Affaircare

Oh sorry Iam--and since this is Land's thread...land2634 too. I just don't want either of you to carry a lot of guilt, that isn't yours to carry, if you ask your spouse to leave when they are having an affair...or think that you're asking them to move out is what ended the marriage.

Here's the fact. When your spouse behaves in a way that is sexually immoral, by pretty much every major religion and moral code I know, you have the right then and there (upon finding the evidence) to send them to the curb and walk away from the marriage entirely with your head held high and file for divorce--legally, spiritually, ethically, morally, and the one who was betrayed as the right to declare the vows broken and end it. Period. Know what I mean? I honestly consider anyone who even *tries* to work on it and DOESN'T just immediately throw a disloyal to the curb as a hero! What commitment--it's admirable!

If you found your spouse was having an affair and you put them out, asked them to move, or threw their things out the window into their flaming car... the marriage was not shattered by you asking them to move out. They may *say* that to deflect blame to you! But this is JUST LIKE the exposure. It is THEIR CHOICE TO COMMIT ADULTERY that shattered the marriage, and their refusal to admit their mistake and do what they know is right.

So don't be distracted by smoke and mirrors, or carry a burden that isn't yours to carry. If they will not give up their affair for the spouse and the one to whom they promised to faithfully devote all of their affection and loyalty--it is reasonable to ask them to move out until such time as they will commit to their vow and prove that they mean it.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

turnera

The reason I suggested confronting her in this way is that she is continuing to ignore him and carry on what SHE wants. I have a feeling nothing is going to get through to her but a strong showing of "I will not accept this." And I honestly didn't expect her to end up leaving, but rather to show her that he's serious about not being her cake. Is it a risk? Yes. But IMO she's too confident that he has no cajones.

I prefer the longer, safer method as you described. I'm just not sure it's going to get through to her. Sometimes women just get mad when their men do that, and dig their heels in out of spite. Only he knows what she is like.

iamnottheonlyone

In my case, my wife has done the dizzy justification. After I discovered the affair I asked her to leave. Therefore I didn't want her. So having the affair was justified. Her view was that I didn't want her before the affair started. I had all ready tossed her out of my heart. Ordering to leave was just the physical part. She can tell others that she would have stayed but that she knows I really didn't want her and no I am only trying to control her. FOG.

land2634

So I finally got the chance to confront her last night about Jim, and she left me...

I don't know what to do. She called one of her friends and stayed over there last night. She packed at least 3 changes of clothes.

She yelled at me, telling me she is done trying for our marriage. What can I do?

If I'm served divorce papers, how I can I prolong the process? I live in Texas.

I just want to stay with my wife, and I don't care what has to happen for that to take place.

turnera

land, you don't have a marriage, if you just let her cheat on you, to keep her in your home.

fwiw, wayward wives almost ALWAYS leave or threaten to leave if you confront them. Go to marriagebuilders.com and learn about what you're going through. It's not over yet. She'll scream and yell and blame and try to push you in a corner, so she can get you on your knees begging her to come back in any condition, to continue to keep Jim in her life AND be married.

Do you seriously want that?

land2634

I'd really like to rebuild it. I just hope this doesn't mean it's really over with.

Tanelornpete

I'd bet this is NOT the end at all. This is pretty much normal behavior - it happens quite often. You confronted an addict about their addiction and the got angry.

You have a lot of work to do though. First thing: go into calm mode, and turn entirely rational. Think before you act in everything you do. Make sure you learn everything you can about affairs, marriage, and recovery. Stand for your family.

In essence, confronting your wife started the course to recovery. It was the notification to her that you will fight for your marriage (and you won't fight with her!) She knows it is in the open and she has some serious thinking to do.

She is going to try to get you to give in to her, to allow her addiction to continue. Stay strong. Stay the course. You have a marriage, it is in trouble, and you are gathering the tools and wherewithal to fix it.

land2634

Thanks for the encouraging words. Today has been a pretty rough day for me. I haven't had any contact with her and I'm pretty emotional. I can't handle being in the house because of all the bad memories left inside (we moved in right before all of these problems started surfacing).

iamnottheonlyone

As everyone has told you. stay calm. No begging, pleading or groveling. They won't work. Don't call her or text her repeatedly. You need to read and learn quickly. You were right to confront. Divorce is a long way down the road. Be patient. She will try to manipulate you. She is in the fog. Be rational and kind. No love busters. Read some of these threads from the beginning. The longer ones will give you perspective as you can see the changes. The pain is real. You have to bring it under control. All of what is happening to you is very cookie cutter and predictable. You have to get ahead of the curve. You are going to learn much in a short time. What you learn she does not know. Don't tell her what you learn. It is important you don't reveal that you know how she will behave. All of us lose confidence quickly. Confidence evaporates. You need to stay strong. Strength is attractive. Begging is not. Learn fast!!!

jessi

lands,
hang on, this is not the end, of course she ran, she got caught in the act with proof and she knows that she has been lying to you...you want her to feel the brunt of what she is doing, don't feel bad about that...
right now you can only control yourself, be firm when you do speak to her, tell her it's him or you.....make her decide if giving you up for him is worth it to her.....let him fill all her needs even the ones you have been taking care of and see if he really wants to step up to the plate.....chances are he won't want to take on all that responsibility....
Be the supportive, loving husband, tell her you love her, don't want the marriage to end and when she is ready to give him up for good and work on the marriage you will gladly welcome her back.....
keep yourself busy and don't dwell on the past, think of your plan to win her back and focus on that future, don't take anything to heart with what she says at this point.....she is deep in affair fog........
good luck and come here for support, lots of great folks willing to help and support you through this...

turnera

Oh, and don't forget that YOU will not support her affair. If she chooses to leave the house, SHE will find a way to pay for her new place; YOUR money stays at HOME, taking care of your home and family.

And remember that any kind of legal separation or divorce is a long way down the road, and likely to not occur. So don't even pay any attention to that talk. You'll believe it when you see it, kwim?

Just stay calm and steady. YOU are not going anywhere, YOU are still the same person with the same goals. SHE is the one running from her shame. LET her. Let her feel her consequences.

Have you told everyone important? By now, she's calling people and spinning her version: you're mean, abusive, crazy, etc., and she had no choice. Best for you to call them before she does.

land2634

Very emotional night.

I decided to send her a text telling her to have a good night. I actually got a response, but not one I wanted. It said, "Yeah, my days have been ****ty, so thank you."

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't reply back. I'm really worried that she may actually have already made up her mind that it's over. Then again, would her day have been so bad if she wasn't battling with it?

Maybe I'm over-thinking things. I'm trying to project a positive image to her. It's just hard to project that image to my own self.

turnera

Are you listening to us?

We keep telling you that what she is doing is exactly what waywards do. It's truly a script because they all do it, all say the same things. So stop worrying. What is, is. And you are a LONG way from any change. Right now she is just fuming because you are threatening to take away her heroin. Right NOW is when you should be calling her family and friends and letting them know she's cheating and asking them for help. After you ask her one more time to stop seeing him. If you don't, she will entrench herself on 'his' side. Right now is when you have the power to shut it down by shining light on it so she can't pretend he's just a friend and she 'had' to leave you. If you let her tell everyone first, she will spin it so that YOU are the problem; then, you lose.

land2634

I understand. To this point, I've been unable to get her best friend to pick up the phone. She undoubtedly has already heard my wife's end of the story.

Either way, what are the rules for contact in this situation?

She took all of her clothes from the house this morning while I was gone.

Tanelornpete

1) I'd avoid talking to the friend with whom she stays - that's probably a closed door right now.

2) As for 'rules' - no gossip, no hearsay, don't make anything up. Be civil, friendly and kind. Let them know what is going on, and that you want to work on your marriage.

The point of exposing the affair is to make sure the TRUTH is out there, along with the lies. People are free to choose sides, and over time, it will become apparent who is telling the truth and who is not.

Don't expect a lot of help. At the most, you'll probably get a lot of sympathy. But the real point of exposure becomes clear when your wife runs into people who know what is going on - she won't be able to hide it.

And that hiding is a large portion of the thrill of the affair. As that goes, the spark of the affair begins to die.