I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-10-2010, 01:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

I am married and have been having an affair for over a year now. We've been on and off the whole time, though. A lot of conversations, an emotional affair, BUT every time it was time to have sex, the OM would stop contacting me (he is also married.)

This happened 3 times, and he would always contact me after a few weeks and start everything all over. More promises. More involvement. Then he would back out.

Last time was different, though. He contacted me, said he was ready to go all the way... so we did. He seemed so sure that we would keep going. Asked me so many questions about my marriage and my future, if I want more kids, etc. It was wonderful. At one point, he looked at me with a very emotional look on his face and said "You... what am I going to do with you??" I wasn't sure what that meant, but he seemed confused.

A few days went by, I contacted him, he'd reply and tell me how much he couldn't wait to be with me again... but not set another date. Then I sent him an email ending everything and saying that I couldn't continue, I felt too guilty and liked him too much, asking him to never contact me again (first time I ever did this).

My question is... if this was all about sex for him, wouldn't he have kept the sex going?? We were always VERY sexually compatible, and when it finally happened, it was amazing and explosive - for us both. It was scary, really.

Was I used? Or is he feeling guilty once again?

PS: I really need to understand his reasons right now, so please don't go ahead and only give me marital advice. I know I need to work on my marriage, I'm doing that. Please give me your opinion on this situation. Thanks.
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Old 05-10-2010, 01:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

Quote:
My question is... if this was all about sex for him, wouldn't he have kept the sex going?? We were always VERY sexually compatible, and when it finally happened, it was amazing and explosive - for us both. It was scary, really.

Was I used? Or is he feeling guilty once again?
Actually, all of these questions are irrelevant. Not trying to be mean, but no matter what his reasons were, there was no reason for you to be there. Never contact him again. Ever. And get the thoughts of him out of your mind.

What IS relevant, what matters, is what your HUSBAND thinks. THAT is what you need to be thinking about. Not some random guy out there in the world.
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Old 05-10-2010, 01:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

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Originally Posted by jsmith021378 View Post
PS: I really need to understand his reasons right now, so please don't go ahead and only give me marital advice. I know I need to work on my marriage, I'm doing that. Please give me your opinion on this situation. Thanks.
I think you totally misunderstand the purpose of this forum.

This is not a place for you to find a way to understand why your partner in infidelity is not cheating with you in the way that you want him to.

This forum, correct me if I'm wrong people, is where someone who has cheated or who has a spouse who cheated attempts to recover from that sad situation.

If you come here looking for advice on how to keep that affair going, you are really in the wrong place.
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Old 05-10-2010, 01:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

Wow, talk about wrong place, wrong time. If you want help on helping to mend your broken marriage, I think the folks here will be more then willing to help.

If your looking for advice on how to better connect to your OM, then you are barking up the wrong tree. I don't think a single person will help you here on why your OM is not the "night in shining armor" you want him to be.

Think about it for a second jsmith021378, your making absolutely no sense...
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Old 05-10-2010, 03:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

Obviously you aren't working on your marriage if you are asking these questions. Because if you were -- you wouldn't be thinking about the OM. Period.

Nothing from you about the hurt you've caused your Husband.
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Old 05-10-2010, 03:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

Honestly, I don't think the affair was about just sex for him. Despite what we all think, it's not always about sex for the men. And they don't feel like they've cheated on their wives until they had sex. So, he may be feeling guilty since he did finally have sex with you. And he may have been really confused and guilty before having sex - hence the whole not talking to you.

With that being, said, I am glad that you cut off - not only because he's obviously not treating you or his wife right, you need to focus on your marriage.
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Old 05-10-2010, 03:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

It wasn't just about sex. It was about you filling the void. And guess what, he probably did sleep with you and then realize that he could lose his WIFE over this and decided she was worth more to him than you were. So yeah, you were used. But you used him as well, so I guess it all evens out in the end.

Like all the others have told you, now you need to think about telling your H and whats going to happen then. You also should try to realize that you were willing to destroy two marriages to satisfy your own personal needs. I think a counselor may be needed in your near future.
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Old 05-10-2010, 04:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

jsmith021378~

As you can see, many of the people here have been in your husband's shoes and have been pretty hurt when their spouse had an affair, so there aren't too many of us who were the disloyal spouses. But I would be happy to try to answer your questions. First things first, I'm glad you've ended the affair. I realize it was hard to do and you may miss him, but you did the right thing obviously for many reasons. I'm also glad to hear you are working on your marriage. My suggestion would be that if there are things missing in your relationship with your husband, that the two of you work on those things, rather than turning to others outside the marriage. Okay?

On to your questions! You asked:

Quote:
... This happened 3 times, and he would always contact me after a few weeks and start everything all over. More promises. More involvement. Then he would back out.
Actually there is a good reason for this. In some physiological ways, an affair can be very "addicting." When you two first meet and you first have a little crush, there is a brain chemical called phenylethylamine that is like a natural amphetamine. That's what makes people in love have butterflies in their stomach, a racing heart, sweaty palms, and that warm wonderful feeling. Here's a little article on The Chemistry of Love. The chemicals are a natural "upper" so the truth of the matter is that if you like that feeling, you do sort of get addicted to it and want to get it again! I call that the "love-zing" and we all know what that is..that little thrill of being together.

So my guess is that he might call off the affair when he's thinking it's wrong (or whatever) and then miss that "love-zing" and the feeling of being interesting or wanted...and then after a little time be tempted to contact you again. In order to really end an affair, a person REALLY has to fight temptation to contact and has to sort of go through "withdrawal" because there is no more love chemistry. As you may guess, "withdrawal" is hard and at least for me, I did better when I replaced the temptation with something else--a new activity or new thought. For example, every time I had a temptation or missed the other person, I thought right then of something good about my spouse or went to hug him, to replace the "withdrawal" kind of thought with a "recovery" kind of thought. Make sense?

Quote:
...My question is... if this was all about sex for him, wouldn't he have kept the sex going?? ... Was I used? Or is he feeling guilty once again?
Again I'm only guessing, but I doubt is was "only about sex for him." I mean I bet there was some element of that there, but usually it's much more about having basic human needs met. I'll give an example. Often affairs start maybe at work. You spend a lot of time with that person, 8-10 hours a day, doing similar things or at least understanding what the other one goes through. Generally, when you go to work, you dress well, look presentable, etc. And at work, you might compliment him on a job well done, or admire him when he deals with a really hard customer...and at home his wife doesn't really dress up much anymore and when she talks to him its to nag about money. Naturally, he starts to kind of LIKE you and flirts a little. You then feel complimented that he'd flirt so you feel pretty and wear a new perfume and flirt back... so ba da bing, it starts. And really what's happening is that you feel wanted, needed, smart, pretty, and interesting...and he feels wanted, needed, smart, handsome and admired. See how that's more emotions than just "sex"? If it was just "sex" you can buy that for $25 or get a lap dance.

Were you used? I would say yes. Was it heartless "using you and tossing you away"? Probably not deliberately, but here's the problem. In real life, both of you made a promise to your spouse, to "act in a way so that affection and loyalty are committed and dedicated to a private person to whom loyalty is due." That's what getting married IS. So the fact that he made that promise to someone else and then gave his affection and loyalty to someone else (you) so that he could get his needs met is actually in fact using you...maybe not maliciously but it is. Likewise you used him to meet some of your needs probably for a little attention, romance, compliments, taking the time to talk to you...that kind of thing.

So I hope that answers your questions. If you need any other help recovering your marriage or how to talk to your husband about it, just let me know!
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Old 05-10-2010, 04:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

His teetering interest has to do with how much he is listening to his conscience at the time. A married persons conscience is also greatly affected by how things are with the spouse too. When were pissed off at our partners it seems easier to deviate from usual behavior. So... your OM truly cares about his wife or he wouldnt teeter at all and just have sex with you and dive in. The on again off again will continue and chances are he wont leave the wife anyways so sounds like you made a good choice.
I have been in your shoes and know how it feels to need that physical attention while your marriage is turmoil but save yourself the drama by finding an alternative outlet like I did =)
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Old 05-10-2010, 08:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

I think what you need to ask yourself is what were YOU doing there? He was not getting something from his marriage and it may have been a lack of self-esteem thus another woman, a married woman interested in him boosted his confidence. Yes, he did use you but then you used him.

You didn't go in to why you kept it going, and I think that is the most important question to ask. These issues have to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship. What about your spouse? How does he figure in. He doesn't. He will get to keep you, if the other man doesn't decide to continue the affair...at least until you find someone else.

It sounds like you are a pretty selfish person so I'm not sure anyone here can help you. You are really asking why doesn't he want to keep cheating with you with a lot of people who have been stung by people like you. Pardon us if we don't give you a whole lot of sympathy, but you have some serious issue to resolve.
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Old 05-10-2010, 10:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

A woman like you is at least 50 percent responsible why I am going through a divorce right now. But I hope you show some humility(unlike my H) and be 101 percent honest about EVERYTHING with your husband. What makes u think that if you ended up with this man that he would not cheat on you?
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Old 09-22-2010, 08:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

One question: Does your OM live in Virginia? It's so scary how much he sounds like my ex-OM. Would his initials be (M.L.)?
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Old 09-22-2010, 08:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

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Originally Posted by jsmith021378 View Post
I am married and have been having an affair for over a year now. We've been on and off the whole time, though. A lot of conversations, an emotional affair, BUT every time it was time to have sex, the OM would stop contacting me (he is also married.)

This happened 3 times, and he would always contact me after a few weeks and start everything all over. More promises. More involvement. Then he would back out.

Last time was different, though. He contacted me, said he was ready to go all the way... so we did. He seemed so sure that we would keep going. Asked me so many questions about my marriage and my future, if I want more kids, etc. It was wonderful. At one point, he looked at me with a very emotional look on his face and said "You... what am I going to do with you??" I wasn't sure what that meant, but he seemed confused.

A few days went by, I contacted him, he'd reply and tell me how much he couldn't wait to be with me again... but not set another date. Then I sent him an email ending everything and saying that I couldn't continue, I felt too guilty and liked him too much, asking him to never contact me again (first time I ever did this).

My question is... if this was all about sex for him, wouldn't he have kept the sex going?? We were always VERY sexually compatible, and when it finally happened, it was amazing and explosive - for us both. It was scary, really.

Was I used? Or is he feeling guilty once again?

PS: I really need to understand his reasons right now, so please don't go ahead and only give me marital advice. I know I need to work on my marriage, I'm doing that. Please give me your opinion on this situation. Thanks.
____________________________________________
I probably know what he's thinking.

It's possible he has fallen in love with you but he's not sure if he should continue his love for you.

He wanted to make sure if your marriage is still unhappy, or if he can see a chance that you would get divorce.... In short, he would love to have a long term relationship with you as soon you get divorced.

He was hesitated to contact you because he's holding his horses from getting hurt because it seemed to him that you only need sex. That's why he's confused.

Quote: Was I used? Or is he feeling guilty once again?

I'm sure he feels the same as you. You gave him that email and you made him feel "he's used" as your stud and you're now feeling guilty so you wanted to dump him.

Hope it helps!
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Old 09-22-2010, 08:45 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

Quote: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

He's heart broken.

So what are you gonna do next?
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Old 09-22-2010, 09:39 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him?

She already ended her affair and she said she will work on her marriage.

It's not a bad thing if she needs to sort things out.
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