Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
I received a message on Facebook from a college classmate my wife and I both had classes with. I've known her since high school. She said she went to wish my wife a happy birthday and noticed that my wife and I are no longer Facebook friends.
I let her in on what is going on, and she was very sympathetic. She mentioned that a year ago, she had an affair on her husband with a co-worker and they were literally days from finalizing the divorce and decided not to go through with it. She said their relationship is now better than she ever could have imagined because she got the courage to end the affair.
She mentioned that the fact that he still loves her after such a huge mistake really helped her see that it was worth saving.
She just sent me a follow-up message asking if I would like her to try to get in contact with my wife since she knows what my wife is going through and thinks her perspective will help my wife understand that things can always work out if you are willing to work on it.
My wife doesn't know her that well, but I am considering giving the green light on this one. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
We'll see if my wife will at least listen to her. This friend was in the same position, feeling it wasn't worth trying at all, but gave it a shot. Either way, this has been an interesting development. Funny how people start noticing things and asking questions.
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
Well, she has been unable to get into contact with my wife to this point. It's rather difficult since I don't even have my wife's phone number. We'll see what happens.
Last night was sort of tough. Like I said, I decided to hang out with my friend who was having his birthday get-together as well. I made myself somewhat of his personal babysitter. I didn't feel like drinking so I went with him and got him around. We ended up stopping at his friend's house, who lives about a block away from my wife's mom, where my wife has been supposedly living. We were there until around 4AM, at which point I couldn't help myself. I checked to see if my wife's car was at her mom's. It was not. My worst fears that she is at least staying with Jim and could possibly be living there full-time look to be confirmed. I could be wrong, but it would be the only other place I could think of for her to be.
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
Yeah, pretty much.
Word from her workplace is that she has talked about how she is purposely being rude to me to see if I will drop into the background. Word is, her friends are getting kinda tired of the act because they think she is overdoing it. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
Well that is GOOD news! That means you are affecting her, and her ability to continue her affair in peace and no guilt. She wants you to disappear so she can enjoy her treachery in try to gain back her peace of mind...forget how she got there. That's the best reason of all to continue what you're doing.
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
More oddity tonight. She is at her mom's tonight. She must not have full-fledged moved in with him. I don't really know what this means, but like you said, I will just continue on a path toward trying to end the affair. Only time will tell.
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
Land,
I went through your entire 25 pages of posts and I'm really sorry about the turn of events.
I know it hurts and it is after the fact, but exposure of an affair to everyone including a work place might not lead to a happy ending. When too many people get involved, it becomes messy. Friends and families start taking sides and pretty soon, pride and hurt gets in the way of reconciliation.
The notion of making her life miserable will shame her to self-realization of her mistake or submission to end the affair doesn’t seem to be effective. Women are often driven by their heart, not their head; self-preservation can cloud their judgment since she is now in a single-minded crusade with her support group to eliminate the imminent source of her torment, which is identified to be you, instead of the OM. For your and her peace of mind, you might want to consider granting her wish and sign the divorce paper. There is no point of prolonging the misery if she doesn’t love you anymore. You deserve someone who will respect you, treat you right and love you wholeheartedly. If she still has feelings for you, the potential finality of the divorce will sink in and she will rethink the consequences of permanently losing you. All the good things and memories that she once shared with you will come back and the possibility of another woman in your life will start haunting her. Women are no dummies but they turn vicious when they are cornered. Set them free and they might come to their senses.
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
Well, the weekend has come and gone. It wasn't too bad, but I never got a response from her about her birthday card. I'll just put it in the mail. I feel pretty stepped on right now. While I have continued to make sure she has health coverage and take care of things like make sure her student loan consolidation is on the right track, she can't even respond to an e-mail when I went out of my way to acknowledge her birthday.
I'm not even upset, but it just reminds me how deep into the fog she is right now. She doesn't even know which way is up.
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
Land~
I believe Plan B/No Contact may be coming up for you somewhat soonish, so you may want to begin now to get a few things in order such as contemplating when to end her health insurance and student loan payment. I do not say this to be mean to your wife, but rather as a natural consequence of her choice to continue the affair.
If you two were to divorce, you'd no longer be her spouse and be under NO OBLIGATION whatsoever to provide for her health care or pay her student loan. That is one need YOU meet that the OM can not, and if she is insistent upon refusing you, she is refusing your health care and paying her debts.
Soooo...I would suggest contemplating when/how you'll allow her to experience the consequence of her decision to continue the affair. Maybe when it's been 3 months or 6 months since she moved out? And by the way, I have NO DOUBT that she will somehow blame you or say you're being mean...but the fact of the matter is that if she wants your health care and your student loan payment, she could always choose to end the affair and honor her vows by returning to you. If she chooses the affair, she chooses no health care and no debt payments! Her choice.
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
Land,
I don't comment much on your thread although I've been keeping tabs on it since the beginning. The one thing I'd like you to think about is to lower your expectations of anything in return from your w. I wouldn't expect anything in return from any of your gestures. It won't happen and obviously, although you state otherwise, does get to you.
Expectations or seeking affirmation from your w will only lead to your own pain. Let go of any expectations ..... You don't need her affirmations........
Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
I actually gave the issue a thought earlier. While I no longer make the loan payments (I just made sure everything was squared away), my battle has been on the health insurance. I realize that by doing so, I would be merely letting her see the consequences, but at the same time, I'm not sure I could forgive myself for her not being able to get her health issues taken care of. I know this has all been her decision, but I guess I still feel as if I have to make sure her health is fine. As much as she has done, I guess I'm not quite at the point where I would be willing to see her physically suffer because I want the affair to end. It's a really difficult decision for me because truthfully, I would still give myself up for her... even after all the hurt and pain.
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Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it? 
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