So I've been dating this girl for about two months now and she's very easy going and we have ALOT in common...even down to our tastes and habits. This has been a refresher.
We did have a small hiccup over my vasectomy (I've been married, divirced wiht two kids etc but she's spent all her life in med school etc and in her mid 30's but still has noncommittal hopes of starting a family etc 50/50 according to her....which I have nothing against). Somehow we found middle ground.
Now I'm very open minded and I give people a fair shot but I've noticed often (not constantly but very regularly) goes out with male friends (dinner and a movie, or meeting up for dinner) but it's usually not in a group. Different guys she says she's met over the yrs throug grad school, med school etc but 90% of the time it's just her and a guy friend. Occassionally they are in a group but thats usually a rarity.
I have a gut feeling there might be more to it from a guys perspective. I know few guys who go out solo with girls they have no plans on banging or haven't banged (lets be real here). I don't go out with girls in that manner since I've been with her, yet she once complained about me often referencing my exes in conversations when discussing lifes experiences.
Aston, you've only been dating her two months. Your'e not engaged, you're not married. You two are just dating. Just tell her it's not working for you and you're breaking it off. Short and sweet. You don't have to give her any long exposition as to why.
You're not a sucker. You're just a decent guy who picks winners. You need to go talk to a counselor, someone who can give you objective feedback as to why you pick these daisies to go out with.
I broke it off tonight....of course she went up and down about how it's all my fault She's shocked etc and how I need professional help etc. The text messaging won't stop either!
Well, this is a little late into the game, but here it goes.
First, never ascribe to others that they are evil and/or stupid to explain their actions. It won't get you very far.
So I got to ask...what was in those texts which had her worked up. YOU think they are nothing. SHE doesn't. I am not saying she is right, but she isn't making this up most likely. She has a POV not based on evil or stupid. It might be WRONG, but within her POV, it's rational.
Second, Latin/Mediterranean women tend to be...ahem...snoops. They also tend toward histrionics in communication. It shows they care. So these 'fights' are to show that you are valued. She likes you enough to get angry with you. I know these are stereotypes, but there you are.
Third, I think she is overplaying her hand. "See how many men want me? YOU lucky fellow have me...but don't you dare take me for granted." She is not reading men correctly and their aversion to sharing women even tacitly. We would rather share gum out of another person's mouth.
Because this is in the infancy stages, this is how the game is played.
You just grabbed hand if you decide to R with her. Now YOU made a statement of value.
Or keep walking away. I think there is a little 'stupid' and arrogance in her character if she thought this was acceptable.
Where you're from is no excuse to act irrational. What was in those texts? Does it matter? If she found nothing on my phone would she tell me she spied on me? Oh by the way I called her out on her going out with other guys and she alluded to the fact that she's "no angel" herself. So what does it matter what was on my phone?
One thing I've found after coming out of an eighteen year relationship/marriage, is that women are very available and looking for a good man. Especially if you have a good career, personality, etc...
I think you did the right thing by dropping all that drama and moving on clean. After all, it was only two months of dating. Beautiful women (physically and personally) are everywhere and dating is just like an interview process so you can weed out those that aren't compatible with you. Posted via Mobile Device
It matters about the content of the texts because at face value, sending inappropriate texts to women is far worse than going out with a male friend.
You can't complain about your gf doing something that has dangers of becoming inappropriate, when you yourself are doing things that ARE inappropriate, getting sympathy for you regarding her actions, yet you won't even discuss them with her??? Allowing posters to paint her as some kind of prostitute, and yet all she has done is what many single women do (go out with their many friends, some of them male), and hasn't given that up yet because you are only together 2 months and you have not even talked to her about it.
I have never seen a thread that has so many inconsistencies in it and where so many posters ignore a very important point and continue to support you in ignorance of that point....
Were you sending inappropriate texts? If so, good job she looked at them and realised you were not someone to have a relationship with. And if her answer was 'I am no angel', good job you have dumped her....though, maybe you 2 actually fit well together. Both engage in inappropriate behaviour while in a relationship!
Firstly, there's no excuse for invation of privacy and adults should have the decency to engage their partner if they have any concerns. I had never given her reason to worry or doubt anything. She gave me reason by going out with other guys (dinner here, movie there) but I did not go snooping on her phone. Given we only been dating for 2 months, out of respect I was focused on giving her reasons to put me over the other guys she was spending time with. She brought up exclusivity and I delivered on my end of the bargain.
Secondly, the content of the text messages were grossly taken out of context by her. I didn't have naked pictures or anything explicit. I have friends who talk about THEIR escapades so what I can't banter with close friends over their lives? If your friend engages in sexually devious behavior does that make you a deviant too? I laid out my entire history to her and up until she snooped on me she only reciprocated in bits and pieces. Her reason was that she's not sure, she's shy, she's taking her time, one reason after another. So I don't buy that BS about what was in the text, she had NO reson to snoop on me given her being forthcoming and meeting me halfway was lacking at best.
If you took the time to read through the entire thread you will have a better idea of whats going on here. That you even make an excuse or justify such actions makes your inferrence questionable at best.
I was just wondering why you never took the time to discuss with her your concerns. And why you were not forthcoming in the content of the texts she was upset about.
I find it odd that people are ready to hammer her for inappropriateness, yet there was no dealing with her actions. And an ignoring of you having inappropriate texts. She read them on your phone....and you refused to disclose. Sounded rather like double standards to me.
I don't think you read the entire thread from your above statements. What concerns do I have to discuss with her? Her actions during 8 weeks of dating? Did you read the part where she told me they were just friends (guy friends) she was getting together with (after me asking, not information people just volunteer right)?
On being forthcoming on the texts, I think you need to read the entire thread again or at the bare minimum my initial response to your message. You talk about double standards yet you sit there justifying unacceptable behavior on spying on someones phone while saying I should have discussed my concerns with her (which by the way I did and prompted her "Just friends" response...if you truly read the entire thread). Does that apply to her as well?
What's going to happen when she returns? Does she have things at your place? My advice is to pack them up and take them to her place and be done with her. I have a feeling that she's not done yet.
Just move on. It seems to me that in addition to the subterfuge on her part, there was simply not enough positive chemistry between the two of you to have sustained anything.
And a problem with psychs like her is that most of them are too smart by half. All that book knowledge and yet clueless how to apply what they have learned to their own lives.
They do however, have enough of a window into the human psyche to learn how to manipulate people, and I think that is what she was doing with you.
True...it was always something though. The way I communicated or I was too direct or I had to phrase things a certain way or look at her a certain way when talking etc. It was just a relationship cluster*uck. It's done and over with. Moving on.
You have decided to disengage from a serious relationship with this woman. Logical decision.
Now, let me ask you something: If you have crossed that Rubicon already, why not be a little devious, desist from clearly disclosing this to her, continue to be vague about your disengagement, and enjoy her sexual favours as long as they last? Meanwhile, you could explore other relationships too.
(If you can manage your emotions well enough, i.e.)
Later on, when she finds out / you yourself disclose this to her, you might add: “I am not an angel either. It was YOU who thought I was weak enough to accept a unilaterally exclusive relationship with you. The truth is, for a long time now, I have also been seeing you just as a sex buddy, just like all those other men you seem to like. No hard feelings, I hope.”
THAT would be payback in kind. And I would say her sense of entitlement deserves this sort of a payback. It will help her in the long run too, in a backhanded way, to reassess her cross-gender attitudes. And it will help you erase any latent shame of being strung along.
But I guess you are not as shallow a human being I am, to execute such a plan.
I KNOW this is a bad suggestion. But I am out of good suggestions of late. And bad seems to work quite well in today’s world.
All said and done, it seems as though it was YOU who assessed her LTR value wrongly. She was just being herself, and if you didn’t like it, you could go watch Chasing Amy again.
I'd also add that these types of women buy into the belief that they're just friends with these guys that they start advising them on their dating life, to the point where they feel justified in telling the guy to drop the woman (women) that they're dating on whatever flimsy excuse that they can think of.
Some men buy into this as well thinking their female just a friend is just giving friendly advice. As well as accusing any woman that he is dating who has a problem with their "friend" as jealous and insecure.
I think it can take months or years for some guys to realise that they're not going to be able to keep a girlfriend until they get rid of the female friend.
I would resist any urge to text her back if she texts or talk to her if she phones.
Being ignored p*sses people off more than anything and she's used to, sorry, expects the attention of men.
You still might have leftover warmies for her. I think she got under your skin somewhat. Otherwise you would have told her to get lost immediately. Therefore a booty call might do you more harm than good.
I'd be shutting the door firmly on this one.
Couldn't believe what you said about her criticising you. . . only 2 months dating? You never even had a honeymoon period.
I feel sorry for the poor sucker who marries her!
Aston wasn't The One. Who knows why? Maybe she lacked The Spark. Maybe family opposition was too great. Maybe the kid thing was a deal breaker, perhaps unconscious.
Aston is a great guy. He was not a great guy for her. However, she found more than enough value with him to share large quantities of her time with him.
So you chalk that up as an ego rub, make sure your boxers are snug and you don't fall for the 'other friends' crap again.
The girl who DOES have The Spark with you won't want to date other guys.
But seriously...two months is sort of rushing on the exclusive thing.
It sounds like you made a clean break with her, so that's good.
Just to give you an idea of what you missed (so you won't look back).......
I finally decided to have a look at these e-mail and FB accounts that my (future) fiance was leaving open because my gut was telling me somthing.
So I finally initiated a conversation with him. I told him that I knew that her 30 b-day was at the end of the month, do you plan to go IF you are invited. ( I really think that she put him in the one down position).
He said immediately, "before this conversation, I would have gone. But now that we are discussing it, I would ask you your opinion." Oh, dear.
What did happen was that on the sAturday that we decided to go to the beach (an all day activity), her boyfriend sent my fiance an invitation on that day of the party at 1pm through FB. "You're more than welcome to join us......." As if, everyone else had been invited just an hour beforehand.
By the time we got home that evening, after 11pm, he showed me that message in FB and then the text message that SHE sent him at 11pm (mind you the closing time of that pub and most other pubs on London) which said (verbatim) "Why didn't you come?"
A female friend of mine and I came to the conclusion that they were fishing around for someone to close the bar tab (my fiance had in the past proved that he was good for that).
My fiance never expressed strong feeling about that situation which I guess is normal when you are still in the fog / feeling that you have a great investment in the relationship but know that you shouldn't.
In any case, you don't want to gain a reputation with any woman for being the clean up guy to her social activities.
Despite the fact that women like me are considered jealous and insecure about these types of relationships, men have a lot to lose by them as well.
Actually I saw a video of a group of dolphins attacking a great white. They went at it like a pack of wolves and tore it to pieces. Posted via Mobile Device
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