Husband Involved in an Emotional Affair

cat3523 · 05-10-2010, 08:14 PM

Okay,
I have never posted to a forum to seek advice, but I really could use some input. Last week, my husband told a close friend of mine that he had met someone and wanted to talk to her about it. She told him to tell me about it. After she told me, I confronted him before he had a chance to tell me. He said things like, I don't know how it happened, she is like my soul mate and I would be with her if I hadn't met you and all kinds of things that ripped me apart. So, of course I reacted as many people do and got angry and then I cried. To make a long story short, we spent quite a bit of time, two days talking about what might have caused him to seek out someone else. I thought we were moving forward, but I was wrong. I have complete access to his phone records, so I started checking them daily. After he said he would end their conversations, two days went by and he called her again. Of course, I freaked out. Told him that I couldn't understand why he needed to call her again after he had just spoken to her two days before. He said he didn't understand the rules and would not call her again. Go figure. Anyway, I dont really know what to do at this point. I sure could use some input from others.

OhGeesh · 05-10-2010, 08:43 PM

FWIW, that is a real emotional affair!!! Often anything longer than saying "Hello" get's labeled as a emotional affair these days, but that is 100% what a emotional affair is.

I'm so sorry!! I'm sure you will get alot of great advice. I would beg you to keep talking and having the hard talks to really find out from him why and how this happened. Make it clear how much this hurts you and your family he needs to understand that he must be 100% committed to you! He needs to prove that. He needs to stop talking to her on the phone, email, etc assuming they don't work together or similar. Let's hope he sticks to his word!

I'm sure the conversations won't get alot easier until he has earned your trust back.....the postives are that at least he was "going to" open up. You just beat him to the punch!! That is better than just finding out.........

Keep talking and good luck!!

lbell629 · 05-10-2010, 11:16 PM

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. As far as things to do, first I would suggest going to counseling. It will help the both of you to open up about what is going on and give each of you a safe place to communicate.

Ground rules for any type of affair - emotional or more - is that he needs to cut of ALL contact with this person. No phone, email, meetings, etc. If they work together, he should probably start looking for another job. Basically he needs to prove that you are the top priority in his life. He needs to act in a trust worthy manner, and you need to accept that and trust him. It won't be easy at first, but you'll get there.

cat3523 · 05-11-2010, 09:38 AM

Thank you for you input. I feel like a detective. I'm tired of looking at phone records, but it seems to be the only thing I can do to make sure he doesn't call her anymore. He travels and I travel so it is difficult when we are apart. I have not contacted the other woman. He offered, but I said I wasn't ready and didn't think it would do me any good. But I'm thinking that it might because I'm not convinced that he really has ended it. The phone records don't show any recent calls, no emails or text messages, but I think he may try to get his friend to contact her on his behalf. I'm so confused. To top it all off, last night our 17 year old dog was attacked. The injuries were bad and we had to put him down. My husband is out of town so I had to break the news to him this morning. What a mess.

Amplexor · 05-11-2010, 10:02 AM

So sorry to hear of the problems in your life right now. An EA can be very damaging to a marriage. My marriage survived one but it took a lot of time. If your husband has admitted to the relationship, understands what it is and is willing to stop that is a huge start in recovery. Having that feeling that you need to snoop is awful but with time if he holds true to his word that need will dissipate. Usually an EA develops because the spouse feels they are missing something in the marriage. Validation, affection, caring conversations... You said you'd been having many conversations and is what needs to happen. You both need to understand what the other needs from the marriage.

No contract is critical in this, if he continues to be in contract with her he will not fully reconnect with you. But be prepared he may stub his toe. My wife did a couple of times. Contacting TOW is totally up to you. In some cases it helps, in others not. In my case I did contact TOM and he schmoozed me over just like he had my wife.

Good luck with this, it can improve and the marriage can come back stronger than ever. Mine did.

turnera · 05-11-2010, 12:58 PM

You can work to stop them contacting each other, but if you don't focus on fixing what's wrong with your relationship, he'll just keep looking for someone who DOES meet all his needs.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire. Both of you sit down and fill a copy out, and then swap. You need to know what YOU do that irritates him, so you can STOP doing it. Whatever he says - aside from the affair stuff - is valid, and you have to stop doing them.

THEN, you can work on meeting his needs.