Emotional infidelity and lies in relationship - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 04-25-2010, 05:16 AM Thread Starter
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Emotional infidelity and lies in relationship

I moved to Paris from Croatia with my girlfriend 6 months ago.
We were in a happy relationship for three years and we have been living together, she means everything to me, thats one of the reasons why I moved here with her. I always told her that I would go till the end of the world with her, and it was always her biggest dream to live in Paris. My parents helped us with the money, we are now finishing our studies and looking for a job. I had a strong vision of our future, I built my entire life according to that, she was always perfect and pure in my eyes. She was always my precious angel, I dedicated a lot of songs to her. My love for her was always so deep, I couldn't think of another women, I never even looked at another woman. When we came here everything has changed, we had a crisis in a relationship and everything went down. She found consolation in a friend from Paris who helped us move here. Later I found out about their love letters. I didn't suspect that she loves him more than a friend, but I already knew that he was in love with her, but I trusted in her love toward me so I didn't think she could fall in love with someone else, just as I couldn't.

Before new years eve he sent her an email in which he said that he cannot come to our party because he fell in love with her, and that he is going to Marseille for a month to recover from this. She told me this when it happened, so it was a sign of trust for me. I didn't think our crisis could push her away into arms of another man.

When he came back, I didn't suspect a thing, because I trusted her, we all kept hanging out together, and in one point she told me that he told her that he couldn't see us together because its very hurtful for him. So they kept on meeting alone, at that point my trust was foolish, I should have foreseen what will happen. Then suddenly jealousy arose from my side, and I became suspicious of her, so I went through her emails, and I found out about letters in which she says the most beautiful things to him. During my jealousy and before the discovery of letters she didn't want to confess anything, everything she said was a lie "to protect my feelings" as she said later. And she protected herself with sentences like: "you are a madman to be jealous, why don't you trust me".
After I read the letters I was completely crushed and I told her that I am moving away back to Croatia to give her space and to decide what does she want to do, if she wants to be with him or me, I wasn't sure myself that I want to keep this because she did so little to convince me that her love toward me is strong. She bursts into tears and the next morning she said that she wants me to stay because she loves me, and that she will cut the contact with the other guy.
Before that she was always blaming me for finding emotional comfort in him, because I wasn't here for her during our crisis.
I decided to stay, because I love her, and I also want to finish my studies here, because I have no other place to go to here in Paris.
I wanted to give us a chance, but I wasn't sure I could deal with infidelity. Her love wasn't exclusive anymore, and the picture of her crumbled inside my eyes. Now I suspect that they did more than exchange romantic letters, but she wont admit. She says that their love was platonic and that she couldn't even touch him because her love toward me was too strong. They only hugged once she told me.

I cant trust her anymore because of all the lies. I believe that she is not seeing him anymore, but I don't believe that nothing physical happened between them. It is driving me nuts, I think if she can prove somehow that that is true, my heart would be at ease. I think I couldn't go on with her if they had sex, and I want her to come clean, and give me the chance to decide what to do next. I think I have the right to demand that, but every time we start arguing about that she gets offended by my lack of trust.

There was a short breakup period which she imposed upon me when I discovered the letters, it was even harder for me because my parents came for visit, so I couldn't show any negative emotions in order to protect them from this situation.
During that time she already said that she isn't going to see him anymore, but one time she said that she is going to see her girlfriend Suzan in 19h but actually she was going to meet with her in 21h. So I knew this somehow, and it made me very suspicious and mad with jealousy, I knew something was about to happen, and to add oil to fire, I had seen her trimming her pubic hair in shower just before she left. I knew that Suzan was a diversion to see someone else in secret, even though they were about to meet afterwards. Why would she lie to me about the time of their meeting, she was using Suzan to mask the other meeting. I decided to follow her but she spotted me in Metro, and it was a disaster. We made a scene after which I left home and decided that its finished between us, thats when I told her that I am going back to Croatia.

Now when we are trying to rebuild our relationship, she avoids discussion of that incident, and she was avoiding answering with whom she has had a meeting, and just recently she told me it was her girl colleague from faculty, but that story is so unbelievable because they never meet and she even doesn't have her cell phone number. That did not explain the secrecy of the meeting.
Her explanation to that is that she purposely did that to test my trust, and to see if I have been going through her chat logs. Which I had done. It looks to me like she is manipulating every situation that could compromise her in my eyes, in order to stay morally pure. Maybe she fears that honesty will drive me away from her.

Every time when I ask her what was the reason for meeting she tries to think something up but can't and says that she wont tell me out of the principle, because I followed her
that day which infuriated her. I know when she is trying to think up something because I understand the language of eye movement. She even didn't want to tell me who it was weeks before, for the same reason, she says she won't out of principle. Its not my right to know she said.
I think i can't go on like this, I am suffering and she is not cooperative, every time I wish to discuss that she gets mad at me and expect blind trust and unconditional love. But I can not give her my trust because she is not doing anything to get it back, she just expects me to blindly trust her for benefit of our relationship. She gets offended every time she sees a slightest doubt in my eyes, and she says that I don't love her because I only think of my self and my ego is controlling me.

I think I am entitled to know the truth, I wan't her to give me all the facts and details, so I could gain the strength to stay or leave. Right now I am somewhere in between and it is driving me crazy. I am going through hell, and she won't deal with it.
Please help me with your advice, what should I do?

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 04-25-2010, 11:05 AM
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Re: Emotional infidelity and lies in relationship

If she wants recovery on the relationship, she needs to be honest with you and respect your need to know, as the experts advise. It has helped our recovery, tremendously.

There will come a point when you don't need to discuss the betrayal, anymore, but, until then, there will be some unpleasant moments/days/weeks. Be careful and respectful and kind in how you speak to her, treat her with respect, remember that you want the relationship to survive.

No relationship is immune to infidelity. Read up on relationship expert Peggy Vaughn's site at DearPeggy.com - Extramarital Affairs Resource Center


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