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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-26-2010, 04:04 PM   #106 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wisp View Post
Please PM Tanelorpete for advice on the next steps
Your a long way off and there is always a risk for the turn for the worst, always assume the worst so you are not shoked when it happens,

When you speak to her family be very civil , and ask for their help suggest they call her after a few days when the realisation set s in.
Yeah, I'm pretty non-confrontational so I shouldn't have a problem being civil. The day she left, she was yelling and cursing, and I stayed very calm and talked in a soft voice.

I don't like to fight, which is good in some cases, but bad in this instance because I don't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up for myself.
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Old 07-26-2010, 04:07 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

One more thing for now:

For people that are wanting me to provide proof that something is going on, I am e-mailing them the picture I referred to before. Can I get in any sort of trouble for defamation of character or anything of that sort? I don't believe so since it's all true, but I want to cover my bases.
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Old 07-26-2010, 04:13 PM   #108 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Land~

I just wanted to say that I am proud of you. For the first time in a while, you did something definitive to stand up for your marriage and end the affair. Up until today, your disloyally dizzy, confusing, foggy wife has been sort of running the show, and her actions are almost 100% motivated by "getting her next fix" of affair-zing. If you think of her as a drug addict, you'll see how she could lie to you, hurt you, steal from you, and be so spiteful when you envision the way someone acts who is addicted to a drug.

You gave her the chance to keep this "between you and her" when you confronted her. You gave her the chance to hear wise counsel and save her reputation when you disclosed it to one person she trusts. She could have chosen to do the right thing and turn to you and that wise person for help--and thus have her unfaithfulness less known. Instead she chose to continue her affair, blame you for her choice to commit adultery, and try to keep it secret.

When she says to you, "HOW COULD YOU drag my name through the mud like this?" just remember that it is her ACTIONS and her choices that have damaged her reputation, not you stating the truth. She could just as easily have chosen to honor her commitment and the truth would have been: "My wife is amazing! Even though it's not easy she chose to be faithful!"

Land, your marriage can survive anger. It can not survive active adultery. Do not be afraid to make her angry, and do not confuse "making her angry" with a love extinguisher. She chooses to be angry because some part of her knows that what she's doing is wrong and she's doing it anyway. Okay?

GOOD JOB!

You took MANY steps forward today toward saving your marriage.
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Old 07-26-2010, 04:18 PM   #109 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

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Originally Posted by land2634 View Post
One more thing for now:

For people that are wanting me to provide proof that something is going on, I am e-mailing them the picture I referred to before. Can I get in any sort of trouble for defamation of character or anything of that sort? I don't believe so since it's all true, but I want to cover my bases.
Generally speaking, defamation is the issuance of a false statement about another person, which causes that person to suffer harm. Slander involves the making of defamatory statements by a non-fixed representation, usually an oral (spoken) representation. Libel involves the making of defamatory statements in a printed or fixed medium, such as a magazine or newspaper.

The following may consititute defamation per se:
  • Allegations that an unmarried person is unchaste;
  • Allegations that a person is infected with a sexually transmitted disease;
  • Allegations that the person has committed a crime of moral turpitude;

The most important defense to an action for defamation is "truth", which is an absolute defense to an action for defamation. It's not defamation, slander, or libel if it is true.
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Old 07-26-2010, 04:37 PM   #110 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

DO NOT forget to call her family BEFORE she tells them another story..
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Old 07-26-2010, 05:57 PM   #111 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

I was just going to say that! Call her family NOW! Call everyone.

And if you have his info, call HIS family.
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:17 PM   #112 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

You did the right thing. You really have no other course. You have brought it out in the open. She is reacting just as expected. (Just as my wife has.) History says this will accelerate things. It is still a long haul. Probably at least 6 months until the affair sees real damage. I am 3 months in and just had my first couple of up rides on the rollercoaster. Of course I got the down rides a couple of days later. But I knew from the advice here what to expect.
They wil have to experience real life. My wife is living life like a high school drop out. She is getting help from her family but the boyfrind appears to not be giving any physical help (mowing the lawn, painting old walls, going to the laundrymat. So if the damage starts sooner you might have a chance to still be hanging around when the affair ends.
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Old 07-26-2010, 07:07 PM   #113 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

I haven't gotten in touch with her manager, but someone else did apparently. I'm not sure who yet, but she just texted me that her and Jim got sent home on suspension until HR reviews the situation.

They'll likely be losing their jobs in the next few days. She is telling me how I must not care for her otherwise I wouldn't let it get to the point of it costing her a job. I mentioned that this was all her choice and she chose to continue things.
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Old 07-26-2010, 07:12 PM   #114 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Remain calm. She will try to draw you into an argument so she can blame everything on you. Repeat "I'm trying to save my marriage, which cannot survive a third person." Nothing else. If she tries to draw you in, just offer her a cookie. It makes no better sense than anything else she will say.
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Old 07-26-2010, 07:29 PM   #115 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Exactly! I would recommend picking one phrase and basically saying it over and over, just changing the words a little.

All along she could have chosen to do the right thing, saved her own job, and ended the affair. So don't let her try to deflect blame onto you (especially if it was so obnoxious that someone else reported it)!!

So remember--it's the Evil Twin talking now. Most of what she says will be to justify why she did what is against her character (namely adultery) and that logic can get pretty twisted. Just remember: Evil Twin...Evil Twin....

And what are you going to repeat?

"I love you and I know I did do things in our marriage to hurt you. I'm more than willing to work with you to make our marriage loving again. Are you willing to send Jim a No Contact letter, give me access to all your accounts so I can verify your honesty, and commit to working together so we can love each other again?"

Stay the course! GOOD JOB!!
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:17 AM   #116 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Her mother seems almost disinterested in the details. I think she is more concerned that her daughter will be out of a job and living with her.

I need to contact her grandparents. Theyre rather hard to catcj, so I'm considering a letter. Knowing them, their immediate reaction will be that I am lying. Should I enclose some form of evidence that verifies the things I am saying. They could end up being my biggest ally here, so I want to get it right.

They're on the road for the summer but stop into town occasionally and check mail. I believe this could be the best way to be sure they know. Thoughts?
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:20 AM   #117 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Indeed , some mothers will not pay attention, but is she does loose her job then the finances are going to be tough. Do not assume the best she may still have the job just a warning or shift pattern change.

For the grandparent say you have evidence but its will be unpleasant for them to see and you wish to spare their feelings, they are most welcome to meet you. The text messages are part of the evidence.

You are after their support

Last edited by Wisp; 07-27-2010 at 01:22 AM. Reason: more info added
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:28 AM   #118 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Note the extract from Affaircare’s post

"Exactly! I would recommend picking one phrase and basically saying it over and over, just changing the words a little. "

Something like:

“I love you, you are in the fog of an affair, if you stop the affair now and come home we can work on our marriage together"

Use similar words to everyone who challenges you
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Old 07-27-2010, 06:25 AM   #119 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

When I began the exposure route, in the front of my mind I was calling on these people to reach out to her and convince her to ens the affair and return home. But that is not what it does and is not what the promoters intend. Get it clear in your head that the exposure won't get her to stop. What it will do is stop the secrecy. It brings the affair into the light of day. Now they have to live in the real world. The question then becomes are they right for each other. In most cases they are not. But it will take time for them to find that out. It may take too long for you to wait. As Harley says, Plan A is not a life style. Six months? One year? Start thinking about this.
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:13 PM   #120 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

I have drafted out a letter I'd like to send to her grandparents. I want to get some opinions on it before I sent it. Here goes:

Dear xxx and xxx,

I am writing you this letter to ask for your support during a difficult time. As you likely know by now, xxx and I have been having problems within our marriage, and she decided about a month ago that the best course of action was to leave home. Since then, life has seemed to be a rollercoaster of emotions and hurt feelings.

While I am not sure what details you do know of the circumstances surrounding our current separation, there is a matter that I feel deserves the undivided attention of the people closest to xxx. I love xxx very much, and this was the reason that I took wedding vows with her in front of friends and family a little over two years ago. With that being said, I fully intend to fight for our marriage and what it stands for.

For the past few months, xxx has been having an affair with a coworker named xxx. As hard as that may be to believe, I have no reason to tell you anything untrue. I still have a difficult time believing it myself. The affair started as messaging back and forth, exchanging feelings and regrets at being married due to wanting to be with him. When I confronted my wife with this knowledge, she was very upset and apologized for hurting me. I wanted to work on our marriage, but knew this could not be done without contact with xxx ending. After all, an affair can be like a drug addiction, and as long as she was giving her emotions to him, we could not move forward in our marriage.

Two weeks later, I discovered that xxx was still heavily involved in conversations with xxx. While I do not have evidence of these discussions as I do in the previous instance, I confronted my wife once again to ask her what was going on. This is when she became angry, cursed and yelled at me, and left home.

After she left, I knew we needed to have some time to allow things to cool off. She began contacting me more frequently after a couple of weeks, and on July 7, she indicated that she missed me, and based on our conversations, I felt like we were moving forward and would begin to work things out. She indicated that things between her and xxx had died down due to the way everything had played out to that point. Then she began to be more distant toward me once again.

I have now discovered that xxx and xxx are now carrying on a full-fledged relationship, no longer one just emotional in nature. I have photographic evidence that backs this claim up, but unless you feel a need to see for yourself, I would rather save those images from being planted into your mind.

You may be asking why I am telling you this. The basis is simple. I am not here to make my wife look bad or to get any sort of revenge. The fact remains, I still love my wife more than myself. I intend to fight for my marriage because of what it stands for and what I believe in. I am simply asking for your support, not just for myself, but for both xxx and I and our marriage.

In the Bible, Matthew 19:6 refers to the sanctity of marriage when it says, "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

Furthermore, in Ephesians 5:25, the Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

I have not been the perfect husband to this point in my life, but I truly believe we go through these trials and tribulations to become better people, not only in our marriages, but throughout the entire core of our lives.

I simply ask that you take the information I am giving you very seriously. I love my wife and I am committed to showing her just that. I pray that people such as you will show her the kind of love that would soften her heart while discouraging the affair so that we can work on our marriage.

I also would like to thank you for your support throughout the time I have known my wife. Your thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated during this tough stretch in life. If you need to contact me, feel free to do so. My phone number is (xxx) xxx-xxxx.

Sincerely,

XXXX Land

Last edited by land2634; 07-27-2010 at 01:28 PM.
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