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Dont know what to do ...please help

27K views 102 replies 43 participants last post by  happyman64 
#1 ·
First off I am 49 male and she is 46f. We've been togather 25 yrs and married 15. Have 4 grown children and an 8 yr old. We've had a good marriage. Until recently.
About two months ago my wife informs me that she sent a letter to an old flame from thirty years ago. She stated in the letter that she still had strong feelings for this person. At the time she told me this she seemed upset and embarressed. She stated she didnt have other contact with him and he hadnt tried to contact her.
Things around the house havent been the greatest and I got the vibe from her that she would just as soon not be around me or even talk for the past month.
About a week ago she wasnt acting right and seemed hateful towards me. She left saying she was going to the store. Well I waited about half an hour and drove by this guys house and seen the car there. I went to the house and beat on the door and the guys brother came and said he wasnt there and didnt live there. Well i waited around for about 4 hours and finally caught site of her leaving out the back way and confronted her.
She swears nothing happened and this was the first time she had contact with him. He told her that he didnt have the same feelings for her but if she wasnt married maybe thay could go out.She swears she was just waiting inside to make sure I was fgone before leaving. She says they had no physical contact. Didnt kiss or anything. She still seems mad and distant from me.
I told her I love her and want to work it out and she says she doesnt know if she still loves me and is considering moving out to sort her feelings out.
I cant seem to get none of this out of my mind. I keep replaying it over and over trying to see if there is anything I am missing.

She says it will never be the same. She betrayed my trust and there is no going back. I am inclined to believe that.I dont even know if I believe what she has told me. Its probally the truth but how do I know.
She said she is sorry but she sure dont act like it. She is still pissed at me as though i scared him off and ruined her chances wit5h him or something.
If we seperate I would like to try for custody of out son and that could get ugly.
I dont know what to do. I dont want to lose her. I dont want to seperate. I dont want to divorce. I think she really wants to seperate and I feel that seperation will lead to divorce.
Do I let her go or beg her to stay?
 
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#2 ·
Yeah you don't want to lose her but I'm sorry to say that she looks like she wants to lose you. Is there some reason for this? Have you been unfaithful to her during your marriage? Drunk? Abusive?

I can almost guarantee you that she lied to you about what went on in that house. Do you think she went there uninvited? I think not. It's highly likely that there was a good deal of intimacy involved - unless you got there within minutes of her arrival.

What you need to do for the time being in prepare for the worst. Click on the link on my sig line (180) to get a copy of a set of guidelines for you to read and follow so that you can strengthen your spirit.

Make arrangements to see a family law attorney as soon as possible. Keep an eye on your bank accts to ensure she doesn't drain those.

While she's in this mood you can bet that she's making plans. Probably has already made them.

Whatever else you do DO NOT leave your home. Don't let her cow you out of the marital bed or home. Not at all.

Get yourself some voice activated recorders. One for her car (hide it under the seat and secure it with heavy duty velcro) and one for yourself. You need to protect yourself from false charges. She may make claims of abuse to get you out of the house. You can't trust her at the moment.



Look, yours going to come out of this okay in the end.
 
#3 ·
I think first you have to do some quiet investigating to find out the real extent of her contact with him. Check phone records, facebook, get a VAR to put in her car, etc.

If you confirm that they are having an affair, you expose it. Your chances of recovering the marriage go up if you can bust the affair.

Is the other man married?
 
#7 ·
About two months ago my wife informs me that she sent a letter to an old flame from thirty years ago. She stated in the letter that she still had strong feelings for this person. At the time she told me this she seemed upset and embarressed. She stated she didnt have other contact with him and he hadnt tried to contact her.
Did she tell you this out of the blue? There must be a reason why.
 
#9 ·
@ walkomers.. no I haventr been abusive or cheated....ever... I have always been good to her and provided for her...

something may have went on inside the house but I dont want to believe it right now without proof. when she told me what he said to her about not having the same feelings for her she was about to cry.

I am really thinking and hoping that this affair is mostly something emotional in her head.... but it dont change the fact that she isnt interested in me or dont love me anymore. How can you loose that after soo long.

Im gonna check out the 180 link in a minute.

@ alte Dame.. I have done some checking this past week and there is nothing on her facebook,email or cell phone. I took a half day off and followed her in a coworkers car and nothing. Thats why I tend to think that I actually caught them first contact. But how can I be SURE. I dont want to distrust her the rest of my life. The other man is not married.

I feel as though the way I am acting is driving her away. I am watching her like a hawk. and questioning everything and keep bring up what all has happened. I think she is ready to bolt. Do I need to back off and wait a while to bring it back up?
 
#10 ·
She sent a letter to contact him? Not an e-mail or facebook contact?

Usually when they say they are moving out, it means they have already worked out where they are moving to. I highly doubt this was first contact with OM. They have been making plans to live happily ever after.

The guy at the door was the brother? Really? You sure about that? Perhaps it was your wife's boyfriend. Or is your wife and her boyfriend using his brother's place for a hotel?

Is OM married?
 
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#13 ·
Your wife is close to my age....if I had my guess she is starting to go through the change and is having some hormonal and emotional issues associated with it. If this is really out of character for her you may want to talk to her as about getting s check up.
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#15 ·
The value & benefit of 180 is for you. It's not a manipulative tool. It strengthens your confidence which leads to increasing your attractiveness.

It isn't a magic lamp though. If she really has fallen hard for this POSOM and is no longer in love with you then there's no changing that.

I understand there's many good reasons you want the marriage to work. Everyone here wants that too. But often you have to be willing to let the marriage go in order have the best chance at saving it.
 
#17 ·
Thanks everyone for your input. You are all so insightful its helping.

I really need to do the 180. Need to reprioritze and refocus on something else. This is eating at me so bad it is making me sick.

@mineforever, you might be onto something there. My wife has been talking about hot and cold flashes and mood swings lately. i even recall her saying she thought she was going crazy.
and shes told me she talked to her two sisters about this ( dont really know what was said) and both sisters tell her she is just being silly and emotional. who knows.

I cant understand why everything seemed fine up until about 2 and a half months ago and then BOOM. How can old feelings just pop up like that? Makes me feel like he was the ONE all along and Ive always been second best@ best.

Well we didnt get along at all tonight and she went to sleep on our sons bunk bed. She might be moving out tomorrow .
 
#18 ·
Something you need to keep in mind during 180:

Waterworks: When reality kicks in, she may end up in tears. Unremorseful wayward crying = "I have nothing else to say and I need your nice guy faculties right about now. Come and comfort me." Be prepared.

Out of the blue sex: This is basically offered to keep your mouth shut while she can do as she pleases. Take it in stride and don't ruin the 180.
 
#23 ·
I told her I love her and want to work it out and she says she doesnt know if she still loves me and is considering moving out to sort her feelings out.
'Moving out to sort her feelings out' actually means giving herself room to pursue another relationship without her husband looking over her shoulder. We hear this here all the time.

If she's on the brink of moving out, time is critical. Have you exposed her behaviour? Affairs thrive in secrecy. Don't let your wife have it.

Expose: Tell people who will be a positive influence on her what has transpired. Appeal for their help to save your marriage. Parent's, her siblings, your pastor, etc. It'll also put her future actions into context. She will, or already has, re-written your marriage history. People in affairs know what they are doing is wrong so they give themselves permission to cheat. Get your side of the story first and let people who's opinions of her matter to her cast a spotlight on her actions.

She won't thank for it now, but she's about to walk out on her marriage and her family (what about your 8 year old? Mommy can't just wander off one day because she feels like it). Good luck.
 
#24 ·
The 180 is for your own emotional health.

It has nothing to do with saving your marriage.

Sure the by product is that your old lady starts to see a confident guy that can find any chick he wants and is emotionally healthy not to take her crap, but in the end letting her go is the only why to get her to think twice in what she is about to lose.

Dude your old lady has you number and she thinks you ain't going no were......show her she is wrong and have the confidence to wish her the best with a smile on your face...and thats it...the indifference she sees in you will get her to second guess what she is about to lose.

Again she knows you will always be plan B.

Phuck that the best revenge is to live life well and not let our chicks define us....

Once our chick think they have that power to define us we are all screwed!


Haveing been were you are almost 4 years ago I can tell you that begging and crying for your marriage just doesn't work.

No matter how weak you feel you have to fake until you make it bro....be happy for the get out of jail free card and offer to help her pack.

Cuz at the end of the day me and you ain't going to share our old ladies!!!!!!!!!
 
#25 ·
One more thing, even though your old lady is mad that your pissing on her fantasy...always remember that its just a fantasy and once the fog clears she will be filled with regret....just don't try to tell her this...it shows you still care.

Your best bet is the 180 and go crap some boxes from the store and help her pack.

Its her choice were she wants her stuff at, but if it was me I would take them over to the other guys house...hell got take some empty boxes over there and ask him or his brother were they want them....

Hell go rent a Uhual truck for the day and pull up to the guys house and park it in his drive way, then take the kids and have them go play kick ball in the guys front yard.

My point here is scare this phucker off!!!!

You can;t deal with your old lady when the guy is still in the picture...trust me ...let your old lay be pissed off but until the OM (other man) is out of the picture he will continue to infect your chick.

In short your best option is to do what ever you can to make the affair as inconvienent and uncomfortable as possible...even when it seems like it pushing her away.....hell thats what you want ...make her face her new reality....she won;t like what she sees.
 
#26 ·
You are a raging doormat. And no one wants someone with no self esteem. Which is why she pulled this crap. She knew you would do nothing.You let her define you and now she ha no respect for you. Check your man code and stop the beta act. If your marriage is dead, the only question is do you leave with your self respect? Kick her out. Thats the only way to get her respect back. Men simply do not beg to be with cheaters. Show your kids how a man deals with disrespect. Lead your family.
 
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