My husband & I have been married almost a year now, and together for almost 3 years. Unfortunately, our relationship began as an affair. I had just separated from a horrible marriage of verbal and emotional abuse. He was planning to leave his wife in the following six months after several years of unhappiness. We both know that we should have waited until we were both free and available but the ugly truth is that we didn't. When we decided to get married we had many long discussions about how to handle the "past" because no matter what you think the insecurities and worry about trust will come into play when you get together this way. We had very frank discussions about what each of us would feel comfortable with. We each had friends that had been unfaithful in their marriages and we often traveled with them before our relationship. One of the things we agreed upon was that we would not travel with those friends alone any more and would not put ourselves in "bad" situations or circumstances, such as hanging out in bars or clubs without each other.
Now, my husband tells me that we've been together long enough that we should trust each other and he wants to go on beach trip week-end with 5 other guys (3 of which, I have seen behave in manners that while they haven't really been unfaithful would make their wives cringe). I do not believe that my husband would cheat, we have a good marriage and an awesome sex life! I am realistic here though and know that if the other guys are "misbehaving" then it can often spill over to the other guys. I feel like the rules have been changed on me and the guidelines that we set early on because of the manner that we came together are just being thrown out the door. I have not so much as had lunch with my past friend that had been unfaithful and she was one of my best friends. I do not feel comfortable with this trip or the way things are changing, what do I do?
alcoholics can be sober for 20 years - put 'em in a bar and offer to buy and you will awaken a monster. if it's a habit and one that everyone else is participating in and even encouraging... he will forget why those rules were in place and break your heart. Ditto to what 'losinglove' said. If marriage is really that good, talk to him or he'll never know.
All marriage's have there times of test this is yours if every thing is good between you both then trust him and hope for the best, let him know how you feel but your willing to understand he wants to hang out with the guys, I wish you two well, you know the old saying what comes around goes around and cheating is very ugly.good luck Posted via Mobile Device
You are right. He is changing the rules. The issue of trust and talking to him and all that other crap is just that.....crap. You and he had an understanding. You made promises to each other. He is breaking his promise once again. What I would do is walk out the door, if only temporarily, to let him know he does not get to walk all over me when he feels like it. He feels like throwing his promise out the door, then his promise would be leading my way to someplace else to stay. I wouldn't even waste time discussing this with him.
It's bad enough people don't take their marriage vows seriously, but he (and you) freely added to that with additional promises. He is showing you that all he did was yet again SAY something because it fit the moment. What he said didn't matter. Keeping his promises do not matter. The trust and security of your marriage (none of his marriages apparently) do not matter. The only thing that matters is what he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it. He is easing his way back into his old habits and he's making sure he does it with your blessing by telling you that lame crap about you "should trust each other." That is only so you WILL trust him and stop giving him flack about going. Soon enough, he'll be telling the next one all about how he is "planning to leave his wife in the following six months after several years of unhappiness." Leopards do not change their stripes. I hope you see this for yourself.
A promise is a promise, but do what you want about this situation. Sit there and take it or leave. Afterall, you married a cheater. While you thought you were securing your future and your marriage with all the "very frank discussions" and placed all of your trust in him, you married a cheater. Neither of you had a problem with that. You know you should have waited, but the fact is he didn't wait. He had no problem cheating on his wife. Did you catch that??? Okay, I'll say it again......He had no problem cheating on his wife.
In case you misconstrued, I am not saying you deserve this, but you did ask for it. I am saying very simply he is a cheater. Whatever the lies he told you about being unhappy in his marriage, all you know is what he told you. No one ever tells the truth about that, and the cheating man always blames his wife or cries he isn't happy. I would walk right out the door because now you see beyond a shadow of a doubt that his promises mean nothing.....his wedding vows were promises to her.....his wedding vows were promises to you.....his agreements as result of the "very frank discussions" were promises to you as well. None of them mean a bit more than the air he breathed the words into. He is a cheater and that is all there is to it.
Well, we talked last night and his reply is "You just don't trust me". He also says that yes he agreed to avoid traveling with this group of guys and I would avoid traveling with certain friends from the past. But that it wasn't practical to think neither one of us would want to get away occasionally. That we've gotten past the trust issues with each other and that he isn't going to misbehave no matter what his friends might do. I haven't budged on my position but I think he will probably go on this trip anyway. I usually cave to keep the peace, but this time I can't. I still believe that you shouldn't hang out with friends who have questionable behavior. I know he believes that too, he just wants to go with his friends and have a good time. But we both agreed these were sacrifices that we were willing to make because we loved each other and did not want to live the way we did in the past. We wanted to have a successful, loving marriage and because of the past we agreed that in order to build trust and make each other comfortable that we would have to be very careful about the situations that we put ourselves into.
For those of you that obviously feel that I asked for this, I am not going to disput that. However, people do make mistakes and truly want a different life. It has taken me quite a while to forgive myself and move on. We both made mistakes but wanted this to be a fresh start where we both were totally honest and faithful. I'm afraid it's a short step to a slippery slide and I'm scared that he will slide if he doesn't stay true to his agreement. After all, 68% cheaters never dreamed they would be unfaithful and regretted it afterward. But the damage was done. It is too easy to fall into old habits.
I completely agree with susan on this one. The ONLY way for your marriage to work is to keep those extra promises. He is trying to weasle out of them. I would walk out the door so you do not condone this activity. Having your talk only made it more clear that he is trying to weasle out and play the "trust" card that you cant play in your marriage because it was started on an untrustworthy beginning. Regular rules of trusting your spouse do not apply to your marriage.
I dont think you asked for it. Dont be so hard on yourself. You and he began the way you began and in order to make something work between you, you both came up with the rules that you need to have. He doesnt want them anymore, so you shouldnt want him anymore... walk away... he will eventually cheat if he is already trying to talk his way out of your agreement. Sorry it had to end up this way, you 2 seemed to really try to put rules in place, but they only work if you both continue to work them.
It sounds so simple to just leave him. But it's not that easy. We have a 6 month old, that was planned and adored. We also have 3 other children at home with us. All have had the upheaval of divorce once. There is so much at stake here. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow. Hoping she can give me a fresh perspective. We have truly worked hard to get a good basis to build on because of our start. We both wish we had waited but you can't change the past. We couldn't change how we started but we both wanted to change the way we progressed. I feel so disappointed that he just does not understand what this means. We both used to travel alot with our friends, before we became a couple. I know how he feels about wanting to get away and have some fun with his friends. I sometimes long for that also, but have committed to him and to myself that I can't hang out dancing and such with my friends without him, especially those that are flirtacious with other men. I thought we were on the same page, I've just been blindsided with this.
If he insists on going, tell him you are going to go with him per your agreement.
Honestly, and this goes for both of you, if you have friends that are doing these sorts of things, and your activities with them dishonor your spouse, then you need a new group of friends. Anything you do that can destroy the love between you is dishonoring them.
I know someone is going to say something like "what drop all my friends that I have known for years?" Yep that is exactly what I am saying. I had to do that with my best friend that I knew for over 25 years and we were in a war together. It's not easy, but can be done.
I agree. And I have dropped those "partying" friends. I left that time of my life behind and honestly, at times, I'm lonely. It's so hard to develop new friendships with work and children, etc. I left behind 75% of my circle of close friends. He hasn't, but he has only had lunch or dinner with them with me along. We have traveled a few times with some of them which has been fine and they have never been out of line. I have felt very comfortable with arrangement. It was just easier for me to cut ties rather than constantly have to explain why I was not willing to take off on another week-end trip. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do for our relationship and our marriage. I'm afraid he is so bent on going now to prove a point that I don't know what to do. He will not be receptive to me going along as he is replacing someone that has cancelled and would be rooming with another guy.
I don't think the issue is me not trusting him at all. THE issue is that he is not respecting my feelings or our agreement. I don't believe he is going to go off and have a one night stand, I really don't. But I do know that things can get out of hand when you have a group of friends, drinking and having a good time and one or two of them are single or married and acting single. We agreed that it was best for neither of us to be put in that position. The agreement was his idea!! Now, he just wants what he wants. If he insists on going, I believe that I may just drop the kids off with grandma and go on a stress relieving week-end myself either alone or with a friend. Not anyone that I agreed to avoid but one of the friends that I have that is married. Maybe he needs the shoe to be on the other foot? I believe he thinks I'm stuck because I have the kids this week-end, so maybe I should unstick myself!
we talked last night and his reply is "You just don't trust me".
He is trying to make you feel guilty for your feelings. I like Turnera's idea. Grab one of your friends (don't know if you are friends with any of the other guys wives, heck, invite them all ) and "go with" him.