land2634

Last night was an interesting and revealing night.

I was with a friend of mine at the gym and I started getting messages from my wife's friend from work, who I'll just call Janet. Janet started by asking how I was doing. I responded that I'm just keeping busy and staying occupied. She said, "Well, I bet you don't have it as bad as your wife though!"

I paused a moment to think about whether or not I wanted to take the bait, and decided to ask, "How exactly does she have it so bad?"

She said, "Oh, you know, just that her credit is destroyed and some really childish things like you checking her Facebook chats and being jealous of a guy friend, you know."

I responded, "Hmm... I'm not sure what's going on with her credit, that must be something she did after she left home."

Janet began to get angry: "Oh, don't act like you don't know. You've done this to her. Your jealousy and controlling ways didn't help either. I'm gonna have to stop talking or I'm not going to be very nice."

I calmly said, "Janet, I'm really sorry she's been lying to you. This is why I tried to talk to you a couple of weeks ago when you ignored my phone calls. My wife has been having an affair with Jim for the past few months. It's been building and building, and this is why I was digging for the information that I now have, not because I was trying to be controlling. When things started to get blatantly suspicious, yeah I dug deeper, and while I initially felt guilty, that feeling went away once I found what I found."

Janet said, "She has been loyal to you to the very end! She always spoke so highly of you, and you just ran her off with your little digging. She is not and never has been in an affair. There is nothing but friendship been her and Jim."

"Well, Janet, then why is it that I have a picture of them kissing and holding hands?"

It took about 5 minutes, but she finally responded, "Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it, and I'll be the first to apologize to you."

After I e-mailed her two of the pictures, she was beyond apologetic. She told me she was very sorry how much she had disrespected me. I told her that, in my mind, there was no harm done between us (she had been someone that was somewhat of a mutual friend previously because I had worked with her in the past) because I felt that her reactions were based out of the lies my wife had been telling to all of her friends. I told her that I am still fighting for my marriage and that I hope people like herself will still love my wife without enabling the affair.

I think Janet is very torn right now. She has previously been friends with both Jim and my wife, and now she has found out that they've both been living a secret life while fronting something completely different to their friends, such as herself.

From what I can gather, many people in their workplace are starting to put together what is really going on. The secret aspect of the relationship is falling apart, and I'll be interested to see what happens from there. I truly hope her friend informs the rest of the people in their group of girlfriends what is really going on, especially since they're all friends with Jim as well. I'm somewhat amazed that my wife and Jim have been able to keep this from these friends for as long as they have. I have tried to expose to these people a few times but many of them don't want to hear what I have to say. Maybe the one friend that really knows will be able to get them to listen now.

turnera

Excellent!

Remind me, did you expose to their HR and President?

land2634

I called her general manager, he never returned my phone calls.

I called the HR department and they would not even speak to me because I'm not a current employee

My friend that still works there called HR and informed them. They're supposed to be calling him back any day now to let him know if it's something they will even pursue or if it will just be dropped.

I'm just going to be honest, her place of employment is only one store in the largest consumer electronics company around. That should probably give you a clue as to where she works. With that being said, any tips for maybe getting someone to push forward with this in the HR or corporate office?

Also, she is wanting me to go by the bank to sign some paperwork to get my name off of the car. Am I going to be causing any harm to myself by doing this? As far as I can tell, it will take the responsibility of the payment completely off of me, but I could be wrong.

Affaircare

Oh LAND! Good job with the friend! This is exactly why we tell loyal spouses to expose--because look how many people have heard half-truths about you and spin on their affair! Now that "Janet" knows the truth, I bet she is going to be pretty mad at both your wife and Jim for the lying, for using her against you, and for being used to enable an affair when that's not the kind of person she is.

I have to say, I am very proud of the man you are becoming and the way you're handling yourself.

You asked:
Here's my thought. I don't see any harm in removing your name off the car. From a finance point of view, it would disentangle your responsibility for her payment habits. From an affair point of view, it will not make the affair easier or harder, and she does need a way to get to work (if she still has a job). However, before you sign ANYTHING I would strongly advise at least reading it and possibly saying, "I'd like to run this past my attorney" and then have a buddy who's a lawyer read it over to be sure she's not pulling some stunt.

Be coolish about saying "run this past my attorney." Just say that and don't expound on it at all. It will politely let her know that you do intend to protect yourself and your family.

__________________
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land2634

I'm not going to lie... I feel like I'm reaching the point where I almost don't want things to work out now.

I'm not sure if this is a feeling that will pass, but I'm just feeling indifferent to it all anymore. The hurt and lies that she's put me through are just building and I just don't know if I can care for much longer.

I'll always care about her, but I'm starting to feel like if I continue down this road, I'm going to waste a good portion of my life ignoring everything in the present trying to save something that may not ever work out.

turnera

I would find a lawyer friend to send a letter to their corporate office HR department - on his letterhead.

btw, my daughter works for that company, and I can tell you that their management differs greatly from store to store. You may want to try to find the person in charge of that district.

land2634

Yeah, I worked there for a couple of years in college, and I can say that some of the top management in this particular store is very loose.

bestplayer

with due respect turnera , I think having a lawyer send a letter to their corporate office HR department will be going too much overboard . Exposure is good to some extent but informing all the outsiders of her actions will only make him appear as too desperate IMO.

best of luck

turnera

Possibly, but you can bet it'll get opened and read. His lawyer friend could just say "I am sending this for land, who is dealing with ..."

Feelingalone

Take her to the mat Land -- if you have a lawyer friend have them enlighten upper management. They risk a lawsuit from you for providing an environment which condones such adulterous actions from their married (not to each other) workers.

Don't hold back. I did -- didn't get me anywhere. She is already pissed -- so what. You are doing great. Keep the faith.

Peace.

__________________
"Don't think less of yourself, think of yourself less" ....C.S. Lewis

land2634

My thing at this point is I have literally lost all desire to even work on things. I'm tired of trying to argue with her friends when they contact me, I'm tired of arguing with her, and most of all, she's been so hateful to me that even though I expected it, it's just taken away any desire I had to work on our marriage.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow afternoon to see about some anxiety medication. I didn't think I would have to go to this length, but it's gotten to the point where I'm letting stress and anxiety build, and the smallest thing ends up setting me off into a day-long fit of depression and anger, if that makes sense.

I'm really struggling with trying not to be angry. I'm angry because I feel like I spent the last 7 years of my life revolving everything around someone who likely didn't care about me as much as her own happiness in any given moment.

iamnottheonlyone

I understand entirely. If you can even that keel you might be more willing to work on it. I have checked with a couple of other people, on here and with friends, about the low level anxiety that I have been having. It will pass but it coud take its toll before it does. Those who have taken medication found that it helped greatly with few side affects. If I wasn't so busy now I would go talk to my doctor. The only other way I could see lowering my anxiety level is to associate with women who find me desireable. That is a dangerous route but I am thinking of it as a means of wvoiding medication. There are a number of single women around who have indicated interest..and I am not suggesting sexual or emotional interest on my part. Just some companionship to relieve the axiety..to feel wanted. What do you think?

land2634

My problem is and always has been that I tend to have a low level of confidence around people in general. That isn't to say I don't like myself or anything like that, but it wouldn't surprise me if my doctor assesses that I have social anxiety disorder, which both my dad and brother have been diagnosed with.

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling at this point. I truly feel like the marriage is as good as done. I've lost the desire to even fight the process. I thought I could stand strong, but now I'm asking myself if it's even worth it in the end. Even if she were to come back, we would still have a long road ahead as far as repairing the marriage, and my guess is by then, years will have passed and I'll end up resenting her and myself for waiting around for so long.

turnera

Have you read up about Plan B, from marriagebuilders?

iamnottheonlyone

There is nothing easy about any of this. You have had aome great advice. Most times it is hard to implement. We are in so much pain and our confidence is destroyed. It is all so unattractive. We become unappealing. All of which gets us further down. If you can not work with Plan A then Plan B or moving on are the likely scenarios. Plan A does not stand a chance IMO if you can't hold it together. On the other hand, maybe you are just not ready for Plan A yet. You are still struggling with the pain. It will fade. But as I told you earlier, there can be some really annoying background noise. If you need the medication take it. Then give it some time. Depending on which meds you take, it could be a couple weeks before they have their desired effects. You should be improving emotionally and physically during this time while you also improve from the medication. You know the mantra: patience, patience, patience. I don't talk divorce. Okay.