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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-12-2010, 05:21 PM   #61 (permalink)
jar
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

turnera

Her family many of our friends and my family knows what is going on with the affair at this point. I never did call her boss. I decided I was not willing to do this.

I really havenít broken the silence for 2 weeks now. I did email her once when I sent my plan b letter. In my plan b letter I explained to her that as long as this affair continues I am unwilling to discuses anything with her or see her unless it is with a therapist or a mediator. I also explained that if the affair is over and she can offer proof of this then I am willing to talk outside of therapy and mediation.

I am feeling really week right now. I am dying to see her and talk with her. I am dying to move back home. I really want my wife back...This is killing me...We have never gone so long with no communicationÖI feel like I made a mistake by leaving and saying that I am unwilling to talkÖI am trying to stick to my guns but it is tough.

One thing that is on my mind the past few days is this divorce. Am I being left for the other guy and a new relationship or is she so turned off by our marriage she just wants out weather there was an affair going on our not... I am really questioning this. I wish I new what she was thinking right now...

JAR
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Old 06-12-2010, 05:43 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I, too, wish you hadn't left, but you did, so just move forward, ok?

Regret is the main reason to be really sure you want to Plan B - if you DO go back to her and say you're sorry you did it, and you'll do anything she wants, just take you back...where does that get you? It gives her permission to cheat on you for the rest of your life.

Honestly, you don't want that, do you?

Sure you want her back, but not like this.

I wish I had better to say, but you can't control her, all you can do is carve a new way forward for yourself, hope she notices, and chooses you. If not, you're still carving a good way forward for yourself.
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Old 06-12-2010, 10:08 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

turnera

I am less angry today at her than I have been the past two weeks. I wish I had the strength to stay and keep working on my A plan. Her opening up to me and admitting the affair to me on her own free will was a big thing. I didnít realize this till today and of coarse I freaked out and left the next day. This was two weeks ago. I regret what I did and said to her. I just shut her down and disconnected from her. I did the thing I said I wouldnít do. I just couldnít take any more from her. I thought the affair was over for more than 2 months...I wish I could have stayed and been strong and shown her all that I have learned on here and in the books. Shown her that I understand what she is going through. She didnít start talking divorce until a few days after I left.

I texted her tonight telling her that I am think of her.

JAR
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Old 06-12-2010, 10:21 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Here's the thing: any person who experiences a spouse cheating has everyone's permission - and understanding - to leave the marriage. It is the ULTIMATE sin, regarding marriage. No one will ever judge you for walking away. I told my DH 30 years ago that that instant he ever cheated and I found out, he'd never see me again. Period.

What you do is up to you, solely.

What really matters is that you can look at yourself in the mirror every morning. Can she say that? I doubt it.
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Old 06-12-2010, 11:51 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Jar,
You need to hang in there. You need to understand that this may take time. I do feel your pain. The solution is she must face reality. Please take deep breaths and focus on things other than your wife. Get on the phone with you friends and talk about this. You will feel better. She is stalling. Stay strong.
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Old 06-13-2010, 09:51 AM   #66 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Thanks for the advice

I have been talking with many friends I also have been working a ton to get my mind off things. I am an engineer and I am heavy into a design project. So it helps for me to focus on something else as much I can. Talking with friends does help also.

I always thought if this ever happened to me I would just walk a way and cut my loses. I still am amazed at myself that I have not completely quit.

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Old 06-14-2010, 10:07 AM   #67 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Well the mediator finally got a hold of my wife. She canceled the realtor meeting today.

Tomorrow is our first mediator appointment. I am really not looking forward to going at all. I so donít want to do this.

I am going to try and be as civil as I can at this point.

I guess I am unsure of what I can do to stall things and slow things way down. In the surviving the affair book the trick is to hold out until the affair dies of natural causes. Do I move toward legal separation first? I really donít want to put the house up for sale yet and I know she will push for it. But if there is some shred of hope here. I donít want us to be homeless in the long run.

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Old 06-14-2010, 10:13 AM   #68 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Can you talk to a lawyer before you go? Just to ask if you have any options for stalling?
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Old 06-14-2010, 11:25 AM   #69 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

turnera

I am having a very hard time getting in touch with my attorney. He is a busy guy. I have called around to a few other firms but they are to busy to deal with my case in any sort of reasonable amount of time. I have also left several messages at a number of other firms and have not received a call back yet. Hopefully my attorney gets back to me today.

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Old 06-14-2010, 01:35 PM   #70 (permalink)
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I am getting nervous for tomorrows meeting. I just talked to my attorney. I found out that the state I live in doesnít even have a separation period. This divorce could be done in as little as 2 weeks assuming we donít get into an argument about who gets what.

I think I am screwed. I donít want this to happenÖI want my wife back. I should have never leftÖMaybe that would have postponed things for a little bitÖI am freaking out
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Old 06-14-2010, 01:44 PM   #71 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

What happens if you just say you won't show up for mediation?
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Old 06-14-2010, 02:13 PM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I am not sure...that would not be like me not to show.

Should I try to talk to the wife beofre the meeting. Let her know that I am nervouse and dont want to do this.
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Old 06-14-2010, 02:55 PM   #73 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

You're talking about your life! Of course you should tell her you don't want to! Why would you do something you don't want to do? Just so she'll be happy? Why? She doesn't care if YOU are happy!

Even if you already said you would go, you are ALLOWED to change your mind. Time to man up, ok?
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Old 06-14-2010, 04:38 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I will call her tonight on my way home. Tell her i do not want to do any of this. I also know I cant beg her ether. I just need to tell her what I am feeling.

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Old 06-14-2010, 09:54 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

So instead of calling I texted her tonight. Just to test the waters. I know it is not a good way to have a conversationÖIt didnít go well.



I explained that I love her and that I donít want this divorce and I donít want to go to this meeting tomorrow. I also apologized for my anger and that I regretted some of the things I said and did over the past two weeks.

She said please show up to the meeting

I responded I am just not ready

Then she told me to let her go

I said I didnít want to do this and that I donít want this divorce

I asked if we could postpone

She replied how long I need answers I said a while

She then responded you are not going to change my answer

I then said you are my wife and I am your husband and I am just not ready to face this. I donít want this

She responded that she doesnít want to be married any more and that I stated my case a 100 times.


I told her I wasnít trying to change her mind just trying to express how I feel.

I then said I donít think I can do this mediation tomorrow, I am not ready and that I may cancel

She said ok and then goodnight.

She was just so cold, not caring, or thoughtful like her old self. She was kind of mean, direct and angry with me. She was like this 2 weeks ago in our counseling session. Totally not like her at all. Especially the past two months.

I think that hope is lost on her. How can I love a woman like this so much? I feel like poop tonight..

We will see what tomorrow brings but I think I am going to cancel our mediation tomorrow. What a way to man upÖ
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