Some one please read and help me I am out of options
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-30-2010, 08:31 AM   #1 (permalink)
jar
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Default Some one please read and help me I am out of options

This is my first post but to donít know what else to do.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years 4 of which we have been married. We met in college she was only 18 at the time. We have grown up together. We have had a wonderful relationship and marriage. We have been very fortunate with great jobs a nice house, and wonderful positions.

Sure things havenít been prefect and mistakes were made along the way but we always got through them. I havenít been a perfect husband and she hasnít been a perfect wife. At times all kinds of things have gotten in the way of our mirage and relationship. Like school work and family.

In December I found out my wife has been having an affair with a coworker. It devastated me. I felt my wife had been in a depressive slump for a long time and we had drifted apart some. I knew they were friends and was ok with that because I trusted her. Well one thing has lead to anther and an affair has happened. They both have a love for one anther.

When I found out I found us individual counselors and marriage consoling. In the coming months from December we really had a lot of ups and downs because she wasnít letting go of the affair. We would go several weeks and she would want out of the married and then we would go anther few where she wanted back in. It was killing me.

Long story short she left for 2 weeks to live in a hotel. During that time there was very little communication. 2 weeks later she came home and sincerely told me she loved me and was jumping back in with both feet to work on things and see where things go. The affair was over. This was 2 months ago. Since then so I thought we were gaining traction and our counselors were really helping us along we were reconnecting and beginning to have fun again. We were working on things. We both made a lot of changes for one anther.

The thing that has been off is the affection she would pull away from me when we would hug or hold hands. We havenít had sex in several months and I canít even remember the last time we kissed. This bothered mea lot because we always have been affectionate towards one another but I was being patent and she had explained she was not ready for these things.

When I try and do nice things for her the things that make her feel special she feels guilty but on the same token when I donít do them it makes her feel unloved. It is an impossible dilemma. Through all this I have been really supportive and gotten mad very few time. I have continually let her know I am here and we can get through this etc. People have told me I really have gone above and beyond. I have done this because I love her deeply and donít want to loose her. I have done this is hopes of having her love me again.

Well Thursday night she dropped the bomb on me. The affair is still going strong she never stopped seeing him or talking to him. Even while I was away for business she was going behind my back. She had my full trust once again and like I said things with us really had been moving in a positive direction. I am in complete shock.

Even as she told me that the affair continues I didnít get mad. I tried to hug her and tell her we can still get through this.

She feels guilty and says I deserve a better person. One of our big issues is she feel lonely much of the time and unconnected to me. I have tried to changes this by working less and changing my hours and really just being there for her. She is a afraid to spend the next 50 years lonely and unhappy with me. She says that some times she just wishes I would go.

Friday I got mad and left. I packed my bags the dog and her things and left for my parentís house. I was emotional but explained I couldnít not be around her while this was going on. I was also hoping this would make her wake up and smell the coffee

I feel devastated and wrong and hypocritical because I said I would be the last to go and end things.

Tonight we are supposed to meet at home. I know what she is going to tell me. It is over for her. It is clear in her actions and what she says to me.

The affair has been out in the open for a while now friends family and co workers know about it.

I just donít know what to do or have any plan. 2 months ago I thought she would never come home. I have tried so hard to get her to fall in love with me and continue with this marriage. But I feel the end is near. Is there anything I can say or do? Or is it time to just let go? I guess I know the answer but Iím trying to find a small piece of hope some where in all of this. Did I do the right thing in leaving or did I make it worse. My counselor says it was the right thing and that I need to take care of me. I love this woman so much it hurts and all I want to do is love her and be there for her. It just want to take care of her and have an amazing marriage and life with her.

I am so sad this is happening
Thanks for reading
jar
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Old 05-30-2010, 10:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Quote:
Originally Posted by jar View Post
This is my first post but to donít know what else to do.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years 4 of which we have been married. We met in college she was only 18 at the time. We have grown up together. We have had a wonderful relationship and marriage. We have been very fortunate with great jobs a nice house, and wonderful positions.

Sure things havenít been prefect and mistakes were made along the way but we always got through them. I havenít been a perfect husband and she hasnít been a perfect wife. At times all kinds of things have gotten in the way of our mirage and relationship. Like school work and family.

In December I found out my wife has been having an affair with a coworker. It devastated me. I felt my wife had been in a depressive slump for a long time and we had drifted apart some. I knew they were friends and was ok with that because I trusted her. Well one thing has lead to anther and an affair has happened. They both have a love for one anther.

When I found out I found us individual counselors and marriage consoling. In the coming months from December we really had a lot of ups and downs because she wasnít letting go of the affair. We would go several weeks and she would want out of the married and then we would go anther few where she wanted back in. It was killing me.

Long story short she left for 2 weeks to live in a hotel. During that time there was very little communication. 2 weeks later she came home and sincerely told me she loved me and was jumping back in with both feet to work on things and see where things go. The affair was over. This was 2 months ago. Since then so I thought we were gaining traction and our counselors were really helping us along we were reconnecting and beginning to have fun again. We were working on things. We both made a lot of changes for one anther.

The thing that has been off is the affection she would pull away from me when we would hug or hold hands. We havenít had sex in several months and I canít even remember the last time we kissed. This bothered mea lot because we always have been affectionate towards one another but I was being patent and she had explained she was not ready for these things.

When I try and do nice things for her the things that make her feel special she feels guilty but on the same token when I donít do them it makes her feel unloved. It is an impossible dilemma. Through all this I have been really supportive and gotten mad very few time. I have continually let her know I am here and we can get through this etc. People have told me I really have gone above and beyond. I have done this because I love her deeply and donít want to loose her. I have done this is hopes of having her love me again.

Well Thursday night she dropped the bomb on me. The affair is still going strong she never stopped seeing him or talking to him. Even while I was away for business she was going behind my back. She had my full trust once again and like I said things with us really had been moving in a positive direction. I am in complete shock.

Even as she told me that the affair continues I didnít get mad. I tried to hug her and tell her we can still get through this.

She feels guilty and says I deserve a better person. One of our big issues is she feel lonely much of the time and unconnected to me. I have tried to changes this by working less and changing my hours and really just being there for her. She is a afraid to spend the next 50 years lonely and unhappy with me. She says that some times she just wishes I would go.

Friday I got mad and left. I packed my bags the dog and her things and left for my parentís house. I was emotional but explained I couldnít not be around her while this was going on. I was also hoping this would make her wake up and smell the coffee

I feel devastated and wrong and hypocritical because I said I would be the last to go and end things.

Tonight we are supposed to meet at home. I know what she is going to tell me. It is over for her. It is clear in her actions and what she says to me.

The affair has been out in the open for a while now friends family and co workers know about it.

I just donít know what to do or have any plan. 2 months ago I thought she would never come home. I have tried so hard to get her to fall in love with me and continue with this marriage. But I feel the end is near. Is there anything I can say or do? Or is it time to just let go? I guess I know the answer but Iím trying to find a small piece of hope some where in all of this. Did I do the right thing in leaving or did I make it worse. My counselor says it was the right thing and that I need to take care of me. I love this woman so much it hurts and all I want to do is love her and be there for her. It just want to take care of her and have an amazing marriage and life with her.

I am so sad this is happening
Thanks for reading
jar
my friend you have done the right thing . You trusted her but she kept lying to you . Now you need to stop being clingy & needy & tell her it is over . She can never be attracted to a man who can't stand up for himself & keep accepting her crap .

Even as she told me that the affair continues I didnít get mad. I tried to hug her and tell her we can still get through this.
so that means you are again willing to let her treat you as doormat .

She feels guilty and says I deserve a better person.
tell her to keep that crap to herself ....that is just an act

The more you beg ,plead & convince her to come back , lesser is the possibility of her coming back .
Be a man , ask her to get rid of her lover or you will get rid of her right now .

Best of luck
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

As I am in an earlier stage than you. I don't think I can give you any end game advise. Because it ain't over until its over. Bestplayer may be sounding a bit mean, but he is largely on point. Begging, pleading and convincing won't work. (The other three things not to do are panic, threaten or manipulate). It is ABSOLUTELY no surprise that she didn't quit her lover. She is an addict. He is her drug. Since you are still together she NEEDS something from you. You are giving something to her she likes. If she is talking tonight you need to JUST listen. Pay attention. Don't believe the words coming out of her mouth. She is in a fog. Don't convince. Stay on your topic. Stay calm, consistent and firm. "I love you. I am committed to our marriage".
I am only in my 5th week of separation/finding out about the affair. Many, many people, here and in person have told me not to quit. And I am not. I am making zero progress. I couldn't see she has been her way out the door for 3 or 4 years. I have been told most of these affairs will collapse within 6 months if they ride themselves out. I could be in for even a longer time of holding on. With that vision and understanding there is no magic bullet I have more patience. All of these are rollercoaster rides. All the betrayers continue or try to continue the affair. Hunker down or move on. Read my thread and see my short ride. Hurt and more hurt, that is what we get. Unlike most men, women find that can only sustain a relationship with one man. So if you can better understand how you should treat her and hang in there you have a good chance of being the last man standing.

Last edited by iamnottheonlyone; 05-30-2010 at 11:28 AM.
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Old 05-30-2010, 03:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
jar
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I think you are both right and thank you for replying.

I am leaving in a few minutes to meet up with her and I am reasonable certain I know how the conversation will go.

I know I have a bit more fight in me and know that this is going to be my finale stand. Many of my friends have given me the same advice. It is time for me to leave and be firm and concise about why. I keep telling myself that I can do this and I am prepared to detach and split everything in our life.

I keep asking my self why do I want her back after so much damaged has occurred. The only reason I can come up with is because she is my wife and I love her.

Jar
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Old 05-30-2010, 04:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Listen to what she has to say but be prepared to say your goodbyes. There is absolutely zero reason for you to stay with her after she's cheated multiple times. By staying, you're letting her know that it's OK for her to sneak around and have sex with another man because you'll always be the "good guy" at home fixing dinner and giving her a comfortable life while she comes home smelling like some other man's cologne. Get tested, find a good attorney and move on.
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Old 05-31-2010, 04:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Well I met my wife at home last night.

She didnít have much to talk about so I told her she needed to end the affair for ever. No contact and never see him again.

I apologized for my past actions and short comings and the way that I made her feel.

I told her I was no longer supporting her or speaking to her and that our counselor would now be a mediator for a divorce. I told her I was leaving. I told her end the affair or lose me for ever and that I was prepared to let her go and move on.

I was stern and lectured her. Which she does not like.

She said what about what she wants. She said I want out of the marriage. I told her I do not believe you or you would have not come home 2 months ago. I told her that I have seen you be happy and she said I have only shown you some things. I told her think about what you have said. I told her I have made things very safe and have been open to talk and work on anything and you have not allowed youíre self to let you guard down fully. I told her I have see you become more connected to me then disconnect because she was afraid of things and life going back to the way they were. Afraid to be lonely again.

She is very smart and extremely stubborn and never has been able to admit she is wrong about anything. I hope that she heard me and what I was saying and does not end things out of stubborn pride.

She even asked me to show her how to use the ridding mower because the yard had not been mowed in 2 weeks. I told her I just could not do that or take care of it. It is on you. I did say if it gets real bad call the landscaper. (This was tough to say because I take a lot of pride in my house and my lawn)

During this she shut down pretty bad I asked if she had anything to say she did not. She was crying. I asked if this one of those times I am suppose to be a mind reader or be a night in shinning armor please speak up. She said she had nothing to say. I then said good bye and left she texted me but I did not respond.

Tomorrow is our regularly scheduled therapy appointment. Should be interesting.

I read through affair care and feel I am round step 5 and 6.

Our familyís and some friends know whatís going on. I do know that co workers know what is going on and are talking about it. I am thinking of calling 2 of her closest friend and fellow coworker and ask for her help and let them know what is going on. Ask them to tell her that an affair is not ok. Ask them to support her if she ends it. Ask them to support her even if the marriage does not work out.

In the past when she has pulled away from the affair with the co worker he has become even more of a pain in the @#$. I am thinking of asking the friends to encourage her and support her if she pulls away and breaks it off and make it difficult for him to get to her.

So I guess I just sit here and wait and work on my self at this point.

JAR
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Old 06-01-2010, 02:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

I think standing your ground is the best choice here... she lied to you when she had the affair, when she said it was over and then lied again when she said it was over... It will take a long time to rebuild trust a third time, if at all possible. If you want to wait for her, that is your choice, but it will be a lonely journey while she is out f-ing this other man... which she aparently has no desire to stop.
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Old 06-01-2010, 08:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default I guess my marriage is just turning into another statistic

Well I guess my marriage is just turning into another statistic.

We met at marriage therapy tonight she stated she wanted a divorce. I again said I donít believe you. I am in denial. She again reinforced this is what she wanted. She even talked to her family about everything over the weekend and even admitted to them about the affair.

I lost my wife tonight and I am devastated. I think there is no hope left for this marriage. I would have done anything for her. It really hurts to know she doesnít have the strength or the love for me to persevere through this. It really hurts to know I cause her so much pain and unhappiness. It really hurts to know she canít picture a happy life with me. It really hurts to think she is choosing to break my heart instead of her affair partners. What bothers me is we never talked about these things in counseling. It bothers me that I am in denial about the answer to these questions.

Conversations after that got ugly and argumentative. I said many things I didnít mean. I really wish we talked about a few other things. We ended early and I guess the next step is mediation to work this divorce out

I feel like such a fool. I lost my once wonderful wife to anther man. I trusted her and was deceived again. We are going to have to sell our wonderful home our boat and many of our possessions and go or separate ways. My head is hanging low tonight really low. It is tough to image a single life and living alone.

JAR
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Old 06-01-2010, 09:16 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Jar,
You know you tried your best. She probably won't be happy in this new relationship. She is messed up. I got tattooed with "I am done with you" tonight so I know the feeling. I am not drinking or using meds. But find this forum very therapeutic. I leave the tv on when I sleep to distract me. I distract myself with thoughts of doing things I like to do.
I know my home of 25 years will be gone soon. Luckily I have my son with me. I think I will start looking around to check out the availability of another companion.
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Old 06-02-2010, 10:33 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Todayís not a good day.

I have spent some time reading post from others and there circumstances. I have read many of the articles at affair care. I have read several books on marriage. My wife has even read more than just friends. I have even read about women who go through a mid life crises when there in there late twentyís and early thirtyís.

I think I understand about affairs at this point. I am an intelligent person and so is my wife. Why canít she get past these feelings she has for me and her affair partner. If you take away some of the drama of our relationship the affair and all the stages and emotions we have been through are almost text book. Also this midlife crises stuff seems to fit. We been to counseling together and individually how come the counselors havenít been able to call her out on her feelings and emotions and gotten her through these things. They are professionals and got to know exactly what she is going through. I believe that her therapist is excellent and came well recommend. Is my wife being honest with her self? Is what she saying really her truth? Is all these post articles and research true or is it something we all think we understand because we are all trying to figure out why. I have even talked to two people that have gone through similar experiences and they ended regretting leaving after they got it through there system.

I guess I just have to get over her and deal with myself for now on.

JAR
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Old 06-02-2010, 03:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

hi there jar,
what you have to remember is she is still in the affair fog we all talk about, right now you can't convince her of anything....
let the affair play out and see what happens, most of them don't work out when real life sets in.......
You can always just tell her that if she ever finds herself in a place of regret and if you are still available you would be willing to give it another try.....
Work on being the best you can be now......take care of your health and start enjoying life as it comes to you.....
You can't change someone else you can only control what you do and think.....
Maybe it won't be a bed of roses for her and she will realize what a mess she has made of her life.....
You can always remarry .....friends of mine just did after a couple of years apart.......better than ever now.....
Life is to short to not live it......with or without her.......it can be and will be good again.....in time....
((((hugs)))))))
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Old 06-02-2010, 09:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
jar
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Well last night I sent her an email that basically said are you sure of this. She responded with a lot of excuses like the only way for us to stop hurting is to go our separate ways. I will always have one foot in and one foot out of this marriage and it is no way to live and its not fair.... blah blah blah

For me they are just excuses and not the truth. Just excuses that justify things for her. Just excuses not trusting things can be better. I am a little bitter tonight. But doing ok

A close friend and mentor of mine told me that all of the issues and problems lie within her at this point. They are deep problems that have been there her whole life issues that were there before we even met. He also told me that the part that makes you worried and scared is the way she went about things. She went about things in a dishonest way. She was dishonest with me and most of all her self. He said the only thing I can hope for is she admits her problems to herself and then works on them. Otherwise she will bring the same issues to the table again in anther relationship. He said at this point the problem is within her and not me. I found some comfort in this. I have also heard the same thing from many other people my friend just explained in a way that I understood.

Jessi your words are very kind and I know what you are saying is the truth and what I need todo. I have opened up to many people in the past few months about this and they all tell me the same thing. It is just hard to think this way when one second youíre driving home in tears and the next second you are angry.

JAR
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Old 06-03-2010, 06:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Jar,

Im really sorry for what you are going through. I agree with other posters here- its time to focus on yourself. You've done everything possible to save your marriage. You fought, when Im sure many others would have given up. Its very commendable, and you can rest knowing you tried your best.

THe hardest lesson Ive had to learn in life is- at the end of the day, people have their choices to make and will suffer the consequences of those choices. And those who loved them, have to sit back and watch. Also, I've learnt that true change needs to come from within... or else it just doesnt last.

You have some tough days ahead of you. Days when you feel things are just falling apart. Its all a part of the grieving process. When I found out my husband was cheating the entire marriage- I was devastated and couldnt function. So i'd like to pass on some advice that helped me through the tough times.

1. Get yourself some support. Surround yourself by people that care about you, and get into regular counselling.
2. Take up something you enjoy- . Its time to start that hobby you always wanted to do.
3. Be Active. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress.
3. Plan your day, set goals. there were days where I wouldnt eat and Id hours would disappear and I still have no idea where they went. So, I started setting practical goals about things I needed to that day eg eat breakfast before 10am.
4. Get out make new friends, if you are ready for that. I felt really isolated because most of our friends were mutual.... and I enjoyed just making new friends who didnt know him.
5. Dont be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time to grieve.
6. Take things a day at time. Get through one day at a time.

All the best... you are not alone.
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Old 06-03-2010, 06:30 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

Hi there Jar,

there's already been quite a lot of great advice here, so I just want to wish you the best of luck - and don't tell her you don't believe that she wants out of the marriage, just walk away.

As bestplayer said, don't be her doormat. And be a man and either walk away or tell her to stop for good.

he won't respect you for the way you're handling it, and worse still, you may not respect yourself.

Stop holding on to your need for certainty - and take a plunge and grow, give to yourself and her and end it or face the fact that your wife and you don't have the same passion you once had.

It can be rekindled though, but you'd need to step up and be more of a man. Now is your chance to.

blessings Jar
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Old 06-03-2010, 09:00 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Some one please read and help me I am out of options

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Originally Posted by wifeinlove View Post
Jar,


THe hardest lesson Ive had to learn in life is- at the end of the day, people have their choices to make and will suffer the consequences of those choices. And those who loved them, have to sit back and watch. Also, I've learnt that true change needs to come from within... or else it just doesnt last.
wifeinlove this is the hardest part for me. I have never been much of the type to sit back and watch in any aspect of my life. I know what you say is true change has to come within.
It is so hard to sit back and watch the person you love the most do this to themselves and you. I just want to help her through this but cant. She has to do it. I am just coming to terms with this. I wish it didnít have to be this way.

At this point I have left and moved myself and the dog back home to my familyís house. I never thought I would ever end up back in my childhood room. At the moment I donít have much of a plan other than I plan to have virtually no communication with her. She is the one that will have to call the mediation people and file for the divorce. I donít plan on being much of a help during this process of splitting things up it is on her to do it all if this is what she wants. I think all my faith and hope in her is just about gone at this point.

Thank you everyone for the support and the advice it is helping
Jar
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