michzz

One thing I want to point out to you is that if your wife loses her job or quits it "because of emotional stress" you will be impacted financially. Depending on where you live it could trigger you having to pay spousal support or higher levels of support than you may already be on tap to pay.

Be strategic.

jar

So it is 4am and I am exhausted. I can’t sleep I keep replaying the past few days in my head. So I figured I would post yesterday’s texting drama that started first thing in the morning and went most of the day.

The subject is our dog Annabelle who we both love to death. My wife misses her deeply. I agreed to joint custody and that I would drop her off at daycare and the wife would pick her up on Monday. Yeah that’s right we bring our dog to daycare once a week so she can be social and play with her friends while we are at work. The only problem is day care is closed on Monday for the long weekend and it is about 40 min out of my way…During mediation I also detected that the wife has some sort of big plans for the weekend…I think with OM..

Wife-day care is not open on Monday...Are you going to drop her off on Tuesday or Monday at our house

Me-I cant take her to the house...Tuesday is not convenient because it is out of my way…I can drop her off at daycare on Saturday but I was looking forward to spending this weekend with her.

Wife-Well daycare is in agreement and you picking her up there in a 3 weeks will not be any less convenient…So Tuesday or meet me somewhere on Monday

Me- So Tuesday does not work for me…I am not willing to meet with you face to face at this point…So if you can find a neutral place for me to drop her off on Monday I am willing to do this. Or I can drop her off on Saturday and sacrifice spending the weekend with her….The pickup would be convenient because I would plan to pick her up after my weekly doctor’s appointment which is right near daycare.

Wife-Tuesday was the agreed day and they are not doing daycare on Monday…Maybe you could drop her off at H’s house (wife’s friend who is also a co worker)

Me- Sorry I am not willing to in convince myself to accommodate your schedule…You want to split the custody of the dog I am fine with that…When we left mediation I was under the impression that you call an figure out a mutual time…I was unaware I made an agreement fro Tuesday…I would prefer a neutral drop off and pick up…I don’t feel H’s is neutral….I am willing to drop her off there but be a where I plan to speak with her about the details of our marriage and your affair so if you are cool with that I am cool.

Wife-I am not asking H and she knows about the affair. and I am not accommodating your schedule as well this in not one sided accommodation…Pick a time Monday and we can meet in a parking lot and you can put her in my car. I will be in a store waiting for you saying you are here…

Me- That is fine I have offered two different dates that don’t work for either one of us…so next date that I have available is a week from Saturday…I will be passing by on my way to my family’s…also I am not ok with the parking lot option…

Wife- Well you’re not comfortable with anything so I am not the one being difficult here…

Me- sorry you feel I am being difficult…I need my space form you right now…again I can do sat or Monday if you can figure something out or a week from sat...

Wife- I will get back to you in a few

Wife- They are open on sat…I will pick her up at 11am

Me- Ok I will have her dropped off by then…

Wife-I need her xyz

Me- Ok…also don’t forget she is scared of fireworks

Wife- I know my own dog…

So kind of interesting….My wife broke all of her weekend plans and chose to be with our dog…OM apartment does not allow dogs…Wife also promised in mediation that OM would not step foot on our property or ever be around our dog….So interesting turn of events…I think I had her stressed out pretty good over this one…

Also got a really nice email from the mediator thanking me for the flowers

JAR

turnera

Sounds good. I just want to point out that, since it is SHE who's cheating, you don't HAVE to go through with these personally agreed upon arrangements. You don't HAVE to do ANYTHING for her. Not telling you to dis her, but just be aware of it in the back of your mind.

michzz

Ok, I am going to take a different tack.

I mean no disrespect, I've owned several dogs over the years and have been attached to them.

That said---it's a dog. You two fighting over who gets to visit is just too much. You need to cut the cord. Either she gets the dog 100% or you do.

This agreement and all the bargaining bout where to pick up the dog, who gets the dog when, and then the pressuring for time outside the agreement? Too much drama!

Be free of it all. Let her have the dog.

Move on.

jar

michzz

Point taken it is drama and it is stupid it’s only a dog....I am looking forward to getaway from it all...at least I know she has to come home at night to take care of her.

I move into my new place on Monday. I am looking forward to it. It is near work and I won’t half to commute 100 miles to work anymore.

Today I went shopping for stuff for the new place. Things all just kind of hit me this afternoon.

Affaircare I took your advice I treated myself to a nice TV for the new place

JAR

jar

Affaircare you are right everything seems counterproductive today.

Today is a special day for me and the wife. 10 years ago today we met. 5 years ago today I proposed. We always made it a appoint to do something special together for the 4th. I have heard nothing from her today. Kind of sad about this…

A few people on here have told me to get over her and move on. All of my family tells me the same thing. Yesterday I was speaking with my mother and she asked what’s wrong. I told her I want my wife back and my life…She told me that I do not want her back she is not worth it…It was tough to hear…

So today was a really nice day I spent the day boating with family and friends. It was really nice and relaxing. A few friends brought there g/f and they were all really gorgeous. (I am a sucker for pretty girls in bikinis) The other thing that I noticed about all of them was they were laid back no drama...One girl I ruined her cell phone and she was like no bigie…If that was my wife she would have flipped out and been pissed for a day…My bro says there is a girl like this out there waiting for me some where…Makes me really think I could have a better life with an amazing woman…The problem is I love my wife and I married her for all her strengths and weaknesses and still have hopes of an amazing life with her….I am actually considering she may be right along with everyone else…There are better fish in the sea.

jar

Well I moved into my new place last night. While unpacking reality hit me really hard. I didn’t sleep much last night and I am fairly depressed today. I am really struggling this morning graphic images of her and him together etc…I am keep asking my self is she really worth it? I continue to have no contact with my wife…I am thinking about looking into no trespassing and restraining orders to keep the OM out of my house and my property. The wife promises that she won’t allow him over. But I can’t trust her. I mostly want to do this just to cause drama…Not a very good reason…figure I would right about it rather than actually do it.

JAR

turnera

I would definitely look into filing the RO about OM. Or at least let her know that if you find out, you will. FIGHT the affair, and Plan A.

jar

I have threatened the RO now twice and she seems to be taking me very seriously on that one. I have also explained I will no longer contribute anything to the morgage if OM steps foot any where near our home. So I think the point is across. She actually brought it up in mediation. She also knows I am not one to make ideal threats or bluff on matters like this so I think the message is very clear to her. She explained OM has no desire to come into our home.

jar

Well I thought I would give an update…Basically I have made it through the week at my new place. I am completely moved in and organized. The place does not feel like home yet and feels really foreign.

As for the wife. She has texted me a few times this week. First time she wanted me to help her get our cell phone account split. She needed me to release her number off the account or something. I politely responded she needed to call them and figure it out and if she needed my involvement to have Att&t call me. We went back and forth on this one a bunch she was rather testy about it all. I am not sure why maybe because I wasn’t being very helpful.

Last night she texted me telling me my prized coral and fish in my marine aquarium died because of the heat. She told me I better come home and take care of it this weekend. I am really kind of said about this actually. Anyway I just thanked her for the update and asked if she would get the dead fish out. If she couldn’t I told her to just leave it until next month. In august I am suppose to go back home and take everything apart and get rid of it. I again thanked her for taking care of everything while I was away. I got no response.

So I still wonder if no contact is a good thing. I do know it has been good for me to regroup and focus my energy on myself. Only problem is the wife can’t see the changes I have made. I also find it interesting that she sort of checks in with me every few days. I also find it interesting that she has done everything that I have asked of her during this time. Respected my space virtually no contact splitting of the bills etc. The only thing that she hasn’t done is ended the affair. I feel like I am loosing her more and more. I also miss my dog and home.

Feeling a bit lost today. This weekend I am going to pick up his needs her needs. I also plan to get through the questioners in the surviving the affair book. I am hoping this helps.

This weekend I am spending time with family and relatives. Her sister’s birthday is today. I am not sure if I am supposed to send a card or not. But I think I am. I miss her family and my nieces a ton right now.

Jar

jessi

Jar,
Take care of yourself and keep busy with friends, family, working out......take advantage of the great weather......your dog....
Let her feel what life is like without you.....she has made her bed so to speak, let her find out who the OM really is, it's no longer fantasy it's now reality, faults and all......
I wouldn't be so quick to respond to her emails, texts.....make her wait, make her think you are moving on with your life and she isn't part of that anymore.....
It will feel, different for a while but hang in there, let it all play out and see what happens......
Send the sister a card, she was part of your life and you hers.....nothing wrong with that.....shows you care.....

iamnottheonlyone

Play nice. I am in the same boat with the no contact. How can she see the change if she doesn't communicate? I suggest any contact you do have should be as pleasant as possible. You need to show her what she is missing.
Drag this out. You want her to experience real life with the OM. Once he is a regular guy she can then compare you to him using the same standard. He thinks he has her so he will let his guard down. You will not waiver. Can you last a few more months. CMF told me this morning it was a couple of months with very little contact. She wasn't even here getting help. She kept it together on her own. You have help and support. We are here for you. Be strong. Take the long view. Be patient. Chant my mantra: patience, patience, patience.

iamnottheonlyone

Jar, I think the hard part about the no contact approach is not having some sort of lifeline to create contact. It is an odd thing to say, but we know there will be contact when we still share things. Whether it is kids or pets, bills or cars. So the 5 days I have not had contact despite having a child has been difficult, not just for me but for my son. Still, I know that she will talk to me at some point. Two weeks ago I got a call from her when she got in from London that, in a somewhat pleading voice, said she was checking in to see how things were going. The little bit of contact we have gives us some reassurance that we are doing the right thing.

turnera

I'm so sorry about your fish. iam is right - no matter what you do, stay polite, calm, upbeat, strong, and show her what she's missing.

This is the hard part for you. In this period, you are not getting anything, and it sucks. But you have to ask yourself if you want your marriage. If you do, you have to look at this period - these 6 months or so - as something like boot camp - crappy time, lots of work, NO positive feedback...it's really hard. It gets you wondering if it's worth it. So you have to really have a good hard talk with yourself.

If you are going to fight for the marriage, just put your game face on and muddle through it, keeping a cutoff time in mind - "I will do this for X months and if I don't get her back at the end of X months, I am MOVING ON."

What that does is let you survive the hell you're in, because you know there's an END. One way or the other, ok?

What are you reading right now?

jar

Thanks for the feed back.

I just picked up his needs her needs tonight. I am also working on a number of questioners from affair cares website and from surviving an affair.

I also picked up a book called more than just friends. My wife read it when all this started and I was hoping that it will give me some more insight into affairs.

A friend recommends I also read a book called too bad to stay too good to leave. I might check this book out after I get through the other two.

I am tacking this time to really regroup and work on myself. I have a lot to figure out. I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow or 6 months from now but I am open to the possibility that my feeling might change and I may be the one that wants a divorce.

In terms of my time line I am giving myself a lot of time. I am giving myself 1 year. I hope I have the strength to wait that long before moving on.

I am staying positive an up beat the best I can. I have made some new friends recently and I am looking forward to spending more time with them. I also really like my new roommate. I have a few new activities / hobbies that I want to try as well. Long term I know I can get through this.

The part that has me down is the no contact. I miss my wife and her family very much. I sent her sister and her mom birthday gifts and cards today. The other part is we have no kids and different social circles. Also are families live a few hours apart so I don’t see us seeing one anther very often if ever. I also have to be really careful. The wife is in a big rush for a divorce. I am trying to really slow things down but I don’t know how long I can hold her off.

Is there anything I can do at this time? I am hoping her affair ends soon.

JAR