Need advice, am I going to go crazy or am I just crazy to stay
I haven't posted my story here, it is a long standing one
red flags from start, that I ignored as I was "in love"
found contact mags, and a returned letter to a woman a week after we married, was told it was curiosity and as my husband was a virgin? and shy with women I believed him
after the birth of our 4th child and we got our first PC all sorts of stuff happening, sending me upstairs in lingerie and then staying downstairs on the PC for hours, rejection due to tiredness, working shifts and me finding all sorts in car, then him getting dirty pants form ebay - and me finding a photocopy of a bum in my underwear in his drawer, thinking an affair(as I felt unattractive due to being knocked back all the time) I hacked his emails and confronted husband found out he is a CD into humiliation, bondage, prostitutes, tried to satisfy him with his fantasies, invariably knocked back or called dirty gerty, or undermining comments, very subtle. then discovered he had seen prostitute for dressing and bondage, photos on her site- confronted, he lied denied, I HAD seen the photos and talked to said prostitute online by hacking his account and joining up. big discussion, but me doing talking, confirmed he didn't want any sex only tying etc, but I read his emails to her after he had said it was a slip and wouldn't happen again, he was wanting to go back and do modelling for her site, asking about masks etc(so I wouldn't recognise him again??) - him saying nothing much, took him a day to come back to me and say he had "made a decision" and wanted to stay with me - I said I knew he had a compulsion to dress and as long as we were open and it didn't involve anything I didn't approve etc etc, openness - so he immediately changed his passwords to a phrase which was along the lines of workthisoutthen- as I had a keylogger I did..
soo..then he wanted to go have photos taken dressed, I said OK- - hacked his account contacted TV and played along as if I was happy with photos- said TV sent ME the photos and videos, which transpired to be husband dressed, tied and eagerly giving a BJ to TV. I made a account in this TVs name, sent husband photos saying to show them to wife - time passed, he said nothing,I asked how it went, and had he got photos - he said no he hadn't got any, and he didn't enjoy the day- this while emailing said TV(sadly at the email account I had made) to say he hoped TV enjoyed BJ as he was still thinking about how good it was, and perhaps meeting again to "F***"
time passes with this supposed opennesss - turned out he was at it again, large deposit for "ladies" day at a dominatrix place, I made the mistake of hacking PC accounts, dating sites profiles etc - and I became obsessed with knowing what he was thinking -
time moves on, but I am still churning over things going back to start, comments, actions - motives. Every thing he says keeps triggering off stuff.
we were talking about moving to Devon, then I read messages sent to TVs down that way saying that he was moving down their way.
so to the crazy stuff, last night I walked into bedroom and he was wrting on a notepad, turned it over as I came in, I asked what eh was writing and he snapped at me - so I grabbed the pad and said go on show me, to which he grabbed the pad, torre out the page - keeping it from me, and screwed it up, ranting over and over about he was doing something but he wouldn't bother now...I felt terrible, but then I thought such an over reaction????? I asked what was on the pad that was so private? then all the triggers came up and I said how could I trust him if he over reacted- would he be suspicious, then I got all the think what you want stuff- I told him I couldn't trust him after he broke my trust, but he doesn't see its deeper than him "not doing anything" I have said I need ot see a counceller, but he doesn't want any of this being spoken about - I feel like I am holding back something that is trying to burst out at any moment- I am terrified about being alone, at the same time knowing I will always be waiting for him to leave, or cheat - especially when the kid are gone - but he wont talk it through at all - "we had this discussion" is all he will say, and "You think what you want"