land2634

I haven't responded to her e-mail yet. I'm trying to decide if I should or not. My feeling is that by not responding, I'm indicating an acceptance of what she says.

Any response would likely include me pointing out that her "wish" could still come true if she so chooses, but it's more an unwillingness to work on our marriage as opposed to "we could never be together again."

I don't know. Not really sure which path to take.

turnera

Well, you know me. My response would be along the lines of...

"Well, I wish you wouldn't have chosen to have an emotional affair and cheat on me, too, but there's nothing we can do to change the past, is there? My hope is that we BOTH can see the mistakes we've made and find a way to continue a path together, forgiving each other and rejoicing in what we have always had in common and loved to share together. But it can't happen with only one person. Maybe some day you'll see the fog you're in and realize you're justifying yourself. Maybe you won't. Just know that, if you do - and if so much time hasn't passed that I've given up on you and moved on - I'll be here to talk about what it would take for both of us to reach that forgiveness."

JMHO

land2634

I never responded. Turns out, it seems she wanted me to.

I'm sorry if it hurts you bc you haven't replied but makes me upset too bc I wanted it to work for so long. It might of if your parents and everyone else you got involved would of just stayed out. So I'm sorry

This is definitely coming from her fog and my second observation is how it almost seems as if she is fishing for me to re-assure her that it can work. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into it.

turnera

Go ahead and just be honest with her. Tell her where you stand.

land2634

I think the response I sent her has left her thinking. Apparently she was teary-eyed at work yesterday.

In talking with one of my really good friends last night, who actually works with her, he was saying even he misses her. She's been incredibly rude to him recently, and in the past she had always been really nice to him. He said he just misses her being nice because it made it a more enjoyable place to work. Interesting to note that her choices and actions definitely affect more than just us. I think maybe she is starting to realize that, whether she admits it or not.

turnera

Did you send something else?

land2634

Sure did. After you said to lay it all out for her, I sent her an e-mail telling her basically that her wish for a great marriage can still come true but we actually have to work on it. I told her that while I love her and have made the choice to honor my vows, it will not last forever without some reciprocation. I mentioned that while I am sorry for the ways in which I extinguished her love for me that it has been very hurtful for her to go outside of our marriage, yet I would still like to rebuild a strong and loving relationship with her.

turnera

Nice!

pathwaystherapy

Sounds like emotional infidelity and a significant boundary violation. I'd suggest you read two of my articles on boundaries and on Facebook, both are separate but on some level connected to the issues you are facing.

Article on Boundaries
Article on Facebook

I'd suggest also seeing a counselor as well. Emotional infidelity can be as painful and complicated as a physical affair.

lobokies

i respect on everything you have done to rebuild your marriage.
but the important thing is you become better everyday in handling this condition.

i wait every update from you

land2634

I still haven't heard from my wife since sending her a response. She may have a lot to digest right now. I'm thinking she is probably question everything that has happened to this point. It's really hard to sit back and wait, but I'm not sure what else to do at this point.

jar

Sitting back and waiting is so hard some times try to keep your self busy….I am with you brother…I am experiencing the same thing too at the moment….

iamnottheonlyone

Quite the thick fog. Stay strong and patient. Things are moving along. You are not a quitter. You have shown that. And you know there will be a lot more disloyal dizziness before the fog clears. You are thinking clearly.

land2634

I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety right now. I feel very angry.

While watching college football with a friend last night, his fiance was there are well, who works with my wife and used to be in their "clique" until she didn't support the affair. She overheard a conversation between my wife and Jim at work in which one of they seemed to be jokingly arguing about who left the air conditioner on the night before. I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

More than any time before, I feel the urge to confront Jim, and maybe give him the respect he deserves by knocking a few teeth out. I know it wouldn't do any good, but it's still a hard thought to get rid of. I'm angry all over again about the level of disrespect he showed by blatantly pursuing my wife. This has led me to go back and read some of their Facebook chats (I know, not exactly healthy for me) and he quite obviously told her at one point, "Yeah, I just decided I wanted to talk to you one day even though we worked at the same place for 3 years and never spoke, so I just brought you some food from Chick-Fil-A for lunch."

I just can't understand how my wife, or anyone for that matter, doesn't see this for what it is. I get the feeling that until she feels pressure from her friends to do the right thing, the affair will continue. The friends that don't support the affair don't want to say anything because they don't want any backlash from the other friends. It's really a tough situation... I just wish people could do the right thing.

Her birthday is coming up soon. I intend to make a DVD for her with memories of us, both video and photo, with a very touching song in the background.

YouTube - Lifehouse - Storm [ Music & Lyrics ]

That is the song. I have listened to it over and over again. It captivated me the first time I heard it, and it helps me relieve some anxiety.

I miss her a lot right now. I keep asking myself how I could miss someone that has no regard for my feelings and emotions, but I can't come up with an answer.

The biggest thing I've struggled with recently is being over-analytical. I've always been someone that analyzes the things people do and say. Before I met my wife, I tended to deal with a lot of social anxiety. She has, to this point in my life, been the only person I've ever felt comfortable around. It's really hard not having her to talk to on a day-to-day basis.

I'm sorry for my rambling. Just having a hard time tonight and I'm really confused.

turnera

Why don't you talk to Jim? In front of everyone at work?

Have you told HR about it?