iamnottheonlyone

This is all okay. He is facing reality. He got the stick and didn't like it. Use the carrot. All of this gives me hope. Right now I bet Notreadytoquit would like to be in your shoes. I know I would. No extinguishers tomorrow. Can you show gratitude tomorrow. That is a tough one...but try. Love bank is open!

cmf

I know..I plan on continuing what I've been doing. My kids are thrilled to see him like this again, but I do not want them hurt . He seems to be trying. He actually wanted us all to go to a baseball game tonight but the kids were worn out. It has been a long time coming ( almost 8 months) and then it happened so quickly. It really wasn't until I stopped being so emotional / angry and really looked at myself and actually realized what I had done to contribute to all this that things started to change. He made a comment to me about 4 months ago that nothing had changed( when we were supposedly working things out) and he was done. He actually was right, although I hate to admit it . I started reading about marriage and infidelity about 6 weeks ago and found this forum about 3 weeks ago. It was only then that things really did change with me and he did notice almost immediately. Of course, he is still very tied up in his mess of an affair and things may backslide, but the advice here has not been wrong once ( even though I needed to be told 100 times before I listened sometimes). You are already focusing on yourself and learning all you can, you haven't wasted all the months that I did feeling angry and sorry for myself. Thanks for the words of encouragement .

Affaircare

QTF!! (Quoted for truth)

YES, iam...you hit the nail on the head and got it dead right! YAY! Good for you! Well written!

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iamnottheonlyone

Just remember that you don't make progress everyday. He will likely go back and forth. Two steps forward, one step back. Be expecting it and ignore it.

notreadytoquit

I can't even get him to stay at home most of the day. He is taking a parenting class today, all day. Maybe he will learn something who knows. I really don't know if there is hope in my case even though I like to stay positive. Right now I feel like I have no more feelings for him at all. Nothing!

And he keeps changing his mind on the parenting plan to basically suit his schedule not looking at mine. So I think the only thing I can do right now is let the lawyer do the work(I know it will cost) and focus on my future with the child. It's just so hard to do that focusing while sitting here in CT. My mom just left today, my MIL is coming tomorrow for a week. We'll see how that visit plays out and if he spends more time at home. My H did not even say Thank You to my mom for coming and helping with the child.

Last night I did not even hear when he got home and this am he left before we got up.

cmf

Well, I should of seen this coming.....my husband was asked by my son to spend the night at his birthday sleep-over tonight. He said yes several days ago to this. Around 2 hours ago he tells me he is uncomfortable being in the house and is going home . He says he doesn't want the kids use to him being in the home.I reminded him that this was about a request by his son and he should of said No when asked. He made every excuse to leave and he did leave. He just had to get back to her. This fog has not lifted and now I dont think it will. This hurts me on a level I didn't think was possible. He just wants to be the good guy, my son will be upset in the morning and he could care less. I could have used help with all the kids here but he did not care enough to stay for one night. I dont know if I can continue with Plan A, he doesn't seem to care at all, I feel he will always return to her after getting his family time. He denied leaving because of her but yet he didn't stay . I cant keep doing this, it's been going on too long now. I am very discouraged, I really needed his help and my son just wanted time with his Dad. Time he cant spare. He made his choice- to not end his relationship.

cmf

I'm venting, I just need to calm down. I was warned this would probably happen.

finallyseewhy

cmf I am sorry I wish I could offer some 'help' but I am in almost the exact situation you are but my H isn't living with a OW but is in a serious fog. I would of never guessed the things he would of done because of this 'fog' it shocks me. I would of never thought children would be muddled in the fog but from your story and mine too I am am seeing they are. (((hugs)))

finallyseewhy

VENT it is OK!!!! I did this today too when my H was cold towards me. I don't know why I expected anything else but I did. It hurts when someone who was an amazing person turns into the evil twin.

iamnottheonlyone

Don't quit. You are an incredible person. You have shown great strength. You have inspired many. Including me. It is up and down. Back and forth. It is obvious to everyone that your spouse does not deserve you. You could lead an army. You have been tested and you are worthy. What a great and wonderful person you have become. Did you ever in your wildest dreams think you could endure this? You ARE a wonderful person. Sleep well tonight as you are deserving.

finallyseewhy

cmf

I cant even remember the last time he was an amazing person. I have to stop doing things with him and the kids- he gets the family time and then the double life /affair all in the same day and that seems to be what he wants now. He honestly can not be in this house - he lived here with us for 9 years and can not bear to spend more than an hour here. He had no intention of staying here tonight, he knew he was leaving after the kids went to bed. I feel very stupid.

finallyseewhy

cmf this is something I am really trying to figure out for myself and I keep hitting a brickwall with it. Do I let him continue to have his family and pretty much walk away? H has been and still is a great dad I have not limited his time with the kids at all and I don't really want to. Right now that is how he is holding over paying so much in child support over my head because he wants me to lower it so he can still afford to do MORE stuff with the kids. He is very use to being able to do TONS of stuff with them and now he pretty much cant. It is horrible how $$ can affect people.

cmf if I was you I would limit his time in the house if any. It seems to be toxic when he is there and he is not trying to even make an attempt to fix it. I can't really give advice lol but maybe someone else can help.

notreadytoquit

I just found out that H possibly took the parenting class together with the OW. And he was out late on Friday night.

I just don't really know what to do anymore? Any ideas?

After his class yesterday he tried to reach me like crazy while I was out with the child. I came home and he had already gone to the grocery store and got pizza for us. I did not say much last night just put the baby to sleep and went to read His Needs, Her Needs. He saw me reading it.Do you think this is the point of no return?
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iamnottheonlyone

It ain't over 'til its over. If you quit, what changes? If you don't quit you work on you. He hangs with the loser until they split. What is she thinking when he is over your place? You can't make him love you. But you can be more loveable. When the problems start with OW you will have your chance. Read chapter 1 a couple of times. The affair must end BEFORE you can be whole again. However, when things are going bad, you can make deposits in the Love Bank. You become the OW in his mind. Drag your feet!!