Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

251K views 639 replies 56 participants last post by  Jonesey 
#1 ·
First, I'd like to offer a little bit of backstory.

My wife and myself have been married for just over two years. About a year ago, she began complaining of pain all over her body. Fast forward to this February, she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. She's only 23 years old.

She fell into a state of depression for a long while and we grew distant. I was there for her the best way I knew how, but since we didn't communicate very well throughout the process, we failed at meeting the emotional needs of one another during a tough time.

In April, she began talking to a guy she works with, whom I actually know. They had worked together for three years but never really spoken much to one another. When she began to have insomnia in relation to the medication for her arthritis, she began devoting her late-night time to talking to him on Facebook chats.

Initially, it didn't bother me because the common belief was that the guy, whom I will refer to as Jim, was gay. As days passed, she began to spend more and more time online talking to him, and instead of doing it right next to me, she would sit in the recliner in the corner of the room as if to hide the chat.

Then came the point where she began to hang out with him more frequently. At first, other girlfriends from her workplace were present. As time drifted into late April, I began to suspect she was hanging out with him alone.

My suspicion began to take a life of its own when she "went out with the girls" to say farewell to another female co-worker who was moving the next day. I found out, however, that plenty of guys were around, including Jim, when a mutual friend posted pictures on Facebook.

As the month of May rolled around, she began to grow more and more distant. Still talking to him online, she began to lie to me in order to be around him. First, she began to use the "going out with the girls" excuse, and while one girl from work was present, he was there as well.

She began to claim she wasn't taking lunch breaks, yet I found out otherwise when I went to her workplace to get money from her for lunch and she was walking in with Jim with food in hand. I confronted her about lying to me.

She assured me Jim is "just a friend," which I know is never a good sign. As my suspicions grew, I began to log her Facebook chats without her knowledge.

She has continually assured me that she feels our marriage is getting back on track, slowly but surely, yet she told him in their chats that she was pretending everything is ok to make me happy.

Fast-forward to last night, she was again up late. I got up at one point to grab some water, and she acted very jumpy, making me suspicious. I just got home from work an hour ago (she is at work right now) and checked the Facebook log. Indeed, Jim and my wife confessed immense feelings for each other, of which Jim said they could never act upon.

She confessed to him that she compares me to him all the time, and can't stop thinking about him.

This hurts!

I don't know what to do... on one hand, I feel like I should say something and ask her to cease all non-work related contact with him, but on the other, I feel as if she has to come to this realization on her own. The fact that she hasn't left me tells me that she doesn't want to throw away our commitment to one another in one day.

Based on their conversations, I have deduced that nothing physical has happened, although it doesn't make the pain any less hurtful. I don't know what to do.
 
See less See more
#617 ·
^ Nah, don't even give her that.

I wouldn't even respond. You already told her you thought she'd said what she needed to say before. No more discussing. She's part of your past. Leave her there.

She either finally understood what she did and how bad it was and how many people it effected OR she realized the grass wasn't greener and the guilt stems from there.

Either way, not your problem anymore! Carry on!



 
#619 ·
I just finished reading this thread and it’s a good example of why Plan A does not work. I wanted to scream at my monitor 90% of the time. All Plan A did in this situation was enabled the affair and actually pushed her to finalize the divorce.

I made all the same mistakes Land did and even had a couple of false Rs along the way. My W filed in Jan 09 and I too tried to postpone it. This was after the second failed R and she moved in with the OM a month later. I went NC with plans to wait her out (I knew it would fail with the OM in time) but I ended up getting my strength back and started dating. Instead of trying to stop the D, I PUSH for it to be over as quickly as possible so I could get on with my life w/o her.

This didn’t sit well for her and she put the brakes on the D real fast. Nothing stops a D faster than actually agreeing to it.

We are 2 years in R now and I honestly believe when I decided I wanted out of the marriage and was over my W that is what brought her around and made her earn my affection back.

If there was a chance to have save this it would had been from a 180/Plan B approach. There’s still a chance that down the road she may want to try again but that will be AFTER Land has moved on and lost interest in her. They only come back when they think they lost you for good.
 
#624 ·
So JAR and I have a chance to think about how we would respond if such a thing happened to us. Now that my W's sister has done the same thing they can mutually support their errors. I doubt I will ever get such a notice. Let the guilt eat at her. It appears she has a conscience. There is soul lurking in the dark. Does she feel bad for you or for herself?
 
#630 ·
Hey Jonesey, I'm doing just great. Near the middle of August, I started a new job. So far, that's been going well.

I've sort of been back on the dating scene a little, but nothing serious has really come to fruition as of yet. I still go to the gym and do the things I've come to enjoy over time. What's been really great is I've been able to go to more baseball games this year, something I didn't get to do much over the years. I'll be at a World Series game on Sunday with a good friend (who interestingly has Jim, the other man from the affair, as his supervisor at work). Overall, it's just going well. Obviously, life can change at a moment's notice, but I'm well-equipped to handle the challenges thrown my way.
 
#634 ·
Hey everyone. I felt inclined to touch base today in an effort to help anyone out there going through the pain and trauma of an affair.

Some of you may remember me, while others may need to read through my story in this thread. It's amazing how much someone can grow as a person in what has now amounted to around 2 years since my now ex-wife began walking down the path toward having an affair.

I am in a dating relationship right now. It's been going very well. She knows of my past and accepts that it is a part of what has helped shape me into the person I am today. It feels really nice to be around someone that respects me, and obviously to use some of the tools I have equipped myself with over the last 2 years in order to get the most out of the relationship as possible.

For anyone reading this that has been thinking it seems hopeless: never give up. Whatever you do with your life, always do it with the goal of being the best person you can be. Sometimes, that will mean making sacrifices for others. Maybe you'll need to be that person that steps in and attempts to tell a friend that his/her affair is wrong. Whatever the case may be, all of that hurt you are feeling now will come back to make you stronger later, should you let it.

For anyone nearing the end of a marriage, lacking any real sense of direction: Stay patient. Don't make knee-jerk decisions because you feel like you MUST do something now in order to "move on". Just work on yourself. Don't let society tell you how you're supposed to move on. Everyone has their own timeline, and that coupled with the fantastic tools provided by many on this forum, you're in good hands.

In any case, that's all I wanted to say. I really hope this continues to be a story of hope for anyone that comes across it.
 
#636 ·
For anyone reading this that has been thinking it seems hopeless: never give up. Whatever you do with your life, always do it with the goal of being the best person you can be. Sometimes, that will mean making sacrifices for others. Maybe you'll need to be that person that steps in and attempts to tell a friend that his/her affair is wrong. Whatever the case may be, all of that hurt you are feeling now will come back to make you stronger later, should you let it.

For anyone nearing the end of a marriage, lacking any real sense of direction: Stay patient. Don't make knee-jerk decisions because you feel like you MUST do something now in order to "move on". Just work on yourself. Don't let society tell you how you're supposed to move on. Everyone has their own timeline, and that coupled with the fantastic tools provided by many on this forum, you're in good hands.

In any case, that's all I wanted to say. I really hope this continues to be a story of hope for anyone that comes across it.
Thank you for your encouragement, advice and words of hope. Patience seems to be one of the hardest virtues to keep in play, for me at least.
 
#635 ·
It's good to read that you're finally moving on. Are you still responding to her attempts to fish? I certainly hope that you're still not her back up plan. This is a woman that was spreading false accusations that you were beating her and completely disrespecting you and rubbing her affair in your face.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top