Affaircare

First... TAMARA!! You said it! You wrote out what I was thinking so wow! Let's just say that I agree!!

To touch on just a few other options/topics, I do suggest getting back to her by Tuesday with your plan to "move forward" but basically suggesting that you two put legal things on the back burner "for now" and focus instead on the house and getting the house ready for sale and doing the things needed to sell the house. Move forward by contacting a realtor and scheduling just a walk-through. Schedule an appraisal. Make a list of the projects that need "to be done" in order to get it into shape for sale. Agree together that you will not sell the house for less than the mortgage (so that will buy you some time--like a few months--and even in the worst case scenario you'd both be starting off debt free). Volunteer to help with the projects on the "to be done" list. Volunteer to "house shop" together in areas you both find agreeable. Anyway, get the idea?

If she really presses the idea of some legal stuff (and I doubt she will) there are alternatives like "We're adults, let's just meet and see what we can agree on" ... OR ... "Lets agree to have Pastor Dave there as a third party witness" (assuming she knows and trusts the pastor and you do too)...OR... "Let's start interviewing mediators together!" ( so you'd be spending time with her! ) ... OR ... as a last resort you can always suggest legal separation because "divorce is for a lifetime and we should make that decision very deliberately and after due consideration."

For your anniversary, I would suggest doing something to acknowledge it even if she doesn't, but I would suggest keeping it almost light and friendly. Right now going "romantic" would probably be too much and not build love, but being her friend, having some fun, etc. might be well-received. Thus I suggest something like saying, "Hey our anniversary is coming up, and I hate to completely ignore it ... want to go out to pizza with me for a break from the stress?" Same for the gift and card. Go with something light hearted, maybe funny or with a dog on it... The goal is to be her friend right now, not "her husband" or "her lover" (although you are also those things). She has a better likelihood of responding to "JAR her friend" and then associating a happy, positive memory with you.

Okay?

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

iamnottheonlyone

JAR,
Nice job. You have such a big heart!

jar

Well I sent my wife the letter to the mediator for her to proof. It is harsh I have re written a bunch of times. I am really mad at the mediator. I asked wife to lighten it up a bit.

I also sent wife a heads up telling her I am ready to move forward on the house. I recommend we talk on the phone tomorrow for a while and begin formulating plan.

I am going to recommend that we get together weekly for dinner to discuss things and figure out to-do lists. Do you think I can use the house like a bargaining chip? Something like since I am agreeing to this even know I am uncomfortable can you go to dinner with me x number of times or read x book or do something that is important for me? Now that I have written it doesn’t sound like it would be a good idea.

For our anniversary I plan to get her a gift certificate for a massage at this spa place her and her friend like to go to. She keeps talking about how stressed she is. I plan to send it in the mail along with a funny playful card. I am also going to recommend we go get pizza and beer at the local pizza place. It is of one of these brick oven pizza joints. Something we use to do on regular bases. I am also having a small thing of flowers delivered to the house. I explained to the florist what I was looking for. Simple and elegant nothing over the top. I did request white lilies. Her favorite…with some red flower like a rose to accent things… her favorite color. I even suggested a red vase. I explained the whole situation to the florist about what we were going through she seemed to get that it couldn’t be over the top or too romantic just a nice caring thought. Our wedding was an elegant black and white wedding with red accents here and there. Hopefully I am on the right track and this will be accepted well. Let me know what you think. I can always change the order. I am sending everything in case she doesn’t want to get together. I am not expecting anything in return.

Thank you everyone for the help support and suggestions.
JAR

Affaircare

Good--excellent! This gives her the chance to soften it, to see your feelings a little, and to be doing this together with you (needed) not to just be some final stamp of approval.

Ummmmm...WHOA!! NO!! Think of it this way: you're wife is doing you a favorite to consider working with you on it as a partner. So you'd be asking her to do you a favor because she did you a favor. JAR, let me give you a reality check here. I'm not saying it would be nice, but a lot of women hit the guy with a Restraining Order, move the BF in, wipe out the bank account, run up the credit cards, call in cops and all kinds of legal hassle...and are evil and spiteful to boot! She's being civil and from what I can see, she has not liked this house for quite some time. Now...that may be some degree of fog talk but it's quite clear now that she doesn't like it. So do you, as a loving husband, want to put your wife in the position of feeling crushed and resentful? I suspect not. The way to do that is to not do what SHE wants to do (so you resent it) and not do what YOU want to do (so that she resents it) but to keep on working together until you come up with something you can both be enthusiastic about!!

Honestly I think it sounds good. It's not over the edge and if the card is more toward humorous or "nice" it sounds like just the right touch. I would also suggest that you make it clear you want nothing in return--just say it out loud: "I want to be clear about something okay? I'm not doing this because I want something...it's just because kind of for old times' sake. Let's have one night of fun." Likewise you may want to make some personal plans for you IN CASE she says no or has other plans. She *may* have realized the anniversary is in a few days and thought "I better do something to distract myself!" and made plans (like for a half gallon of ice cream, a half bottle of wine, and Bridgett Jones!). You may want to make plans for yourself so you can commemorate in a way that is true to you.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

jar

Affaircare

I know what you are saying. Thank you for reminding me how much worst off I could be. I new right after I wrote my last post that it was the wrong mode of thinking.

Tonight wife and I are supposed to talk on the phone for a while. I hope it goes well. I asked her to take it easy on me and to keep the conversation open like our talk on Saturday.

I am ok with moving forward on our home. However I have some resentment and anger today. I feel like I have lost everything that was near and dear to my heart. Wife…family…home…possessions….future plans…a pretty good life style. …It is tough to think about. I know my situation could be worst but it has been a major upheaval.

All this is happening because my wife decided she was unhappy and instead of talking to me and making me understand and doing something constructive about the situation like an adult. She decided she was more important. She justified to herself that it is ok to have an affair. Now she has decided for the both of us that it is best to sell our home. All because she is not happy. She has made it clear she is going to get out of our house weather I am on board or not. With out a thought or a care about how I would feel.

I feel like wife has thrown me under the buss and has essentially told me to give up everything so that she can be happy with out a care about me or my feelings.

The house is just another example. She has completely destroyed the life that we built up around us instead of making efforts to change our life for the better together. I am angry. I hope someday she realizes what she has done to me and what I have done for her. I don’t want to keep score here but I have essentially got nothing in return for any of my efforts. But dragged through the mud and betrayed in every way by the person I love the most and trusted the most.

Sorry to sound bitter. I woke up this way this morning. I hate feeling this way. Not how I normally am. I hope it passes soon.

JAR

turnera

{{{jar}}}

Better days ahead, man. Whichever way it turns out.

Affaircare

Jar~

It's understandable that you feel that way because it's true. You have given up a ton with not much in return right now. But now I bet you have a CRYSTAL CLEAR understanding why we say that Plan A/Carrot & Stick is for a limited amount of time: because no human being could keep that up indefinitely. We all like to say that we love our spouses "unconditionally" but the fact of the matter is that if they aren't kindling and they keep extinguishing, eventually that flame of love *does* go out.

Furthermore, I bet you REALLY understand why we say its so important to have Mutual United Understandings in everything you do with your marriage partner. Granted, I believe there is some degree of disloyal dizzyness fog going on, but your wife was not enthusiastic about the house...or at least she isn't now. It was a constant reminder to her of giving up and giving in and not really agreeing but not speaking up about it.

If you just utterly "give in" to her way, you'd resent it and eventually it has the potential to grow and destroy the marriage! So literally from this day forward, you two stick at it until both of you are enthusiastic, which in Thinker-Speak would be: "I have evaluated it from all sides and the conclusion is one likely to end in happiness and success" LOL In Feeler-Speak that would be "Oh I hadn't thought of THAT option! I *LIKE* it! I actually could DO that! Wow yes, I agree to that!"

For today, I would suggest journaling or doing a heavy workout to let out some of that pent up angry energy. I would also suggest doing some thing or activity for yourself that is caring for you and is somewhat of a "treat" or something special. The idea is to care for yourself a little and remind yourself you can have fun and joy in your life.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

jar

Tearing up pretty bad right now. Not really sure why.

Just talked to wife for about a half hour. Call went fine we were very nice and civil.

She liked my letter to mediator but felt it was too harsh she is going to send a simple we will not be back to mediation letter to mediator from us both.

Talked a lot about our dog. She wants me to take her for a long weekend the week after next I agreed to it. I imagine she has something to do that weekend doesn’t sound like she is headed to her family’s place. Maybe she and OM are doing something. Fowling weekend is a big party at her family. Another fam event I will be missing.

We talked about the house I told her I was in 110 % on it. Still uneasy and sad but in. I told her I would help get it ready to sell. Joint 50/50 deal. She went on and on about the things that needed to be done in the house. Her and her mom picked out some paint colors to paint a bathroom and bed room.

She said why do you want to be involved all the sudden. She was like this doesn’t mean that we are getting back together. I just responded I know. I told her I was angry before and needed time to cope on my own. I told her now I feel like I am basically ready the best I can be.

I have an old classic jeep that is restored. It is something that is from my childhood. She wanted to know if I was selling it. I explained no. She offered to put the cover back on for me.

She wanted to know if I made a decision on the boat. She wants out of the payment bad. I explained I hadn’t. She had to make sure I realized she wouldn’t be contributing to the winter storage fees.

We agreed to a date and time to meet with realtor. I recommended we meet and go over to-do lists plans etc some time. We also talked about a selling price which is more than our mortgage.

She made no mention of our anniversary this week.

She seems to be trying to unload the dog on me now. She is saying things like I don’t know if I will be able to have a dog in the future. Our last time we talked she was saying she would do what ever was best for the dog. I just said we would talk about that when the time comes.

She said once we get house on market and projects done we would deal with the rest of the stuff as in divorce.

She said she would be working on house this weekend and asked if I would join her. She said I didn’t have to since it is short notice.

We talked a lot about dog etc. Just general chit chat. She wanted know how I was feeling at a few points during the call. I explained I was really sad and not fully ready for this.

At one point she said I appreciate this.

About10 min after our call. She emailed mediator and realtor and also sent me this note.

Hi JAR
Thank you again for your phone call tonight, I appreciate that even though you are hesitant you are willing to work with me. So, the two colors are called colorplace.
Bedroom: Aruba Blue
Bathroom: Stingray
If you do not like those colors and have a different idea please let me know, my mom and I felt this would go best with what is already part of the house.
Also, I will drop dog off at daycare on the 27th of august which is a Friday. Please let me know ahead of time if you want her longer than the weekend so I can make sure she has enough food if not you can drop her off on Monday and I will pick her up. Just let me know before that Friday so I can get the food for you, but you don’t need to tell me now, if you want her longer and decide that over the weekend then that’s cool you will just have to get her food for her yourself.
If you are not ready to work at the house this weekend that is understandable and I appreciate your need of space. I will be doing some stuff around the house so if you want to stop by feel free; there is no pressure with this. If you are just not ready to work on the house this weekend I understand, this is hard and very emotional, since this is both of our first home.
Just let me know by Friday
Wife.

Affaircare

Hey JAR~

I'm going to post a big, long (typical) AC reply tomorrow but for tonight did you notice something?

1) She's responding to you in a way that is not hostility. She *was* pure venom seeing evil in your every move, and now she's reacting as if she feels a little better and maybe even has some hope. She invited you over and indicates some willingness to spend time together now, so take advantage of that and keep building on it.

2) She is now setting up things that you can work on as partners. The letter to the mediator was a good step--you got to "vent" and she got to be the reasonable one and soften it to a business-like tone. She's suggesting colors for painting. Do you like them? If you do, cool let her know. If you don't, cool also let her know that and invite her to go together to slightly adjust the colors so you're working together. She talking about the Realtor and you got to bring up not selling until the price exceeds the mortgage...but you're working on taking some steps together. Keep on with the teamwork as this is SUPER HUGE.

I would suggest that you tell her thank you for talking to you, thank you for opening up a little and being honest, thank you for working on this together so you are a team, and thank you for being civil. From her point of view, she's taking a risk on being hurt again. Also if you honestly can not stop over this weekend to help with projects, I do suggest at least stopping by with some lemonades (for the girls who are working hard) or something along that line.

Now Jar, I do realize you're likely feeling sad, sentimental, possibly a bit angry at losing something that was near and dear to your heart and felt important to you, but Mother Teresa said it best and I can not do better than her:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.

In my lifetime I had a 4000 sq.ft. custom-designed home with in-ground pool and a million dollar business--I was a happily married wife, good mom, successful businesswoman, president of the PTA...the whole nine yards...and in one day I lost that all to a restaurant assistant manager with four kids by four men all born out of wedlock. Do the right thing anyway.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

jar

Thank you affair care

I am feeling a bit better today. I sent wife a thank you note this morning like you recommended. I also told her the door was open and that I was willing to talk anytime.

Spa gift certificate and anniversary card are in the mail. Card is real light hearted. Flowers will be delivered to her after work tomorrow.

tamara24

Posted via Mobile Device

tamara24

Sorry, trying to figure my mobile with this thread. Good job, Jar. Useevry excuse you @can to be with her. It may seem decieving but she is hurt and the more you show her that you are not that same man that hurt her, you will have a better chance to win her back.
Posted via Mobile Device

jar

I asked wife out for pizza and beer tonight. We will see if she accepts my invitation.

Sunday I plan to head home again and help with the house.

JAR

jar

Hey Wife

Our anniversary is today and I would hate to completely ignore it. Would you like to meet me for pizza. It might be a nice break away from the stress of life.

I am thinking around 6:30

Love
JAR


JAR
I know what today is and I'm not Sure I can handle dinner out to celebrate something that I don't want anymore, plus I don't get home till almost five cuz I work till four and dog would be alone all night too.
Wife


Hey Wife

I was just thinking of it as a night out together between friends. Not a celebration. The offer is open if you change your mind. I am flexible on the time and the place.

Love
JAR

jar

Wife 10:30
I’m sorry I don’t want you to think I meant that email in a harsh way if you want to go out to eat as friends I could try to do that I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea and I am worried about dog because I would half to travel back and forth (about 30 min one way)

Jar 10:30
I am flexible with the time and place. We could meet closer to the house. Let’s keep conversation light no businesses talk tonight. How about we meet at 7 at the pizza place near our house.

Wife 10:50
Ok that is fine

Wife 12:05
Ok I am still hesitant I mean this is our weeding anniversary day if we go out tonight for me it still feels like it’s about that.

Jar 12:30
Well think it over and let me know by 5 no pressure.


It seems wife cant decided what to do. I am glad I sent card and flowers. I think she will back out.

Jar