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New Girlfriend Always Going out with Male friends

45K views 248 replies 60 participants last post by  carpenoctem 
#1 ·
So I've been dating this girl for about two months now and she's very easy going and we have ALOT in common...even down to our tastes and habits. This has been a refresher.
We did have a small hiccup over my vasectomy (I've been married, divirced wiht two kids etc but she's spent all her life in med school etc and in her mid 30's but still has noncommittal hopes of starting a family etc 50/50 according to her....which I have nothing against). Somehow we found middle ground.

Now I'm very open minded and I give people a fair shot but I've noticed often (not constantly but very regularly) goes out with male friends (dinner and a movie, or meeting up for dinner) but it's usually not in a group. Different guys she says she's met over the yrs throug grad school, med school etc but 90% of the time it's just her and a guy friend. Occassionally they are in a group but thats usually a rarity.

I have a gut feeling there might be more to it from a guys perspective. I know few guys who go out solo with girls they have no plans on banging or haven't banged (lets be real here). I don't go out with girls in that manner since I've been with her, yet she once complained about me often referencing my exes in conversations when discussing lifes experiences.

Am I crazy or something seems "off"?
 
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#2 ·
You are a guy, so you know the male perspective. Yes they want to bang her. Is she out of line? Hard to say yet. Here is the deal though. You know she is going to the movie, right? well slip in to the same movie in the back row when it is dark and wait and watch. If it is a 9:05 movie, then wait until 9:10 to buy your ticket and walk in. She won't see you or be in the back row, if she is in the back row, you already have your answer.
Some woman are naive, some just pretend to be due to enjoying the attention of many men. Some want the attention and will not ever cheat (rare IMO). The ones that like the attention, need it to fuel their insecurities and eventually they will cheat to feel wanted. No relationship or marriage goes until death with out rough patches. People who are extremely insecure can not handle these down times and will seek the affirmation from any where they can get it.
She may just be another female thinking all these guys give her attention b/c they want her as a buddy. She would not be the first to be naive. There will be some women that come on here and fight these statements and most likely a few beta males will as well. You sound more Alpha then Beta to me so you know what I am talking about.

I would be more concerned about the telling fact that it appears you (as the new boyfriend) is not not being invited to join them. When I got with my wife, I took her everywhere I went as I wanted very much for my friends to become hers and vice versa
 
#222 ·
You know she is going to the movie, right? well slip in to the same movie in the back row when it is dark and wait and watch. If it is a 9:05 movie, then wait until 9:10 to buy your ticket and walk in. She won't see you or be in the back row, if she is in the back row, you already have your answer.
No disrespect, but this is just downright creepy. The new girlfriend is not his ex wife, she hasn't given him a reason not to trust her. If he is not comfortable with her going out solo with her buddies, then he needs to talk to her. If they can't come to a compromise and this is a dealbreaker to him, there you go. But creeping into the back row of a cinema just to stalk your new girlfriend because you have trust issues with women is just not right.
 
#3 ·
So I've been dating this girl for about two months now and she's very easy going and we have ALOT in common...even down to our tastes and habits. This has been a refresher.
We did have a small hiccup over my vasectomy (I've been married, divirced wiht two kids etc but she's spent all her life in med school etc and in her mid 30's but still has noncommittal hopes of starting a family etc 50/50 according to her....which I have nothing against). Somehow we found middle ground.

Now I'm very open minded and I give people a fair shot but I've noticed often (not constantly but very regularly) goes out with male friends (dinner and a movie, or meeting up for dinner) but it's usually not in a group. Different guys she says she's met over the yrs throug grad school, med school etc but 90% of the time it's just her and a guy friend. Occassionally they are in a group but thats usually a rarity.

I have a gut feeling there might be more to it from a guys perspective. I know few guys who go out solo with girls they have no plans on banging or haven't banged (lets be real here). I don't go out with girls in that manner since I've been with her, yet she once complained about me often referencing my exes in conversations when discussing lifes experiences.

Am I crazy or something seems "off"?
I'm with you. I don't believe a guy and girl can just be friends. Guys don't usually hang out with girls they have no intention of "hooking up with" that's just how guys are. It's like going to a bar but not wanting to have a drink...not happening.
 
#6 ·
Sure they can and do. They might accept they aren't going to hook up with her in particular, but her friends and associates and any female who gets that social validation would be faregame for him, so he's not wasting his time.
 
#5 ·
Now I'm very open minded and I give people a fair shot but I've noticed often (not constantly but very regularly) goes out with male friends (dinner and a movie, or meeting up for dinner) but it's usually not in a group. Different guys she says she's met over the yrs throug grad school, med school etc but 90% of the time it's just her and a guy friend. Occassionally they are in a group but thats usually a rarity.

Am I crazy or something seems "off"?
No you are not crazy. You are only into this relationship for two months now, but if you plan on getting more serous with her and be in an exclusive relationship, then this behavior needs to stop. If there is some reluctance to do so, then do yourself a favor and end the relationship .... or keep it on a "friends with benefits" level. You don't need the headaches that will certainly follow.
 
#10 · (Edited)
Seems fairly simple to me.

You say she is your girlfriend, so I would assume that means you are in an exclusive relationship.

Going out with another male friend for dinner and a movie is called a "date"; meaning your relationship is not exclusive; at least not for her.

So you are letting her know that it's OK for her to date other people. That's not something I would accept if it were my "girlfriend".

And even if nothing else is going on during these dates (though I have my doubts), you're setting a bad precedent for your future with her. Will this continue if you are engaged, married?

Best to put your foot down now if you want a relationship with her, and if she balks, find a new girlfriend.
 
#19 ·
At a minimum, you have a GF that blurs the boundaries and is statistically at risk for cheating at some point or another simply due to her preference for male friends and how she interacts with them.

Is she worth all the drama that entails to continue on with a relationship? That's up to you to decide. But since you are so early into it, you can lay everything out on the table now before it gets too complicated. Tell her that you do not accept the idea that she is going out on "dinner dates" and "movie dates" with male friends while she's dating you. If she won't give up these outings with male friends, then leave the relationship for good. It's that simple.
 
#21 ·
It's early in the dating game. Have the two of you agreed to be exclusive?

My take is that your vasectomy takes you out of the running for a committed, long term relationship in her eyes. She will most likely want children so you are not a good long term option for her.
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#25 ·
I thought about this as well which makes sense. But she recently dropped the L - word which honestly I didn't know what to make of. I don't know if I'm over analysing things but the actions are just too blatant to reconcile with the words. I will jsut wait for the next "meeting my friend for dinner / drinks and maybe a movie" to lay it out to her.

I don't meet members of the opposite sex in such exclusive manner when I'm with someone.
 
#27 · (Edited)
It seems as if your gf has is still in university mode. imagine all that late night studying she did with her classmates without regard to whatever sex they are; all the all nights that they stayed at each other's place and so forth.......

So now if she is serious about a relationship for herself, she needs to be weaned off this university way of thinking. We all had to go through it.......

As you two move more closely to exclusivity, tell her that you would like to meet all of her friends, male and female. And that over the long term, you do not like the idea of one on ones that she has with her male friends, for the reason that they are date like. If you say that they are a date, you can be sure that she will protest that with "but we're just friends."

I don't know if you can salvage this relationship. Because I think this OSF stuff runs deep among younger (20 and 30 somethings) people and they have to lose or at least practically lose a good relationship before they realise that hanging with people of the opposite sex who aren't making the same sacrifices as you are to be with her is not worth it.

I went through this with my fiance. If I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, he actually thought he was "just friends" with someone he used to date who was interested in our sex life ...... and then told him to dump me because we weren't -- according to her -- having sex often enough. She of course had just rejected a kiss from him and realised that she was losing the advantage of his credit card as he wasn't as available to her as he used to be.

He has had to do a lot to make up for these foibles.

For you OP, if she continues to insist that these are "just friends" and continues with the objectionable behavior, I would say you are wasting your time.
 
#28 ·
I have a female friend on facebook...not really a friend but someone I went to school with...NO PRIVATE MESSAGES LOL

She is always *****ing about how men are jealous wussies and none of them can deal with her having male friends...um...honey...your 43...dying to get married...and no prospects in site...maybe its this whole "ALL my friends are guys" ****...I wouldnt put up with that crap either

I have female friends...99% of them are friends with my wife or MY male friends wives...when we get together, men go in one room, women in the other...we just dont have THAT much in common

imo a male friend is just someone who wants to but hasnt banged you yet...period...flame away...unless they are gay (i am not anti-gay, I have gay friends)
 
#31 ·
This feels strangely like deja vu all over again because my ex is now with a guy who was a family friend....YES FAMILY FRIEND. Some family friend right?

I mean......no guy I know just hangs solo with a hot doctor without a motive, willingness, or inclination to bang her. Just saying.
 
#54 ·
This feels strangely like deja vu all over again because my ex is now with a guy who was a family friend....YES FAMILY FRIEND. Some family friend right?

.
Then Aston , the problem is with you.
Not saying that you are a bad person, you probably are a very sensitive man, who loves and cares deeply for his relationships.

But you need to fix that part of you that allows women to do that kind of stuff to you.
Women don't respect a man that allows them to get away with indiscretions.
There's a difference between love and respect.
 
#36 ·
Guys and girls CAN be friends. A lot of the negativity you hear on here about that are from people who's WS had a "friend" they were intimate with.

It's hard to learn to trust but trust you must. Locking up your spouse for life won't make for a happy relationship.

If there is nothing amiss with their friendship then they won't mind including you. If they do mind, or if they are trying to make sure their time is always alone that is probably a sign of trouble.

I have two great friends who are girls. My wife is included in all our conversations. We get our families together and hang out. But occasionally it might just be me and one of them who have lunch together. It's not a big deal if done right.

Unfortunately you aren't far enough along in your relationship to know what's going on. And you aren't far enough along to be demanding too much from her. 2 months in it's still in a "take it or leave it" phase
 
#37 ·
^^My wife doesnt have inappropriate relationships with male friends...Ive not had a ws or wayward grlfriend in a LONG LONG time

I think men and women can be friends, but its obvious when they are too close...

Ive sat at the table with my wifes friends...after 20 minutes of the female banter I cant take it any more...men and women just dont have that much in common...now if I am texting and emailing and hanging out with a female friend all the time, there is more going on...sorry...we didnt just discover a mutual love for fashion or football...we are either banging or I am planning on it
 
#57 ·
Yes it's clear she's keeping her options open because I'm examining this from her point of view. Only someone who is keeping options open will act this way.
You know you're a player and you get **** on for being a jerk, you act nice and they try to play you. I think being a jerk looks increasingly appealing with every woman I get involved with.
 
#47 ·
Well, here's the deal. I had a number of female friends who I used to go out with to concerts, drinks and the like. And never even so much as a kiss.

But only very rarely when I was in a relationship. And usually for a good reason which my wife accepted, when I explained it to her. (Now reduced to being sent out by my wife to help her girl friends with computer issues, spiders to be caught, etc!)

It seems as if your girl friend is being disrespectful, but might not be aware of this fact.

A serious talk is in order, I feel.
 
#59 ·
Well... I'm going be a little harsh. :)

I'd go out with other peaple... i'D START asking a women friend (single) if she will like to hang out for a drink, I'd show myself very confident with myself and what I'm doing.... even comming back at the early light of the morning! I will cut of any discussion that involves her friend and start to look in other directions....
In a few words I'd treat her worse then she treats you but without showing it out! If she start's geting pissed, I would looked sorprized and say: THER ONLY FRIENDS!
 
#74 ·
You have gotten yourself snipped. She wants kids. She dates other men. You don't date other women.

She may love you but not being able to have kids is a lot to get over. It flies in the face of the biological imperative.

How old are you? Before the second date you should have told her you do not want any kids. Do you have kids by your first wife?

There seems to be a lot missing in this thread. Has she known you were snipped from the beginning?
 
#75 ·
You have gotten yourself snipped. She wants kids. She dates other men. You don't date other women.

She may love you but not being able to have kids is a lot to get over. It flies in the face of the biological imperative.

How old are you? Before the second date you should have told her you do not want any kids. Do you have kids by your first wife?

There seems to be a lot missing in this thread. Has she known you were snipped from the beginning?
I am curious to know this, too. Because this is the legacy of younger women, that is the belief that men and women can be friends and the relationships are 100% interchangeable with same sex friendships.

Even my fiancé outed himself when he told me that his EA's boyfriend met them both at the airport after their 4 day trip --in which they shared a hotel room. After telling about the trip and his free ride home grace a her boyfriend, he said, I can't believe that she's able to have a boyfriend and just take off with another man.

Really? Um, if you believe that you two were truly just friends, then why would this whole scenario be so difficult to believe.

OP, if you must date only 20 and early 30 somethings, the whole OSF dilemma will most likely be a recurring problem.
 
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