MrRomantic

I definitely think talking is a good thing.

Wow, it sounds amazing that your wife might be coming to her senses! I wish you the best of luck.

In your situation, I would extend her trust again. It will be hard, but if this relationship is going to work, you BOTH have to work on it. Now is not the time for you give her any guilt trips or try to control her. If you have another chance left to give her, do it. Decide right now what you will do if she throws her chance away.

Affaircare

Land~

You touch on some of the fundamental questions about infidelity! You did a great job being firm but loving and standing for your family--and I am praying that you might have nipped the affair right in the bud! Good job! But after the loyal spouse ends the affair, there's actually still much more work to do!

I would recommend that you take a peek at this article we have about No Contact Letters. Sample No Contact Letters. This will give you several real-life examples of what the letter should be like. It should not be a letter about destiny not allowing them to be together or that kind of thing...it should not focus on the OP or their feelings...it should be about you and your marriage.

However, I would not suggest "just giving her trust." That's silly. She's demonstrated that she is perfectly capable of lying to your face and looking you right in the eye. So you give her to opportunity to consistently act in a way that will rebuild trust! Here's what I mean. She's welcome to come home and work on the marriage if she:
1) agrees to write a no contact letter, give it to you, and YOU send it!
2) agrees to give you passwords and access to her accounts: email, facebook, cell phones, and everywhere else that she was using to stay in touch with Jim and hide it from you. The purpose of this is not for you to become her policeman or snoop on her but rather so she can live life transparently and you can verify her honesty.
3) agrees to commit to working on herself and the marriage with you. That is to say, this is not just "her issue"--you let her down in some major ways and need to be honest with yourself and change! But so does she. She had the option to be honest with you or "run off to someone else" and she took the avoidance route, so she needs to learn what her weaknesses are and how to guard herself against her own weaknesses.

Honestly? I would recommend either working consistently with your pastor or working with a counselor or coach. If you want, even Tanelorn and I could work with the two of you! But some guidance is helpful to keep you on track and accountable.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

land2634

Thanks for the advice.

I'm not entirely sure she is ready to come home yet. It seems like she is still battling some emotions. When I asked her if she would like to meet with me to sit down and talk, her response was, "I don't think I can do that right now."

I guess the issue is this: the pastor would like to speak with her, but on the same note, if I tell her he is coming to try to speak with her, she's going to feel teamed up on. Given the circumstances, I realize she is supposed to feel that way, but I do feel as if the discussion would help. She knows him as well, so he's somewhat of a mutual friend. I don't want her to feel any more uncomfortable than she has to, but I think he could really give her some perspective to consider and chew on. If he does this, he will be driving in from outside of town, so I want to make sure I make the right decision if I give him the go-ahead to seek her out and speak with her.

Affaircare

Well I guess I'm rather confused. If your youth pastor wants to meet with your wife, why would that not be between him and her? I mean, I can't see why you would have any reason for them to NOT meet, and I can see why you would have reason to WANT them to meet....sooooo

Thus I would suggest telling your youth pastor that if he wants to make the effort to meet her, you have no objection. Thereafter it's between them. Let them arrange it or not or whatever. Right? I don't see any reason why you'd be in the middle there.

Am I missing something?

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

land2634

Works for me.

I guess I left out an important detail. She started paying her own cell phone bill, and when my parents wouldn't leave her alone (after I asked them too... trust me it really did get out of hand), she changed her number. When she gave it to me, she forbid me to give it to anyone so she doesn't have to deal with my parents and some mutual friends that were reaching out to her.

Having said that, this means the pastor will actually be showing up at her mom's house without having been able to call her and ask her if it's ok. He's going to ask her to go somewhere for coffee or something similar. I just want to make sure I'm not setting myself up for failure here by giving him the go-ahead to show up unannounced. If she'll at least sit down with him, I can see it being a HUGE help.

Affaircare

Land~

You're funny. We can't guarantee success or failure. We can't tell if he shows up...if she'll go with him or not. And if she does go, we can't tell if she'll listen.

I don't see how it would set you up for failure. He is concerned about her and he is her mutual friend and a minister. In the nicest way possible, it's between her and a man of god and she may decide to harden her heart and not hear him! People do that to God sometimes. But I'd say she is one of his flock and she needs his spiritual guidance.

So I'd say it's out of your hands and into the hands of the pastor and God now!

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

land2634

I see what you're saying. As you can likely tell by now, I'm overly analytical (something I'm sure would be addressed by a counselor, should we ever get to that point). I try to gauge what the most possible or likely outcome is.

iamnottheonlyone

Hey, your changing. You have gone from not paying enough attention to paying too much!

Affaircare

No worries, my Dear Hubby is an INTJ= Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinker, Judger. He also tries to gather all data, analyze all possible outcomes, and select the most efficient route. I personally don't do that but I know it when I see it!

Literally my guess at this point is that she might welcome speaking with a man of god, because she is showing some signs of struggling with "doing the right thing." Clearly her conscience is not dead or seared (and that is a hugely good thing)!! Thus, I would conjecture that if he is someone she would listen to, that it has a high likelihood of success. But that is more like an educated "guesstimate" based on experiences rather than based on statistics, logic, or probability figures.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

turnera

I think what he's saying is he's worried that if the pastor approaches her, it will be obvious to her that he is just one more person he exposed to. My guess is that it would depend on how 'good' the pastor is at soothing people.

Definitely do NOT just trust her! That makes you look like an idiot. She needs to respect you. One of the reasons she's considering coming back, if not THE reason, is that you stood up for yourself and respected yourself too much to let her cheat on you. Don't back down now. Be logical about it - loving but logical. "Come on, do you really think I should just trust you at this point and not want to be able to verify with your phone/computer that you have stopped contact? After you've lied to my face? I'm not THAT dumb. I love you, but I'm not a doormat."

land2634

I wanted to post an update.

My wife and I have texted back and forth for the past week. Yesterday morning from work, she was upset and texted me saying how much she misses me but feels as if our marriage can't work. She asked me to take a 90 minute drive with her to meet with a friend of hers, so I went with her.

6 hours later, it seemed that we had talked some issues out, which we continued to talk about today. I allowed her to bring up the topic of her affair, and she mentioned that with all the stress and pressure and people hounding her, Jim just doesn't seem worth the trouble.

She still believes that our marriage is unable to be salvaged. I continue to remain positive around her, trying to display a confidence about myself. She obviously still wants things to possibly work out in the long-run since she spent a good portion of the weekend with me, but I believe she feels as if too many bridges have been burned, despite me reassuring her otherwise.

I have been working on delving deeper and deeper into my faith in God, which I think has thrown another emotional wrench into the equation. While we were both very much driven by our faith when we met, we had fallen away from that basis since getting married. She seems to feel the changes I am making aren't genuine, which I can't say I blame her for thinking, but I remain hopeful that she will take a chance and trust me again, much as I will need some time to trust her again. Any thoughts?

turnera

Try to spend more time getting to the root of what she is actually thinking, so you can counteract it.

Affaircare

I believe this is fairly natural and would encourage you to remain as consistent as possible and just take the time to SHOW her that it can be salvaged and the changes are for a lifetime. It may also take you a little while to regain some trust.

Well you could see my comment right above this, as they're relevant, but actually I do have a thought, yes.

At this stage neither one of you really "trusts" the other and by that I mean that you hurt her deeply and she's afraid to really believe you...and she hurt you deeply and you're afraid to really believe her. She mostly associates "negative" with you and you associate "negative" with her to some degree. Thus I would suggest two things that help "jump start" this in a positive way.

1) I do suggest trust-building both ways. Do sit down together and write a No Contact Letter; it's written by her and mailed by you so that it's not "one last love letter.' Here are some Sample No Contact Letters I also recommend that you BOTH share access to all accounts with each other. You want her to show you her email, FB and chats? Show her yours too. It builds trust both ways when both spouses are transparent.

2) I do suggest a little trip. I wouldn't say it's a mini-honeymoon but in a way it is, because the purpose of this trip is to get to know each other again in a fun way, away from the stresses of children and work. In other words...get away somewhere together. Now, don't tell me you "don't have the money" because a divorce will cost you a heck of a lot more! Find a way! Take her someplace you would both find "fun" that isn't entirely "romance based." For example, if she's always wanted to go to see the desert in Moab, UT...take a week vacation just you and her and go. Go see the beauty of creation, enjoy the hiking and take pictures of each other by the rock formations, and at night go to a nice but not "dress up" restaurant. Have FUN with each other. Play. It will start to remind her why she likes you (note I didn't say "love" but that guy she likes who's her friend). If it feels right and is not pressure, kiss her. This will associate a few "positives" with you, and likewise you will have fun with her and associate some "positive" memories with her. It will jump start your re-connection.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

land2634

I would love to be able to do these things. The problem is, she still hasn't come home. She doesn't seem willing to do so yet. We've spent time together, but she doesn't really seem to be willing to take it much further than that.

She keeps talking about how angry she still is at me for not seeming like I cared for so long. I can definitely see where she is coming from, and I've more than acknowledged that to her in our conversations, but she doesn't feel it's genuine. It feels almost like an endless circle. Am I basically waiting for her to jump back in and give it all another shot?

Your suggestions seem perfect, but it's looking as if I may need to pocket them for long enough to at least get her to come home. Don't really want to have to "convince" her, if you know what I mean, but I want her to feel as if she has a reason to do so. Am I on the right path to possibly having that happen?

iamnottheonlyone

I might suggest that you do not try and convince. We talk about this all time and then when the time comes we can't control ourselves. You have to show her that you can be that loving, caring husband. You have been doing great staying away from love busters. Now you have to see if she is ready for love banking. Can she write that letter? That would be a big move. Don't tush the coming home part. Find the love , then later in a month or two you can work on the issues. Going on a trip with your wife also gets her away from Jim.