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They're "just friends"

59K views 304 replies 63 participants last post by  mtn.lioness 
#1 ·
I've been poking around the site for the last week or so.

My husband has come back from a 3 month training. He's now home. He met a "friend" during that time and was constantly talking with her, in person, over the phone or texting. He admits he's at fault and that he should have spent that time and energy on me, but he choose not to. While fighting during the first 2 days of his return, he has chosen to continue to talk to her, telling me that he will continue and there's nothing I can do.

He now openly texts her, smiles, and turned the volume up on his key strokes and incoming/outgoing notifications. It was on silence before. It hurts. He continues to say "their just friends." She is married with kids, one as young as 7 months old. I had contacted her husband to let him know, he must be in denial or simply doesn't care or perhaps they have a relationship that allows this sort of thing. My husband said he approached him and took him outside to talk, she joined them and they all understand now whats going on.

My husband admitted that the relationship was/is inappropriate in one minute, then insists they're friends and he's not going to stop talking to her. She's even sending him pictures of herself. Her husband responded to my email, stating its my 'crazy-minded' idea that this is more. The sheer amount of time and dedication these two have with one another...

My husband wants a divorce, but while talking yesterday I said we should wait 3 months to see if anything changes. He agreed to that. And insists on holding me. He spent over an hour holding me and telling me he loves me. I was an idiot and thought we were making progress and I went to kiss him. He pulled away from me and said he's not "ready."

That hurt. I asked him to leave, get out of my bed and my room. He did, 5 minutes later he came back. He pulled my kids into the room to have them listen to an audiobook and snuggle in the bed. The kids were so happy and we all ended up falling asleep. I woke to find my kids in their beds and he was holding me again. Throughout the night I tried to roll over to give space, he was right there and didn't let me go. It was nice and I fell asleep after each attempt. But it got to be 6am and I was awake and hurt. I asked him to stop trying to hold me. He asked if he should go in the "other room" (all of his stuff from the training is in the guest room, where he's been) I said yes.

Its too hard and he's giving me mixed messages. Its really causing me to be depressed and anxious.
 
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#271 ·
Hi everyone. Sorry for the delay in my response. I was bogged down at work then on Friday I went into the ER because of eye pain, turns out my new contacts (got them on last Tuesday) aren't good for me, even though I've been using this brand for the last how any years... I have an ulcer on my eye. It was weird timing because my ex was here to help me with my med schedule, which included a drop of steroid/antibiotic once every hour for 24 hours...which got extended to 36 hours and I'll be back in the hospital to see if they'll expand it again. I'm glad he was here because the pain pills knocked me out and he kept the med schedule going.

He's staying in my DDs room, the girls share my older DDs room anyway, it was open.

I'm too medicated to think about anything of depth right now.
 
#275 ·
Thanks. Once again Cheaterville proves itself to be an affair buster.

Perhaps you could cut and paste what you wrote to me? It clarified how far you have come. Your thread makes R look possible, but your PM doesn't.

Hope your eye is healed. I wear glasses. Was always afraid of contacts.

What bothers you most about your BH:

1) lack of trust
2) anger at the idea of him having sex her
3) his plan B'ing you
4) his lack of emotional commitment to your marriage
5) anger about his willingness to ruin your girls' family for a chance at strange pvssy
6) lack of genuine remorse

Is your love for him eroding away more quickly? Do you feel some tenderness or sympathy for him from time to time? Is being married to him like the booby prize?
 
#276 ·
Copy/paste of my PM to LongWalk:

My stbx and OW have ended their relationship back in December. She chose her husband and kids. My stbx claims he chose me. He claims he stopped talking to her. I read some of their texts and it appears as though she was trying to contact him without success, but it doesn't change things.

He's recently been answering my questions since he's been in the house. He told me that there was a day where he "put everything on the table" and he chose her over me. Knowing what he was giving up. He continues to say that he made a mistake and wants another chance. I just want him to agree to the terms of the divorce.

---

Its been awhile since my eye landed me in the ER, but I'm back at work this week, still unable to drive, now just taking over-the-counter ibuprofen, only as needed... which is when I first wake up and after work... so its not a consistent need at this point. I'm staying with a friend/co-worker and she has been driving me around (I feel like a teenager! Waiting for rides!) A great part of my job involves time on the computer. It has its moments of when my eye "looks tired" and is noticeable to others that it needs rest.

Its been nice staying with my friend, the kids are with me as my school aged daughter is on spring break and my friend has an adult daughter who is available to watch them while we're at work. Its been quite ideal.

I won't go into the divorce conversation at this time, I know I should file. I haven't yet. I'm really hoping to get him on board and I know that its advised by most to just go ahead and do it. I will get there on my timeline and I'm okay with that. I do stress over him agreeing with the terms of it and we're closer than ever before to just that.

I began therapy with a provider who I am really pleased with. She is an expert in her field. I was referred to her after I received the diagnosis of PTSD. I've had a recent diagnosis (within the last 2 years) of adjustment disorder. This clinician provided an assessment explanation as to why the PTSD diagnosis that is based on specific events, not this infidelity with STBX. She would like me to begin EMDR therapy as she believes I'm a good candidate for it. This is an interesting aspect that I'm processing. I haven't had such a specific treatment plan before. I'm looking forward to putting in the work that requires me to deal with the traumas of my past.

That's a mouthful.

One day at a time.
 
#278 ·
My STBX is being recalled to the Army. I'm scared. All of these feelings are surfacing. His orders are to report within a month. I don't know what to think. The unit is deploying to Afghanistan. I don't want to deal with this during a deployment. I'm not ready. This is so overwhelming.
 
#279 ·
Still lost in thought mostly over this... but I wanted to add some details. This would be his second deployment and we were together, engaged, during his first deployment. We 'waited' to get married until after his army active duty contract... we wanted to 'be together' while we were married rather than have to be a part. Whatever. I'm frustrated with my life. I'm upset that this is yet another thing to add to everything... I will worry about him, I will answer his calls and I worry that I will turn my heart around and today I am saying that I don't want that. I'm nervous that the worry of him being over there again will tug at my heart strings.

I want to scream, where's OW now??? She's got his dog-tags because he gave them to her...its so stupid, I know, I know... but it still bothers me that I supported him through the first deployment and he had given me the tags and he turns around and gives them to her...as if she had anything to do with that part of his life. Now he's getting recalled and where is she? Probably messing with a half a dozen dudes again. And here I am... feeling as though I shouldn't even date while he's there because that could mess with his head, but if he wouldn't deploy than I would date whenever I'm ready. We were done with the army. I didn't think he'd ever get recalled since the military is down-sizing considerably.

I'm just still in shock from this... totally came out of left-field.
 
#280 ·
The endless war is playing h€ll on many marriages and relationships. You may not have time to divorce him before he departs. You should be clear that you have the right to live like a single person should you so choose.

He gave his dog tags to her. The symbols of love or just some meaningless metal.
 
#283 ·
UPDATE

I have been busy working lately.

I wanted to update my thread... turns out, surprise - surprise, he lied/set up the call. He wasn't recalled. He is still working the same job. We haven't spoke since April. This was the turning point for me, I stopped being 'nice' and have completely changed. I cannot believe that he would do that. I get the PTSD diagnosis, but this is entirely something else. He's changed or he's just finally who he is. Either way I've moved on.

I've sent a few texts trying to coordinate filing. The state I live in requires a diligent inquiry to be able to file a divorce with an estranged spouse...and I cannot have any judgement regarding property if I go that way. I've hired an attorney and we're in a stand-still. I cannot believe that I have to file for an estranged spouse. He refuses to cooperate. I signed my portion and its sitting at my attorney's office for a co-petitioner dissolution of marriage and I've signed the estranged spouse/divorce paperwork, however, I really don't want to go that route. He owes me. My attorney has written him a letter and had it sent to his work site up on the North Slope and he signed that he received it. But no response yet.

So thats whats new regarding that situation. Not too much new there.

I hope everyone is doing well.
 
#284 ·
Either way I've moved on.
THIS is good news. His lying about the deployment isn't. But it's not too much of a shock, sad to say. He's really got some "issues" hasn't he?

This "turning point" may be a blessing in disguise, as it may be what you needed to help you really move forward. An unpleasant jolt, but maybe the help you got out of it outweighed any damage done.

You will be OK!!
 
#285 · (Edited)
2 years ago, my husband confessed on a relationship that lasted for about 7 months, at first he said that we're only friend's but I never by that. She was 29 and my husband was 43. He told me he has something to tell me but a friend recommend that he comes clean because he was visiting his buddy while taking her instead of me. She proposition him to be mistress and still be with me. He met her through along time friend of twenty years and supposedly his girlfriend. He always offered to take her home and that relationship started from there. He would leave for work at 5:30 a.m. And I wouldn't see him till the next morning or days not at all. I pleaded so much for him to come home but he ignored me and lie about where he was. The mental stress was on me day and night but I just took it and tell myself this is just a phase but it wasn't. You see he was also going through a midlife crisis and mentally he wasn't coming back. The OW was devious trying to get my husband to leave me and my kids the whole time of their relationship. He always denied that he had a relationship with her but I never believed it. He was sexually involved with her and in the 3 month of the relationship he told me he wants to leave me but I never ended it. I was so afraid of being alone. If I could go back in that time I would of divorced him. Because I found out later that he had been seeing numerous women on the side even from his FB friends list. The humiliation is overwhelming, that I was the fool that stayed in this relationship and almost lost my job over this too. You have great courage to get out of this and I encourage you to stay strong. My story ended sadly when he was killed almost 8 months ago in a tragic motorcycle accident. I found out that he had someone still on the side. I am dealing with his loss and recover from his infidelities. I don't know what to think sometimes after what I have been through with him. But I do know that forgiveness is part of my healing.
Courage and strength to you!
 
#288 ·
My husband had a "friend" once. She didn't even know he was married. She texted him at all hours ( I saw the texts) and call him "her handsome one". I also saw texts from when he was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME and telling her to "have a good day, beautiful."

That was right after he move back home after leaving.

I should never have let him return...I am dealing with that now. It's been 3 years.
 
#289 ·
I am eternally updating then jetting off to my busy life.

I am very pleased to say that about a month after the last update, sometime in July, my ex called and asked me to lunch. I met him and saw a window of opportunity. During lunch he asked what I 'really' wanted and told him I wanted a divorce.

He agreed to sign. I had the papers with me, I had every version of filing this sucker with me. We went straight to the court house. I put my pride behind me and paid the damn fee. I kept wanting him to pay it. He's the reason this happened! But I did it and its set. It took months to get on the calendar. We had to wait the mandatory 30 days before we could set it on. November 4, 2014 will be the day its in front of the judge. I asked for nothing, but my name to be changed back to my maiden name. Its nearly 1 year to the day that I discovered his cheating. I'm feeling great about it and seizing the opportunity when I saw it. He has since, like a pattern, asked me to file 'something, anything!' to stop this. But its on its course.

Its closure. My feelings are not raw at all. I have my moments and certain things still trigger me, but not in the same ways at all. I'm more aware of what was done and I continue to remind myself that I am lucky I became aware of his true colors long before I invested many years and/or had children with him.

We got married, moved to Alaska and the plan was the settle here. He's originally from here. But I've been working at my place of employment for 18 months or so. I'm renting. My kids are getting used to the neighborhood and I'm meeting people that I can depend on and call friends; heck I can even add them to my kids emergency contacts. I'm far from home, but we're making the best out of everything. My plan is to move back 'home' at the end of my lease, May 2016. I have time to relax and explore this great state... I quit smoking. I'm focusing on my health and trying to find better ways to spend my time. I met someone, too. (That's for another thread perhaps)

Nearly a year later. I feel better. Actually, I feel pretty darn great! My outlook on things has changed. Time.. these things take time :)
 
#293 ·
She was with a lot. I don't recall, that's a good thing! The details are no longer on the tip of my tongue! It was a number of fellow cadets and a few townies I believe.

OWH had to have gotten something.

That part of my health has cleared up. I can put it behind me. Well, not always. I'll always have to share that info... blah... but yes..

I'd have to look back, but she did get her job taken away from her. She was demoted to a 911 dispatch from a police officer. There was some scandal that occurred and her chief of police father "resigned" but the city council continued with their investigation. She was part of it. I have limited details. But I felt that came back around rather quickly! It was in the local news papers. My ex was 'humiliated' meh!
 
#299 ·
Thank you turnera

Wow - that was fast, I got the dissolution of marriage decree in the mail.

I just need to go to the DMV to update my license and the Social Security office - I plan to do that on Monday. I want to change my name back as soon as possible.

It's really over, finally. :)
 
#301 ·
Hmm I've been just thinking about getting my forms of identification updated.

I just got a promotion at work and moved my office on Friday so that when I return on Monday -I'm all set to go.

There's not much else in plan. Just living life - maintaining. I go back for a 2 week visit to my hometown in December. Its been a year since everything came to light. 11/11 will mark a year since we separated. Its over already, the whole legal portion. I think thats a good thing!

I'm trying to focus one step at a time. The bills are paid, the kids are good, and I'm doing well - aspiring at work. Life is good :)

My ex is not doing well. He's having paranoid delusions, or he's blatantly lying - which wouldn't surprise me. I'm following the police's advice and not blocking him, but not engaging. He ebbs and flows... each time with more time since the last time he contacts me. I'm hoping with the finalization of the dissolution he'll move on. He was present by phone at the hearing. Only time will tell, but I am making plans to move back to my home state. We'll see.. I'm not entirely sure if I'll settle here or wait. IDK yet. Still waiting to see how I feel about things.
 
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