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They're "just friends"

59K views 304 replies 63 participants last post by  mtn.lioness 
#1 ·
I've been poking around the site for the last week or so.

My husband has come back from a 3 month training. He's now home. He met a "friend" during that time and was constantly talking with her, in person, over the phone or texting. He admits he's at fault and that he should have spent that time and energy on me, but he choose not to. While fighting during the first 2 days of his return, he has chosen to continue to talk to her, telling me that he will continue and there's nothing I can do.

He now openly texts her, smiles, and turned the volume up on his key strokes and incoming/outgoing notifications. It was on silence before. It hurts. He continues to say "their just friends." She is married with kids, one as young as 7 months old. I had contacted her husband to let him know, he must be in denial or simply doesn't care or perhaps they have a relationship that allows this sort of thing. My husband said he approached him and took him outside to talk, she joined them and they all understand now whats going on.

My husband admitted that the relationship was/is inappropriate in one minute, then insists they're friends and he's not going to stop talking to her. She's even sending him pictures of herself. Her husband responded to my email, stating its my 'crazy-minded' idea that this is more. The sheer amount of time and dedication these two have with one another...

My husband wants a divorce, but while talking yesterday I said we should wait 3 months to see if anything changes. He agreed to that. And insists on holding me. He spent over an hour holding me and telling me he loves me. I was an idiot and thought we were making progress and I went to kiss him. He pulled away from me and said he's not "ready."

That hurt. I asked him to leave, get out of my bed and my room. He did, 5 minutes later he came back. He pulled my kids into the room to have them listen to an audiobook and snuggle in the bed. The kids were so happy and we all ended up falling asleep. I woke to find my kids in their beds and he was holding me again. Throughout the night I tried to roll over to give space, he was right there and didn't let me go. It was nice and I fell asleep after each attempt. But it got to be 6am and I was awake and hurt. I asked him to stop trying to hold me. He asked if he should go in the "other room" (all of his stuff from the training is in the guest room, where he's been) I said yes.

Its too hard and he's giving me mixed messages. Its really causing me to be depressed and anxious.
 
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#96 ·
Turn about is fair play. If the OW contacts you again, then tell her you will file harassment charges against her. Also contact a lawyer, as in certain states, the passing of a STD to an unknowing victim can be a criminal offense. Since he received testing and treatment, then he was not unknowing in his dealings with the STD and exposing you to it.
 
#97 ·
If OW contacts me; I would gladly tell her that. I hope she doesn't contact me any further though

So.... I went to my first appt with my therapist... She asked me to wait and be open to forgiveness and a second chance if he's willing to work on things. I stressed we've only been married for 8 months! And she said that our history didn't begin 8 months ago. Ughhhhhhh now I'm all confused!
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#103 ·
I've been "looking back" a lot lately... trying to figure out when everything really changed.

I can practically pin it to August 30th... a night when he called, drunk, saying that being in the shooting range was triggering his PTSD... I was walking thru an airport, getting back from a business trip, and I was short with him... and pointed out that his program has a 'zero tolerance' for drinking... He was upset and I didn't hear him out. He didn't contact me for 2 weeks after that. When he did it was different, couldn't talk long, was distant... I went back into my journal and looked at it..read through the pages... he told me that the reason they began talking was about his PTSD, he maintains that.

After chewing on this, for like today... I was driving around for work and my mind was away...and I thought, what if this is transference? Rather than dealing with his anxiety and trauma it was easier to mask the feelings with something new, exciting, mysterious and all that. I'm not excusing him. I'm just thinking here.

That's what I brought to my therapist and she basically said that it could work if he were to get help for his untreated PTSD and lots and lots and lots of trust building.

Sorry, I was on my phone earlier...

I did tell her about the texting and the mean, immature behaviors.
 
#109 ·
I'm very familiar with the counseling world. Trust me when I say they are just people. And that lots of people get into counseling because THEY have problems. So you really do have to kind of comb through them to find the good fit. I recommend searching therapists in your area along with the word "reviews" and read the reviews of others who have visited them. Find one who seems to work the way you think.

Example, my DD23 went to one I found for her for quite a while, growing up. Just a few months ago, we changed insurance so we had to find a new one, and she went to this new one, and she is 100% different from the old one, who just talks and makes suggestions. This one is very active in getting DD23 to change what she's doing. She's thrilled.
 
#113 ·
I haven't ever cheated... but I've been cheated on in every relationship. I'm to the point where I cannot trust my decisions in partners. When I left my ex 8 years ago, I felt in a panic thinking of my future without someone to share it with. I'm no longer thinking that way. I'm at peace looking forward thinking I will share it with just my kids. I'm okay with that.

I have the divorce paperwork filled out already and ready for signature. This has freaked out my family, they don't want me to act so quickly, but what will change? Nothing. This has happened and there's not a whole that *I* can do. He runs from his problems into a new one, I've concluded after looking at his choices... Am I really supposed to give him time to emotionally adjust to the idea of a divorce? Really? How about allowing me to emotionally adjust to the idea of him having an affair, no that got thrown at me all at once. Am I upset? Yes. Am I emotionally wrecked? Yes, but everyday its less and less. Is this an emotional decision to divorce? Yes and No. No because I cannot logically see me ever trusting him again. Waiting is only prolonging the inevitable.
 
#116 ·
I'll buy it now, hope its available on kindle

Sounds like you've grown up with and surrounded yourself with people who urge you to put YOUR needs and dignity aside, just to have a man around. Not healthy.
Its my parents... They're a big support for me, they just don't want me to make an emotional decision. I think if I give it 6 months then file it'll be more thought through??
 
#121 ·
My youngest is now refusing to wear her glasses, says that her heart is too broken... I held her and reassured her that I love her and that he loves her.

The kids want to play with their 'cousins' they're his side of the family as we know no one else here... this is so difficult
 
#124 ·
The reason he now sounds reluctant to sign the divorce papers is that he was bluffing. Now he knows you can let go. He was using the fact of divorce to manipulate you and when you asked him to sign the papers, he realized the bluff failed.

Be prepared for his next tactic to put you back into your place.

What he did was not an accident, it was a coldly calculated choice. Can you expect him to change his spots?
 
#125 ·
The reason he now sounds reluctant to sign the divorce papers is that he was bluffing. Now he knows you can let go. He was using the fact of divorce to manipulate you and when you asked him to sign the papers, he realized the bluff failed.

Be prepared for his next tactic to put you back into your place.

What he did was not an accident, it was a coldly calculated choice. Can you expect him to change his spots?
 
#128 ·
Do you have an idea of what that tactic might be? So I can prepare myself... his choice was very cold and calculated. He was planning on using me until she was ready to leave her husband.

Perhaps her husband is looking at this as an opportunity to unload her. Hey, it happens.
Can i ask, what do you mean by "opportunity to unload her" I haven't heard that expression before

Sorry you're having a rough day. We all go through those. :(

Hope tomorrow is better. Hang in there. We're pulling for you.
Thanks...I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I get to go back to work and start my week over. I'm much better when I'm busy.
 
#129 ·
Sometimes there are realizations about things that bring clear perspective in infidelity

One of them is this fundamental realization

The man you have given your heart to is not the man you thought he was - ever.

This is what 'love' does - it pushes down the negatives of a partner and boosts the positives (as if bizarrely you were in the middle of an affair !!) That's how to a smaller degree affair partners see it.

That's how 'in love' couples see it too.

This is how love works inside of you in how you perceive your 'love partner'

As 'love' fades/evolves or 'reality' sets in you start to see more and more of the negative sides about somebody but you love them more, in a different way, that accepts those things, those faults.

Even whilst somebody is sh!itting all over you in committing adultery you will still hang on to their good sides still not want to believe the growing realization that they have a bad side and its one hell of a bad side too, that they could contemplate choosing to hand out so much pain to somebody /people THEY supposedly love.

It takes time but you are seeing they are not who you thought they are.

When you actually accept this person is not that, then you will survive this, then you will deal with them s their behavior demands

Until then it's really a process of denial.

When this bit this crucial bit kicks into you you will be very clear how you deal with all of this
 
#130 ·
Thank you for this... It's getting more and more evident what I need to do. The worst is just trying to do all of this while away from my loved ones.
For some reason I got a message from his mistress, she messages me "we are growing apart" and it was to our family email. It was on purpose. I know she knows I can see it. He told her to not use it. Like this whole weekend has been hell for me and now I see this. I have to stop using this email account.
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#135 ·
My youngest is sick and she was crying, wanting to talk to him, I tried just tending to her needs, then she grabbed my hand and said she she'd feel better if she could talk to him. I called. He answered. We haven't really talked in awhile. Since last week. They talked briefly then I asked if he was taking off for work tomorrow and he said, "no, did you need help?" and I said, "actually that'd be a big help" and so now I'm going to drop her off with him tomorrow. Not sure how this is going to play out. My plan is to stick to my daughter's concerns and drop her off, then when I pick up, get an update on how she was and be polite then get out of there.
 
#137 ·
Well, I went over there. He said he wasn't sure if he could take her. He was waiting on a call and I had to do participate in a conference call at work. So I was in the other room for awhile. He got the call he is taking off for his job in the morning and had to run errands. Overall the time I was there was about 90 minutes. He smoked a cigarette with me outside when I first got there and said that I looked good. I thanked him. He then said, "you were right, she picked her family, its over, we're done now" and I was quiet. After the silence I said, "my brother is coming up to stay with me." and he said that'd be good. Then while waiting for our calls to see how we were going to proceed with whether or not he could watch her. He said, "Catching Fire comes out tomorrow." I said, "Oh i thought it was Friday" and he then asked me to go with him. I didn't respond. He looked up times and kept talking about it. I didn't really respond. I got my phone call and spent the next 45 minutes in the next room. He also took a call.

He's still wearing the bracelet she made him. Then he asked, "are you talking to Nichole still?" and I said, "No, I haven't contacted her." and he said, "She's flipping out now" and I just was indifferent. I asked if he was going to need the afternoon to get last minute things for his job and he said yes he would.

So I suited up my daughter and we left. No real goodbye, I just said, thanks and that's pretty much it. He put my daughter in her carseat and said he loves her and that he'll be back in 2 weeks and he'll call to talk to her when he can.

Now we're home and she's feeling better.
 
#139 ·
He just called and we talked for like 2 hours.

He was sad and apologized. He was hesitant to answer any tough questions, but provided some info on more lighter questions that I had.

I'm not hearing any REAL remorse at this point. He's saying he messed up and can't see how I'd forgive him.

IDK what to think. I'm still so so hurt. He had plans with her, they made plans together, when I asked him what they were he said he didn't want to talk about it. He said he's afraid of hurting me more with the details. He also said he had plans, but he didn't think the OW was ever going to really follow through with them.

IDK what to think now. I'm just overwhelmed with this information. He said so much, but didn't say a whole lot... he kept going back to that he hurt me so badly and that I'm such an amazing person, but is worried that he'd hurt me again. He said he's a horrible person...I don't like when people talk about themselves like that, I said to him that he is not a horrible person, but that he has behaved horribly.

He admitted to having a PA and apologized for hurting me by lying and denying my suspicions.

I'm moving forward with my life and continuing to pick myself up, go to work and take care of my kids. IDK what comes next. IDK how I should proceed with caution. IDK. IDK. IDK.
 
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