Originally Posted by land2634
...She continues to talk to him on the phone for lengthy periods of time. She works until 10 tonight. Would printing the call log and handing it to her when she walks in and asking her to talk be a good way of approaching the situation?
Originally Posted by turnera
Yep. Along with having her suitcase packed and sitting next to the door when you do it.
What you do is say "I will NOT allow you to live here and disrespect our marriage. If you will not stop talking to him while you are MARRIED, you need to leave." It's time to man up.
I have to politely disagree with my esteemed colleague--not so much in theory but in methodology. Okay that's fancy talk for I think I disagree with the actions turnera suggests, but not necessarily the reasoning or WHY.
I hate to keep referring people to my articles--but they have it all written out rather than having to retype it over and over!
Okay anyway, land, I refer you to The Purpose Of No Contact
because I believe it is important for you to have a very FIRM grip on why there has to be NO CONTACT and why she can never, ever contact the OM again. When you have that solid in your mind, I believe you can proceed.
When she comes home, our very second step about how to end an affair is "Confront" and in that step you speak to your wife, face-to-face, and let her know that you have proof the affair is continuing and you will not accept that. Then you ask her right out loud to end the affair and give you 3 things to prove her willingness to really end it:
1) NO CONTACT--she has to write the OM a no contact letter and give it to you to send to him (that way it won't be a love letter "but fate won't allow us to be together" kind of b.s.). She agrees to never, ever contact him again--NOT EVEN AT WORK--and since she has proven she is not able to control herself at work, she needs to either transfer to a new location within the company, ask him to transfer, or she has to quit her job. And yep--it's that serious. Do not agree to let her "trail it off" or gradually
2) Access to all accounts, emails, passwords, facebooks, cellphones, forums, chats, etc. It is up to her to prove to you that you can trust her, and one way to do that she has to be willing to be open and honest with you and not hide things and be secretive. Thus yep she may feel like you're "checking up on her" and yet this is a direct consequence of her lying.
3) Agree to actually put work and effort and energy into THIS relationship and working on herself and building a whole new marriage.
I would not confront her with the call logs printed out because then she would know your method of "snoop-ology" and usually a disloyal will either change the password so you can't see, change from the phone to something else, etc. Don't let her KNOW how you know or what you do to verify her honesty--just let her know that you KNOW! Don't be shaken; don't let her justify it; don't let her explain it away...and don't give her a clue how you know.
Next, I wouldn't kick her out just yet. Usually if you jump the gun and kick out a disloyal, then they play the victim: "He treated me like cr@p for years and then when I got a job he kicked me out for becoming myself...." blah-blah-blah. Thus, I would recommend confronting her--definitely! I would recommend being firm and not being swayed to the left or right--definitely. I would recommend giving her the chance to do the right thing first. Then I would recommend being firm: "Either the affair ends and you agree NO CONTACT tonight, right now...or you choose to continue contact with the other man and pack and leave right now. Which do YOU choose? You are free to make your own decisions about your own life, but I will not accept an unfaithful life partner in my life." This means that SHE MADE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE--you didn't make her or force her or kick her out. She chose it! And you did not give up your "snoop-ology" method.
She will most likely bulk at that no contact, transfer or quit your job...but don't buckle. No contact is direly important.