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They're "just friends"

59K views 304 replies 63 participants last post by  mtn.lioness 
#1 ·
I've been poking around the site for the last week or so.

My husband has come back from a 3 month training. He's now home. He met a "friend" during that time and was constantly talking with her, in person, over the phone or texting. He admits he's at fault and that he should have spent that time and energy on me, but he choose not to. While fighting during the first 2 days of his return, he has chosen to continue to talk to her, telling me that he will continue and there's nothing I can do.

He now openly texts her, smiles, and turned the volume up on his key strokes and incoming/outgoing notifications. It was on silence before. It hurts. He continues to say "their just friends." She is married with kids, one as young as 7 months old. I had contacted her husband to let him know, he must be in denial or simply doesn't care or perhaps they have a relationship that allows this sort of thing. My husband said he approached him and took him outside to talk, she joined them and they all understand now whats going on.

My husband admitted that the relationship was/is inappropriate in one minute, then insists they're friends and he's not going to stop talking to her. She's even sending him pictures of herself. Her husband responded to my email, stating its my 'crazy-minded' idea that this is more. The sheer amount of time and dedication these two have with one another...

My husband wants a divorce, but while talking yesterday I said we should wait 3 months to see if anything changes. He agreed to that. And insists on holding me. He spent over an hour holding me and telling me he loves me. I was an idiot and thought we were making progress and I went to kiss him. He pulled away from me and said he's not "ready."

That hurt. I asked him to leave, get out of my bed and my room. He did, 5 minutes later he came back. He pulled my kids into the room to have them listen to an audiobook and snuggle in the bed. The kids were so happy and we all ended up falling asleep. I woke to find my kids in their beds and he was holding me again. Throughout the night I tried to roll over to give space, he was right there and didn't let me go. It was nice and I fell asleep after each attempt. But it got to be 6am and I was awake and hurt. I asked him to stop trying to hold me. He asked if he should go in the "other room" (all of his stuff from the training is in the guest room, where he's been) I said yes.

Its too hard and he's giving me mixed messages. Its really causing me to be depressed and anxious.
 
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#37 · (Edited)
Get the VERY best lawyer you can - WS will try & get money from you in the settlement & sounds as if he has a nasty streak.

So what is he going to do - move in with OW and her children including her 7 month old baby????? & have her support him??? And what does her husband think now?????
OW may be getting more than she bargained for!

I have a very strong feeling he will be back begging you to take him back - for financial reasons & when OW realises just what she has got.

Prepare yourself. You would want to think long & hard to take back such a cruel arrogant man - the way he texted her & turned his volume up on the phone so you could hear it was sick & vindictive. Then he wanted you to cuddle up to him in bed? Playing good guy, bad guy which is crazy-making for you & exactly the way abusive people behave.

I'm SO sorry you are being put through this.

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#98 · (Edited)
I have a very strong feeling he will be back begging you to take him back - for financial reasons & when OW realises just what she has got.

Prepare yourself. You would want to think long & hard to take back such a cruel arrogant man - the way he texted her & turned his volume up on the phone so you could hear it was sick & vindictive. Then he wanted you to cuddle up to him in bed? Playing good guy, bad guy which is crazy-making for you & exactly the way abusive people behave.
Posted via Topify using iPhone/iPad
Just reiterating what I posted a few pages back.

It will take a while for you to adjust to him not being around. That's COMPLETELY NORMAL so don't start beating yourself up about it. Have patience and it will fade away in time. Print out some of their texts and put them up high on your fridge door where the kids can't read them to keep reminding yourself :mad: - similar to the sticker on the phone another poster suggested.

At least he was around to help you when they your kids were babies and you weren't on your own through that busy time. Your kids are older now and kids adjust quickly. You don't want this POSWH as a father figure! You are still young enough to make a good life for yourself. Thank goodness unlike many BS you have a great job and can support yourself.

OW has actually done you a favour. You could have spent your whole life with this turkey. He can't support himself, he has an STD and he overnight got infatuated with someone and started thinking about D immediately. Tell OW you're giving him to her as a Christmas present and that she's welcome to him.:noel:

BTW I greatly admire greatly the way you are handling this. Go girl! :smthumbup:I wish I had been as resolute with my turkey. :D
 
#43 ·
Sorry, I did not understand. You said they were both cops. Did you mean your WH and OW or OW and her husband?

Is your husband a policeman who has been on a course to give him better employment opportunities? You should get all money you shelled out back from him.

Seven month? He lied out of his azz to you. This guy is shoe scrappings... sorry TAM does not allow name calling, but couldn't help but agree with the description. He is a weak character. I think he had sex with her. Maybe she put handcuffs on him or something and he has lost his mind.
 
#47 ·
My stbxh and the OW went through the police academy together.

Thats the training he was in for the last 3 months.

He begins his assignment on the 18th.

We've been working towards this for years. We just married in March. We've been together going on 4 years.

I believe they had sex, too.
 
#58 · (Edited)
He was "honest" during some parts of our conversation...and we had talked openly, when I thought things were getting better. I asked if he was happy before he left, he said he was. That it happened so quickly for him, he didn't know he fell for her until he was infatuated. Then he recanted.

This is so difficult... but its best. It really is. He isn't a cop yet. And his assignment isn't technically a cop...but he had to go into the academy... he has been assigned to a remote location where there are no cities; he'll be a security officer. He has an 18 month contract to fulfill and then he could pursue another position in an actual police force. But he'll have to go through another training to get something... until then...idk. She's already a cop and planning on moving to colorado. Apparently she's traveling there than; this is where her husband is from.
 
#63 ·
I suspect.........




A lot of that kind of activity recently....or maybe I am just noticing more.

.
 
#70 · (Edited)
made an appt for the clinic and they were able to get me in today... good thing I went in... they had "concerns" with my sample... gave me treatments of antibiotics, 4 monster pills and a shot in the ass. I've taken my rings off. Enough is enough!!!

I came home and flipped through the mail that I set aside for him. The letter was opened and he looked thru all of it. I found a bill from the hospital where he was at. Guess what. He also got treatments and he told me NOTHING. I'm livid!

When I was at my appt they had me fill out an inventory of my sexual partners. Guess what!?! There was just ONE person on there.

Gross. Just disgusting!
 
#76 ·
I think my husband did...from what the message stated. I don't understand her agenda. Make me jealous? Make me get mad and contact him? Show he's moved on? I've experienced all of these feelings and realizations. I wonder if she's become obsessed with the drama of him ending his marriage for her. She had engaged with me, then turned it around and asked me leave her alone while asking me a question. I learned, not as quick as I typically would had it not been my husbands mistress... that she was baiting me or something... I honestly don't know. He's been immature and I see that they are on the same page about things. I'm not responding. My response was to block her.
 
#77 ·
good for you, you don't need a crazy drama queen in your life, I wonder how will be the OW's husband when he realize that you were right all the time, well it really does not matter probably even if he had believed you the result had been the same, for what I see your husband and wacko woman are in their own fantasy world.
 
#79 ·
I am human, it would be nice if the OWH said thanks or you were right, but the likelihood isn't good. I just don't know where he's at with that. The way my husband, stbxh, asked why... it was almost like he wanted me to protect him...them? No. this is inappropriate and OWH has a right to know that his marriage is in trouble just as I would have wanted to know.

Stbxh & OW are delusional and I did feel something, like validation, when stbxh revealed that OWH did look at the pictures.

I won't be contacting him again, due to his clear message that he wants to slap a harassment order on me should I contact him again. But he should get checked out; for his health. I hope he figures it out.
 
#78 ·
Its past midnight where I am and I got a strange call. Due to my job, I answer calls for emergencies; I don't get many so when they ring its for something urgent. It was the husband. Sounding sad. Wondering why I sent those pictures of the texts to the OWH. I said, "He has a right to know."

I believe the shhhh has hit the fan in their house... I'm glad I exposed them and I'm glad the OWH is doing with the information as he wants.

Its technically past midnight and its technically now been 8 months since we got married.
 
#81 ·
Cheaters ARE delusional. It's called affair fog - turns them into aliens, drug addicts. Exposure is good for attempting to shatter that fog; not always successful, but MUCH better than you hiding out in false shame (HE should be feeling the shame, not YOU). You should get mad and STAY mad. How DARE he con you like this? I hope you told his parents/siblings too.

As for your 5 year old, stbx hasn't been around that long, I think it's best to now just try to move on and pull the bandaid off and remove him from your kids' lives.

How come you can't get an annulment? Legal?
 
#85 ·
The state I live in doesn't do annulments unless it was a marriage under duress or something...

Then my daughter, my youngest, 5 yrs old, was crying saying she wanted to say goodnight to him... I don't want to call him. What do I do?

Teach her to use the telephone if she doesn't already know how. Dial the number for her and hand her the phone. I don't think you should ever stop you child from calling her dad, but you don't have to speak to him.

Limit your conversations with him to finances and kids and only what needs to be discussed. When she calls him, you don't have to stay on the phone to tell him she wants to talk to him. Just let her be on the line when he picks up and they can have their conversation.
It's not her dad. It's the guy lioness has been married to for 7 months.
He has been in her life since she was 1 years old. He is the only "dad" she knows. We had waited to get married because I took things slow, wanted to make sure this was "it" for me. He had demonstrated his love for us as a family...showed stability, financial responsibility and commitment; he asked my dad for blessings on our engagement. My dad took him aside on our wedding day and stated that he felt he was responsible for my children and me; he asked him if he was ready, prepared and committed to being not just a husband and father, but also a protector, provider and to cherish us. My stbxh shook his hand and promised him he would.

My dad reminded him of that promise when he spoke to him this last Saturday.

This entire thing has shocked both of our families, friends and of course.. my girls and me.

But he's young... I should have known better...
 
#82 ·
Just realize as well that the chances of them working out in the long term are very slim. About a 3% chance that relationships that start as affairs ever work out. They are extremely high risk relationships.

Do not contact her H again...you did your part. If he wants to live with a cheater than by all means let him.
 
#83 ·
Then my daughter, my youngest, 5 yrs old, was crying saying she wanted to say goodnight to him... I don't want to call him. What do I do?

Teach her to use the telephone if she doesn't already know how. Dial the number for her and hand her the phone. I don't think you should ever stop you child from calling her dad, but you don't have to speak to him.

Limit your conversations with him to finances and kids and only what needs to be discussed. When she calls him, you don't have to stay on the phone to tell him she wants to talk to him. Just let her be on the line when he picks up and they can have their conversation.
 
#93 ·
don't fall in his game, he maybe is playing victim as if is to hard for him to end everything, but then again, his actions speak otherwise, be strict with yourself with 180, maybe in the future he will try to come back to you, but right now your concerns must be your kids and his behaviour is not healthy for you or for them.
 
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