I need advice on how to cope while separated.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-07-2010, 02:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I need advice on how to cope while separated.

So my wife and I separated 2 months ago after 5 years of marriage and 7 years (today) of being together. Her reasons were that I micromanaged her life, worried about money far too much, embarassed her in front of her friends, was rude to everyone else, that I played video games instead of paying attention to her and that it has been going on for years and she is done trying to make our marriage work. I didn't realize that I was that bad that she was considering separation/divorce, but my eyes opened greatly when she told me she wanted out.

She says that she harbors prodigious amounts of hate and resentment toward me for the years of no attention that I paid her and that she cannot forgive or forget as that is not in her nature. She said that as much as she would like to get back with me and be a normal family again, she knows that in a few years we would be back where we are now and that she would hate herself for giving us another chance. She doesn't want to be around me because she gets uncomfortable (I made dinner for her and the kids the other night before I left for my 2 weeks at my guard unit and she left without eating to go dancing with her friends.)

She has been talking with one of her subordinates for at least 2 months via text and other means CONSTANTLY (last night she texted him until midnight and it probably equalled 200 texts between them throughout the day.) She has a core group of 3 friends, one of which is this guy. He is the opposite of me in just about every way, piercings, tattoos all over, 9 dollar an hour job, can't drive due to 1 or more DUIs, he's a loser, but my wife says he's a very close friend.

She moved into an apartment 3 days a week to be away from me on my days off as we have 3 kids together and she's home the other days but I don't really see her due to conflicting schedules.

I don't really have friends due to my schedule, the kids and who I work with (everyones 30+ years older than me) and I work Saturdays so most "groups" are out of my reach.

Anyway, she has admitted to sleeping in the same bed with him while he holds her and that he is just a really close friend, that there is no sexual intercourse involved. She goes out to bars on my days off after work and dances with other men and she told me one night that if we got back together, she didn't want to be monogamous, however, she doesn't really know if other men are what she wants. I have a dreading feeling that she will have sex with this man because of her emotional attachment and if/when I find out, it will ruin me.

My question is, how do I get all these images out of my head while trying to be calm, supportive and loving to her. This woman is my world besides my kids and I am willing to support her through whatever issues she needs to work out and be there for her when/if she wants to work on being friends again or possibly even more. When I'm alone, I go back to text messages that I saw of hers where he is holding her in a picture that she sent to a friend and she says "kinda cute huh? " among dirty pics that I found on her phone that she says she didn't send to him, but she sent multimedia texts to him around the time she took the pics. I want to trust her and give her support, love, understanding and companionship if needed, but the vivid images are killing me. If anyone can please help me with strategies or tactics I would really appreciate it.
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Old 06-07-2010, 03:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need advice on how to cope while separated.

Yeah, right....just holding...um ok.

Print out the phone records. Put a keylogger on her computer to see how else they are cheating. Gather your evidence. Sit her down and tell her that you want her cheating to stop, you cannot accept it. If/when she refuses you pick one person whose high opinion of her she cares about most (mother, father, sister, best friend) and you tell that person she is cheating and ask them to talk to her, to help you save your marriage by removing the OM from the picture so you can fix it.

In the meantime, take a good hard look at yourself, and make sure you are doing everything right. That doesn't mean doing all her chores for her; it means NOT doing what bothers her about you. It means meeting her top needs. Give her a reason to choose you.

If talking to that person doesn't stop her, then you get HIS contact info (parents, siblings), and her info, and you sit down and call their most important people and expose the affair.

Once it's out in the open, it won't be so much fun. That MAY be enough to stop it. Once she knows she can't replace you with him and have everyone be ok with it, the fantasy may burst. HIS people, you tell them he's cheating with a married woman, and will they get him to back off? You may want to mention lawsuits and subpoenas.

If, after all this, she still refuses to stop seeing him, then you play hardball and tell her you refuse to remain with a person who will cheat on you, and you want her to leave; you will draw up papers if you have to, to get her out. But she will either come back to the marriage, or leave.

She NEEDS you to fight the affair. Women need to see their man fight for them. That's what she's getting from him - he's pushing boundaries to get to her. Replace him.
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Old 06-07-2010, 03:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need advice on how to cope while separated.

I have already told the important people in her life and all that happens is she gets upset with me. She is torn about whether or not she wants a divorce, but she doesn't want me to fight against the EA as she doesn't see anything wrong with it and if she did, we are separated and so it's none of my business what she does.

The OM has absolutely no family here and the ones in Colorado wouldn't care anyway. The one time I confronted him (I saw him walking in a parking lot) I rolled down the window and literally said "hi, my name is XXX, I'm XXX's husband. I just wanted to introduce myself." Within 5 minutes she was texting me telling me to leave her friends alone for the above reasons, they are her friends not mine and that she wanted a divorce. The divorce idea was squashed pretty quickly.

We have 3 kids as well and getting a divorce will make both of us alot poorer and all it would do is make our kids' lives harder. At this point in time, the kids only know that mom is gone 3 days a week. My wife still wants us to be partners for our children, just not emotional romantic partners because she won't trust herself to me again. She does still talk to me from time to time and I'll ask her how her day was and she's receptive, but not for long...within a few minutes she'll say she has to go.

There's no way I can bust this emotional affair right now, I'm not asking how to bust it. I just need to figure out how to live with myself while this whole thing is going on. I honestly believe that eventually she will get tired of the lifestyle she leads and will want to see if we can make things work.
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Old 06-07-2010, 03:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need advice on how to cope while separated.

I have nothing left to say then.

You're telling her you'll keep her no matter what she does to you.

Pretty soon she'll be bringing him home with her when she has to be at your house. And she knows you won't do a damm thing.
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Old 06-07-2010, 03:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need advice on how to cope while separated.

I agree with you and think if you stick in there, she will come around after discovering the grass is not greener. I don't know if there is a potion for endurance and getting through the pain. I can only suggest you busy yourself, even if that means reading a book or two to take your mind away from your troubles. That's what I did after breaking up with a couple boyfriends. I didn't want the relationship anymore but still loved them, and breaking up is hard to do. Dwelling on the pain, missing her, and constantly wanting to communicate with her are what is keeping you into her right now. That's because you still love her and want her back. But I must warn you that after a few days of burying myself in a book and not dwelling on the pain of the breakup, I was almost recovered and nearly out of love. Again, that's because I didn't dwell on it and because I WANTED to get past it. It was much easier to move on after that. So what I'm saying is, you can get through this by not making her and your situation your continual thought process. Do something to occupy your mind so that this doesn't occupy your mind. But afterward, be prepared for a little more ambivalence than you expect.

Last edited by Susan2010; 06-07-2010 at 04:06 PM.
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Old 06-07-2010, 03:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need advice on how to cope while separated.

Um, this is not JUST an emotional affair.

Nobody "sleeps" in the same bed and is not sexually intimate.

Your wife is full-on cheating on you.

I don't agree that you should be fighting for her. It should not be a competition to "make" your wife flip a mental/emotional coin to decide to be with you.

At this point the onus is on her to turn away from screwing up her marriage to you.

But I personally see this as the too late.

Why do you want her back? She doesn't respect you, loves someone else, and has sex with him to boot. And abandons her children to be with him.

Yuck.

Last edited by michzz; 06-07-2010 at 04:41 PM.
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