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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-19-2010, 03:11 AM   #436 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

marilee/land,

having read the bullet points on 180 above I can more or less confirm this is what caused my wife to come back and end her affair. She has been at home for a few weeks now and things are okay. Not great but there are signs of recovery and plans for the future.

I think if from what my wife has told me, if she read the bullet points she would agree this is what works. I was pleasant if my wife contacted me and discussed plans with my son but apart from that I concentrated on myself and my son. I did this for probably 6 weeks. I became stronger and happier and certainly acted that way when i heard from or saw my wife.

Whenever she had my son I went out socialising, playing golf and generally having a good time. She couldn't help but ask about what I was up to so I told her in a nice way what a great time I was having. When I had my son I made sure we had the best time together. My son always wanted to be at home with me and my wife saw in me the person she fell in love with. the times she had my son at OM's house were difficult and and awkward for her.

I know better than most what you are trying to achieve with your plan and I did it for a good few months. It was useful as it showed my wife I still loved and cared about her no matter what and I think your wife knows that now also. Ultimately though I don't think my wife would have come back had I kept it up, it was the Plan A.5 that worked the best. That is - the stage before plan B which I think exists and is vital. The stage where she know how you feel but sees you are getting on with your life and not chasing her any more. She will then start to miss you and wonder what your doing. I think this is easier with a child as there is better opportunities but it will still have the same effect over time. You will also feel better in yourself.

You know your situation better than anyone and must make your own decision, I guess I lean more toward marilee than the others.

Good luck with your plan, personally I think the continuation of this plan will not get your wife back but that is just my opinion and I don't know your wife. I think in a couple of years if she didn't come back and cuts you out all together you will get over her and then look back and think "why the **** did I pay her health insurance when she was ****ing another man". I see how you think this is showing her love but personally I think it is showing her your lack of strength and self respect.

All the best land. take care
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Old 10-19-2010, 05:03 AM   #437 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Broken: thanks for your update I have been dying to ask how you and your wife were doing

Land: I have been observing, watching and reviewing your post over time. You have done amazingly well, however the single biggest issue you have is the OM is still in the picture and your wife is totally absorbed by him.

You need to assume the worst as she has adopted his behaviours and mirrors his personality. This is not going to break until she feels significant pain.

There is one item you must do. CANCEL the healthcare with immediate effect; let your wife know after you have cancelled it.

She is using you, she is nasty to you, you must continuing being polite and respectful. Your wife is buying time at your cost, stop allowing her to abuse you. She knows you are a great guy that’s why she behaves like she does to you. The joke between her and the OM is that they are taking pleasure from the pain they are causing you, it fuels their bond.

You need to make life uncomfortable for her and the lover. You have few if any tools in your arsenal. The affair man can start bailing her out financially and emotionally, over time he may step up to the mark and they may make it together, history of his behaviours does not suggest this.

Prepare yourself for a divorce, see a lawyer and be ready , one hopes even if you end up no longer being married that your wife can look back knowing that you are by far the better man and her shame will be with her for the rest of her life.

I am one that has no objection to referring to God in your mails however in this case your wife does not respect His values so please be very clinical in your communications.

Last edited by Wisp; 10-19-2010 at 05:31 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:10 AM   #438 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Land, I failed to mention in my reply that my husband did end his emotional affair. I attribute that to many things, including a great deal of luck, but feel the 180 played a huge role in helping him to see what he would be losing, how quickly he would lose it, and how very much he would end up regretting it. Seeing that (despite my love for him) I was absolutely ready to move on without him did WONDERS.
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:27 AM   #439 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

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Originally Posted by marilee View Post
Land, I failed to mention in my reply that my husband did end his emotional affair. I attribute that to many things, including a great deal of luck, but feel the 180 played a huge role in helping him to see what he would be losing, how quickly he would lose it, and how very much he would end up regretting it. Seeing that (despite my love for him) I was absolutely ready to move on without him did WONDERS.
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Old 10-19-2010, 02:56 PM   #440 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Guest8786 View Post
Oh dear
Calm down, stop thinking about you and her.
Start thinking about you and you and you.
Honestly I feel the more she sees you desperate, the more you're pushing her away.
She might start thinking again if you show her you're not interested any more. She might.
May God bless you and help you.
Posted this long time ago, but land never took notice of whatever I said
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:14 PM   #441 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

As I understand it though, it's not that land disagrees with dropping her, but rather with current health insurance rules dictate that he can't just drop her immediately. Under IRS Sec. 104, Cafeteria plans, a person can not drop dependents without a "qualifying event." (The rule was made to prevent employees from not signing up for insurance unless something happened, and then signing up to cover just that event and then dropping the insurance again.) This is an example of the ways that health insurance differs from life insurance. Life you can change right away--today; health has certain "windows of opportunity"...usually once every year, once every 6 months, or when there is a life event such as a birth, marriage or finalized divorce

Thus it's my understanding the very nearest window to do this (drop her from his health insurance) will be in January. So yes, we all agree that she chose the affair and thus his health insurance should end--but the federal govt. has imposed laws that prevent him from doing it TODAY, and/or his employer benefits department may have additional policies that indicate when he can do the change.

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Last edited by Affaircare; 10-19-2010 at 04:20 PM.
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:25 PM   #442 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

I forget, land, have you already TOLD her that you are dropping her Jan. 1? IMO, just saying it gives all the effect you need; it doesn't have to happen today, but telling her today tells her that you're moving on.
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Old 10-19-2010, 05:25 PM   #443 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

I have not told her that yet. I should probably do it soon so that I don't spring it on her, as that may be rather inconsiderate.
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Old 10-21-2010, 06:34 AM   #444 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Land is in Plan B as there is nothing else he can do. As you all know, nothing he can say will affect her. There is no contact now way way. She's in love. He is doing just about everything on the 180 and now she won't see it or care about it. He will do his own thing and she hers. He can ignore the divorce and not cooperate as JAR has done. It is a stalling tactic. It also shows he will not be the doormat. So at this point there is nothing else to do but sit back and wait for the affair to die a natural death or not.
As many of you know I have been dating A LOT. Almost all of these women are recently divorced in their late 40's and early 50's. Almost all "left" their husbands. The passion was gone they said. They desired to live life to the fullest. They have the attitude that they need to chase fun. They were bored. Looking for something different. Maybe they weren't looking for the butterflies, but once they felt them there was no turning back. Many have friends in the same situation. Most of them regret it. What they thought was magical (and maybe forever) was over in two or three years. They didn't get to keep the friends of the marriage.
With Land, the marriage is a short one. I suspect she never fully committed. We all have our doubts when we marry or the doubts blossum once we are in it. She isn't going to change with his help. She has to play it out. He has chosen to back off. That is all he can do any way.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:32 AM   #445 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

iam, that's a very good point you raise - that they leave, thinking the grass is greener, but it's astroturf. Makes it kind of hard to figure out what kind of woman would be worth dating (or safe to date) at our age, no?
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:41 AM   #446 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Wanted to post an update as to what's been going on. It was an interesting weekend. I can see myself being tested and tempted, and it's something I can tell I will be battling for awhile.

My family and I had a wedding to go to about 3 hours away for a longtime family friend. One of my best friends for many years was there since it was his twin sister getting married. In any case, a little while after the reception began, I sat down to catch up with my friend, and he introduced me to his sister's former roommate. Since neither of us were really into dancing, as my friend came and went from the dance floor, we conversed at the table for a couple of hours. It was possibly the most intriguing conversation I've had with anyone in at least six months. Not only was I interested in her, she seemed genuinely interested in me.

While I didn't go as far as even exchanging contact info with her, afterward it hit me: I had, at least for a couple of hours, enjoyed the company of a female, and even though I didn't, I was tempted to ask to exchange contact info to keep in touch. Quite honestly, she had a lot of characteristics that reminded me of my wife back when she was sweet, carefree, and full of joy. I was also able to gather from our time spent in conversation that she is a very strong Christian.

In any case, I just wanted to share. I'm not really sure how to handle these sort of situations because I definitely don't want to get caught up in the exact same fog my wife is in right now. I guess you could say that my need for conversation that has been left empty by my wife during her absence was filled for at least a couple of hours. I recognize that this is EXACTLY how affairs start and don't want to go down that road.
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Old 10-26-2010, 10:22 AM   #447 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

For what its worth land I know how you feel I am fitting the same temptations as well.
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Old 10-26-2010, 10:23 AM   #448 (permalink)
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I for one am glad to hear it Land. Even thought it's obvious you still are following your path (obvious in comparisons being made from this women to your wife), the innocent companionship / conversation is something you well deserved after her being gone four months now. The tone of the thread replies (I feel) really seems to have shifted into plan-B after everything she's putting you through, so it's good to hear from you.
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:44 AM   #449 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Land,

You need to live. And you were at the wedding. There is nothing wrong with that. Keep doing those things -- it will help you gain strength. Maybe I am wrong here, but the next time exchange information -- could be a great friend or something more.

That is part of living. You have self control -- that is apparent -- and that is what would keep it from being an "affair". But I say keep living.
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Old 10-26-2010, 12:15 PM   #450 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

As you know I am a bit further down that road. A good friend's sister's roommate is someone you should probably stay away from any way. I can tell you from my few weeks of dating experience is that the women you would be most interested in are the ones who don't want a "relationship" with a married man. Also, I have found that dating them reduces the risk of doing anything you might regret later. Someone who tells you they want to live life to the fullest is someone to stay away from.
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