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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-20-2010, 03:37 PM   #226 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Jar,
You have given me lots to mull over with this love bank idea...
What if you emailed her and said hey, I would like to make a deal with you. Wait for her response. Then say something like I will come fix the lawn mower if you will please make me some of your delicous______. Insert your favorite meal she cooked for you. Tell her you have really missed that. If she agrees, then say Iwill even throw in mowing the lawn if you will agree that we not discuss any big decision items while I am there. The go fix the mower, mow the lawn and eat dinner with her. Ask her questions, like hey ya know while I was mowing the yard, I was thinking of the funny thing that happened at ____. Do you remember. Bring up the reunion, how everyone missed her, said to say hello. Don't discuss anything that will start a fight. Preplan some funny things to say. Maybe find some small thing that needs attention at the house and do it quickly. Thank her for the meal and don't expect anything from her. If she will allow you to give her a hug goodbye, then do so but don't push it. The next day, send flowers or a card, thanking her for making the meal and how you enjoyed the company. Whatever works best, you know your wife. I think not talking to her, doesn't really give her a chance to see your changes and it gives you an oppurtunity to deposit in the love bank several times.Keep it light.

Also looking at your last post,she complained how dumped things on her. I have had this discussion with the hubby several times. You want to know what the main issue boils down to? She was lonely! By the time you realized it she had been lonely way too long. Rememer when you dated? Did you bring flowers, put notes in her car, take her out to dinner and such? After the marraige and things got difficult, did you ever call and say, hey you know what, don't make dinner tonight, I know you have been cleaning all day so I am taking you out. Leave her a note saying, I am thinking of you today? Those little things, can mean sooo much. It could exlain why she searched for attention through internet affairs,and finally OM.

I think if you want to save this marraige you have to TALK to her, touch her, let her SEE you are changing. Even if you talk about moving to your new place and missed how she ironed your shirts, or took the dog out for that first morning walk. Let her know you appreciated what she did. I am rooting for you. Be proactive, you have been silent way too long. Formal replies in an email is just leading you to pushing her further a way. She missed you, that is why she complained about those things!
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Old 07-21-2010, 12:47 AM   #227 (permalink)
jar
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Thank you for the recommendations. I think you are right. I will say all of those suggestions you gave me is not that uncommon from our everyday life. I will say these things are not as frequent as they use to be. My wife would complain about the little things like this. The little things that make her feel special and so I began to do them again and it just made her feel guilty. We talked a lot about this in therapy she would also talk bout how she felt ambivalent when I did these things. So this was tough to hear. But the biggest thing that would get to me was I would not get anything in return. I get excited when I do these things and look forward to my wifeís excitement in return. So it would hurt my feelings when I got nothing in returnÖnot even a hug.

I guess one of the biggest things I realized a few months ago when my wife would share her feelings or complaints often times I didnít feel like what she was saying was true. For example she didnít think I worried about the house hold bills and felt like the weight of it all was on her. So I would through out examples of why this isnít true and kind of want her to plead the case some more so I could understand better. I like facts. I guess I would kind of try to change her out look. What I finally realized is this how my wife feels regardless if I agree or not and that I just need to listen.

So I get this email from my wife today during one of my reunion events. It really got me worked up.
********************************************
I know you are on vacation and I have been going back and forth about this email, but I need to write this to you. I appreciate where you are coming from with things so far, I hear what you are saying and I understand that things are hard to deal with, especially with all the emotional parts of this.
With that being said, XXXXX is going to be laying people off in the next few months, no one knows how many people or when the exact date is. I am not sure what this means, but it really is starting to tie my hands and in turn yours with the house and our other assets. I am not looking out for only me, I am worried for both of us. We do not need to lose everything, we , me and You do not need to have bad loans, because we both would. I really really really want to work this through with you in mediation. I want to work with you and come to an agreement that works for you and me.
If you want the house, that is fine, you can have it, but if you do not please please please work with me to have it put on the market and sold. I cannot wait much longer and really donít want to have to go to a lawyer but will if you are not willing to work with me. I am not asking for a divorce tomorrow but to just work through the division and selling of assets neither of us want, or can afford alone.
Please at least respond and tell me whether you are willing to work with me or not.
Take Care,
********************************************

My wife has a great job and is highly educated. In our area there are not too many options for her to continue to work in her industries. So it is a bit of a pickleÖ

I am all for moving and selling our home and finding new jobs. I love our house but dislike our community. It is a love hate thing it is tough to explain. Either way it is our home and I donít want to give it up to an affair or a snap judgment. Itís our home I donít want to let it go unless my wife and I are moving forward together to a new place.

One nice thing is she is not on the speedy divorce thing any more but is still dead set on selling our house. I would rather see her focusing her attention on getting her resume in order and start doing job search. I went through a bit of a job upheaval 2 years ago and so I know how she feels and how scared she must be. I also realize she may not lose her job at all. I do want her out of there and away from the OM. She has had issues with her job for a long time and I have encouraged her to leave and find a new one multiple times. Maybe I can offer to pay for her resume to be written. I had one written for me a few years back and it really came out well and made a big difference on the job search front.

I could really use some more advice.

JAR
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Old 07-21-2010, 01:19 AM   #228 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

First off , you are on vacation and she sends you this mail. You have little or no time for face to face dialog. Delay this untill you get back, let her know you can chat on your return.

I do not see why you should sell any assets, you are still married. A sale will help her make a move elsewhere and if you wish to protect your marriage why go through with it.

What I can't find on your posts is if you outed her and the OM to her Boss, you should do this, I know I am a late entry on this and may have missed this at somwhere

Last edited by Wisp; 07-21-2010 at 05:11 AM.
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Old 07-21-2010, 07:49 AM   #229 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Offer to pay for her new resume. Repeat your wish to save your marriage.
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Old 07-21-2010, 09:17 AM   #230 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I agree I donít really plan to respond to her until I return home.

I did write on her facebook wall and told her I love you and I miss you. I got a text from her saying why would you write that on my face book wall.

Every time I try to do something I get met with nothing but coldness. I didnít even get a miss you back. This is so hard I donít know if I have this in me any more. She just wants out and does not show any sine of reconsidering.


JAR
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Old 07-21-2010, 09:33 AM   #231 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Maybe it's time for Plan B?
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Old 07-21-2010, 12:06 PM   #232 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Jar,

I think if she is writing this email to you, she has to still care. If she was totally angry with you, she could care less about what your credit rating turned out to be. This is also an opening for you! Email her back, lets have dinner(either a neutral place, one of your old favorite places, or ask her to make something you really enjoyed. Offer to help her get a good resume written then, not through the email.

I know exactly what your wife is saying. I am going through this myself. So she says you don't do a,b, or c anymore for me. Then you run out and do all three steps in a matter of days when you haven't done it in years. It feels like you did it caused I griped about it and not cause you really wanted to. Get it? There is where the guilt comes in. Your appeasing me so I will stop saying that. My hubby would argue your case, you said you needed this so why the heck are you mad I did it?

As far as the house goes.First, you both agreed you loved the house but not the location, then why hang onto it. She isn't pushing for a quick divorce but she is worried the house is going to create a huge financial matter later.Then sell it! Maybe a new house, starting out new is exactly what you need. Now saying that, she isn't going to sell this house and buy another with you. She might move closer to OM. You need to be prepared for that. When you have dinner with her, talk about what areas around you and her that might be good to relocate for her job and still be close to yours. Don't hound the issue.

Jar, sometimes those little things mean more than the big things. Ask her to come play at the park with you and the dog. Tell her the dog misses her. SHe will know it is you but who can deny the dog! Stop by her work, leave her a note. Hey was in your area, thought I would see if you were having a good day. If you know she was having a bad day, put a teddy bear in the car and say hey, I heard you needed a hug, since I couldn't give you one, I sent Teddy. It sounds corny and mushy but she needs to feel all warm and gushy inside again about YOU and not the OM. He still is exciting to her.

Jar, never ever write on her facebook like that. Some of her friends know what is going on and when you write that on her facebook, she feels guilty! Text that to her. Make it personal. Facebook should be kept for general comments. When you get back together, then you can write that on facebook and tell it to the whole world. You got to go back to basics, you have no kids so this should be easy for you to do. DATE your wife Jar. Just like in the beginning and add some new stuff to keep her guessing. If you make her feel bad or guilty about things, she will want to bolt more. Romance her back.

She still cares for you or she would not have mentioned I know your on vacation but I know you will check your email. I need to tell you this. She is worried.LOVE BANK POINT TIME, are you going to make her worry until you get back or are you going to say, honey I get back in two days, do you think we could have dinner and talk about the house thing and the other concerns you have? Which one is going to make your wife respond to you the most?

Do not argue with her at dinner. Set the rules when you get there. You know this stuff is hard on me and I can't discuss certain things without getting to emotional so how about we have a code word we can use to let the other know we are getting to close to a subject that we are not ready to discuss. Make it something silly so when you do say it. You know she is going to try to press you on things , and you keep yelling bannanas, bannanas! It will make her laugh and keep you both enjoying the evening. Try to make another date with her to discuss how things are going with the job, when you can come over to get stuff, whatever you think will get her to say yes.

Keep in mind the OM will not be liking the idea of you two getting together and you can bet he will say something that will start a fight. Poof goes that NRE and fog! He may even pull out the stops, to keep her from coming,then stop agreeing to things. You don't need a mediator to talk to your wife,you need to do it!
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Old 07-21-2010, 12:10 PM   #233 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

P.S. Sorry about the novel.
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Old 07-21-2010, 12:12 PM   #234 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I think that expression was too public. You could have sent her a message. This is a stressful time. The posting on FB was a misstep. Move past it. You just need to tweek your thinking. Be strong and confident. Think...she misses me. You could have posted on FB with something like: We are having a grand time down here. Everyone misses you. Everyone says HI. I'll send some pictures for you. Don't work too hard. We'll work on that stuff you emailed me about when I get home. Luv, JAR
But nothing more personal on the wall. Tamara has some great ideas. They are not needy things. They are expressions of confidence.
As you know, I took my wife to a lunch to discuss business this week. She asked to got to dinner last night. She enjoyed our time together. No relationship stuff, just dating. Give it a go.

Last edited by iamnottheonlyone; 07-21-2010 at 12:17 PM.
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Old 07-21-2010, 12:55 PM   #235 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I totally agree with Iamnottheonlyone. The post for facebook that he mentioned is exactly right.

She even stated she was worried for you both. Don't make her wait. That pulls on the emotion strings. She already put herself out there by emailing you. She even stated she had gone back and forth about emailing you.

This also gives her and her friends an oppurtunity to see the changes you have made. Turnera also hit me over the head this morning, that if I want it to work, I have got to start the changes. You can't do this by avoiding her and how do you think she feels that you have not spoken?

My guess if she cares enough to write that email with all the deliberations, that somewhere inside her she is thinking, He says the words but no actions. If he can't even talk to me, he isn't really fighting for me either. Saying, yea, well I don't want a divorce and then not attempting to do anything about it is kinda pointless. It just shows her even more the marraige is over.
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Old 07-21-2010, 01:41 PM   #236 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Quote:
I did write on her facebook wall and told her I love you and I miss you. I got a text from her saying why would you write that on my face book wall.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. She is your wife, you are her husband. She may not want you to say these things to her, especially since she has convinced herself that her affair is the best course of action for her, but it is not wrong to express yourself to your spouse. You can overdo expressions of love, but this was a one time verbalization. Hardly 'overdoing' it.

My perception of that email differs from some other opinions around here. Over and again your wife has demanded 'mediation' - in effect, 'let me leave you with as much as I can get from you' - and you've been advised that the only mediation you should accept is a mediator willing to work through the problems that separate you. All I see in this email is another attempt to get you to do things her way. Once more she argues:

"...We do not need to lose everything, we , me and You do not need to have bad loans, because we both would. I really really really want to work this through with you in mediation. I want to work with you and come to an agreement that works for you and me..."

Well, what works for you? Recovering your marriage? Or divorce? The fog talk in her letter is simple: 'Come on, be nice, do thing my way. I want a divorce, and I want you to help me get it.'
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Old 07-21-2010, 02:29 PM   #237 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I agree. You don't have to do anything. Help her find a new job and get away from OM, maybe. That's about all I would advise. Let her stamp her feet.
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Old 07-21-2010, 07:45 PM   #238 (permalink)
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Well she deleted my coment off of face book. I left her a smily yesterday and she deleted that as well. I guess I desirve it. Not a good booster. So bumed...
Will update later out on the town with my family tonight

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Old 07-21-2010, 09:52 PM   #239 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

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Originally Posted by jar View Post
Well she deleted my coment off of face book. I left her a smily yesterday and she deleted that as well. I guess I desirve it. Not a good booster. So bumed...
Will update later out on the town with my family tonight

jar
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I am guessing that her deletions are a source of pain. Why not simply save yourself that problem and refuse to view her page! Hide her comments (you can unhide them later...) and simply stay away from things that cause pain!


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Old 07-22-2010, 02:07 AM   #240 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I agree my face book comment was way to public. I reallydont know what I was thinking on that one. I almost never post anything and for her to delete that stuff hurts my feelings.

I would love to date my wife again. I am just down in the dumps. It is a lot of rejection to take...especially from my wife. I would love to help her with this job thing. I just donít even think she would be willing to sit down with me and be civil at a return or something.

I would be ok with selling our house if I know we were going to start a fresh life together. My sense of home is really around her and not necessarily our house. I feel like if the house goes there will be nothing tying us together any longer.

I feel like my wife hates me for some reason.

Pete I thin you are right...I just donít know what to say or do...Everyone is giving me some great recommendations but I am having a hard time figuring out how to get things rolling...Like I said I feel like everything I do is met with just more blows to the heart.

I really could use some more help. I guess I can start working on a plan in the am...

Jar
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