Virtual Affair?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-12-2013, 12:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Virtual Affair?

Need advice. Wife very secretive about facebook/sms. Relationship on the whole ok and sex is good. Yet I followed her recently on facebook and she is having a sort of affair. It is very light, mildly explicit with a guy half her age. Just some general hugs and kisses and yes you can touch my breasts (virtual) type thing. They have never met.

Yet what confuses me most is when she receives a facebook compliment from this guy, our sex is wonderful. It has been going on for about 6 weeks now.

I asked her direct and she denied the facebook activity. I am confused as to what is really going on here. She remains warm and loving.

Any idea's????????
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Old 10-12-2013, 12:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

Put a keylogger on the computer and capture what she's really doing. With the evidence then confront her and tell her that if she wants to stay married it has to stop.

Before you confront her find out more about this guy. Is he married? Where does he work?
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

He is single and still a virgin. Lives abroad so meet extremely unlikely without me knowing. However I have just seen a facebook comment that they are intending to move across to skype. Unfortunately I can't monitor this.

Could this be the start of a slippery slide to relationship doom?
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

How old are you? she? and he?

Why can you not monitor this.

It's a very high probability that your wife is not the only woman he is doing with is. It's also a very high probability that everything he tell her is a lie.

One thing that works is for you to create a fake female account and make friends with him. Find out more about him.
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

unfortunately I don't have the password.

48 me, 46 wife, 24 him, 22 years happily married.

Since a couple of weeks me totally confused.
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

One thing that you could do is to copy off all of the evidence that you have. Then you can use it to confront her.

Tell her that you will not accept your wife flirting with any man online. You will not accept her Skype-ing with a man who told could touch her body.

You will need to have a plan of what you expect from her. Do not confront until you have your plan.
• NO contact. she has to write him a no-contact letter.
• You both have to give each other the passwords to all of your online accounts, computers, cell phones.
• You both agree that the other can snoop in your stuff at any time.
• My H and I also agreed that we would have key loggers on our computers so that the other could see what we were up to at all times. The best kind of key loggers are ones that either send out report logs via email or to a web site. If one of you deletes the key logger, it’s taken a proof of sneaking around for an affair.

Get the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. It will help you figure out what to do.
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

This could be EXTREMELY dangerous. She is getting emotional fulfillment from someone OUTSIDE of the marriage, and she is already lying to you about it.

She may be getting the toxic idea that "maybe I can have a little something on the side...what could it hurt?", and if she is getting high off of the attention she is getting from this POSOM, she may very well start fishing for compliments and validation from others, perhaps guys she knows in person, or co-workers, etc.
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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thought about that but confronting her with the evidence highlights that I behaved in an untrustworthy way to. I mean I did it because I was suspicious but nonetheless I have peeked in her account
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Old 10-12-2013, 02:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Please get the book I suggested and read it.

It is not untrustworthy to find out what is going on when you get the feeling that something wrong is going on in your marriage.
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Old 10-12-2013, 02:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by redwood60 View Post
thought about that but confronting her with the evidence highlights that I behaved in an untrustworthy way to. I mean I did it because I was suspicious but nonetheless I have peeked in her account
Why do you believe it is wrong to look at her account? You were concerned, so you looked. I see nothing wrong with that.
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Old 10-12-2013, 02:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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thought about that but confronting her with the evidence highlights that I behaved in an untrustworthy way to. I mean I did it because I was suspicious but nonetheless I have peeked in her account
It's amazing how pervasive this kind of thinking is among betrayed spouses. Not that I am helping OP here but wow. You snoop on your wife, catch her cheating (emotionally) and you feel guilty for snooping?

There is something terribly wrong with the world if this is guilt worthy.

I never had a hesitation or a moment of second guessing whether my wayward spouse deserved monitoring.
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Old 10-12-2013, 02:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

Brace yourself she's going to throw a fit (as in toddler type) deny and blame you for everything.

If you have not, read this:

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Old 10-12-2013, 02:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

you are right of course but I do believe 2 wrongs don't make a right.

anyway I have just worked out the skype password so I will monitor that for a couple of days in order to prepare for the inevitable confrontation.

I suppose part of my reluctance is also because I know nothing physical can happen here and we have had 20+ good years. I am still coming to terms with what is going on as it is a complete shock.
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Old 10-12-2013, 03:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

There are a lot of us who had that complete shock. Sometimes it's hard to remember how shocked I was. But the sooner you can stop trying to find all the implausible and far-fetched reasons to explain it away, and the sooner you can begin focusing on the simple truth of what you see and hear, the better off you will be.
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Old 10-12-2013, 03:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Virtual Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by redwood60 View Post
you are right of course but I do believe 2 wrongs don't make a right.

anyway I have just worked out the skype password so I will monitor that for a couple of days in order to prepare for the inevitable confrontation.

I suppose part of my reluctance is also because I know nothing physical can happen here and we have had 20+ good years. I am still coming to terms with what is going on as it is a complete shock.
Well, if they start Skype-ing and sexting your tune will change. There might not be any physical touch but you will find that most likely your mind will not distinguish the difference.
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To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
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