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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-06-2010, 06:11 PM   #31 (permalink)
jar
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I am really having a tuff time today. If the wife is home she is normally signed into facebook. I know her parents were with her all weekend so I have been ok. She hasnít been signed in since noon today. That is when her parents normally leave. I am sure she is with him. It is making me anxious and sick. Just thinking about them together in bed being intimate is making want to cry. They are probably lying next to each other naked telling one anther how much they are in love. It is just making me crazy right now.

A friend of mine told me that what ever I think is going on what ever I have built up in my head is much worse than reality. I hope this is true. I keep telling myself she is at the coffee shop.

I donít know what to do to get past these feelings. I wish I had left the dog with her. Then she would have a reason to be home at night.

What I am I suppose to do to get my mind off of things when I get like this.

JAR
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Old 06-06-2010, 09:27 PM   #32 (permalink)
jar
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

So the wife just texted me

She said sorry for ruining our marriage
I do miss you and annies our dog
I do not expect you to reply

Then she face booked me and said sorry and I will leave you be
I did respond to the face book but she was already off line

I said this does not have to happen the choice is yours

Is she f&*&ing with me or what.

JAR
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Old 06-06-2010, 09:42 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

She needs you to be strong and loving right now - you love her but you cannot accept another man in the picture. She's welcome home any time, as long as she never contacts OM again. She WILL be transparent to prove to you that she can be trusted, so you can build your trust again. Just keep repeating this. It's what YOU can accept in a marriage. Her choice, but THIS is what you can accept. It makes you look stronger, and she needs that.
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Old 06-06-2010, 09:43 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

The objective of exposing at work is to separate the two people. That's all. I would not tell everyone at work. I would tell HR and ask them to separate them. If that does nothing, I would tell his boss, and mention you're looking into lawyers...i.e., who wants to be called in as a material witness in a lawsuit?

I've seen it work both ways. Some places fire the male, some places send him or her to a separate location, some do nothing. But it's an option you can use if she refuses to end the affair after you tell her family what's going on and ask them for help.
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Old 06-07-2010, 08:41 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

So the realtor just emailed my wife again waiting to set up a meeting with her.

She replied that she is really busy this week and would set something up for next week.

Just like my wife to procrastinate on this sort of thing. She does not have anything to do. Like I said in a previous post my wife isnít the type to handle this sort of thing. She canít even make reservations to our favorite restaurant or make a vet appointment for the dog.

I donít know what to make of things. I plan to open a PO Box and new bank account today.

If she proceeds with a meeting with a realtor before any kind of mediation meeting I will have to set her straight and start playing hard ball.

Well that is this morningís drama
JAR
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Old 06-07-2010, 08:59 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Lots and lots of waywards threaten to divorce, sell, whatever...because it fits in with how they 'feel' regarding their affair. They SAY they are going to do it...but something holds them back.

Most often, it's that they want to cake eat. They get some of their needs met by you, and some met by OM. That's how they feel so good.

So, you can either fight the affair and do a great Plan A (be wonderful), or you can go Plan B and remove yourself from her life and let OM meet ALL her needs - often a great way to bust an affair. Why? Because she only wants him for the 'fun' needs; you're the one who meets her 'necessity' needs. Plan B can show her what he is truly made of.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? It would help a lot to get this all in perspective.
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Old 06-07-2010, 09:27 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

turna

Thank you for the book recommendation. I picked it up tonight on the way home from work. I really think i have very little hope left in the wife. A mediator has contacted me and she has a realtor appointment set up for next week. I am working on drafting a strong worded plan b letter. I think it might be too late for us. Even if the affair was not going on I wonder if she would still want the divorce. I think she may desire a different type of life. A non married life.

Thanks
JAR
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Old 06-08-2010, 06:39 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I was thinking I was on the edge of a Plan B jump. Affaircare recommneded more Plan A. I would say the same for you.
Your recent posts suggest mixed feelings. You should not be thinking who has the upper hand here. Back off. Be nice. Talk nice. Don't push. When you push, you push her away. You do not talk divorce.
The images will fade. Stay way from the negative thoughts. There is no magic bullet. These things take time. Are you still telling her that you love her?
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Old 06-08-2010, 07:59 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Thank you for the advice. I am trying to keep my head clear and try so hard not to think of negative thoughts. I think I am done with plan A I have been mister loving supportive nice husband guy. Now it is on to plan B especially since she told me she wants a divorce and has a realtor and mediator. I think I am too late even for plan B.

This sucks I feel like I am homeless now. I am glad that work is keeping really busy so I can get my mind off of things. Opened a PO Box today. Tomorrow new checking account.

JAR
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Old 06-08-2010, 09:11 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

It does suck. But understand, you are not in a dead end. Many, many people have been where you are and turned it around. You need to reduce your stress. Read some more of these threads and spend some time responding. It ain't over by a longshot. You won't be homeless. You have plenty of support. Hang in there.
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Old 06-09-2010, 12:04 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

iamnottheonlyone

Thank you for the kind words. You are the only one telling me that there is a shred of hope at this point.

So the new checking, PO Box is open at this point. The plan B letter has been sent with no response from her. The mediator has contacted me about a mediation session. This woman is 200 an hour. Conservatively if the wife goes through with this it will cost between 3 and 5 grand. I can think of a lot of fun things I could do with that kind of money.

Is there any thing else I can do at this point other than wait and keep myself from going insane.

JAR
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Old 06-09-2010, 01:19 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Read as much as you can about relationships, affairs, etc. Knowledge is power. So are statistics.
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Old 06-10-2010, 06:24 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

hi there jar,
you have put all you can into place at this point, stick to your guns, you have told her you love her and want to work on the marriage.......
You have separated yourself at the bank and you are now taking good care of yourself......now it's up to her to make the move....
When my husband was in this position, he was free to go, all the details were taken care of.....
He always had some excuse as to why he couldn't find a place and move on with the life he was choosing.....
He over a couple of months of a good Plan A changed his mind...
We still live with the separation agreement that we had drawn up, we now have separated bank accounts, he pays me alimony, this is at my request until I feel comfortable with his commitment to our marriage............he is now okay with this, he said whatever he has to do to make it work for us.....
He is the one that had the affair.
There are no real rules for how and when, even if you separate or divorce, they way I look at it is it's never over.....any decision can be reversed at anytime......
go along with things for now, do a great Plan A and let the affair fall apart on it's own like most of them do.......
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Old 06-10-2010, 07:40 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I have post-it-notes around the house. They say: Be patient. Think positive. Take the long view.
Every day I struggle with going on with Plan A. After 6 weeks the pain is seldom overwhelming. It usually comes when something unexpected happens. But reminding myself to be patient and take the long view relieves my anxiety.
I ordered Surviving an Affair last night. Shoud have it in a couple days. Let me know what you think.
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Old 06-10-2010, 04:48 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Thanks for the advice. I have been reading surviving an affair. I have only gotten through he first chapter but it is exactly like my situation minus the kids. So far it is a good read.

Had my pay check routed to the new checking account today.

Haven’t heard from the wife at all. Makes me wonder if she received my plan b letter. I warned her in the letter that if she doesn’t cancel this meeting that I will have to get my lawyer involved. I have heard nothing about it being canceled.

She is normally on face book in the evenings after work. I haven’t seen her on face book since Sunday noon. My guess is she has not been home all week and has been at his apartment all week. Thinking of them together is driving me nuts. Trying to concentrate on my work and not this affair but it is tough. Especially since my commute home to my family’s places is 100 miles. I have a lot of time on my hands.

I wonder if she is living the dream or cracking under the pressure of life and this affair yet.

This is by far the most terrible thing I have ever gone through.

JAR
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