Why hasn't my WH filed for D?

vertigo · 06-02-2010, 10:41 PM

So my wayward husband left me for the other woman in March 09. Since then, I gave birth to our son and he has been very involved as his dad. I was letting him visit our son over at our house and he was taking him overnight one day each week (it's legal).

My WH has said he wants to divorce about 4 times in the last year. When I have told him that I think he is making a mistake and we can work things out, he admits he has doubt and doesn't want to lose me. Well this last time, in April, he told me that he doesn't want to keep hurting me anymore and thinks he needs to go through with this. I told him that if this is what he wants, I won't stand in the way but he needs to be the one to file. He was surprised when I showed him some preparations and told him that he is no longer allowed to visit S at our house; he needs to pick him up and drop him off like every other divorced parent would have to do.

So now it has been 5 weeks.....no word about divorce, no paperwork. The reason I haven't filed is because I feel confident that he is escaping through this affair, he is caught up in an addictive relationship with her, and she is bound to show her true colors!

I went online to look into the paperwork, thinking it must be time consuming or difficult (we aren't using lawyers). Turns out it can be completed within a few hours! (we already have drafted a parenting plan and financial stuff is squared away)

SO WHY HASN'T HE DONE IT YET??!! Thanks for your opinions!

827Aug · 06-03-2010, 06:21 AM

That's a good question. Perhaps things aren't so great with the other woman. And he wants to keep his options open. I've had to deal with something similar since 2006--and I've posted plenty on that bizarre stuff. My counselor says that my husband is a "Peter Pan" and that he isn't going to live in the mature responsible world. She says he isn't going to file for divorce (or do paperwork after I filed) because that is in the real world. His attitude is why bother with that cumbersome stuff when he could be out playing and having fun in Never Never Land. Not sure if this helps, but it's a thought. How does his family feel about his behavior?

plymouth71 · 06-03-2010, 07:47 AM

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Her H left her, moved in with the OW, even started a new family, all the while refusing to do the very simple paperwork to ge the divorce he said he wanted.

Seeing it happen at the time reminded me of being a kid and not doing your homework. For some, its a way to pretend its not real. Some kids persist in not doing their homework even after they've been called out on it, maybe even failing a test or an entire class. They just go on, preferring to not think about homework because its not fun.

Doing his homework for him won't teach him anything. Here's a thought, admittedly a depressing one. Get the OW on your team. Tell her you wish them all the best with their relationship and you hope he's able to commit fully to her someday but he has to divorce you in order to marry her. If she's leaning on him for a ring, he'll either put the paper work through or come running home.

Finally, a thought from Postsecret - if some woman steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him.
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brs597 · 06-03-2010, 09:30 AM

Silly but simple. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. Even after everything he has done if you file he gets to tell everyone how you left him.

vertigo · 06-03-2010, 10:00 AM

Thank you for your opinions!
Yes, I hear the whole "he doesn't want to be the bad guy" explanation a lot. BUT he IS the bad guy! Our friends and family know what he is doing, do not approve, and his family thinks he is confused.

However, the idea that he may not want to face reality makes a LOT of sense! He was happy to file for D and meanwhile, keep coming over here to our house to see S up until I go back to work in the fall....wow. He wasn't thinking of the fact that gee, it might be a little painful for me to have to see him??? I have 10% hope that maybe these last 5 weeks of him living the reality of what his life and S' life will be like if we were to be divorced will help him to see that his fantasy life isn't what he expected. And it sucks that OW gets to see S as often as WH does but I don't think she will hurt him and I don't feel threatened- S knows I am his mommy.

You see, S turns 1 in July so I was thinking of waiting until then to ask WH why he hasn't filed for D. To ask him honestly- up until now I have been using the no pressure, no discussion of our relationship strategy. Ultimatums led him to her, not me, so I saw that didn't work.

DawnD · 06-03-2010, 10:04 AM

Yeah, the only thing I can guess is that he wants you to file so he can run and say "See, she is the one who wanted this". Crappy situation for you honestly. I can't really say what I would do in that situation, one of those have to be there to know things, but can you not just ask him "hey, did you get the divorce paperwork filed yet?"

Therealbrighteyes · 06-03-2010, 04:27 PM

The more important question is why haven't you filed? He continues to be a cake eater because nobody is forcing his hand. Why would he want to rock his boat? His wife is at home taking care of his child and he is off doing God knows what with other women. Why put the power in his hands? File. Even if you don't want to file, file. All papers can be withdrawn if you want to later. Him getting served will close down his bakery. No more cake for him. Take your power back!

vertigo · 06-03-2010, 11:52 PM

Well I am waiting for my son's 1st birthday (in about 5 weeks) to inquire about what the hold up is and then I will inform him that I will file if he doesn't have the balls to do it.

I just have been waiting for various reasons like

1)I think he would have gone through with the D if I filed earlier in this year

2) HE is the one who wants out of the marriage, so HE should have to file for D!

3) it's fun to let OW feel uncomfortable- I am sure she thought I would have filed by now!

4) I thought he was having an early mid life crisis and was going to be BACK by now!

5) I am not one to make empty threats- I had to be ready to live with the consequences so I waited to be ready to file for D

You are right- the paperwork can be withdrawn. I always forget that.