Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-15-2013, 03:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

I haven't posted my story here, it is a long standing one

red flags from start, that I ignored as I was "in love"
found contact mags, and a returned letter to a woman a week after we married, was told it was curiosity and as my husband was a virgin? and shy with women I believed him
after the birth of our 4th child and we got our first PC all sorts of stuff happening, sending me upstairs in lingerie and then staying downstairs on the PC for hours, rejection due to tiredness, working shifts and me finding all sorts in car, then him getting dirty pants form ebay - and me finding a photocopy of a bum in my underwear in his drawer, thinking an affair(as I felt unattractive due to being knocked back all the time) I hacked his emails and confronted husband found out he is a CD into humiliation, bondage, prostitutes, tried to satisfy him with his fantasies, invariably knocked back or called dirty gerty, or undermining comments, very subtle. then discovered he had seen prostitute for dressing and bondage, photos on her site- confronted, he lied denied, I HAD seen the photos and talked to said prostitute online by hacking his account and joining up. big discussion, but me doing talking, confirmed he didn't want any sex only tying etc, but I read his emails to her after he had said it was a slip and wouldn't happen again, he was wanting to go back and do modelling for her site, asking about masks etc(so I wouldn't recognise him again??) - him saying nothing much, took him a day to come back to me and say he had "made a decision" and wanted to stay with me - I said I knew he had a compulsion to dress and as long as we were open and it didn't involve anything I didn't approve etc etc, openness - so he immediately changed his passwords to a phrase which was along the lines of workthisoutthen- as I had a keylogger I did..
soo..then he wanted to go have photos taken dressed, I said OK- - hacked his account contacted TV and played along as if I was happy with photos- said TV sent ME the photos and videos, which transpired to be husband dressed, tied and eagerly giving a BJ to TV. I made a account in this TVs name, sent husband photos saying to show them to wife - time passed, he said nothing,I asked how it went, and had he got photos - he said no he hadn't got any, and he didn't enjoy the day- this while emailing said TV(sadly at the email account I had made) to say he hoped TV enjoyed BJ as he was still thinking about how good it was, and perhaps meeting again to "F***"
time passes with this supposed opennesss - turned out he was at it again, large deposit for "ladies" day at a dominatrix place, I made the mistake of hacking PC accounts, dating sites profiles etc - and I became obsessed with knowing what he was thinking -
time moves on, but I am still churning over things going back to start, comments, actions - motives. Every thing he says keeps triggering off stuff.
we were talking about moving to Devon, then I read messages sent to TVs down that way saying that he was moving down their way.

so to the crazy stuff, last night I walked into bedroom and he was wrting on a notepad, turned it over as I came in, I asked what eh was writing and he snapped at me - so I grabbed the pad and said go on show me, to which he grabbed the pad, torre out the page - keeping it from me, and screwed it up, ranting over and over about he was doing something but he wouldn't bother now...I felt terrible, but then I thought such an over reaction????? I asked what was on the pad that was so private? then all the triggers came up and I said how could I trust him if he over reacted- would he be suspicious, then I got all the think what you want stuff- I told him I couldn't trust him after he broke my trust, but he doesn't see its deeper than him "not doing anything" I have said I need ot see a counceller, but he doesn't want any of this being spoken about - I feel like I am holding back something that is trying to burst out at any moment- I am terrified about being alone, at the same time knowing I will always be waiting for him to leave, or cheat - especially when the kid are gone - but he wont talk it through at all - "we had this discussion" is all he will say, and "You think what you want"
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Old 10-15-2013, 07:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

If he will not go to counseling or try to change or be open and honest with you, I do not see a good future with him.

What will it take for him to change?
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Old 10-15-2013, 07:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

I don't think he can change it is a fetish, I was willing to accept as long as no sex with others and thinking he loved me - but it has become obvious to me he is desperate to indulge his fantasies, it is the coldness with which he can tell me he is "over it" or its no big deal, and immediately be reading stories about being forced to go with men - he once wrote in a chat room that when my "wife" ME uses the strap on I will be wishing it was real or once as he said we would retire to to Devon he was emailing TVs on a dating site saying he was moving down near them etc - I honestly cannot get my head around our relationship - I am losing it, and he doesn't see its not the trusting if he will do something behind my back..its the deepest trust that he loves me - I have a feeling that will never come back, I daren't open myself up as more than once he has lied again. I keep trying to see a future, god knows I don't want to start again, we have been together 0ver 30 years - but I feel as if someone took away the ground under me - I have tried to bury doubts, but triggers all the time, I suppose I have lost my self belief also,as I couldn't tell when he was lieing looking back, so I feel like a fool, I feel as if I have been used, the one person I thought had my back..never did, he was always sneaking about while I scrimped and saved gave up my career to bring up our kids so we would have a family, thinking he was aiming for the same as me - turned out he wasn't, I said he didn't have to take long hours etc because love and being together was more important, turned out he wanted shorter hours to sneak around- I cannot equate that with true love, I have never wanted anyone else..better sex, yes..but only with him.
He told me after the last episode that I didn't need councelling, even though I said I needed to talk, talk- he rugswept and carried on.
he calls me dramatic even though I have been calm and not OTT, its as if he sees me as a child tbh, someone he pats on the head - but I am stuck between being scared to start something and end the marriage- or keeping quiet - I can't see how I can manage to survive into my late 50's alone and am scared we will have to sell the house-so I endlessly swinging between knowing it wont get better, in fact once we are without the kids here it will get worse, and terrified that I am a failure and will be alone with no money while he goes off happy free and able to survive quite happily- it is a no win- and I am stuck - I cannot tell anyone, I am still trying to get courage to go to councelling - but even trying to say everything out loud sets me off sobbing - so many years pain just bubbling away tbh while I have to smile and put on a show for all our family and relatives who think he is the bees knees
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Old 10-15-2013, 07:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

I am truly sorry for all the pain you feel from this. Truly.

You have tried to accept him as he is and incorporate his fetishes into your life so that you can stay together. You sound like a very generous, loving person. It seems clear that he can't be the husband that you want and deserve, though, and you have good reason to fear for the future. Good counseling could really help you understand where you want to be in your life, say, five years from now. Your husband is too dysfunctional just trying to cope with his 'preferences' to be any real help to you.
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Old 10-15-2013, 08:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

in five years I will be near retirement age its all too late, I actually feel I wasted my life, I hate my husband for not being who I thought, and hate myself for deluding myself, for being sure I wouldnt stand for any shoddy marriage,having my self esteem and expectations eroded over the years and ending up in a sham relationship, My husband on the whole would say we have been happy and that he hasn't "cheated" he still doesn't see what he did as cheating - he doesn't have a clue how everything I have found out is on my mind going round and round, .
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

He may not have "cheated" but he has betrayed your trust and love.

There is therapy that can work through why he seeks out these kind of emotional experiences to help him understand himself better.

We aren't born with a need to be humiliated by a nasty woman in leather. That's something that he's put together as part of his way of emotionally dealing with the world.

I'm not saying cure him, but have him self understand himself better and maybe learn to control his expression of what he is seeking from these experiences on an emotional level.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

It's not all too late!

It sounds like you and I are around the same age. I have a 30 year marriage. We're not dead yet. We're just not. Not even close.

Your H is so caught up in his own issues that he can't see your pain. You two think so differently that he probably couldn't ever truly empathize, even if he were trying very hard.

Get some help and forward focus for yourself alone. There is no law that dictates that the longer the marriage, the tighter the chains. You can strike out and choose to live differently at any time. Your life with your husband was never meant to be a prison sentence.
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Old 10-16-2013, 01:08 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

at present I am in limbo, knowing I don't trust my decisions - I can't see anything much outside the marriage tbh - struggle, loneliness - on the other hand I am wracked with trust issues, I can't discuss things with husband fully as it will let him know I have snooped and know so much more than he thinks, tbh I told him I don't trust him as he lied more thn once, he said sorry and that he won't do anything without asking me - but I haven't told him its not the trust of his "doing anything" its the trust that he is in fact going to be thre for me ie he keeps on about extension which involves a large joint loan- he said my parents inheritance would pay it off - then he says we wont be here long as we can move away?? back when I was unaware of any of this it was my dream, now all I can see is him getting hold of the money and once the kids are gone and parents etc he can leave wih some financial backup - I daren't tell him this as it shows how low my trust is, but I am literaly broken inside - we used ot say we would go on cruises once retired - now in my mind I imagine him pushing me overboard, I feel I have ben a cover all these years..something to use and then get rid - |I cant shake these thoughts. I did tell him early on that I had trust issues and he was so supportive and saying how he would never hurt me etc..now I know he was lieing from the outset getting a flat so fast back then instead of being due to being together now in my mind was to get a place where he could send and receive letters from contact mags..I haven't told him I found a lot of them while clearing the loft the other month, with letters and PO box details from 1979 and onwards, meaning he ws up to this when we first started dating I am going to have to get councelling as I see I am not going to get through these thoughts, but I am unable to thinjk how to end or change anything. I suppose I am progressing in the fact I am no longer snooping online etc, I am too tired - it became like self torture. I know all about his fantasies etc, so nothing shocks anymore, no sure I would care if he visited these sissy places tbh, it has become impossbiel for me to partake in the games as I can only see him wishing to be with someone else..its a deeper trust that has gone
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Old 10-16-2013, 09:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay

Jen, I think if the truth is ever revealed I would suspect that he has responded or acted out over the entire M. One time with a prostitute? I doubt it. No sex? I doubt it.

He cheated. I suspect many more times.

Get over where you will be in five years, forget about the cruises with him.

This is not about fantasies my dear. It is about real life. He has gone from fantasy to living it.

You don't need to be part of this twisted mind set of a sexual deviant.

Your gut is telling you that there is alot more, isn't it?
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Old 10-16-2013, 01:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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you are right, I found an email some time ago to a dominatrix saying he wanted a session -" he had several fantasies he wished to fulfill" he cancelled citing family health...my dad was diagnosed with cancer -another reason this is so hard, it would kill him tbh as he sees my husband as a valued family member so it is clear I suppose he cannot live with fantasies remaining such, I do sometimes wonder if I said we should have an open relationship so I can fullfill my fantasies he would be so happy...my fantasy, to be desired and loved by a real man, not left hanging while husband sneaks off to fulfill his needs - I do wonder if he would accept that, I think not tbh, I once asked to be involved, with a TV I chatted with online tying to find out what husband was up to, but husband didn't pass that on, just said I had said he should meet first alone..it angers me that he feels OK to get his satisfaction outside, but doesn't think I may...(not that I believe in revenge affairs) - he has always know I enjoy sex and games etc, so tbh it is something he prefers, no emotional attachment I suppose -
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