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So why do cheaters cheat?

23K views 270 replies 47 participants last post by  calvin 
#1 ·
Focusing a little on the other side, I'm sure everyone wants to know this.

Can anyone give their educated opinions?
 
#2 ·
I would assume that most of us, in this forum are not cheaters and thus, can only speculate? I know that my brother in law, cheated on my sister, purely because he had opportunity, combined with the mentality of a teenager. Unfortunately, my sister did not D his ass and will suffer the same fate again in the near future. That being said, from what I understand, most men cheat due to opportunity and lust, while most women cheat for attention.
 
#14 ·
No one is a cheater until he/she cheats. A person who considers him/herself morally pure can be vulnerable to temptation too when the situation arises, thinking "well, it's different for me, I have good reasons." I think there are people who can probably be defined as "cheaters" by nature, but I don't think all people who ever have an affair fall into this category. Not justifying it, just saying that a lot of people fail to follow their values at some point.
 
#3 ·
Maybe from this thread, we can get close to a definitive list of why cheaters cheat.

I'll contribute:

1. Exit affair. they already checked out of the marriage / relationship. My exH had one of these. I found out later on that over the 2 year separation, he met someone else and married her after our divorce completed.

I have no sympathy for his Exit Affair Partner since our society reminds us that YOUNGER Women are all the rage!

2. Poor boundaries: We're told these days that it's hip to have opposite sex friends (OSFs) these days. With so many options for the types of relationships that we can have with others, some of us forget the kind of rules / boundaries to keep them that way.

3. My FT partner gives me 80% or more of what I am looking for in a relationship............ so I am looking for that other ?% elsewhere.

I think I was in this kind of relationship with my fiance until I put a lid on it. He outed himself once by asking me "if we go to that heavy metal music festival, are you going to watch every band with me or are you going to go sightseeing in the area?" So I guess his just a friend ex actually sits through every concert.
 
#69 ·
1. Exit affair. They have already checked out of the marriage/ relationship.
I would greatly surmise that the "exit affair" is exactly what my cheating, skanky XW's modus operandi was with me.

A sudden loss of affection, coupled with her clandestine, out-of-town, two-pronged affairs with men from her distant past, all while she was still domiciled with me.
 
#6 ·
Angry at their spouse and are so passive-aggressive that they'd rather cheat to get back at their spouse, for whatever it was, than have a conversation.

So selfish and entitled that they want to and don't think it's any of their partner's business if they just want to go out and get a little strange.

Desperate for the ego-stroke of all that fawning attention from their affair partner.

Really crappy boundaries.

And those are just what was going on with my cheating spouse. I'm sure there are other reasons. But all the reasons in the world pretty much boil down to this: wanted to and could.
 
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#7 ·
I think there is an element of some people who feel that even their partners cannot tell them what to do and how to live. It usually manifest itself with that person doing some or every thing opposite of what the other has asked for.

It's strange that therapists don't understand this. All they ask is "did you make yourself clear" and when you say yes, they have nothing more in their toolkit to help you.
 
#8 ·
I don't think you will ever be able to get a educated point of view on this. The truth is who really knows why they did what they did. There are so many excuses that just baffle my mind.

I think my favorite line that I heard is "I made a mistake. or It was on accident" I think the only person that made the mistake was the Betrayed spouse for trusting a looser. People that cheat can claim what ever they want but in truth and it society and our culture regardless how popular it is now people will always think less of them and they will never over come that. Just like a thief once a thief always a thief.

I can only say I am sure from reading post on here that there are at least a few people that are remorseful and are trying to be better people. Its probably the only good in all this bad.

When you figure this out let me know. As of now I consider myself uneducated and I am not sure I will ever learn or understand the logic.

Clay
 
#12 · (Edited)
I posted above earlier. I had an ea, recently, and it was the biggest mistake i have ever made. I posted a longer version of what happened on another thread. I certainly take total responsibility for screwing up horribly, but i thought i could offer a little insight, if anyone wants it. Obviously every cheater is different. For me, i had a husband who avoided intimacy, emotional and physical, for at least 7 or 8 years of our marriage, by playing thousands of hours of video games that he concealed, saying he was working on his computer in his office. I talked to him many times about how bad things were, but we couldn't reconnect emotionally.
I reached a low point of loneliness and desperation, and when i got a little attention and interest from other people, got sucked in, knowing how wrong it was, but without the willpower to stop it. It felt too good to be noticed, even in such a dysfunctional way. Now, 6 weeks after confessing to husband, i am dealing with the fallout, much worse than i ever imagined. I shut down all contact with om the day i confessed, closed the email account, started therapy, and started a sex addicts 12 step group, both to help me and to demonstrate my willingness to make amends. It's a nightmare. I'm sure i'll get some angry feedback, but i wanted to post what was going on in my head at the tome, in case it's informative for anyone else.
 
#19 ·
Yeah...I've been there too.

Tried talking...got shut out. Maybe your expectations were a bit high...but maybe his 'output' was minimal as well.

Conversations help...but only if he is willing to put down the damn controller and start talking too. Too many BS look at your Fall as an excuse to avoid ANY repair to the damage they caused a relationship.

Good luck. I know it's hard.
 
#13 ·
People are selfish and don't think about their actions impact on others. On top of that, it is very easy to have the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. And to make matters worse, married life, especially with kids, can be very stressful.

What it creates is an environment where it becomes all too easy to have someone new and exciting come in and create a chemical high that allows for escaping currently uninteresting marriages.

These people don't think about the consequences of their actions, or that they had these feelings with their first partner, or that their new partners will have challenges of their own and eventually get to the same stage.

It doesn't help that we're all biologically wired to want to reproduce.
 
#15 ·
Because they don't know how to communicate how they feel.

Don't you think if your spouse told you I am unhappy or falling out of love with you that you would have done something about it ?..

How does someone just fall out of love with someone after 19 years ( my situation ).. This just isn't something that happens overnight..

Instead of looking at the big picture they just eventually check out.. They look to protect themselves and their feelings at the sacrifice of others.. There are some real emotional issues going on that probably only seeking good professional help would help fix this..

You will get tons of because they can, but in the end we all know something fell apart somewhere.. They just lacked the tools to express they needed help..

It does not justify the affair by any means..

But as you can see by several people here once the affair is exposed they sometimes realize giant error and work very hard to fix the marriage.. They are now confronted with the problem and now have to address it or not..

But trust me not addressing the problem will not make the problem go away.. These people will always have these issues. But now that this has happened it will just accelerate the problem even faster.. What might have taken 19 years with me will now happen in several years with my STBXW new relationship..

Cheaters have a skewed thought on relationships and what they need. I mean really lets think about this.. In your 20s you were looking for that hot body or well put together person.. But as you get older you realize that its not about looks or even money but the person inside..

What is exactly this LOVE that people are looking for ? I think over time it changes.. It sure isn't the same for me as when I got married.. My children changed that also for me..

Who knows maybe cheaters are looking for that spark and excitement of when you first met..

Sorry Grow the fvck up.. Life isn't about being the same its about change..
 
#20 ·
I suppose it's worth it to them, despite the risks, to feel alive again, or desired, or a connection with someone. Things may even be otherwise good in the marriage - but either something is lacking, or isn't sufficient, and they either can't get it at home, or have tried and been refused.
 
#22 ·
To be a cheater, one has to be selfish, impatient, and/or want the easy way out.

Yeah, so the sex has died down. If it bothers you so much then one has to have the tough discussions. It is hard to tell someone that you are starting to lose interest or that you are unhappy with that aspect of the relationship. If after voicing your concerns, you are not happy with it still then move on.

Prior to my current marriage, I was ever so tempted to cheat on the first wife. I never did but the temptation was in the front of my mind. I was comfortable in my life but had no love for her. I was tempted to be cowardly and not tell her that I was done with the marriage. I did not want to be the bad guy. She was content. I had checked out years before. At work, I had someone who was incredibly attractive waiting for me. Finally, I just came forward and said that I was filing for divorce. It was not that I loved her still but I just did not want to be the one to deal the crushing blow. I could have easily been cowardly and got with the boss lady at work. In short, If I was a cheater I would have been impatient and been scared to face the reality at home.
 
#24 ·
They are to weak to leave an abusive marriage so they go off and find a bandaid. Even though the deciet is painful for the waywrard its alot less painful then dealing with an abusive marriage by leaving it.
But soon enough the pain of the deciet goes away and they have a second life that full fills them and continue the unhealthy way of life while they stop facing the reality of why they are doing something they never thought they would be doing in the first place.
 
#30 ·
Or how about this one....

The cheater has everything a big house lots or memberships and several cars to choose from to go shopping on a daily bases.

A life style they grew up with and in this life style ther are or never have been any consequences for bad behavior cuz money always seemed to make the consequences go away.

So now a wayward spouse diserves to be happy and has a right to be happy and if that involves cheat well then what the betrayed doesn;t know won;t hurt them.

One can say the waywards is entitled to have there own toys, its their own business and beside what consequence could it possibly have if the affair is only for their own needs...who cares about others...its me me me!
 
#35 ·
Cheating isn't a solution, but blind monogamy isn't much better. We expect - urealistically - our spouse to provide for all our emotional and sexual needs. Often, they do not. On the other hand, we can and often go elsewhere for any other need - from a cooked meal at a restaurant or friend's house occasionally, to bringing in a yard service or house cleaner. Sometimes it's a need, and sometimes for variety or recreation. We have networks of services and friends - why can't that extend to lovers?
 
#40 ·
Cheating isn't a solution, but blind monogamy isn't much better. We expect - urealistically - our spouse to provide for all our emotional and sexual needs. Often, they do not. On the other hand, we can and often go elsewhere for any other need - from a cooked meal at a restaurant or friend's house occasionally, to bringing in a yard service or house cleaner. Sometimes it's a need, and sometimes for variety or recreation. We have networks of services and friends - why can't that extend to lovers?
Wow.

Just. Wow.
I think many people are going to jump on Married's statement as justification for cheating, but I don't think it needs to be interpreted that way. His questions makes sense in theory, in a world without jealousy and serial monogamy. I personally think its okay to decide have 'variety' and other 'lovers' with express consent and mutual agreement between spouses but they're driving nails in the coffin.

It's easy to see that 'open' sexual relationships are playing with very hot fire, for many reasons. Almost without fail someone ends up doing something secretly. Of all the open marriages I've personally known about, the longest disintegrated about two years after becoming 'open'. Only one 'open' marriage I know of has survived and it is because the W decided she wanted monogamy and the husband complied.

The problem for most of us here is that our spouses decided an open marriage was a good idea as long as we didn't know it was open.
 
#38 ·
Of reasons to cheat, I think the only constant you'll find is 'selfishness'. Even if a cheater feels like they're 'helping' their lover and being unselfish (a lot of WH claim a White Knight thing, 'She needed me' etc.) they're still making themselves feel better- and putting themselves before the 'pair' that should be considered in a true marriage/partnership.

After selfishness you have a wide menu of reasons including biology and lust, status, peer group expectation, experimentation, boredom, revenge, entitlement, escapism, fantasy fulfillment, mirroring other's behavior, and psychological damage.

Some of those can be rolled into each other of course, that's just a partial list I made up.
 
#43 ·
Broken? Definitely. Damaged? No question. Was an ea a lousy way of coping with a mediocre marriage? Absolutely. But people are complicated, as are marriages of 20 years; it doesn't seem so odd to me that a person can sometimes love, sometimes hate their spouse, and can have mixed feelings about whether to stay in or leave a marriage that has it's ups and downs. I never wanted to leave the marriage, but I was always alone, for years, because of all of his preoccupations. The final bad deed was mine, definitely, but both of us contributed to making the marriage so bad tht we both checked out.
 
#58 ·
But I don't get this (probably the wrong thread) but I'll be brief
how do you go for 20 years becoming alone in a marriage and not end it!?!? How?

If I felt that I'd finish it and leave and that would be it. It would hurt of course but at least there would be some respect at the end of it for you both - the moment you set foot outside of that you end all respect, open up a chasm of bitterness hatred and anger that will be forever present

It's so fking obvious (excuse my language but this really gets me this bit.

You are so unhappy and alone and all communication has gone - effectively the marriage is dead

You say you were alone for YEARS

SO LEAVE don't CHEAT
 
#47 ·
Separate the reasons for a troubled marriage from the act of infidelity.
Both parties contribute 50/50 to a troubled marriage.
Infidelity is 100% on the WS.
Lots of couples live with a troubled marriage and don't cheat.
 
#48 ·
I have never cheated on my SO but I have been cheated on a few times. From my experiences, the cheaters that were in my life were very self entitled with an "I am better than you" type of attitude. Most had a very outgoing personalities and thrived on attention of the opposite sex. They all seemed to believe that their happiness and satisfaction was more important than mine. They were all very good at justifying and blame shifting. I always left feeling that they were right and the reason why they cheated was my fault. And what I learned was that they were right to a degree. I was an enabler. I let them cheat by not establishing and following through with solid boundary's. I am a quick learner and the SO's that cheated on me in my past are off destroying other peoples lives, not mine.
 
#57 ·
That's some cheaters, not all cheaters. I am pretty much the opposite of what you described there (I'm introverted, place others before myself, etc), though I did require a lot of external validation and had poor boundaries. I also don't think I'm better than my partner - I think she's better than me, and I always have. My partner unwittingly enabled me because she was too afraid she would lose me if she held firm to her boundaries. But a wayward doesn't have to become someone who goes off to destroy the lives of other people - he or she can come back from that edge and R with their original partner, becoming a better, more complete person in the process. I am grateful for the opportunity to address the damage I did to my partner, and grateful for every day that we can work on healing our love and our relationship.
 
#51 ·
Horses for courses. Always done for much the same reason with variations on a theme.

The question is asked because we never get the damn truth and are forced to search for answers - the search is endless because the nature of the fallout forces the betrayed to relive and continue searching - ultimate truth is out there, somewhere. You will always be a victim even when you don't want to be.

The betrayers often don't know exactly why or are so used to bullshi**ing us that the goalposts keep moving or, in my case, just about removed completely. So I am left to seek "answers" on TAM (which is partly code for a safe haven to meander in my pain, air my grievances and get my arse kicked)
 
#59 ·
Folks, when you bring a third party into the house you are asking for trouble. It's one thing to have a long fu**ed up relationship but when you bring in the third party there is hell to pay.

A third party is guaranteed to make someone really feel second rate.

When that special place is shared with a third party watch out!
 
#61 ·
[Ok. I will challenge your husband. Why the hell would you cheat on your wife with computer games? If, indeed, that eas what you were doing...]


He was ignoring me in favor of video games because he had some major career setbacks, and used games as a stress relief, I guess, then became obsessed with them, staying up half the night and coming to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning.
the ea is, indeed, what i was doing, if you are implying anything else. I never met the OM or had any intention to. It was a sort of psychological crisis.
And, for the record, my husband is blaming himself almost as much as he blames me, that he realizes how isolating he was. I've actually been trying to get him to blame me more, because obviously the infidelity was mine. he is actually treating the video game thing almost as an addiction, avoiding it like the plague and we are spending those hours every day talking and talking things out. First time we've had a marriage in about 8 years.
 
#64 ·
Ok. I will challenge your husband. Why the hell would you cheat on your wife with computer games? If, indeed, that eas what you were doing...


He was ignoring me in favor of video games because he had some major career setbacks, and used games as a stress relief, I guess, then became obsessed with them, staying up half the night and coming to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning.
the ea is, indeed, what i was doing, if you are implying anything else. I never met the OM or had any intention to. It was a sort of psychological crisis.
And, for the record, my husband is blaming himself almost as much as he blames me, that he realizes how isolating he was. I've actually been trying to get him to blame me more, because obviously the infidelity was mine. he is actually treating the video game thing almost as an addiction, avoiding it like the plague and we are spending those hours every day talking and talking things out. First time we've had a marriage in about 8 years.
I think it's healthy that despite your husbands pain, he acknowledges that his decisions caused major problems in the marriage. Yes, you clearly made a stupid decision. Should have never happened. But the two of you can salvage something good out of evil. You both need to own your mistakes and poor choices. Keep taking through things and learn how to communicate - and listen - more effectively and I think the two of you can build a marriage even stronger and more special than you had before the spiral the two of you went down.
 
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