Guest8786

Oh dear
Calm down, stop thinking about you and her.
Start thinking about you and you and you.
Honestly I feel the more she sees you desperate, the more you're pushing her away.
She might start thinking again if you show her you're not interested any more. She might.
May God bless you and help you.

jar

Wow Land….

I am so sorry to hear this….Do you think she is bluffing…

Don’t do anything give yourself some time to collect your thoughts and calm down. Talk with some friends or family or therapist.

Read some of the advice affaircare gave me a few weeks back when wife and I were at the mediation table. There are ways to drag this out.

You may want to start talking to a layer at this point so that you can better understand what some of your options are at this point.

You’re going to have to stand up for yourself and your rights. It seems like you wife wants a quickie divorce like mine was going for a few weeks ago.

I am thinking of you and know the panic you are experiencing.

JAR

Affaircare

It's clear even from her email that she is still firmly planted in the fog. It will be final in 60 days IF AND ONLY IF you agree to everything, Land. If you and she filed together, you would be "Co-Petitioners" and that means the two of you basically agree on everything: how to split assets, debts, etc. If you do not file together, she would be the "Petitioner" (because she's the one petitioning the court to legally undo the marriage) and you'd be the "Respondent" (because you'd be responding to her petition).

If you don't agree to the divorce, and it's "Petitioner/Respondent" I'd have to check but every state I know of says that the petitioner has to serve the respondent (that costs her money) -AND- the respondent has 30 days to REPLY TO THE PETITION! So on day 29 you file your response with YOUR version of what you think is fair--not her fog-bound, me-me-me version--and you two will not have a divorce in 30 more days I guarantee you.

There are five steps to a divorce, remember?
* 1) Original Petition
* 2) Temporary Orders
* 3) Discovery
* 4) Divorce Mediation
* 5) Divorce Court

So she has filed the original petition. In 29 days (about October 20th) you would respond to her original petition with a reasonable proposal that is based in reality! Next the court would schedule a meeting for the temporary orders. Until the court orders you to do anything, I personally suggest either paying her NOTHING or paying her what you, Land, can see will be declared child support. If you two have no children, and she is able to work and has been working--you can not prove for sure she'd get alimony at all so I'd say pay her zero. So schedule the date for Temporary Orders (which is usually about 30 days down the road or Nov. 20th) and on day 25 or so request a reschedule which would put it about 30 MORE days down the road, which is getting into the Holiday season and New Years when every government office has tons of days off and schedules are a mess. That means it would be early next year 2011, before you even get to the Temporary Orders part!

Now Temp Orders are pretty important because the court tends to "keep things as they are" unless it's really obvious (like a father of 3 who's been paying no Child Support for all these months), so these meeting is one you'll want to go to and have a pretty good legal representative. I guarantee you it will not feel fair to you, because the judge doesn't give a rip that your wife is being adulterous and tearing your heart out. S/He just wants to be "all business." At some point you will lose something you thought was important or something dear to you, and that's why you need your lawyer--to act as your representative and argue logically when you feel all emotional.

Once Temp Orders are in place, usually there will be a date scheduled for "Discovery" and that means that both your side and her side can ask for info. So you would subpoena her paycheck stubs, bank records, taxes, etc. to prove that she's making more money than you and she should pay YOU alimony (for example). Obviously this takes time and is usually given 60-90 days because your side would have to file papers to request info from her side, etc. You can ask her question she HAS to answer (call interrogatories) but they have to be relevant to the divorce; you can ask for document/records; you can ask her for permission to release information (that means you'd go to the credit company and request her record); or you can do a deposition. You would subpoena and depose any individuals who may have information relevant to the case--like The Other Man for instance! The company who supported the affair! Her friends who encouraged the marital breakup! As you might imagine, this part can get expensive so that's something to bear in mind, but it can also REALLY slow things down if she's not forthcoming!!!

Then, before the final settlement trial there's also usually court-mandated mediation and many states also have the option for court-mandated counseling. All you'd have to do is tell the court that you DO think it's reconcilable and the court would ORDER 30 days of marriage counseling. She would have to go or it would harm her divorce case! Again...another stall of 30 days or more!

So Land, as you can see there is really (oddly) plenty of time. The average divorce in the USA takes about a year, and her dream of 60 days might be the minimum limit in your state, but that doesn't mean it actually happens that fast.

********
There is one caveat on this, Land. As you can see it would be easy to stall for close to a year, but at some point I could see you reaching the conclusion that you're done. If that's the case, then I remind you of a few facts. You fought a long, hard fight. You stayed faithful and stood for your marriage in the face of devastating pain. You did the right thing when it was hard, and day-after-day you patiently loved a woman who made a mistake...hoping she would see the light and do the right thing. That says a LOT about you. It is within your moral right to be done and end your marriage due to adultery (you don't have to exercise that right, but you can). I don't think ANYONE would think any less of you if you did make that choice either. So if you are done, it is okay to reach an agreement with her that you sincerely think is as fair as it's gonna get, and sign the papers. If you are done, you may as well get it over with, and if you believe it's fair, it's your decision to make. Okay?

We are here for ya, land.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

land2634

Thank you for the help. I am still at a point where I would love to see her come out of this fog. When I didn't respond within an hour of her e-mail, she sent another one:

I'm really sorry. I know your hurt but everyone should of just stayed out of our business. Our lives will get better but for now its gonna be hard. I'm sorry

How can she pin this on people who were encouraging her to go back to her marriage? Definitely the fog...

turnera

And you do NOT have to meet with her just to let her do this. I would reply: "I see. I have no time to see you right now."

turnera

Crazy.

Affaircare

Dear Land:

I'm sorry, but I have to divorce you because all of our family members and friends kept telling me I had to keep my promise and honor my marriage vows. Our marriage could have worked out if only they had not told me to be faithful and stop my infidelity! Darn family members--it's THEIR fault, not me.

~Mrs.Land

Anyone else's Spidey Sense tingling over the silliness of that one? Land, I'm not trying to be disrespectful to your wife, but your analysis that she's still in the fog is very, VERY, VERY correct. The good news is that when she begins taking personal responsibility for her own choices (rather than blaming others), you'll know that she's out of the fog and if that were to occur it should be fairly easy to see.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

iamnottheonlyone

I am so sorry to hear this. You can do nothing. You can say no, I don't agree. You don't have to cooperate. The process will move forward with out you. But you don't have to be part of it until the money issues are raised. Is there property you need to be conderned about. I don't remember.

iamnottheonlyone

AC under her name just put up a post about what to do in your case. Take a look.

land2634

Just got done meeting with her. We sat and talked for nearly 2 hours. She bawled during the point in which she gave me the paperwork.

I'm no attorney, but from what I can tell, she gave me a copy of the original petition, and then also gave me the form she asked for me to sign. It is called "Waiver of Service" and basically seems as if I waive most of my rights by signing it.

Also, it seems that temporary orders were already attached. Sounds like I need to get in touch with an attorney...

Affaircare

Right, you are served with a copy of the original petition. That's kind of like "her version" of the legal request for a divorce. It's what she's asking for.

"Waiver of Service" means "I waive my right to have a sheriff serve me the papers" and it does not mean that you sign away any rights other than that she can hand you the papers. Otherwise, she has to get another person who's age 18yo or older ... or hire a sheriff to "serve" you. They do that so you can't say, "Well I never got the papers!" Someone signs for these papers--its either you, or a sheriff who says, "I put those papers in his hand." So a Waiver of Service is not bad.

The temporary orders attached to the petition are her version, and they are what would go into effect if you do not reply within the 30 days (or whatever the rule is in your state). So if you file your response with the court on day 31...her version is the Temporary Order. If you counter-file YOUR version on let's say day 25, you have stalled and also you can say what you think is a more fair version...and then a Temporary Order Hearing would be scheduled for about 30 days after day 25! You've stalled for 55 days or almost two months and that pretty much kills her idea of "this will be over in 60 days" doesn't it?

But yes, I do suggest getting in touch with an attorney if for no other reason than to look over what she proposed and what you propose, and then give suggestions or feedback. And I would also STRONGLY suggest reading up on the divorce laws in your state. No one knows your sitch like you do, Land, and you're the one who's going to have to live with what you decide to do. So you need to be informed and steer this ship.

If you need help finding your state's divorce laws, or need help putting it into human being English, send me a PM. You can also contact me through my website ya know!

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

land2634

Thanks, this makes a little more sense now.

I got the impression last night that she doesn't really want this, but feels it is too late to turn back. At one point, she actually said, "I really wish it could work out, but I don't believe it can."

That could be fog-talk, but she seemed very genuine in that statement and I'm normally fairly perceptive when she says things of that nature. I really think she believes she will look like a fool and her friends will look down upon her if she turns back now. I'm not sure they'd be the most supportive, but I doubt they would push her away.

turnera

Then I would focus on that! Ask her friends and family to talk to her! Ask them to tell her that they WANT her to return to her marriage!

Tanelornpete

Pride (and the accompanying embarrassment) often is the reason people will go through with a divorce they don't really want.

This is not fog talk - fog talk is a distortion of reality; this is reality pushing through - a moment of clarity. This is the best sign I've seen for you in a long time: definitely focus on it. Stall the divorce as long as you can, notify her that you know it can work out and that you are her best friend, and that you want her back in your life. Tell her your door is open and you are home waiting for her.

Let her friends and family know this! Yes, the cost of lying to people is that you lose some of them, but true friends will still be there. People who love her will still be there.

Affaircare

This is something I would encourage you to focus on and if possible, use to your advantage.

I'm going to open up and tell you something a little personal. When a disloyal is involved in an affair--through a class at school or work--there are other people around that become acquaintance-friends and who know about the relationship. They may or may not know the disloyal is married, and when they find out, they may or may not say something. But they are people whom the disloyal met whom they would call a "friend," and they are often the type of person who would encourage infidelity or divorce. Maybe it's because the friend was also unfaithful and they want to justify their own actions. Maybe it's because they divorced their own spouse and they don't want to feel bad for what they did.

To your wife, it is very likely going to feel like if she returns to the marriage, she'll lose all her "friends" and the only people who will be left are people who look down on her or will forever hold it against her--like your parents or a certain siblings whose that judgmental kind of christian. So why would she give up people she cares about--"friends"--for people who are going to see her as "the cheater" for the rest of her life? Also she's built her life, separate from you, such that all her interactions and activities are interwoven with these "friends." They work or go to class together, hang out together, text and chat together...all of that will be gone!

So can you see why she can't see it?

At the time when I was ending my affair, I kept thinking I would be so lonely and the only person I'd have in my life was a person who ignored me in the first place! I kept thinking of all the people I really cared about whom I'd never get to talk to again, and it seemed like such a huge cost! Now granted, in reality that is part of the cost a disloyal pays for making the choice to be unfaithful...but as a loyal spouse does this help you to envision why it seems so hopeless to her?

I would recommend something like talking with your parents or whoever you think she's worried about, and asking them to specifically reach out to her and say something like, "We miss you and consider you part of our family. Yep it hurt, but the whole point of family is a close-knit bond that supports each other through the good stuff and the bad." Maybe take her to lunch let her know how many people are praying for her and encouraging her to return and are willing to help walk her through if she does! (Remember: the "friends" she's with now only say that other side out loud, so she needs to hear the side about returning out loud just as much.)

And yes, she would have to give up probably her job at that store/site, and give up her "friends" that have encouraged infidelity, but in their place, you are willing to take some time off just to take care of her and spend some time together like a mini-vacation. It would be just the two of you doing something FUN (and then mention a place she's always wanted to go and you never had the time). Thereafter, you two pick an activity that you both like (such as a certain sport or hobby or whatever recreation) and start doing that together as a couple. She'll make new friends who know her MARRIAGE relationship and know it's "Land and Mrs.Land", and who encourage her in her marriage!

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!