land2634

I was wondering this in the back of my mind. I knew I needed to let my feelings of anger subside from his comments before really coming to any conclusions about what just happened, but I can definitely see an opportunity to be the calm voice of reason in this scenario.

turnera

Oh, I agree! You owe your friend a sixpack to thank him! Can you imagine how stupid Jerkwad Jim looks now?

land2634

My thought is this (keep in mind these were Jim's words, not mine): Jim is so mature as to challenge my friend by saying, "Why don't you go 69 Land if you two are such close friends?" What else does he say about everything going on? What does he say to people around him about how he "stole a man's wife" and whatnot?

turnera

Now that the cat's out of the bag (I assume there were others in the room), how about asking your friend to keep the conversation going, a la talking to other people about what Jim is doing? See if he can stir up some dust in their affairland.

land2634

There was one other person in the room (one of Jim and my wife's mutual friends). Nonetheless, I already received a text from another friend saying that Jim is a total (jerk) for all of this and that he heard what happened in the break room.

turnera

Great! Ask him to keep spreading the good word!

Tell him that you still want your wife back, despite it all, and if he would help you by keeping the subject going, it would help drive her and Jim to a decision.

land2634

Well, I just got done hanging out with my friend and we talked some more about the break room confrontation. The more I find out, the more obvious it is that my wife definitely feels trapped. My friend overheard Jim making dinner plans on both of their behalf. It also explains why, when we met last week, at about exactly 11:30, my wife said she had to go.

While my friend was letting Jim have it, it became apparent Jim had no idea that she has kept contact with me at all. He likely has no idea she sat and talked with me for 2 hours last week (which was her idea, not mine). Imagine his shock that she is "sneaking" around behind his back... how dare she have contact with her husband?

All sarcasm aside though, I must find someone who will speak to her about this. She has pretty much shut out anyone who initially took my side. I've sent an e-mail out to a couple of her friends, but with no response. I feel like I'm hitting a dead end on that front, but maybe an opportunity will present itself.

turnera

That's a great idea.

land2634

OH! I almost forgot!

Jim claims that what's going on is NOT and never was an affair. "It's called something else." He couldn't say exactly what that is though. I thought this was rather amusing.

jar

That’s the funniest thing I have heard all day….He cant even admit the truth to him self.

Jim must tell himself that your wife and he are soul mates that is what the OM has told my wife before….Such BS

land2634

Wow, just got a late-night e-mail from my wife:

I'm sure I have been on your mind a lot today. I'm sure you can thank your great friend Joe for that. Or your parents for still not getting the point to stay out. I'm done so just leave me alone and sign the papers

Obviously, Joe is my friend that got into it with Jim yesterday.

land2634

This may not be the best way to do it, but this is the response I REALLY want to send her right now:

You know, I've tried to stay mostly passive to this point, but I just can't do it anymore. When Jim is blatantly bragging at work about his next attempt to please you right in front of the face of my friends, it's pretty disrespectful. This doesn't even account for the people he goes around bragging about how he stole a man's wife away. To your face, he may treat you very well, but behind your back, you're obviously just another object to him with the way he talks. He should really be more careful about who he brags too... I used to work there too. Then he tells Joe that if we are such good friends, we should "69 each other" because you're his now. Just how am I or my parents causing problems here? My parents have done nothing but love you. You have an entire support group of friends that you used to consider your BEST friends that would love to re-connect with you, yet you have pushed them away because they don't support what you're doing. I may not have been the perfect husband, but I've always loved you. I took a vow with you, a convenant, to love you until death. I intend to honor that as long as possible, but just know that when Jim moves on, I may not be able to be here with open arms. Remember the story he told you about how he got in an argument with his girlfriend and made her get out of the car in the middle of nowhere and walk? He tells everyone that story because it's something he is obviously proud of. If that's where you're headed, that's your choice, just know that I can't support the decision.

I probably won't send it, but it sure is what I feel like saying right now. I get that she's in the fog, but wow... just wow...

land2634

...and this is where I'm learning not to act on impulse and to calm down before replying.

I'll reply with something a little different in the morning.

turnera

I think your letter is PERFECT.

SEND IT.

land2634

I actually elaborated on in a bit. Let me know what you think.

Wife,

I've tried to stay mostly passive to this point, but at the same time, I can’t be a doormat. When Jim is blatantly bragging at work about his next attempt to please you right in front of the face of my friends, it's pretty disrespectful. This doesn't even account for the people he goes around bragging about how good it feels that he can get any girl he wants, even the married ones, or how “exhilarating it is to know you’re f***ing another man’s wife.” To your face, he may treat you very well, but behind your back, you're obviously just another object to him with the way he talks. He should really be more careful about whom he brags to...

Remember the story he told you about how he got in an argument with his girlfriend and made her get out of the car in the middle of nowhere and walk, throwing her stuff out of the car? He tells everyone that story because it's something he is obviously proud of. If that's where you're headed, that's your choice, just know that I can't support the decision.

Then he tells Joe that if we are such good friends, we should "69 each other" because you're his now. It’s a real picture of maturity. I guess it’s no different than the way he told you everything you wanted to hear during your Facebook chats so that you would fall for him. The way he told you things like how he considered you his physical equal was just disturbing. I’m all for encouragement, but at that time, you couldn’t hardly walk because you were hurting so bad from your arthritis. It was pretty obvious what he was trying to do.

The entire time it was going on, I knew what was happening, yet kept my mouth shut. I would ask you questions I already knew the answer to and was lied to time after time. One of the biggest was when you were doing the painting for his birthday. Everything was in plain sight in that bedroom and you still lied to me, saying you didn’t know what you were painting yet, despite having a file wide open on your computer screen with quotes about feelings and falling for him. You continually said you needed “alone time” which actually translated to you wanted time to sit and talk to him online. You got to where your entire life became a secret. You started sitting in the recliner in the corner with your computer turned so I couldn’t see what was being said. You started keeping your phone close at all times, and even got up at 4AM in the middle of the night once, turned on the shower water, but it never splashed. You had taken your phone into the bathroom.

There was also the night right before our anniversary when you ended up not going kayaking. I found out after the fact that kayaking was out of the plans at least 2 or 3 hours before you left the house that night. Despite it all, I kept my mouth shut for the most part. Why? Well, because I love you and didn’t want to fight. Anytime I did voice my concerns over what was developing, I was made to feel like I was paranoid and delusional. The resulting stress and anxiety from this quite literally felt like it would be the end of me. This is why I continued to watch things. I had to convince myself that I was NOT crazy and that it was really happening.

You keep saying people should stay out of it, but the truth is, these people are acting on their own behalf. I can’t control the actions of many. If they don’t support what is happening, I’m sorry, but I can’t make anyone do anything or not do anything. Truthfully, it isn’t as if this is all easy for me when Jim and your best friend's husband are going around telling people that I abused you. It took me weeks to get up the courage to even tell you I knew what was going on, much less lay a harmful hand on you. You and I both know I could never physically hurt you, and it’s really hard to have people going around saying I did.

My parents have done nothing but love you. I understand they may have upset you, but this hurts them too. The decision you are making does not only affect yourself and me. The fact is, my parents are losing a daughter and my brother is losing a sister. My parents truly treat you as part of the family, and they have all cried many tears for what is happening because they miss you like crazy.

You have an entire support group of friends that you used to consider your BEST friends that would love to re-connect with you, yet you have pushed them away because they don't support what you're doing; it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. I may not have been the perfect husband, but I've always loved you. I took a vow with you, a covenant, to love you until death. I intend to honor that for as long as I can. This is not just some throw-away relationship to me. You are my wife, the woman God put into my life to love and cherish, and I take that very seriously.

With everything being said, I love you and care for you. I haven’t been a perfect husband, but I have loved you. I’m really sorry for the ways in which I let you down, but just know that I have never been more prepared to be the loving and Biblical husband that God has called me to be and would love to rebuild a loving and caring marriage with you.

I love you.

Land2634