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They're "just friends"

59K views 304 replies 63 participants last post by  mtn.lioness 
#1 ·
I've been poking around the site for the last week or so.

My husband has come back from a 3 month training. He's now home. He met a "friend" during that time and was constantly talking with her, in person, over the phone or texting. He admits he's at fault and that he should have spent that time and energy on me, but he choose not to. While fighting during the first 2 days of his return, he has chosen to continue to talk to her, telling me that he will continue and there's nothing I can do.

He now openly texts her, smiles, and turned the volume up on his key strokes and incoming/outgoing notifications. It was on silence before. It hurts. He continues to say "their just friends." She is married with kids, one as young as 7 months old. I had contacted her husband to let him know, he must be in denial or simply doesn't care or perhaps they have a relationship that allows this sort of thing. My husband said he approached him and took him outside to talk, she joined them and they all understand now whats going on.

My husband admitted that the relationship was/is inappropriate in one minute, then insists they're friends and he's not going to stop talking to her. She's even sending him pictures of herself. Her husband responded to my email, stating its my 'crazy-minded' idea that this is more. The sheer amount of time and dedication these two have with one another...

My husband wants a divorce, but while talking yesterday I said we should wait 3 months to see if anything changes. He agreed to that. And insists on holding me. He spent over an hour holding me and telling me he loves me. I was an idiot and thought we were making progress and I went to kiss him. He pulled away from me and said he's not "ready."

That hurt. I asked him to leave, get out of my bed and my room. He did, 5 minutes later he came back. He pulled my kids into the room to have them listen to an audiobook and snuggle in the bed. The kids were so happy and we all ended up falling asleep. I woke to find my kids in their beds and he was holding me again. Throughout the night I tried to roll over to give space, he was right there and didn't let me go. It was nice and I fell asleep after each attempt. But it got to be 6am and I was awake and hurt. I asked him to stop trying to hold me. He asked if he should go in the "other room" (all of his stuff from the training is in the guest room, where he's been) I said yes.

Its too hard and he's giving me mixed messages. Its really causing me to be depressed and anxious.
 
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#221 ·
I have heard of people claiming the kids when they did not even have custody of them.
This is true. As the IRS does not want to get in the middle of such things, unless you want to go to court over this, the first one to file with the children's social security numbers gets the deduction. To be safe, file before your soon to be ex. File early without telling him.
 
#220 ·
Like I said before, I would be afraid he would put in a claim on the refund when it came through so check on if you have the end closed up so he can't touch it.
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#226 ·
Yep. The truth is the best and only defense in several issues (and unless something false was said, then nothing can be done except live with it vein publicly available, which is what they don't want as A's hate public attention).
 
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#228 ·
I think getting a lawyer involved is pointless. The most they will be able to do is get it removed but that does not stop someone else from putting it back up there the next day.

Cheatersville founder stated in a interview recently that they are not responsible for what third party people put up on there wise.

With anonymous proxies being able to access all around the word you can change your location every time you put it up and have them going crazy over it.

Clay
 
#229 · (Edited)
This and very few have actually been successful in getting the posts taken down or blocked. I remember one thread on here where the AP was able to get it "temporarily" blocked, but it was only blocked for that countries search engines, so if accessing another countries search engine, it was #1 on the returned list of findings (and this was through Google).
 
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#237 ·
UPDATE:

Greetings,
Its been a few months... since this time my stbx has tried coming back and I had a hard time at first and let him stay for a few days. He's been sending a portion of his check to my account for about 3-4 checks now. He's been trying, but I have been clear, even when he stayed to help with the kids, that I am not taking him back. I have the paperwork filled out and it has been since 11/14/13. I really want it to be a joint thing. He's been going through some really hard times trying to move on. He goes back and forth between being okay with the separation and wanting to get back together. He's called, sobbing, while drinking, and had to tell me 'everything' so that I can forgive him and try working on us.

Its been a roller coaster for him. I've been able to hold steady. I've asked him to remain out of the house since he's gotten too emotional when he visits. Its been a few weeks since he came over. He has shown up at my place of work a few times wanting to go to lunch.

I have to keep in mind that he's young, he is suffering from PTSD and he seems to be really depressed and hitting bottom. I worry about his mental health. I'm encouraging his want to seek counseling. He wants help to get that started. I'm open to helping him with that.

I have been going on some dates. I've been hanging out with someone and its going well, slow, very slow and well. I'm not interested in rushing into anything, but its nice to get out and enjoy my time and forget about the stress that is my situation.

I cannot believe that I'm not divorced yet. Honestly, I hope that I can get him on board. I don't think he'll get there so I've reached out to my attorney again. I just really don't want to have to serve him. I do worry about him as a person. I continue to go through the different stages of grief... I was depressed for awhile.. but now I've bounced between anger, bargaining and denial and I'm getting closer to acceptance..I feel like I have one foot in that door. I'm more than okay with my decision to divorce. I have tried to forgive my stbx, I'm not totally there. I'm working on it. When I begin the work on forgiving him I go back to being upset about what was ruined and lost because of his betrayal.


I live in a huge state, but its like a small town. Its made its way back to me that the OW is having a hard time where she works because her department found out what she was up to. She now has an unfavorable nickname. People in the village she works in also know about what happened. I don't feel bad about it. She made this bed, she can lay in it.
 
#239 ·
Well done

Its hard but well done

Trouble is you can so easily because of love and past great times just slip back into how you think it will be again

but it won't - it will never be the same - they've ensured that

I'm in a similar position, she tried to come back recently, lots of 'issues' mentally (BPD) and she keeps finding reasons not to sign of the full and final divorce which has been agreed in principle for 8 months now, she can't let go

Fking annoying actually because I'm 'gone'

I don't know about you but the time I've had out nearly two years and her wanting to come back in Dec has given me the ability to actually decide about her with no 'desperation' and no 'need' which my heart always put in the forefront of my decision making.

now that I can think straight, head not heart, my decision was simple -
have her back = I and my kids get killed - EVERY TIME

That's hard but it's the truth

You're heart will always be bubbling underneath prodding "go on go on, we can do it, we ca we can"!
It's programmed to do that with someone you still love BUT this is about 'safety' and security - yours
so......

All the best with it
 
#241 ·
He won't have anything to do with the kids when this is all done. They are not his biological children. When he slips into his isolation phases, he doesn't do anything for the kids. He's even gotten calls from the school about my DD being sick. He didn't call me or even text. The school called me, too. But he didn't even let me know they tried calling. It wasn't until the nurse asked if he was an emergency contact anymore because he doesn't seem like he is. That's telling. But like I said, he goes through these phases. He'll be productive, helpful and mindful then he'll jump on a plane to Hawaii and spend 5 days there and not thinking about the rent and bills he owes towards.

Well done

Its hard but well done

Trouble is you can so easily because of love and past great times just slip back into how you think it will be again

but it won't - it will never be the same - they've ensured that

I'm in a similar position, she tried to come back recently, lots of 'issues' mentally (BPD) and she keeps finding reasons not to sign of the full and final divorce which has been agreed in principle for 8 months now, she can't let go

Fking annoying actually because I'm 'gone'

I don't know about you but the time I've had out nearly two years and her wanting to come back in Dec has given me the ability to actually decide about her with no 'desperation' and no 'need' which my heart always put in the forefront of my decision making.

now that I can think straight, head not heart, my decision was simple -
have her back = I and my kids get killed - EVERY TIME

That's hard but it's the truth

You're heart will always be bubbling underneath prodding "go on go on, we can do it, we ca we can"!
It's programmed to do that with someone you still love BUT this is about 'safety' and security - yours
so......

All the best with it
Thank you... I can connect with what you're saying. I do still care, he's been a part of my life and a very large part of it for awhile and letting that part go has been difficult AFTER he resurfaced. He had been MIA for a month or so... He resurfaced right before New Years Eve. Quite unexpectedly. Now its been just about 6-7 weeks and I'm exhausted with his mood swings. I am done and ready to file. He just called tonight and swore he'd sign as soon as he gets back from working 2 weeks. He works in a remote location then has 2 weeks back in the area. He's said this many times and each time the day comes when he promises to sign he backs out, turns off his phone or doesn't show up where we agreed to meet.

What to they call her? "Faithless Fuzz"?
They call her "B*tch Face" IDK what thats about. But apparently she's responded to a call (she's a cop) and they called dispatch back and said, "I don't want to deal with B*tch Face." Apparently an elder threw a bottle at her while in uniform and since its different in villages, she wasn't allowed to do anything about it; trying to keep the peace. Apparently, this is how the villagers 'run them out' because they know what they can and cannot do and get away with. The married men at the department went to the chief of police, the OW's father, and refuse to be partnered with her because their wives know what she did and one wife is threatening to move if he gets partnered on anything with her. After the call back to dispatch, she was put in the office and can't patrol, which is what she was hired to do. So her 'good time' at the academy is having its ripple effects.

She was sleeping with 4 other guys, plus her husband when he'd visit. She is 28, 5 kids, 5 different dads; two of them are cousins and siblings... she was married, had a baby, then had her brother-in-laws baby. Like really. REALLY? This is the woman my stbx thought was wise decision. No, he wasn't thinking. He was horny. He wanted to know what fake breasts were like; I guess. I'm upset now. Ughhh but its good. Its good I get upset. I need to remind myself what he chose over me, our marriage and the family we have.
 
#242 ·
Well, she's a piece of work, isn't she? Kind of reinforces just how much your stbx needs to grow up.

Sounds like you're experiencing some normal feelings of concern for his well-being. Detaching is sometimes hard, even after someone has treated you so badly - to see them spiraling downward is difficult to watch. He messed up big time, and probably does need counseling because I bet he hasn't spent much time examining his character flaws and areas where he needs to work on himself. A simple "boy, I'd never do something that stupid again" doesn't begin to scratch the surface. I'm sure he had lots of areas of vulnerability to an affair that he needs to identify and get to work on, but that's all on HIM now. Other than helping him to find a counselor, I hope you won't be tempted to try to help him with the work he has to do on his own issues now that you're moving on.

Best of luck - be good to you, and take good care of yourself!
 
#244 · (Edited)
Thanks, I am trying to help him get set up in counseling, but I am backing away and have maintain my distance. He calls and I don't answer them all. I was more worried when he'd drink whiskey every night for awhile. But now that he's stopped that I'm better. I'm worried he'll commit suicide. Its so common where we're from. Its so sad... and while he was drinking it was a serious concern. But he seems better *this week*

And she gets on her high horse about being on cheaterville? LOL. She was probably the original inspiration for the place.
She sent a second message about the cheaterville thing, because i did take down the one, only to realize there is no reposting it. So I posted a second one. She sent me a message on FB.

Here's what she sent:

Mrs. *****,
As this is the second time you've posted slanderous material about me on the internet I will keep this brief.
I have already explained to you the lengths I am willing to go to have these things removed. I understand from the website that it can take up to 48 hours to remove a post and I am prepared to give you that amount of time. If you decide to leave the information as it is my first step will be contacting your employer and my attorney.
I truly thought that the last time we dealt with this would in fact be the last. This entire thing is childish.
Thank you for you time.

My response:

Nichole, I haven't spoken to you since November 11th. We haven't dealt with 'anything.' You completely lied and got caught. You might want to look up the correct definition of slander, lol. I would love the opportunity to bring this information, including witness testimony, into public record. Do what you need to, I'm not quite sure how my employer is involved in your mess of a life, but if you want to get employers..city councils.. involved...thats a road I haven't ventured down, but the ball is in your court. I've done nothing illegal. You might want to study the Alaska State Statutes before involving legal parties... given your behaviors, I have more rights than you do. We are living in a Red State. You do know what that means, right? Good luck.
-Annie

She is such a trip...calling me Mrs. ***** (I just put the stars in place of my last name, no swear words!)
The post on Cheaterville is still up and active. Over 20,000 views.


That message was sent well over a month ago. It also made its way back to me...somehow, we live in different regions of the state, but there aren't a lot of people here... that she sought legal advice and was basically laughed at. She has nothing to go off of. Everything I posted on Cheaterville.com was true. And since then... I've met one of their classmates... her roommate from the academy, she said she'd love to provide a statement of affidavit if requested. She said she knows a few others from the academy who were disgusted by both of them and would be happy to supply their own statements. I believe adultery or something along those lines is illegal, a misdemeanor. If its not now, it was..so many people have said, "press charges on them." I'm not interested in that anyway.
 
#245 ·
I still wonder, how would she know her info is there?

That question still intrigues me!! Did she find it or did someone else, and if someone else, who did her the "favor" of checking that website and finding her on it?

If she found it herself, then she knew to look for herself there! So how could that be slander?

Yes, she is a trip!

Well, it sounds like you've handled this beautifully. And at least you even have a bit of a sense of humor about her lack of brain power.

Hope you continue to take care of yourself and heal from this ordeal.
 
#252 ·
But you ARE strong enough - you've not answered them !

Personally I would try to get myself into a frame of mind where as I do, I answer or interact with the stbx in an amicable but indifferent detached way but I know many have to get to this in their own good time

It's not easy - just keep your focus on what you want and what you are most comfortable with
 
#258 ·
#260 ·
Seeing as how he got mixed up with this class act:

She was sleeping with 4 other guys, plus her husband when he'd visit. She is 28, 5 kids, 5 different dads; two of them are cousins and siblings... she was married, had a baby, then had her brother-in-laws baby.

how about Dueling Banjos for your ringtone?
 
#263 ·
He's here. He showed up and insisted on living here because he's on the lease. I haven't been able to go to bed at a decent hour. Being in the same house makes me nauseous. No ring tone needed. I can't sleep. He's just here. I'm keeping cool because my girls miss him and were happy to see him. He needs to leave. I'm so overwhelmed right now!
 
#268 ·
That's not just immature and disrespectful, it's intimidating for him to do something like that to you - to show up and "insist" he can stay. As a man and a cop, he's bullying you and that's just way out of line! You can't let him stay another night. I get that he's unstable and you're afraid for him, but are you also afraid OF him?

Maybe there's a way to use this to "show" him he needs help - say something like, this is an example of the kind of behavior that shows you he needs help and you're not going to be married to him anymore. SOME people get remarried after they divorce after affairs, so you can tell him you won't rule that out (to get him out of your house today), but you have made up your mind that his behavior is such that you can't rely on him to be your husband. Showing up like this unannounced is disrespectful, and someone more steady and stable who was capable of more empathy for you would realize that - he needs a lot of therapy and treatment before he's going to be marriage material. And right now he's not. Too many bad decisions, too much drinking - he's got to clean up his act. No, you're not going to R, and he needs to leave today.
 
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