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They're "just friends"

59K views 304 replies 63 participants last post by  mtn.lioness 
#1 ·
I've been poking around the site for the last week or so.

My husband has come back from a 3 month training. He's now home. He met a "friend" during that time and was constantly talking with her, in person, over the phone or texting. He admits he's at fault and that he should have spent that time and energy on me, but he choose not to. While fighting during the first 2 days of his return, he has chosen to continue to talk to her, telling me that he will continue and there's nothing I can do.

He now openly texts her, smiles, and turned the volume up on his key strokes and incoming/outgoing notifications. It was on silence before. It hurts. He continues to say "their just friends." She is married with kids, one as young as 7 months old. I had contacted her husband to let him know, he must be in denial or simply doesn't care or perhaps they have a relationship that allows this sort of thing. My husband said he approached him and took him outside to talk, she joined them and they all understand now whats going on.

My husband admitted that the relationship was/is inappropriate in one minute, then insists they're friends and he's not going to stop talking to her. She's even sending him pictures of herself. Her husband responded to my email, stating its my 'crazy-minded' idea that this is more. The sheer amount of time and dedication these two have with one another...

My husband wants a divorce, but while talking yesterday I said we should wait 3 months to see if anything changes. He agreed to that. And insists on holding me. He spent over an hour holding me and telling me he loves me. I was an idiot and thought we were making progress and I went to kiss him. He pulled away from me and said he's not "ready."

That hurt. I asked him to leave, get out of my bed and my room. He did, 5 minutes later he came back. He pulled my kids into the room to have them listen to an audiobook and snuggle in the bed. The kids were so happy and we all ended up falling asleep. I woke to find my kids in their beds and he was holding me again. Throughout the night I tried to roll over to give space, he was right there and didn't let me go. It was nice and I fell asleep after each attempt. But it got to be 6am and I was awake and hurt. I asked him to stop trying to hold me. He asked if he should go in the "other room" (all of his stuff from the training is in the guest room, where he's been) I said yes.

Its too hard and he's giving me mixed messages. Its really causing me to be depressed and anxious.
 
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#176 ·
What are yours and your STBX's ages? Ok, impertinent question to ask a lady, but you have said a few times how young he is.

One of the things I learned from my wife's affair was, if something sounds odd, or stretches credibility, it is probably a lie. I still see a few odd things in your story. I think your STBX is still playing games.

I reconciled after my wife's affair and I can tell you firstly that it is very hard....some hurts I will carry for the rest of my life. And secondly that it takes two to reconcile. You cannot do it alone.

I am not seeing the burning need or reason to reconcile and I am not seeing how your husband might become suddenly more committed. Therefore I see your preference for divorce as painful but logical, and if that is your chosen path, I would suggest that you do it quickly. Get it over and done with. Get on with your life.

Don't know how you are going with you blog, but some people use their TAM threads as a journal. It's an option.
 
#177 ·
I am 31 and he is 23. We've been together for 4 years...

"The Plan" for over a year now has been to go for sole custody of my youngest daughter and its been planned to be filed in January 2014. I'm now nervous that this separation/divorce could look poorly in court... this is so complicated. My family thinks I should hold off on the divorce, do the custody hearings then pursue the divorce. (not his child) her bio-dad has been absent for 4 years, she's 5...
 
#180 ·
I understand... we had something at one time. I'm not embarrassed. I loved him, I still have love for him. He's an idiot and I went against my gut instinct when we first got involved. But had shown himself to be the kind of person I wanted in my life. My thoughts were of my parents, who have been together for 45 years... and got married at 20. He was responsible, caring, devoted and a provider/protector. I knew we'd have some maturity differences, but really, not many.. now... with his reactions... yes it is noticeable.

I would take legal advice on the custody question.

I think the age difference is significant. I am not saying it is a reason to not have a relationship, but I think it makes it likely you are at different places in life.
We are definitely in different places now.

After doing my relationship inventory... its like I wanted a do-over. (being completely, vulnerably honest) I had married at 20 to a man 10 years older and it didn't work, I had a child... next relationship didn't work and I had a child... I lost my high school sweetheart in Iraq in 2003. We graduated in 2001... 9/11 impacted my life so greatly. When I met my stbxh he reminded me, mostly because of the military aspect, of my first love and I think I wanted a do-over. I had 2 bad relationships with very bad people. I've endured more than anyone should ever in any kind of relationship. I came out of that determined to be self-sufficient and am. I was pregnant and alone with my 2nd child at 7 months pregnant when I decided to finished my 4 year degree. She was born on Thursday and on the following Monday she came with me to class. I didn't miss one class that semester. I knew that I was the only person who I could count on. When I met my stbxh he tried relentlessly to win my affection. Eventually I gave in and now we're here. I am a semester away from having my masters and I am in a very good paying job with great benefits and living in a beautiful home in a wonderful neighborhood... so yes... we are in very different places now. My journey now involves a chapter where we moved to Alaska... Now I'm making plans to return home. Its so lonely here without my family. We know no one besides his family. (we just moved here in April)
 
#181 ·
ML, I've just read your thrad today and am impressed with your strength and resolve. This despite your own self-doubt having allowed him to talk to you when you're trying NC.

You got good advice here, which is typical, and hopefully it's helped you move this along more simply than had you tried to go it alone. It seems from my chair that your next move, to divorce, is a logical move based on what has been going on. Nobody here seems to believe, including you, that your WH is truly ready to commit.

You're an inspiration.
 
#183 ·
I don't think you should be embarrassed. I just think you should understand developmental psychology a bit more. Most people don't stop developing their brains until around age 25. And most boys mature years later than their peer girls. So when a girl is mature enough at 25 to marry, the guy isn't going to really hit it - without roadblocks - much later.

That's my theory, anyway.
 
#184 ·
Most sadly, I do understand that... in fact, it was a common joke between us, just something we'd tease about...

I really struggled with this and waited...waited...waited... not long enough I see. But I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Before our move, it was wonderful.

That said... cheating isn't an age thing. I've had a significant other since I pretty much hit puberty; I have never cheated. Some people never had and never will; others will if the opportunity presents itself...

Its coming onto a month since this all went down... I'm not looking for the next guy to jump into another unhealthy relationship. I'm finally taking my time to grieve this relationship and the loss that goes with it. And I will continue to grieve each relationship I'm still haunted by until I'm in a better place... Then take that time to find hobbies and enjoy life. I am in no rush and the very last thing I want to do is hurt my children again. THIS has been so traumatic on them. That is what I hurt the most over...
 
#186 ·
HTML:
I'm going to see a counselor, the ones up here for kids have 6 month waiting lists.... But they're on 5 different providers lists; just waiting on a call back.

correction: to be more accurate, I saw the one lady once...I didn't like her very much and I'm looking to get lined up with someone else. I've been doing my grief-work through other resources.
 
#187 ·
I wasn't anticipating getting upset over his paycheck. It sounds like its about money, but its not. Its about the stability that we've been working towards for years. Seeing it in the account today just really set me off, emotionally... Its the concept of stability, the fact that its not happening and all the hard work towards meeting our goals, NOW that we finally met them...and now I'm back to planning and trying to figure out my life... its not fair.
 
#200 ·
All balances are zero right now because I've paid them.

They're in his name because the companies here want me to come in and switch them, to do that I'll need a lease to show he's not here. He's still on the lease.

They'll add my name to the account.


I'm okay, I was just venting. I don't have anyone to text or call to vent...

One phone number I can't change is my work phone. Which he called today asking why I turned off my phone. I can't change my work phone. I have so many clients that have my number memorized. Plus all it takes is an employee directory search and theres my info.

This will all subside soon... one day..
 
#202 ·
Thanks!

Today was better... his dad called me to say he got an odd, hurtful message on FB from my stbxh, his son... saying "This is your fault, she's going to take everything I've got"

I told him I don't know why any of this would be his fault...

My stbxh's sister text me and asked me to lunch. It was good seeing her. We visited, kept it light. It was nice. She also said that if any emergencies (at work) came up, she'd be willing to help watch the girls.
 
#203 ·
In their fog, blame shifting is typical - usually the betrayed spouse gets the blame for everything, but your H is really spreading the blame around. It's dad's fault? That's a bit of a twist on the cheater's script. What exactly is his father's fault? His cheating? "My father made me do it and now my wife is going to take everything I've got."

:lol:

Or did you get a shark lawyer referral from his dad?

Anyway. They can get uber defensive and are so self-centered, they go into self-protection mode like a cornered, wounded wild animal and they lose the capacity to think clearly. The stuff that can come out of their mouths as well as the behavior may astound you! Expect the reasoning ability of a five year old. More bizarreness to come. When possible, step back and observe this theater of the absurd and try to see the humor in it - that may help a little. Because some of it, when viewed from a distance, is almost slapstick.

And anyway - "everything I've got?" You've been the breadwinner, right? You paid for his training and he just got an entry level job so I assume he has not much in the way of assets. :scratchhead:
 
#204 ·
It is truly amazing the things the cheaters will say. My xW told her family I pushed her to cheat on me. They even called me and trying to convince me it was my fault. I was like I knew your daughter was messed up but clearly you are just as messed up if you really think that way. I think it really was an eye opener for her mom to her.

My xW still lies to my kids about a lot of things. I just try to avoid any issues. It seems you are on a good path I would just stay the course.


Do the owners of the place you are staying at have a landlord agreement on the utilities? If they do then you can work with them to just have them take over the utilities and you pay them until you get your name on the lease.

Clay
 
#207 ·
When he called me at work he asked me what I wanted out of the divorce and I told him my savings that I spent moving us here and help with the rent, your share of the rent that you signed to pay in the form of alimony until I move from here. Basically, its just the amount that he would owe for the lease and the amount of money I paid to move us here would basically move us back. I'm not trying to get "everything he's got."

I got him into that program, he has said many times he wouldn't have been able to even land the job without my help. I did everything from his resume, the application, the cover letter and I scanned his achievements to make a portfolio to bring to the interview, which he said they were very impressed with. I set him up. Plus did all of the follow-up paperwork for the academy, housing, meal plan, all that goes with it...form after form.. Plus I gave him money to live off of... what a joke!

It is so sad that he's trying to blame his father right now. He has done nothing to deserve that accusation. He is so sad that he would shift the blame on him. He didn't give me any information. He calls me weekly to check-in, tells me that he prays for me and the girls... and that he loves us, and this last call he said he has christmas gifts for the girls and me. He says that even if we decide to divorce he thinks of me as his daughter and will always love us. He said that 20 years could pass and if I called him and needed help or someone to talk to he would be here for me.

I know that his dad wants us to work things out. But he is also supportive of my decision to say that I cannot work through the affair and lies...

The landlord/owner isn't very understanding. I've tried getting out of the lease early... changing the lease... No go, she won't change anything. I'm obligated to pay the rent until May 2014... its just another 5 payments. It would be nice if he stepped up and 'helped' like he's been telling everyone that he would.
 
#208 ·
Did you get a contract for the least? Some leases actually have a hardship clause in them. Or you could take another route. Just start complaining about things not working right at the place. Make them send some one out weekly to fix things. They will be happy to let you out of this after a month of this.

My xW's Dad was very supportive of me to. He was not her biological father but he did raise her. He would not allow the OM in his house for over a year after the divorce.

Clay
 
#210 ·
Well at least you have that. I owned my home and my xW signed off completely in the divorce. So I did not have to worry about that plus I was always the breadwinner so money was not the issue for me. What made it difficult for me is she took care of the bills. Or at least I thought she was taking care of them. I found within a week of throwing her out that she failed to pay most of them for a couple months. I think she was buying gifts for her new man with that money. I ended up using the income tax check to catch things up.

Clay
 
#213 ·
Make sure you ducks are in a row so that he doesn't lay claim to some of the tax refund (as he may be entitled to it as well).
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#215 ·
I plan to file married, but separate. The kids are mine. He hasn't made much money this year, just the month of December.

He doesn't know the first thing about doing his taxes. His dad did them and then I took over.. his dad and I haven't discussed who's doing them this year. I won't be. The stbxh should do his own.
 
#216 ·
Wen if you claim that way, if you are still married this could be considered shared income. I am no lawyer or tax professional so I am not sure if he would still have claim to this (it is a gray area since the income was earned while married and I am not sure what is spelled out in the agreement). I was just throwing it out there so you can prepare in advance to keep it out of his hands.
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