had developed a thought about him and she felt that she had done mistake by not marrying him.

How was your married life so for in all these 25 years is much more important.

How many times they have contacted over phone or personally and how did they talk? As a husband you have the right to enter in these discussions get answers as you are the person directly related with.

How did she break? Suddenly? If so she and he would have planned to put their relationship sleep and it may wake up later any time when the relationship between you and your wife strains.

Males even if they go good with their wives, it is common that they will lie to another lady just for the sake of having another one and if the already liked/loved one fall in automatically, which man can deny.

You have to show more love to your wife, and never show her any hurt feelings, what so ever it may be the reason.

Best of luck.

ing

I would suggest a course of MC. Not for any specific problem but to reassess your lives and values. 24 years is a long time to be with somebody. In that time we make assumptions that may no longer be true. We think we know them but there is chance we have missed something.

Also if your wife is entering or in Menopause then she is going to get a system that she is very unused to.

Think of it as a 100,000 mile service.

Almostrecovered

Thread is from 2010
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