I hurt my husband
This is my first post. I'm new to this forum. I have a very long story, and will just give you the highlights. By shortening it, I'm afraid it may come across as cold, but you can't imagine the emotions involved in all of this. But, to make a VERY long story short....
We married in 1984. I had an affair in 1986. It involved flirting and one sexual encounter. I never told my husband, but he always suspected. He asked me several times over the years and I always denied. He brought it up again in 2006, and I could tell that it was really bothering him, so I confessed.
Turns out he had imagined things a thousand times worse. He was horribly hurt. Even though it had happened 20 years ago, it was brand new to him. And it wasn't just the cheating, it was the 20 years of lying to him.
Things got ugly. He kept asking "why". I couldn't give him a good enough answer. There is no good answer for something like that. The fact that I was young, stupid and impressionable certainly wasn't a good enough reason for him.
In the summer of 2006 he propositioned 2 women at work. Supposedly both turned him down. Then in summer of 2007 he advertised himself on an internet dating site and after 3 days of chatting w/ a woman, he met her for sex. I found out pretty quickly, he said he broke it off, but later I found out it went on for another 3 months.
I was devastated. I thought we were doing better. He said he didn't do it for revenge or to hurt me. He said he did it because I couldn't give him answers. He said he did it as an experiment to see how you could do something like that to someone you love.
Since then, he has stayed in touch w/ the internet woman. Sometimes secretly, sometimes openly. He has become good friends w/ one of the women he propositioned. He was trying to get close to 3 other women on the internet. I know he was lying about one other woman and going to meet her at the coffee shop. He swears nothing physical has ever happened except for the 3 month affair in 2007.
He's really gotten big into Face Book. He was chatting and flirting with a woman last night while we were lying in bed together.
Obviously I can't trust him.
He says he can't love me like he did before. He says he can't like who I am, because I don't even like myself. He says I should find myself, then come find him.
We've gone to marriage counseling and individual counseling. He HATED it because he thought he was completly right and they didn't agree with him on everything.
He says he's thru placing blame, that this is just where we are. But if I ever act mad about the other women, he throws my affair back at me. We have a very one-sided relationship. I don't argue, I wait on him hand and foot. He never did housework before, but now he won't do anything (cars, lawn mower, etc.) He said one time that he's waiting on me to get stronger so he can leave. I think he may be waiting till our 15 yr. old turns 18 so he won't have to pay child support.
Even if nothing physical is going on (and I'm not sure of that), all these other women are driving me crazy. I don't see how we can work on our marriage when he's got one foot out the door.
He wants me to "find myself" which I think means lose 50lbs and act happy, and want sex 3 times a day. But how can I do that with the constant disrespect and tension?