bestplayer

well I think next time ask her face to face what exactly is the reason for her asking for divorce & what makes her act mean , direct and angry with you .
You need to listen to her ridiculous excuses & if you think it is not fixable & completely bs , tell her to f* off & get rid of her because you would certainly be better off without her . So far you have handled it the best way . You can't stay with a partner who is not willing at all , begging and pleading will never work so dont even think of trying that .

iamnottheonlyone

What do you have to gain by going to the mediation? What do you gain by cancelling? You made your point with her. You could not have expected any other response. Ask your lawyer what will happen if you don't participate in the mediation at all.

iamnottheonlyone

What is the rush anyway? Does she need the money from the house?

jessi

(((hugs))))

jar

I am not sure what the rush is.

We are both the type of people to get things done and not procrastinate once we have made a decision. So I think that is what the big rush is for. I guess she just wants this to be over ASAP so she can live her life single with out being tied down. My guess is so she can continue her affair. I think that is where her cold mean attitude is coming from. She is not getting what she wants fast enough. My guess is she is also getting a bit stressed out with everything and everyone knowing and is angry about that. Also because I gave her an ultimatum lose me for ever or end the affair. I also said I was not willing to speak to her unless it was through mediator if the affair continues. She has respected this so I got to assume the affair continues.

In terms of the sale of our home. She is not happy with the community we live in. We love the house hate our town and community. So that is tying her down in a big way and contributing to her unhappiness. She wants out of her life but just cant escape. It also does not help that the housing market is really bad and we will be lucky to even sell the place. In terms of the money we will take a huge hit on the house. Money wise we have enough monthly income for one of us to rent a cheap place and live. Since I am the one that finally left looks like I will be the one renting.

In terms of begging for her back. I do know not to go there and I won’t.

The lawyer and the mediator both told me I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do and I don’t want to go to meditation today I want to postpone it.

I do here you when you say that I would be better off in some ways with out her. I do love this woman and don’t want to give up. This is not like her especially the way she is acting towards me.

I have had most everyone in my life tell me it is over especially my family. My dad says I need to go to this meeting and move on. Not really what I want to hear.

I called our marriage therapist which we are not seeing at this point and she says my wife has been pretty ambivalent through this and it seems that her mind is made up and there is nothing I can do. My therapist also says the same thing.

Why am I trying to hold on? Are what the books, affair care, and everybody on this forum talking about BS. Sorry I don’t mean to be offensive. Is it to far gone or is she getting to that angry phase that I have read about. Do I believe what she is saying? Is it the affair or does she just wants out...I don’t know at this point?

I do know that I want to slow everything way down. Our state does not require any type of separation time before they grant a divorce. Once the paper work if filed everything goes pretty quick especially since there are no kids involved.

JAR

jessi

Look she is in a deep fog right now and there might not be anything you can actually do until that fog lifts.....
You can always re-marry her if she has a dose of reality some day......
I would go No Contact and make her do the work if she is the one that wants to end things.....
Go out looking like the best guy in the world and when he life falls apart she will see you as the safe place to be....
Go on with your life and be open to what life has to offer....
Tell her that you will always be there for her if she is willing to try with your marriage again.....and that you will hold out hope that she comes to realize how much you love her and your life together.....
I'm sorry she is being mean and uncaring, she has to according to the fog rules.....
pick yourself up, brush yourself off and see what else life has to offer you........

turnera

If you research, you'll see that 99.5% of ALL waywards say this exact same phrase. I have seen it over and over and over and over again. Even with waywards who eventually give up the affair and come home; and sometimes THANK their spouse for NOT letting them go.

It's not over until YOU feel you can no longer fight for her. It's not our place to determine that, but I will posit that you have a lot more fight left in you. I will also suggest that you are a pleaser, and any time she says anything negative that makes you feel like she is disappointed in you, you CAVE and give her whatever she wants.

You really need to get beyond that reaction; it is not healthy, and probably even contributed to her pulling away from the marriage; we can't love someone we don't respect.

turnera

Her rush is that she wants to be single as fast as possible so that she can then parade her OM around and PRETEND that she just met him, as a single woman. The longer she stays married, the harder it is to pretend they aren't together, and the harder to keep her image clean.

THAT is why you expose the affair.

jar

I think all of you are right. Thank you..

I talked to a bunch of friends today and family. Everyone is urging me to go. They are telling me to go with an open mind and don’t talk deal just talk about the mediation process and what to expect and see if this is how we want to handle things.
I guess I will try that. I can always leave if I don’t like the way things are going.

Turnera

Your right a about being a pleaser. I have especially been that way lately in our relationship because all she does is tell me things she doesn’t like about me our life and or marriage. So I try to listen and address these things.



JAR

turnera

Addressing them is not the same thing as allowing her to cheat on you.

jar

I agree with you

This is just a tough position to be in and I am constantly wondering if I am handling my self correctly and wondering what do I do next.

I hope that she changes her mind about this before it is too late.

JAR

turnera

Have you tried buying her books like Surviving an Affair or His Needs Her Needs? If she really is 'still in there' and is worth saving, there is always a chance that she will recognize what has happened to her if you give her the books and she reads them.

jar

She is a big reader and has already read more than just friends and the seven principles that make marriage work. I think maybe she thinks that she is different than what is described in those books. But I am only speculating.

When I am done reading surviving the affair I will pass it along to her. Not sure she would even read that at this point.

I hope her therapist is working with her on this stuff

JAR

iamnottheonlyone

JAR,

UPS just dropped off "Surviving". I will start it tonight.
You said you were listening. My advice is not to talk in response. Right now you should not cooperate. Drag those feet.
I think my wife may be heading in the same direction. I sense she may want to show she didn't make a mistake. If she files for divorce she is showing commitment to her decision. Maybe even to her new man.
The advice from your friends I think is rooted in the fact that in their eyes your wife is "trash". Why would you want "trash"? You have a different view. You have learned much in 2 weeks. They lack wisdom and knowledge.
Go read CMF's thread. There is hope!

jar

Well I went to mediation tonight.

It was pretty emotional for me and the wife. She showed up with a list of every item in each room of the house right down to pens, spoons, and the welcome matt at the front door.

I was a bit surprised to say the least.

Basically I agreed to pay half the bills. I could tell she was bothered about my pay check and new checking account and PO Box and worried about money. I agreed to pay my half of the bills but could tell it bothered her b/c the number was not like she was use to. She is all so use to controlling the bills and the money in the house.

She got really emotional when it came to our Great Dane Annabelle. I packed her and moved her with me the day I left. The wife feels I took her from her out of anger and was really crying over this. She thinks I have just dropped the dog at my families and I am drifting around and free loading off of all my friends. She feels that she is the one that has always taken care of the dog. She actually said if you want her I am giving her to you. Can you believe this? I told her you made a decision to leave this marriage and have an affair so there for me and Annie’s left. You left us with no other choice. Plus I don’t think my wife can take care of her. She is a lot of dog to deal with.

After all of this I shut down bad and said this to the mediator. I said that I am about to get angry and say a bunch of things I don’t mean.

So that was mediation next meeting is in 2 weeks.

I must say it was nice to see the wife after 2.5 weeks. I wish I could say she gained 50lbs but she looked real good and had a new hair cut.

JAR