Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

They're "just friends"

59K views 304 replies 63 participants last post by  mtn.lioness 
#1 ·
I've been poking around the site for the last week or so.

My husband has come back from a 3 month training. He's now home. He met a "friend" during that time and was constantly talking with her, in person, over the phone or texting. He admits he's at fault and that he should have spent that time and energy on me, but he choose not to. While fighting during the first 2 days of his return, he has chosen to continue to talk to her, telling me that he will continue and there's nothing I can do.

He now openly texts her, smiles, and turned the volume up on his key strokes and incoming/outgoing notifications. It was on silence before. It hurts. He continues to say "their just friends." She is married with kids, one as young as 7 months old. I had contacted her husband to let him know, he must be in denial or simply doesn't care or perhaps they have a relationship that allows this sort of thing. My husband said he approached him and took him outside to talk, she joined them and they all understand now whats going on.

My husband admitted that the relationship was/is inappropriate in one minute, then insists they're friends and he's not going to stop talking to her. She's even sending him pictures of herself. Her husband responded to my email, stating its my 'crazy-minded' idea that this is more. The sheer amount of time and dedication these two have with one another...

My husband wants a divorce, but while talking yesterday I said we should wait 3 months to see if anything changes. He agreed to that. And insists on holding me. He spent over an hour holding me and telling me he loves me. I was an idiot and thought we were making progress and I went to kiss him. He pulled away from me and said he's not "ready."

That hurt. I asked him to leave, get out of my bed and my room. He did, 5 minutes later he came back. He pulled my kids into the room to have them listen to an audiobook and snuggle in the bed. The kids were so happy and we all ended up falling asleep. I woke to find my kids in their beds and he was holding me again. Throughout the night I tried to roll over to give space, he was right there and didn't let me go. It was nice and I fell asleep after each attempt. But it got to be 6am and I was awake and hurt. I asked him to stop trying to hold me. He asked if he should go in the "other room" (all of his stuff from the training is in the guest room, where he's been) I said yes.

Its too hard and he's giving me mixed messages. Its really causing me to be depressed and anxious.
 
See less See more
#3 ·
"My husband wants a divorce, but while talking yesterday I said we should wait 3 months to see if anything changes. He agreed to that. And insists on holding me. He spent over an hour holding me and telling me he loves me. I was an idiot and thought we were making progress and I went to kiss him. He pulled away from me and said he's not "ready."

This is called cake eating, he wants you there in case the OW is not willing to give up her marriage.

read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
 
#4 ·
My husband wants a divorce, but while talking yesterday I said we should wait 3 months to see if anything changes. He agreed to that. And insists on holding me. He spent over an hour holding me and telling me he loves me. I was an idiot and thought we were making progress and I went to kiss him. He pulled away from me and said he's not "ready."
Give him is wish, divorce him, hire a Shark and make him miserable. I'm sure you have more self respect than to put up with that crap. He sounds like "shoe scrapings" to me.
 
#5 ·
Thanks... I have said the exact expression: he wants his cake and eat it too.

It is so difficult when her spouse is fine with it and the two of them carry on like its high school. They're both cops!!! How about a little professionalism. Sorry, I'm frustrated.

I start to think, is it me? Am I the jealous type? But I know it can't be me. The 2 of them are dictating to their spouses that this is happening and there is really nothing we can do about it.
 
#11 ·
It is so difficult when her spouse is fine with it and the two of them carry on like its high school. They're both cops!!! How about a little professionalism. Sorry, I'm frustrated.
If it was just the email, you have no way of knowing if she intercepted it and replied herself or prepped him already.

I start to think, is it me? Am I the jealous type? But I know it can't be me. The 2 of them are dictating to their spouses that this is happening and there is really nothing we can do about it.
It's not you, it's him.Your husband as brought a third person into the marriage which is one too many. His lack of regard for your feelings, the way he's rubbing your nose in his affair means you probably ought to give him te divorce he asked for.

Your marriage won't survive with her around anyway,
 
#12 ·
It is not you. He is having an affair.
He has crossed the line and at the moment, has no repercussions. Tell him to leave. Contact an attorney and start implementing the 180. None of this means that you must go through with a divorce. But he needs to quickly learn what leaving his family will feel like. Right now he has a girlfriend and a wife. That is one too many people in any relationship.
 
#13 · (Edited)
My husband wants a divorce, but while talking yesterday I said we should wait 3 months to see if anything changes. He agreed to that.
In saying that he wanted a divorce he was calling your bluff, and you backed down. Now that he has established that you will do nothing for fear of divorce, he feels free to flaunt his inappropriate relationship with the other woman (OW) right in your face knowing that you will do nothing.

And insists on holding me. He spent over an hour holding me and telling me he loves me.
He does not really want a divorce, he wants to cake eat.

I was an idiot and thought we were making progress and I went to kiss him. He pulled away from me and said he's not "ready."
He does not want to cheat on the OW with you.

The best odds at saving your marriage is to be willing to end it. File for divorce and mean it. It is not a sure thing that he will pick you, but the odds get worse everyday that this goes on. If he is willing to let you divorce him because he values his relationship with the OW more than his marraige to you, then you should get a divorce and find someone that makes you their number one priority. Without telling your husband in advance, tell the other woman's husband (OWH) that your husband chose keeping his relationship with OWH's wife over his marriage to you. Let him know that your husband has made it clear to you that his friendship with the OWH's wife is his top priory, and that your husband will not even kiss you since he got back from that trip with the OWH's wife. Warn the OWH that because of this, your husband stated that he wanted a divorce, which you are giving him, and that your soon to be ex-husband is back on the dating market again. Tell the OWH that when his wife one day gives him the same divorce speech that your husband gave you, that he should feel free to call you if he needs someone to talk to that would understand. This should get the OWH thinking.
 
#15 ·
He's not saying its to be with her.

Her husband has asked me to stop contacting him. I messaged him once to let him know that the EA is happening, then again to report that my husband has feelings. He responded that I'm dragging him into this craziness or something to effect.
 
#18 ·
He is focused on the OW. She is what gets his juices flowing. You are just some comfortable background noise to him that moves to the foreground once in a while. This is when he comes back to you for a bit.

He said he wants a divorce. I would say, "OK. She's all yours. Go find your bliss." I wouldn't let him treat me with such disrespect.

The chances are there that he will be shaken out of his idiocy when you file for the divorce, but I don't think there's a chance of that happening if you don't file. He doesn't respect you now because you are letting him cake-eat. Show him you respect yourself by telling him he can have his divorce & that you won't be treated like this.
 
#20 ·
mtn lioness....Whoa hold on there.

It seems that your contact with the OWH was via email, correct?

First of all how do you know that the response you got was actually from the OWH? How do you know it was not intercepted.

Also, your husband told you that he had a discussion with the OWH and it is accepted by him? How do you know that this took place?

So, I think what you need to do is to get real proof (if you have it), and personally get this in the hands of the OWH. This may change the whole landscape.

p.s. do not give your husband a heads up on any contact you plan to have with the OWH.
 
#21 ·
Hmm, well, if OP's husband doesn't give a crap what she says, what makes people think that the OW will give a crap what her husband says even if he ever does agree that they are more than "friends"?

Sure, you might try to meet with OW's husband in person in case your emails were intercepted, but honestly, I hope you have more of a game plan than that since OW's husband can't do diddly-squat to change the OP's husband's feelings for the OW. He's still going to be pining for her and wanting a divorce.
 
#22 ·
Where is that post about "Let Them Go"? That's very apropos.

So sorry you are going through this. It is the hardest advice to take, but he is deep in the fog and his relationship with the other woman is a pipe dream. Instead of encouraging him back, nice-ing him back, hoping he'll snap out of it, SNAP him out of it.

1) Tell the OW Husband.
2) Expose to your family. your Wayward Husband's family.
3) Tell him, "You're not ready? Well, I'm not ready to be anybody's Plan B. If you want your "friend" then move out and go be with her." Pack his $h!t in a bag and drop him off at her house.

Don't be a doormat, friend.

best of luck
FH
 
#23 ·
sorry you are here- TAM can be very helpful and it can be a lot to soak up...I think for right now who knows what's going to happen w/u 2, but it doesn't matter and doesn't need to be decided today EXCEPT if he can't put you before her (or what you asked of him/no contact) them for right now tell him to leave. for a short period of time last year my husband had an EA and basically put another women first-her needs, her concerns etc-(something I never thought he could/would do) it was presented as "just friends" too- it didn't matter really-if as his wife he can't see how wrong it is (even if it isn't physical yet?) and how hurtful and harmful to you he isn't being a husband to you. As posters said before /you'll read on TAM- he needs to get out of this fog first-don't let him just continue cake and eating it too.
 
#25 ·
mtn.Lioness
Don't you for one millisecond spend another minute doubting yourself!!!!
No, they are not just friends!!!!

Leave the other woman's husband alone, he is obviously a fool, you know the truth.
If you wish ot save the marriage, explain to him why his actions are doubtful. Hell bring him to this site so he feast upon story and story about "just friends" who aren't.

OMG!!! I am very angry at these people who profess they are just friends, Just friends my ass!!!!
 
#26 ·
He's gone. He packed his things and left. I took back his phone; my phone. Suspended it so he'd let it go out of his hand. He tried to take it with him. But I took it back and said, this is mine, you have to buy your own things now. He wasn't happy, but it is what it is. He has a passcode locked on the phone. I don't want to see it anyway.

He's with a family member. She mouthed, "call me later" when she saw us.

I've already contacted his family and mine when things were happening at the end of his training over a week ago, asking for them to support us through this and help us keep our marriage going. He's upset that I contacted them, but he said he understood. He doesn't want an ear bashing. But no one is supporting his decision to abandon his wife and kids over a "friend"

He says he's going to stay at the homeless shelter. Whatever. I'm not going to be sympathetic to his inability to maintain a family home.

I've been doing this by myself, his training didn't pay squat.

The thing that kills me the most is that my kids are suffering and he could care less. His "friend" is more important to him.
 
#46 ·
OK. Immediately tell the other woman's husband (OWH) that you now have 100% proof that they are more than just friends, and that your husband moved out to be with her. Let the OWH also know that your husband asked for a divorce, and that dealing with the affair is now on him as you will be moving forward with the divorce request.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top