Focusing a little on the other side, I'm sure everyone wants to know this.
Can anyone give their educated opinions?
Can anyone give their educated opinions?
I will say this though, I never have a problem with anyone starting a thread for the purpose of discussion. Now if Daisy is sitting back trying to get research for a book or something, no big deal to me. IMHO, this is one of the better threads we've seen in CWI for awhile. Having a mostly civil discussion sure beats watching the mob trying to dismantle someone over something he/she said or did.New here and devastated
Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - New here and devastated
I think the Betrayed Spouse should come here to learn about themselves as well.But in some cases, helping a wayward will directly help the betrayed, too. Those who want to reconcile, namely.
To answer the original question posted:
Why do people cheat?
Well the answer is complicated and highly individualized. In aggregate people cheat for many reasons. Those reasons may be justified, or justifiable or unjustified or unjustifiable.
Unless and until you are privy to what goes on behind closed doors in the marriage, you really can’t guess which one applies.
There are also differences between valid reasons, and invalid reasons for cheating. Valid reasons are facts offered as an explanation for what drove waywards to cheat.
Invalid reasons are simply excuses. They are not rooted in fact. They are either a rewriting of the marital history or silly reasons used as a way to blameshift.
However, not only waywards blameshift. After posting on this board for awhile, I see plenty of blameshifting on the part of the relationally loyal spouse, too.
There are also many posters who claim to be trying to reconcile with a Wayward who are either transferring their anger to all waywards that post here, or they are still very very angry at their own wayward spouse.
These posters appear to be continually punishing their spouse, based on their rant-filled postings.
There is a difference between consequences for negative behaviors and ongoing never-ending punishment, despite many positive changes a wayward might make.
IMO, SOME BSs here, the majority being men, appear to be extremely hateful toward any and all disloyal spouses.
They rail and lash out and call all cheaters cowards, without even knowing all the FACTS. Yet, SOME admit to staying in an unhappy marriage. Is that brave?
Some, based on postings I have seen, have, over MANY years, emotionally brow beat their wives with the threat of divorce. .... Something that would be guaranteed to make a financially dependent housewife feel very unsafe and unloved. Yet, they insist they are the brave loyal spouses.
Why because they didn't divorce and they didn't cheat.
How is it brave to want a divorce for years, but instead of leaving They stay to detain and emotionally torture their spouse?
Another scenario is the postings from men who were considering divorce for years, yet stayed in the marriage until they finally met someone else that they LUSTED after and wanted to date.
So, then, AND ONLY THEN, they finally divorce their wives to begin dating that new lust object[/.B] But somehow they feel that they did not cheat because they did not stick their penis into the woman before they divorced their wives. They simply found the chaste other women first, and then, with the other women waiting chastely in the wings, they divorced their wife.
IMO, A really brave man would have divorced and lived on his own for a few years to find himself before even dating after a divorce.
I have read posts from male BSs who go to strip clubs and get lap dances, even though their wives have said that behavior hurts them.
Then, when their wives cheat they are amazed.
They seem to be unaware or oblivious to the fact that 80 to 90 percent of women polled say that strip clubs and lap dances, which often involve touching of breasts and a women squirming on the penis of the man's pants covered lap, are both cheating.
So, the other women only squirmed on a guys lap until he squirted. But, in his mind, he's still a virgin 'cause he didn't stick it in the lap dancer, and only squirted in his pants while groping and ogling her.
I have seen men who claim viewing porn, even when their wives have REPEATEDLY told them that thy find it degrading, disrespectful and embarrassing, when their husbands view porn, and some consider it cheating....., yet these men continue to view porn.
Those same men are then outraged when their wives cheat.
I also find that women on average ARE more willing to work on their own issues after an affair, whereas men resist that.
A larger percentage of male betrayed spouses appear to develop a near neurotic obsession with relentlessly playing the victim card, and refusing to own Any responsibility for the breakdown in their marriage.
YES, There should be consequences for cheating, but some of the betrayed spouses go far beyond consequences by relentlessly punishing their wayward spouse.
IMO, these reconciliations are false and will fail because the relationally loyal spouse refuses to address their own rampant disloyalty's to their marriage vows.
Is an affair wrong. I used to think it was ALWAYS WRONG.
But after reading posts here from angry aggressive relentlessly unforgiving stubborn, mostly male, betrayed spouses who are still punishing and berating their wives, while still refusing to accept any responsibility for the break down of the marriage. I think, YES, SOME AFFAIRS ARE JUSTIFIED.
IT is not my recommendation to cheat, because the cheater risks losing their marriage.
But in the end, if a relationally loyal spouse refuses to address issues, or is stubborn about owning any issues, the other spouse has repeatedly discussed, then there is not much of a marriage to begin with. It’s a dictatorship run by the RELATIONALLY loyal spouse. A relationally only loyal spouse who sees himself as superior because he is physically loyal while being disloyal in a myriad of other ways.
Disloyalty and disrespect in a marriage can take many forms, yet SOME betrayed spouses stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that fact.
Why is cheating called "cheating?
It's called cheating because the cheating spouse is TAKING something from the marriage.
They are cheating the loyal spouse out of time, emotional energy, and financial resources among other things.
A spouse can be cheated out of those thing just as easily by a lap dance, or obsessive use of video games, or too many men's night's out, or strip clubs, etc.
People need to acknowledge that, IMO.
QuiteGo right ahead, but pack your bags first. Then it wont be cheating at all. Get it?
Actually that is inaccurate. It fixed my marriage. Without it, I would have had to divorce my wife.It's a tough lesson to have to learn the hard way... that an affair doesn't fix a broken marriage.
It's very accurate, the thing that 'fixes' the marriage isn't the affair.. it's the honesty and accountability. The A can force those things, but it's not the cure.Actually that is inaccurate. It fixed my marriage. Without it, I would have had to divorce my wife.