Join Date: Apr 2010
| | so confused & hurt
Ok, so this is gonna be a long post! Here goes. . .
My bf & I have been together for 2 yrs. We met immediately after my divorce, things progressed pretty quickly between us. After we had been dating for about 4-5 months he told me he was being stationed in another state (military) and asked me to go with him. It took me an additional 4 months to actually say "yes". So, after being together for 10 months I moved 1/2 way across the country to be with him; he deployed less than 1 month after I got there. I then waited for him during his deployment & I did everything in my power to keep him confident that I was being faithful to him; I slept with my laptop & phone just in case he were to call or IM, I had my IM account set up ON my phone so that he would be able to reach me regardless of where I was or what I was doing, I sent him packages @least 2x/month. . . I did everything I could imagine. When he returned home from deployment, I found out that he had cheated on me before I ever even moved away with him. This crushed me, but I also felt that since it had been over a year since this had happened. . . things had changed. I mean, I know that I love him more now than I did a year ago. Then with in a couple weeks of finding out about all of this, I then find out that he was "trying" to cheat on me while he was deployed. I say "trying" because he was talking to this girl, emailing her, IMing her, etc. Granted, he did NOT physically cheat on me with her, he was cheating emotionally. I was not completely caught off-guard by this "attempt"; he had told me a little about this girl. Although, he had told me that it had never even made it to a point of the two of them discussing a possible "hook-up" (which was not true, it had been discussed). I decided that because I love him so much & he says he loves me, that he is sorry, won't do it again & that he doesn't want me to leave, that I would try to get past this. Now. . . . I went to visit my family for Easter & he stayed with his family & when I returned home I again, FIND OUT, that he was texting some girl he knew in high school & sent her a picture of himself (not an x-rated pic, just a normal pic). I confronted him about this, he told me that she sent him a message on facebook & they started texting each other, she asked for a pic, he sent it. He said she called & they just "chit-chatted" for a little while, nothing else; a normal, innocent, short conversation. He says that he loves me & he does not know why he does stupid stuff like this. He says that the only explanation he can think of is that he does it for attention, that he had no intention of "going through" with anything (physically cheating) with the girl during his deployment nor with the girl he was texting. He said it's like he just wants to know that he "still has IT" & that once he knows that the other girl is interested then he is done; he only does it for the attention from a female @ the time it is happening. He says he doesn't even find the other girls attractive, it just makes him feel good to know that he "hasn't lost IT". He thinks that his low self-esteem contributes to these "acts for attention". Granted, he did not "start" this stuff with these girls (the recent "non-physical" stuff). They did contact him. . . but he did NOT put an end to it as he should have.
When I confronted him about this stuff (the most recent confrontation) he said that he loves me so much & he KNOWS he does, he doesn't know why he does stupid things that "look suspicious" but that it doesn't go any farther than looking suspicious. He said that he knows from the beginning that he isn't going to do anything so he see's it as harmless; he said, "for me to act on anything would be stupid; it would be like trading-in the Trans Am to get a Sunfire! That's just stupid!" He says he understands my point of view and that he is "really going to try like hell to stop being stupid", he said he wants to start going to church, he even mentioned "couples counseling". But. . . I am very analytical~ and maybe I am over-analyzing again~ why can't he just say, "I promise I will stop" as opposed to "I am gonna try like hell. . .".
There are other factors that I feel are having an affect on his behavior: he has been diagnosed with depression, he has recently began a relationship with his mother (mother cheated on dad & they divorced when he was very young), he had a very traumatic "experience" when he was young (won't go into details, but it involved a trusted [male] family member), and he just found out that he has a son from a previous "relationship".
Maybe I am trying to make excuses to myself for him, but I love him. I don't want to leave. He says he loves me & I believe he does love me, but I don't know why on earth he would keep jeopardizing our relationship. It seems as though he does something stupid like this every time our relationship is going great; almost as if he starts to panic because things are going too good??? His relationship with me is the longest he has ever had, he has never lived with a woman, he has never (as he puts it) "allowed anyone to be involved in his finances" & he has "taken care" of me since I have been unemployed (due to moving across the country). . . maybe he is in panic mode? I'm not sure what to make of this; he does things that make me think, "he HAS to love me or he would have never ----", then other times I think, "he CAN'T love me or he would have never ---". I am so torn; there are parts of me that want to run like hell, parts of me that hate him @ times (for what he has done), parts of me that feel like I am doing something wrong~ otherwise he wouldn't feel the need to do this crap! But, sadly, the biggest part of me loves him & wants this to disappear.