Re: What does REAL remorse look like???
Sometimes they lie to their spouses AND the affair partners. So the "intentions" that you saw in the messages that you read could have been a lot of baloney that was just to help him get into her pants or keep the affair hot. Who knows if that's what was actually going on - but I know once they're in the fog and they get to lying, it just goes with the territory.
Will we ever trust them like we did before? Of course not. I think that level of trust starts out at rock bottom as R starts, and it slowly starts to creep up so that a couple years or so from now, if we're lucky and they do the hard work to help us heal, it MIGHT get up into the 90% range. But that trust issue is a problem in the early months, even when they're truly remorseful.
Badmemory is right - nobody is perfect, so expect a stumble here and there. And if he's ill or has a medical problem, be especially understanding that he won't be operating at his best. But he does need to show EFFORT and signs of real CHANGE.
I've asked my husband to read some things, including things that said that you can't apologize too often, so I get a lot of apologies, and that definitely helps. FEELING remorseful is great but I think expressing it often in words is one thing that shows EFFORT.