My husband cheated....How do i deal with this??
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-20-2010, 12:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband cheated....How do i deal with this??

Everyday it hurts to know that the person you love the most cheated on you..

I am 24 years old and my husband is 28. I have been with my husband for 7 and 1/2 years and married for 2 & 1/2. Yes I was very young when we started dating. We have no kids because we wanted to wait till we were settled.
It all started on November 16, 2009 when I got a call from a friend telling me that my bro in law had told her my husband cheated on me and got a girl pregnant.
After a few days I finally decided to confront him.. I told him what I knew which was not a lot. I told him just tell me and not to make it harder than what it already was. His answer was

"What they told you is true" I dont think I will ever be able to forget those words.. So he cheated on me with one of his best friend's wife!! Which we had spent some time with the friend and wife. We would all 4 go out dancing, etc. So he started telling me how she was the one that first text him which was December 2008 and it just went from there. It happened about a month from the time they started talking. According to him and her after I talked to her it only happened once. I had gone through his cell phone records and saw all the text messages. I told him if he felt something for her why not end relationship with me.. He said he didnt feel absolutly nothing for her and that he didnt know how it happened..

So she got pregnant in January (which means he cheated on me only after being married for 1 year & 2 months!!) and baby was born in October of 2009.. And all that time I didnt have a clue about anything. He knew very well how to hide it.. Around the time they started talking is when we were having some differences. We were always fighting and were not gettin along too well. The worst part about it is that in January is when we started looking for our house. We finally put an offer for one and it was ours in June. I few months ago I asked him why didnt he tell me. Why did he keep it a secret and his answer was "How do you tell the person you love that you got someone else pregnant" I trusted him so much I would never check his phone calls or text messages. He is the last person I would expect this from..

Finally beginning of October he told me he was ready to start a family with me so he hid my birth control pills and well I was very happy because I was ready. My hopes were up and from there on all I wanted was a baby of our own..

Well i didnt find out the truth until November 21, 2009. So at that moment they completely stopped talking to each other. At that moment I told him that I could not handle it. That if he wanted to be with baby there was nothing I could do to keep him away from that but that he could not count with me on that. I told him that a few time and his response was that he didnt want to loose me.. So if the baby he had with her had been born late October why did he tell me and get my hopes up about us having our own family???

January 2010 baby got sick.. He spent a few days in hospital because he had a infection in his blood or something like that. He asked his friend (which they work together) how the baby was doing and friend said ok.. Well my husband was not sattisfied with answer so he went to hospital.. I had gone to the store when he left and he didnt tell me where he was going. I had called him several times and he didnt answer his phone so he was supposed to be at work at 1 and i was there waiting for him worried to death because I didnt know where he was after like 4 hours of calling him. Finally he arrieved at work at like 2 and we talked for a little while. He told me he had gone because of the baby and not cuz of her which I believe.

Later that day she called me.. Explained things and we talked. She admitted to being the one who looked for him and would always call him which I knew cuz i had seen all the calls and it was her who always initiated them.. I asked her why didnt she take the next day pill if she knew she would get pregnant and her answer was "I wanted a baby from him" After that there was not much to say.
That night when he got home I asked him what they had talked about and he said he told her he wanted to be part of the baby's life..

At that moment I knew if that is what he wanted our marriage had to come to an end because I was not going to deal with. There is no way I could have that baby at my house, or have him be talking to her even if it was just because of the baby..
So basically I told him if thats what he wanted then that was the end of us. He told me no, that he loved me and didnt want to loose me. So I told him several times until he got it in his head. I told him I would never accept that baby as his.

And that's where that was left. Next thing you know towards end of January I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. Now with our own baby due in September.. I'm very happy and excited about our baby but his infidelity still hurts me very much.
It hurts me that me (his wife) was not the 1st to give him his 1st baby... And even though he said he wanted to be with me im afraid that later in the future he wont be able to be without him. And i honestly dont know what to do. There is not one day that goes by where I dont think about it. And I cant get over it. I try not to cry or feel down because I dont want it to affect my baby..

He told me that there is nothing to worry about. That he is with me and will be there for our baby and our family. No one but his brother and my friend & cousin know about this.My parents dont know, his mom doesnt know. So what do I do?? Do I pretend nothing happend and try to live with it? If so, how do I forget that? Its so hard to trust him now. And now I have so much anger in me. I never knew I could hate someone so much. And I feel like its affecting me so much.

The thing I always ask my self is why??? Why did he let that happen if he supposedly loves me so much?? Why didnt he use a condom??? Why...............?
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Old 05-20-2010, 07:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated....How do i deal with this??

First of all I'm sending you a big ((hug)) I think you certainly deserve one for what you are going through.
This is such a tough situation to go through....I can relate on the infidelity part of your story.....
I'm so happy for you being pregnant, for me the kids make all the difference in this world, truly god's blessings......
Your husband does sound like he regrets his actions and he does sound like he wants to hold his marriage and family together....
I think the fact that he has another child is not something you can hide from the family, his mother, siblings.....
I think he needs to come clean with everyone involved in your life so you don't have to live with this secret the rest of your life..
It sounds like you want to forgive him and stay married, just take it slow and he will have to be transparent with his comp, phone and his whereabouts at all times so you don't have to worry what and who he is spending time with.....
Slowly over time you will trust him again and believe in the man you married....
I know it must hurt a lot about the fact that he now has a child, the one you wanted to give him first.....
It was a selfish act on both their parts and nothing to do with you, you have done everything right here, I'm sure your husband will live with the guilt and remorse the rest of his life.
You can't change the facts but you can make the best of the future with him and your child.
This has taken so much from you, do not let it take your future as well.....
Think about it as teaching your child forgiveness, no child needs to grow up without a parent or with his/her parents not feeling a great connection......
Make it clear if anything like this ever happens again that you will walk and walk with your chiid......
He needs to prove himself and that will only happen in the long term......You will feel and see by his actions what kind of commitment he has for you and the family......
good luck, lots of support here, lots of very experienced people here..........
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Old 05-21-2010, 02:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated....How do i deal with this??

Quote:
her answer was "I wanted a baby from him"


Hearing this what does the betrayed husband feel about the baby?
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Old 05-29-2010, 07:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated....How do i deal with this??

Dear Tezil,
Our stories are so similar, so I can really feel your pain. It's great that you are pregnant with your own baby as it will give you something positive to focus on. Although I think about my husband's cheating numerous times every day, the fact that I have a career and two kids to distract me is a godsend.
I think the comments and advice that Jessi has given you are really sensible.
My husband is truly sorry for what he did and he has told me that he will regret his actions until the day he dies. He says that he will do what he can to make amends - does anyone have a list of ideas?
The plan is for the child born from his one night stand to become part of our family sometime in the future, as her birth mother is dead and the baby is currently living with the mother's much older relatives, so it's not an ideal situation for her. I want my kids to know that they have a sibling as I don't think it's fair to keep her hidden from them. We are waiting for the right time to tell our kids, and of course this will be my husband's task as this mess was created by him. Not only will he have to tell our kids (who will be the first to hear) but also all our family and friends.
I'm hoping that this will be a good lesson in forgiveness for my kids. Hopefully they will find it in their hearts to forgive their dad, just like I have. One thing I keep in mind is that if I had ever done anything like this to my husband, then I would desperately want him to forgive me, the same way he wants me to forgive him. Thinking like this has helped me.
I hope my story helps you. Take care.
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Old 05-29-2010, 09:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated....How do i deal with this??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tezil View Post
So what do I do??
You accept that you have a stepchild that you are going to deal with, is going to be in your house, and that your husband will talk to the mother about the baby for the next 18 years at least. It might not start right away since he is trying to convince you otherwise, but it will begin soon enough. The courts will grant her child support and grant him regular visitation. I know you are hurting and so it gave you some sense of control to say those things. But they are entirely unrealistic. He WILL have a relationship with his child, and you are going to have to deal those facts.

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Originally Posted by Tezil View Post
Do I pretend nothing happend and try to live with it?
Deciding to live with it is up to you, but you will not be able to pretend anything. The child exists and will be a part of your husband's life. Are you saying you want to pretend he doesn't exist.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tezil View Post
If so, how do I forget that?
You may want to consider counseling to help you deal with the reality of all this. It may be too painful for you to face up to by yourself because it seems you are deluding yourself. You want to pretend it never happened and you're asking how you can forget about it happening. There is a child - a constant reminder. You don't seem to be grasping the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tezil View Post
And now I have so much anger in me. I never knew I could hate someone so much. And I feel like its affecting me so much.
Very curious to know who you are angry with and who is it you hate? If it is the woman or the baby - anyone other than your husband - then again, you may want to seek counseling because that is misplaced aggression, also a result of you being unable to grasp the reality of your circumstances.

I'm very sorry this has happened and probably turned your life upside down. Counseling can help you deal with your feelings.
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