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Old 06-14-2010, 01:20 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Thanks for the insight.

It makes sense. Her mother has always been someone that interrupts people a lot when they talk, and I'm sure that's partially attributable to why my wife holds things in.

I've normally considered myself a pretty good listener, but at the same time, if she doesn't feel like I'm doing the right kind of listening, I guess it's all fruitless. I need to make sure, on my end, that I'm showing her that no matter what, I support her, and even though we not always agree, I will still hear her out and respect whatever she has to say.
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Old 06-14-2010, 04:21 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

I'm not really sure why (well I guess I am), but I'm feeling a lot of anxiety lately, especially today.

I'm trying to focus on other things besides just my wife, but I find myself having fairly frequent panic attacks.

Has anyone else experienced significant appetite problems during this period of time after discovering an affair? I've lost 17 pounds since June 1, and I find it hard to eat much when I can sit down and eat.
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Old 06-14-2010, 08:28 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

We all do. I lost about 10. It is to be expected. After 7 weeks I have just started to get my appetite back. My anxiety is lessening. But I have up and down days. Why do we have such problems. For those who find out about an affair and just move on recovery probably comes quickly. The marriage died. Thay buried it. Morned and went on. For those of us who have not given up not only did the mariage die, but now we are spending tremendous effort to bring it back to life. This is so much more difficult and painful.
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Old 06-14-2010, 10:27 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

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Originally Posted by iamnottheonlyone View Post
This is so much more difficult and painful.
Yet hopefully so much more satisfying in the end. I still hold out hope... she is helping out her friend with some wedding stuff right now (the wedding is this upcoming weekend), but she told me she wanted to have some "alone time" when she got home. I'm not entirely sure what she meant by it (you have to understand my wife as to why I don't know what she meant), but it definitely sounded good and sincere. We'll see. I've been trying not to look desperate and I've been trying to just show her my best side.
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Old 06-15-2010, 01:34 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Turns out she was sweet-talking me so she could make herself feel better about lying. She still isn't at home. She made it to her friend's... an hour after she left. I checked the phone log and see that she spend a good 45 minutes on the phone with Jim before heading to her friend's.

It's going to be a long night...
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Old 06-15-2010, 04:08 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

I'll be here about 9:30am PT/noon:30 ET to check on you two. Just so you know, having "no contact" is not something that can happen gradually. This article might explain it well: http://affaircare.com/Articles/NoContact.htm The very best way is to end it, entirely and forever. The problem is that she has to want the "no contact" so badly that SHE chooses to do it. You can not make her or force her to actually do "no contact--she has to choose it and then police herself, otherwise this sort of thing will just happen over and over.

So there are two things you can do. You can write "Jim" a letter that calmly but factually states, "Hello. I am "Wife's" husband. We have been married XX years and I love her very much. I understand you may have feelings for my wife, but you should know know that I made a commitment to devote all of my affection and loyalty to my wife and I intend to honor that vow in every way I can. I would like to ask you to stop seeing "Wife" as she is a very married woman, so we can work on our marriage. Thank you." I mean--just tell the guy straight out! Plus ask him to leave her alone! He may not know she's married.

But on the official "plan" please let your wife know that you are fully aware she was in contact again and in order to keep you and stay in the marriage, she needs to end the affair--completely. To show you her willingness to end the affair, she needs to do three things:

1) write a No Contact letter to the OM that she gives to you and you send (that way it's not a love letter, but "we can't be together because it's not our fate" kind of garbage ).

2) give you access to all of her emails, facebooks, accounts, chats, chat logs, cell phone, cell phone bill, etc. so that she is indicating to you that she will be open with you and you can check up on her to verify her honesty.

3) agree to work with you to rebuild the marriage. This means that she voluntarily agrees that she will put her energies into creating love in THIS relationship and focus her thoughts and feelings on being a better wife, working on questionnaires or books etc. together, and spending time with you to reconnect.

Okay--I'll check on you tomorrow.
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Old 06-15-2010, 08:13 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

One thing you have to keep doing is reiterating - as many times as it takes, and as irritating as it gets - that you will NOT keep her if she won't get rid of OM. PERIOD.

She HAS to understand she doesn't get to keep you, the house, the money, the family...nothing - if she doesn't dump OM.

She NEEDS you to show some strength here, NOT to be nice. Plan A and nice are NOT the same thing. Plan A is being an amazing catch, while making it absolutely clear you love yourself too much to SHARE her.
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Old 06-15-2010, 09:29 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
I'll be here about 9:30am PT/noon:30 ET to check on you two. Just so you know, having "no contact" is not something that can happen gradually. This article might explain it well: The Purpose Of No Contact The very best way is to end it, entirely and forever. The problem is that she has to want the "no contact" so badly that SHE chooses to do it. You can not make her or force her to actually do "no contact--she has to choose it and then police herself, otherwise this sort of thing will just happen over and over.

So there are two things you can do. You can write "Jim" a letter that calmly but factually states, "Hello. I am "Wife's" husband. We have been married XX years and I love her very much. I understand you may have feelings for my wife, but you should know know that I made a commitment to devote all of my affection and loyalty to my wife and I intend to honor that vow in every way I can. I would like to ask you to stop seeing "Wife" as she is a very married woman, so we can work on our marriage. Thank you." I mean--just tell the guy straight out! Plus ask him to leave her alone! He may not know she's married.

But on the official "plan" please let your wife know that you are fully aware she was in contact again and in order to keep you and stay in the marriage, she needs to end the affair--completely. To show you her willingness to end the affair, she needs to do three things:

1) write a No Contact letter to the OM that she gives to you and you send (that way it's not a love letter, but "we can't be together because it's not our fate" kind of garbage ).

2) give you access to all of her emails, facebooks, accounts, chats, chat logs, cell phone, cell phone bill, etc. so that she is indicating to you that she will be open with you and you can check up on her to verify her honesty.

3) agree to work with you to rebuild the marriage. This means that she voluntarily agrees that she will put her energies into creating love in THIS relationship and focus her thoughts and feelings on being a better wife, working on questionnaires or books etc. together, and spending time with you to reconnect.

Okay--I'll check on you tomorrow.
Hi, thanks for the response. I know Jim, I worked with him for 2 years. He definitely knows we are married.

I think my problem to this point is that I've been too nice. Maybe I've made her feel like it's ok to "ween" off of this. I have access to everything except for her cell phone. I haven't asked to see it, but I need to do that.

Just to be sure, where can I find an exact step-by-step of what Plan A entails? I'd like to be sure I'm following the protocol here.

Thanks again!
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Old 06-15-2010, 04:32 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Ok, here's a question for today.

She continues to talk to him on the phone for lengthy periods of time. She works until 10 tonight. Would printing the call log and handing it to her when she walks in and asking her to talk be a good way of approaching the situation?
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Old 06-15-2010, 05:19 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Yep. Along with having her suitcase packed and sitting next to the door when you do it.

What you do is say "I will NOT allow you to live here and disrespect our marriage. If you will not stop talking to him while you are MARRIED, you need to leave." It's time to man up.
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Old 06-15-2010, 06:40 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by land2634
...She continues to talk to him on the phone for lengthy periods of time. She works until 10 tonight. Would printing the call log and handing it to her when she walks in and asking her to talk be a good way of approaching the situation?
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera
Yep. Along with having her suitcase packed and sitting next to the door when you do it.

What you do is say "I will NOT allow you to live here and disrespect our marriage. If you will not stop talking to him while you are MARRIED, you need to leave." It's time to man up.
I have to politely disagree with my esteemed colleague--not so much in theory but in methodology. Okay that's fancy talk for I think I disagree with the actions turnera suggests, but not necessarily the reasoning or WHY.

I hate to keep referring people to my articles--but they have it all written out rather than having to retype it over and over! Okay anyway, land, I refer you to The Purpose Of No Contact because I believe it is important for you to have a very FIRM grip on why there has to be NO CONTACT and why she can never, ever contact the OM again. When you have that solid in your mind, I believe you can proceed.

When she comes home, our very second step about how to end an affair is "Confront" and in that step you speak to your wife, face-to-face, and let her know that you have proof the affair is continuing and you will not accept that. Then you ask her right out loud to end the affair and give you 3 things to prove her willingness to really end it:

1) NO CONTACT--she has to write the OM a no contact letter and give it to you to send to him (that way it won't be a love letter "but fate won't allow us to be together" kind of b.s.). She agrees to never, ever contact him again--NOT EVEN AT WORK--and since she has proven she is not able to control herself at work, she needs to either transfer to a new location within the company, ask him to transfer, or she has to quit her job. And yep--it's that serious. Do not agree to let her "trail it off" or gradually
2) Access to all accounts, emails, passwords, facebooks, cellphones, forums, chats, etc. It is up to her to prove to you that you can trust her, and one way to do that she has to be willing to be open and honest with you and not hide things and be secretive. Thus yep she may feel like you're "checking up on her" and yet this is a direct consequence of her lying.
3) Agree to actually put work and effort and energy into THIS relationship and working on herself and building a whole new marriage.

I would not confront her with the call logs printed out because then she would know your method of "snoop-ology" and usually a disloyal will either change the password so you can't see, change from the phone to something else, etc. Don't let her KNOW how you know or what you do to verify her honesty--just let her know that you KNOW! Don't be shaken; don't let her justify it; don't let her explain it away...and don't give her a clue how you know.

Next, I wouldn't kick her out just yet. Usually if you jump the gun and kick out a disloyal, then they play the victim: "He treated me like cr@p for years and then when I got a job he kicked me out for becoming myself...." blah-blah-blah. Thus, I would recommend confronting her--definitely! I would recommend being firm and not being swayed to the left or right--definitely. I would recommend giving her the chance to do the right thing first. Then I would recommend being firm: "Either the affair ends and you agree NO CONTACT tonight, right now...or you choose to continue contact with the other man and pack and leave right now. Which do YOU choose? You are free to make your own decisions about your own life, but I will not accept an unfaithful life partner in my life." This means that SHE MADE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE--you didn't make her or force her or kick her out. She chose it! And you did not give up your "snoop-ology" method.

She will most likely bulk at that no contact, transfer or quit your job...but don't buckle. No contact is direly important.
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Last edited by Affaircare; 06-15-2010 at 06:48 PM.
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Old 06-15-2010, 06:43 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
I have to politely disagree with my esteemed colleague--not so much in theory but in methodology. Okay that's fancy talk for I think I disagree with the actions turnera suggests, but not necessarily the reasoning or WHY.

I hate to keep referring people to my articles--but they have it all written out rather than having to retype it over and over! Okay anyway, land, I refer you to The Purpose Of No Contact because I believe it is important for you to have a very FIRM grip on why there has to be NO CONTACT and why she can never, ever contact the OM again. When you have that solid in your mind, I believe you can proceed.

When she comes home, our very second step about how to end an affair is "Confront" and in that step you speak to your wife, face-to-face, and let her know that you have proof the affair is continuing and you will not accept that. Then you ask her right out loud to end the affair and give you 3 things to prove her willingness to really end it:

1) NO CONTACT--she has to write the OM a no contact letter and give it to you to send to him (that way it won't be a love letter "but fate won't allow us to be together" kind of b.s.). She agrees to never, ever contact him again--NOT EVEN AT WORK--and since she has proven she is not able to control herself at work, she needs to either transfer to a new location within the company, ask him to transfer, or she has to quit her job. And yep--it's that serious. Do not agree to let her "trail it off" or gradually
2) Access to all accounts, emails, passwords, facebooks, cellphones, forums, chats, etc. It is up to her to prove to you that you can trust her, and one way to do that she has to be willing to be open and honest with you and not hide things and be secretive. Thus yep she may feel like you're "checking up on her" and yet this is a direct consequence of her lying.
3) Agree to actually put work and effort and energy into THIS relationship and working on herself and building a whole new marriage.

I would not confront her with the call logs printed out because then she would know your method of "snoop-ology" and usually a disloyal will either change the password so you can't see, change from the phone to something else, etc. Don't let her KNOW how you know or what you do to verify her honesty--just let her know that you KNOW! Don't be shaken; don't let her justify it; don't let her explain it away...and don't give her a clue how you know.

Next, I wouldn't kick her out just yet. Usually if you jump the gen and kick out a disloyal then they play the victim: "He treated me like cr@p for years and then when I got a job he kicked me out for becoming myself...." blah-blah-blah. Thus, I would recommend confronting her--definitely! I would recommend being firm and not being swayed to the left or right--definitely. I would recommend giving her the chance to do the right thing first. Then I would recommend being firm: "Either the affair ends and you agree NO CONTACT tonight, right now...or you choose to continue contact with the other man and pack and leave right now. Which do YOU choose? You are free to make your own decisions about your own life, but I will not accept an unfaithful life partner in my life." This means that SHE MADE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE--you didn't make her or force her or kick her out. She chose it! And you did not give up your "snoop-ology" method.

She will most likely bulk at that no contact, transfer or quit your job...but don't buckle. No contact is direly important.
This makes sense. Hopefully I can stay firm and make this happen tonight.
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Old 06-15-2010, 07:47 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Don't ask her to leave. It is much harder to recover your marriage with her out of the house. Having her leave is a bad idea.
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Old 06-15-2010, 08:37 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

NOTE TO SELF: Not always IANTOO. That is to say, it is not reasonable to have a disloyal spouse in the house blatantly flaunting their lover in front of you, talking on the cell right in front of you, etc.

What I usually advise is that when the disloyal says "You have to move out (...so I can move my lover in...) don't fall for it and don't move out. This puts a crimp in the affair because the loyal is demonized and supposed to disappear, and the disloyal gets the house, the kids, all the money ... and the new lover and everyone is "happy for them." When they get a glimpse of "real life" (loyal doesn't disappear, loyal gets the house and custody, disloyal has to pay child support and cant' really live on what's left and people are hurt and upset about the lover) it adds some reality to their affair-fantasy.

Also on the occasion when a disloyal just WILL NOT end the affair, a loyal can say "This is our marital home. I do not choose to have an affair conducted in the home of our family and our marriage. I am not leaving our marriage or our home so if you want to conduct this affair, please do so elsewhere." That's when the disloyal usually leaves. They'll crash at a friend's house or get their own apartment...and you can't stop them but whether they had stayed home or moved out, they were DETERMINED to continue their affair. So either way--it's not too good IANTOO and usually it's not the moving out so much as the hardening the heart and being stubborn and too prideful to admit they are wrong.
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Old 06-15-2010, 09:20 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Gotcha. Keep spoonfeeding me. But let me wipe my own chin.
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