Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
Jar,
Don't kick yourself for being all over the place. I think I did everything wrong regarding my H's affair at first. He has said those actions drew him even more to her. He ended it 2 1/2 months ago, and this past week said he loved me and wanted to be married to me. When I found this site I started to get "my act" together and it has worked. He still is in his apartment and we still have some "deal breakers" (more mine than his) to contend with, but there is a good chance he will move home within a month or so. I have learned the real meaning of patience for sure!
Their affairs send us into a tailspin and it is easier than not to loose focus and act out of those emotions. Just try to think through things before saying/doing anything from now on.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
Hi Jar,
glad you had a nice time on your vacation and it sure looks like you are starting to move on with YOUR life, that's important.
Decide where you are in your plan and just stick to your plan without a lot of expectation......move on with your life and if she wakes up and you are still around then you can work on your life together, if you have move past her than so be it......
You can't change her mind she can only do this......
Let her take care of any details that need to be done, if she wants to move on with OM she will have to do the work.......be nice and Plan A when you can but that is all you can do at this point.....
Keep up working on you and your life, enjoy it again.....you might be surprised what happens......
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
No response to the email I sent my wife yet.
I finished His Needs Her Needs last night. It is a really wonderful book. I am working on some of the questioners right now. I am trying to fill them out with my response as well as what my wife might right to help gain some insight.
Hopefully by tomorrow I will be able to summarize some of the results.
I also started a new book called not just friends. My wife read it a few months back. It is interesting the authors have many statics about affairs.
I have read in multiple places now that many marriages where affairs occur do not end in divorce. I find that interesting. I have two relatives that are going through it now. The wives are the ones having the affair and the result is they are divorcing. I find that interesting because according to the statistics one couple should be reconciling, and in at least one instant the husband should be having the affair according to the statics. I realize my sample size is kind of small and it is tough to really gain any kind of conclusion.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
Quote:
Originally Posted by jar
I have read in multiple places now that many marriages where affairs occur do not end in divorce. I find that interesting. I have two relatives that are going through it now. The wives are the ones having the affair and the result is they are divorcing. I find that interesting because according to the statistics one couple should be reconciling, and in at least one instant the husband should be having the affair according to the statics. I realize my sample size is kind of small and it is tough to really gain any kind of conclusion.
LOL Yeah it is a little hard to get statistical analysis from THREE occurrences, Jar. You're such a J it's cute.
Okay statistically most marriages (like 99%) that are hit by an affair are THREATENED with divorce, but don't actually end up divorcing. The numbers say 34% end in divorce as a direct consequence of infidelity--just statistically you have a 2 in 3 chance of not divorcing due to the affair. Of those who don't divorce though, the numbers say that as many as 75% would not categorize their marriage as "happy" and that's because often one will cheat, the other is hurt, and neither one addresses why did this happen and how can I change so it doesn't happen again?
Sooooooo... if you want the best statistical shot of not only staying married but also being in that 25% that are happy, the pivotal key finding out what actions extinguished love and then making the commitment to change so you do not do them again! If you send her flowers, write FB love notes, or even serenade her under her window with a song you wrote just for her--it would not be received and kindle love as long as the love extinguishers continue.
It's hard to face yourself and admit, "Yep, I was a Scorekeeper. I kept a little tally in my head of everything *I* was doing for the marriage and everything she did, and I made sure to let her know that she was NOT up to snuff." Right? One of my guesses is that you are pretty much of a J personality type (that means Judger and a J is not judgmental--they like things in order, analyzed, by the rules). I bet she's a P personality type (Perceiver) and you wanted things done by the rules or analyzed things but she wanted you to comfort her or validate her...not "fix it". So want to save your marriage? Don't focus so much on her. Focus on how to validate; practice it everywhere you can; give it a try.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
Lol...Afaircare I am glad you find my analysis cute. What I can say some times I just can’t help myself from thinking this way. I am sure it won’t come as a big surprise to you to learn that I am an engineer.
So for the fun of it I took a personality quiz. I don’t recall taking one before and I am a ENTJ. So you were correct in your observation. I found the description for this personality very interesting. I would say it is about right. Luckily I chose the profession that was recommend and even one of the colleges. I find it a bit comical.
I also took the test on my wife’s behalf. I could be completely wrong but she is ISFJ...I read through her personality type and I would say it is pretty accurate to a degree. I could be completely wrong seeing how I took the quiz for her. According to the description she is in the wrong profession. Maybe that is why she has so many problems with co workers some times.
Either way that judging characteristic is in both of our make ups. In conversation with her in the past that is one of her biggest hang ups she hates feeling judged by others. It really upsets her even know she is of the judging personality type. She worries about it constantly. This is why I am not sure if I got her personality type completely figured out but I think I am close.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
Just so you know, that J does stand for Judger, but it doesn't mean Judgmental or someone who judges others.
The E or I would indicates Extrovert or Introvert, which is where you turn to gather energy. Do you turn outward to people and actions or inward to ideas and reflecting? Do you get energized going to a party with a bunch of people? Or does that suck the energy out of you?
The N or S would indicate iNtuitive or Sensing, which is the way a person gathers information. Do you trust info that is tangible and concrete? Or do you tend to trust your hunches and look to an abstract or theory? Sensing might tend to like "data" and Intuitive just "get a feeling".
The F or T would stand for Feeler or Thinker and this one I've noticed often is thought of along gender lines: women are thought of as Feelers, men as Thinkers. Anyway, this is the way you make a decision. Okay you have energy, you've gathered info...how do you make your decision? If you use reason, logic, and rationality you may be a Thinker! If you use empathy, association, harmony, or relationships to decide, you may be a Feeler. Do you sit an analyze an argument looking for "where it went wrong and how to fix it?" using rules of engagement? That would be a Thinker. Do you cry and hurt and have emotions overwhelm you after an argument so that you can't think straight at all until the storm inside you settles down? Yeah-probably a Feeler.
Finally P and J stand for Perceiver and Judger, and that would indicate the person's... well their lifestyle I guess. If you are a Perceiver, you might be easy going and see 100 possibilities for how a certain situation might turn out. If you are a Judger, given the information and decision that means there is only one outcome--THIS. So usually a P likes to keep things open to possibilities and kind of roll with the flow there is no schedule; whereas a J likes things in a certain order, a certain schedule, have matters settled. A good example would be a P gets in the car and head EAST with some idea of a few places they may head toward, have no idea how long they'll be gone...they're just taking a drive. A J gets in the car, has a destination, knows the most efficient route, and knows how long it should all take: order.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
Nothing new to report. I have not heard from my wife since she emailed me last week wanting to sell our home and threatening legal action if I did not agree. She also explained that her company was going to start laying people off and that she was worried.
I emailed her back recommending we get together for dinner and talk about her work situation and catch up. Also explained that I choose marriage and not divorce. I have had no response from her yet. I hope that my email has made her think a lot about things. I wonder how she and the OM are doing. Maybe she is working with a layer and filling for divorce. Maybe she is doing nothing and just sitting on the couch eating chips and not dealing with reality. Tough to know what is going through her head right now?
Been reading more than just friends the past few evenings. Another good book about affairs and the different stages and emotions that all parties involved go through. So far I would recommend it.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
Someone mentioned another book, "How to Save Your Marriage Alone". One reviewer stated it turned him/her into a doormat enabling other affairs. They must have had the WS still at home. JAR- we are on our own. If your W isn't contacting you then she probably is spinning her wheels. After all the drama about our SUV my W hasn't mentioned it in a week. I say this is good. It is now about space for us and not enabling or cause love extinguishers. She knows you love her. She hasn't filed so don't stir anything up unless you change your mind and want to divorce.
I will pick up "More than.."
It is just hard to retain this materials. I look at the conversation I had with my W last night and I can see the extinguishers all over the place. But I just lost it because she is trying to manipulate our son. More reading and more practice. I was talking over her and not listening. So with your W you have some time to study and not trip over your own feet.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
I am in research mode write now. Since my wife isn’t talking to me I am trying to figure out what the extinguishers are. I have been doing the questioners from marriage builders and affaircare as well as some personality tests. Trying to understand myself better. I am also doing these questioners as if my wife had answered the questions herself. The questions have made me think a lot. I also plan to pick up love busters book tonight on my way home.
As soon as I get a grip on these I will share with the group. I am sure I will need some advice.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
Cool that sounds good, Jar. I think if you keep your focus on the things that extinguished the love, and keep your focus on yourself and making improving as a person, you'll go far.
One of the hardest things to do is to look at yourself and say, "yep I do that...and doing that hurt my marriage" but taking personal responsibility like that is commendable. You can learn new ways to react and healthier options, and then practice them...and whether it's in the new, rebuilt marriage to this wife, or another marriage, you would be a better man and better husband.
I would also encourage you to find one activity that is something you just love to do for fun. As an example, join a class or a softball team, go to a bible study, become a regular at the coffeehouse open mic night--something that is distinctly YOU that you enjoy that you were not able to do while you were married. The idea is not to be resentful that you couldn't do it, but to remember that there are things you like to do because you're YOU, and to return to that guy. Do something you consider fun! Dear Hubby and I do DND Game Night, we play WOW and other games together, we go to car shows and dog shows...so pick something that is YOU and have a little bit of a life.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
I am digging deep to understand things.
I keep reading these books just so I can better internalize things and not forget. Basically all of the books I have read give the same basic information.
I am looking into some new activities to try out. Things I have always wanted to try. I am looking at photography course and scuba diving lessons that are being offered in the area. Both things that interest me but I have always been to busy for. I am also thinking I might get back into golfing.
In the summer I live for the weekends and nice weather. I spend every free minute I can out on our boat. It has always been something my wife and I have enjoyed together. In the middle of her worst fog she explained she hated boating and everything about it. (It was crazy talk)
Lat night was therapy night. I told my therapist that I contacted my wife and not had a response yet. My therapist asked the question what if my wife does not contact me or want to get together. I really hadn’t considered that. I guess I figure it can’t hurt to ask. I really wonder what is going on in affair land and what my wife is going through. This no contact with her the past two months has been good for me. I have very little stress in my life these days. Overall my therapist said I was doing ok and coping well my circumstances. I have mediation with my wife in another week or so. I am 98% certain I am not going.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
I am happy to hear that your are leveling off. That fact that you are considering other hobbies is great. I am really getting into the guitar now. I am palying for about an hour a night. Ofcourse when I started I was playing the lost love songs. There are quite a few on the radio now and I mastered several of them. However, now I can't stand hearing them. I have taken up happier tunes.
I think the new hobbies will be great for you. Scuba diving in New England is interesting. When I trained we did a number of quarry dives. The quarries give you some deep dives in a confined space. And at the bottoms there is usually some interesting trash. I think you will find the experience very enjoyable.
You are probably right about not going to the mediation. If it feels right after a thorough anaysis, it is probably right for you.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
I got a random text tonight from the wife. She wanted to know when I am going to pick up the dog and when I plan to take care of my fish tank. I guess it was my once a week contact from her.
I explained that it would be a week or two and for the fish tank and that my landlord has not given me final approval for the dog. I kept it civil. She responded with next weekend would not work because she has plans and that I need to inform her when I plan to be there and how long it would take. So I cordially setup a date and time to return to my own house. Wonder what her plans are. My guess is her family is coming to visit and she does not want me to show up. For all I know they are packing the house up. I asked how our dog was and she responded great I was hoping to open a bit more conversation up with her. Her texts were very cold as usual.
No mention of my email to her. Wonder what all this silence means. Hopefully I am depositing a love unit in her bank with the fish tank. Acts of service is a love kindler for her.
I must be doing a bit better because these texts and emails usually send me off the deep end for a few hours and this time I am fine. Maybe it is just ambivalence.
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options
Time is healing the wound. Besides, you have seen just about everything. There aren't many surprises that could psych you out. Keep your cool. Hey, thanks for chanting my mantra!
Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options 
Yeah it is a little hard to get statistical analysis from THREE occurrences, Jar. You're such a J it's cute. 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
