Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it? - Page 9
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree3Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 07-27-2010, 01:18 PM   #121 (permalink)
Member
 
Tanelornpete's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 996
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Excellent letter - one suggestion: go back through and edit out all the names on your example - also your area code. I may be a paranoid old guy, but I don't trust the internet with much private information at all...
Tanelornpete is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-27-2010, 01:25 PM   #122 (permalink)
Member
 
land2634's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: San Angelo, TX
Posts: 301
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tanelornpete View Post
Excellent letter - one suggestion: go back through and edit out all the names on your example - also your area code. I may be a paranoid old guy, but I don't trust the internet with much private information at all...
Wow, didn't even think about that. Thanks!
land2634 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-27-2010, 01:32 PM   #123 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 453
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

A good letter, post as soon as.
Wisp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-27-2010, 04:44 PM   #124 (permalink)
Member
 
land2634's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: San Angelo, TX
Posts: 301
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

I've mailed the letter to her grandparents. I'd like to share the same with other family members of hers as well.

I keep trying to remind myself that while she will be very angry with me, and some of these people may be angry with me, that I'm doing the right thing. After all, the people supporting her deserve to know the truth right?
land2634 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-27-2010, 05:30 PM   #125 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 25,428
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

It's no different than a drug addict. You don't hide it - you tell people of her 'illness' so they can help you help her get past it.

Yes, she'll be angry. Go over to marriagebuilders.com and read up about the 'script' she will use - exact same words every other cheater uses:
I was going to come back, but now you've ruined it.
I'll NEVER choose you now.
You're dragging my name through the mud.
I hate you now.
You're just trying to hurt me.
I can never forgive you.

Just expect it all, stay calm, do NOT respond, let her spit it all out.

The #1 way to stop an affair is to shine light on it - that way it's no longer exciting, thrilling, fun, sneaky; it now becomes embarrassing. Once that happens, the cheater has to decide if it's worth continuing, if people are going to be whispering about her, or judging her, or disapproving. Plus, if she had any plans for OM, she can no longer just bring him in like they did nothing wrong - he will NEVER be accepted at Thanksgiving Dinner with the family. Bubble burst.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-27-2010, 09:15 PM   #126 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 814
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Great letter. I think you should tell them you will be calling.And that you would like to talk with them before they speak with her because they might have some questions. Also forewarn them about the fog and justifications they will hear when they talk to her. You need to beat her to the punch.
iamnottheonlyone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2010, 01:33 AM   #127 (permalink)
Member
 
land2634's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: San Angelo, TX
Posts: 301
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
It's no different than a drug addict. You don't hide it - you tell people of her 'illness' so they can help you help her get past it.

Yes, she'll be angry. Go over to marriagebuilders.com and read up about the 'script' she will use - exact same words every other cheater uses:
I was going to come back, but now you've ruined it.
I'll NEVER choose you now.
You're dragging my name through the mud.
I hate you now.
You're just trying to hurt me.
I can never forgive you.

Just expect it all, stay calm, do NOT respond, let her spit it all out.

The #1 way to stop an affair is to shine light on it - that way it's no longer exciting, thrilling, fun, sneaky; it now becomes embarrassing. Once that happens, the cheater has to decide if it's worth continuing, if people are going to be whispering about her, or judging her, or disapproving. Plus, if she had any plans for OM, she can no longer just bring him in like they did nothing wrong - he will NEVER be accepted at Thanksgiving Dinner with the family. Bubble burst.
Funny you should say this... she actually said, "It could have worked out, but now..."

I've truly had an easier time with this in the past couple of days just because it's been blatantly obvious that she is not thinking about her actions. Weird how that works.
land2634 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2010, 11:20 AM   #128 (permalink)
Member
 
land2634's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: San Angelo, TX
Posts: 301
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

In her anger, she has said she intends to file for divorce. While I don't believe she will actually do it, I'd like to plan ahead just in case.

What can I do to prolong the situation if I am indeed served with papers? Can I request court-ordered marriage counseling?
land2634 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2010, 12:26 PM   #129 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 25,428
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

It depends on your state. affaircare is good about finding those things out, if she comes here. Most places, I believe, you don't have to agree to it. I saw one lady keep it postponed for almost 3 years, waiting for his affair to die down!
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2010, 11:50 PM   #130 (permalink)
Member
 
land2634's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: San Angelo, TX
Posts: 301
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Ok, I need someone to smack me upside the head and tell me to quit chickening out. There are a few more of her family members I'd like to contact, but I'm hesitating really badly.

Furthermore, Jim lives with his parents still (yeah, he's 28 years old and still lives at home. Surely that will HAVE to be a turn-off at some point right?). I found out exactly where that is, but I do not know the names of his parents. I'd like to contact them, maybe by letter, and inform them that the girl he has been bringing home is already married and he is breaking up a marriage. Again, I'm hesitating. Given the fact that I don't know who they are, I'm hesitant to try to contact them.
land2634 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2010, 01:20 AM   #131 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 453
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

YES YES .. let Jim's parents know as well, even if you drop the letter off. Address it to Mr and Mrs..XXX

You need to beak the affair, make his life unpleasant.

Some parents may choose to support their son , but the messaged to Jim is IT AIN'T OVER BUD I WANT MY WIFE BACK

Last edited by Wisp; 07-29-2010 at 06:55 AM.
Wisp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2010, 07:55 AM   #132 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 25,428
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

You need to FIGHT for your marriage. You should be mad as HELL at him, AND at his parents for raising a kid who would do this.

If you do an online search for the address, you should be able to get their name.

By all means, contact everyone who will have an impact.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-02-2010, 01:18 PM   #133 (permalink)
Member
 
Affaircare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 2,767
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by land2634 View Post
In her anger, she has said she intends to file for divorce. While I don't believe she will actually do it, I'd like to plan ahead just in case.

What can I do to prolong the situation if I am indeed served with papers? Can I request court-ordered marriage counseling?
Hey Land~

A couple of quick notes. Bear in mind as you do this that your goal and focus is one thing: end the affair. It is extremely likely that she will be furious with you and the OM will also be very angry--after all you are taking their dark little secret and shining the light on it. In their affair fantasy, you fade quietly into the background and everyone is "happy for them" that they found someone who "makes them happy" and you are telling people the truth rather than letting them spin the half-truths. And more than anything, you are acting in a decisive way to take away their addiction. Thus, if you envision a drug addict shortly after you tell them you've cut off their supply--yeah. That would be close to the reaction you should expect. And we all know that cutting off the supply will help the addict recover, but to them, all they hear is "You know that thing that makes you feel so good? I took that away."

So her rage, his rage, even some anger from those who have been supporting the affair -- that is all to be expected. What I suggest is that for everything she says, just recognize it as Disloyal Dizzy Talk and try to turn it back around. Here are a few examples:

Disloyal: "Now I'll NEVER want to return to the marriage"
Loyal: "You're right, who would want a cheater to return to the marriage? I don't--I want an honest partner in life."

Disloyal: "How could you drag my name through the mud."
Loyal: "You're right. How could you drag your name through the mud by acting like this when you know better?"

Disloyal: "I want a divorce! I'm through with this marriage."
Loyal: "You're right. A cheater would not honor their vows or keep heir promises. I'm not a cheater, I make the choice to be honest. I'm through with this marriage and I want a better one."

Disloyal: "Why are you blaming (me, OP, work, etc.)?"
Loyal: "You're right why am I? You can make choices and you can experience the consequence of the choices you make."

Sort of see what I'm doing? They say something all dizzy to justify their affair, and you agree, then turn it around so that what they said applies to THEM. It confuses 'em for a moment.


Regarding the second part of your question, about prolonging if they do file, I'm going to address that two ways. First, I think I'll write a post here in "Coping with Infidelity" that addresses general stalling techniques for everyone. That way it's not just here in your thread but kind of available for everyone to see. That thread is the "What To Do if The Disloyal Actually Files" thread. Also just remember that often a disloyal will talk about and threaten divorce, but won't actually take the time to file. It is their ultimate threat--"Do what I want and let me continue my affair...or else!"

Second, for you specifically, I will point out that a divorce RARELY if ever takes 1-2 months. What she's thinking is... (of course) Affair Fantasy. Every state that I know of has a minimum of a 90 day wait and some have up to a year! And it would take 90 days IF, AND ONLY IF, both parties were cooperative and agreed. As an example, in my instance my state was 90 days and by then my ex had moved out for 2 years, was with his mistresses and would not reconcile, and we pretty much agreed on all but a very few things. Ours was fairly fast and it was 120 days because by then we were 2 years of trying to work it out! If there is any disagreement or non-disclosure, I've seen divorces that take years literally. There's a lady here on TAM, 827Aug, whose divorce has taken years because it was complicated with a business and other assets (plus stalling). Sooooo...her "fantasy" of a couple months is so she can legitimize her relationship with OM. She and OM can get a love shack together and set up and play house. It has nothing whatsoever to do with reality! According to national divorce statistics, the average length of time it takes to finalize divorce settlements and other proceedings is one year in the United States.

So regarding divorce my thought would be pretty much "Stay the Course" and I would advise that until the ink is dry on the paper. This is not so much to deny that a divorce is happening--I would also suggest that you take reasonable steps to protect yourself and your family and assets from the destructive and unclear thinking of a disloyal!--but rather to remain consistent and so your own conscience is clear that you did all you could to save the marriage and honor your vow. The fact is that sometimes a disloyal hardens their heart and they are determined to do what they know is wrong, and you can't stop them from doing it! What you can do though is sleep easy knowing that you did not enable it or encourage it.
__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies

Last edited by Affaircare; 08-02-2010 at 02:01 PM.
Affaircare is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-02-2010, 02:32 PM   #134 (permalink)
Member
 
land2634's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: San Angelo, TX
Posts: 301
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

Just wanted to update everyone.

On Saturday evening, Jim tried to call me. Apparently his parents received their letter letting them know about their son's actions. For those who don't remember, Jim is 28 and still lives with his parents. Some prince charming, eh?

In any case, I didn't answer the phone call. I have no use for arguing with him, and I saw no reason to get into a yelling match. Nothing I can say or do to him is going to change his mentality, so I'm just staying the course and working on ending the affair.

My wife called me later in the night and told me she has applied for legal aid. My first thought was, "The government will pay for a divorce?!" My second thought was that if she is waiting on some sort of state-appointed attorney or whatever, the wait will take some time. I believe that alone may prolong her filing, if that is indeed what she intends to do.

I got a phone call from her this afternoon telling me I need to go by the bank and sign some paperwork to get my name off of the car loan (which would also relinquish the title to her from my understanding). Should I agree to do this? My gut is saying wait until any potential divorce proceedings, but I'm not seeing where I would be accomplishing anything by not doing what she asks in this case.

After being angry the last few times we had talked before this weekend, she was civil in our conversations recently. On Saturday, she was bawling asking why I was blaming Jim for everything. My response to her was that while I acknowledge that I lacked in meeting some of her important needs, her current affair is keeping us from working on our marriage.

She told me that she doesn't like me, much less love me, which was somewhat expected after spending some time on this forum. She told me that she "has no friends left" because I have caused them to all alienate from her. Given that I was with some of our best friends (another married couple) when she called, I knew this was not true. I mentioned to her that she has plenty of people around her that love her, but just because they don't support what she is doing does not mean they hate her.

Before hanging up, I reminded her that I love her and that when she is willing to give up her affair, I will be more than willing to work on our marriage. She just said that our marriage is over and said bye before hanging up.

Again, most of this I expected, so it hasn't caught me off guard too much, but I still have a surreal feeling that leaves me wondering if this is really happening. In any case, I press on with the hope of saving my marriage, but also trying to prepare myself for the scenario in which I may be forced to move forward without my wife. The gym has definitely been my friend. I've lost 30 pounds since June 1, both from my appetite lacking for a few weeks and spending a few days a week at the gym. I feel light on my feet again, and I'm considering joining a softball team or basketball league of some sort.

I'm also a big fan of racquetball, and a good friend of mine will be finishing up his MBA at Texas Tech next weekend and is moving back to our hometown to take a job, so we will likely be hitting the courts fairly frequently. I'm very thankful for the support group I have around me, both in my personal life and on this board. You're all appreciated and have helped me push forward during this tough stretch in my life.
land2634 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-03-2010, 06:44 AM   #135 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 814
Default Re: Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?

I just want to let you know much of what your wife has said this week, my wife said. The consequences of the affair. We have had that discussion about the OM. My responce was harsher. I called his dirt and scum. She said he was a niceguy and a true friend. I told her a true friend would have tried to save their friend's marriage not break it up.
My wife said the same thing as yours about her friends. I told her she elected to ignore them and their support. I told her they are still her friends. (She has contacted a couple of them recently.) So the pattern is followed. We know that the affair must end to begin a recovery. There are consequences and hopefully they will weigh on our spouses relationships with the OMs.
iamnottheonlyone is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my wife WillK General Relationship Discussion 62 09-27-2012 11:13 PM
Wife's 2nd emotional affair JBMB0922 Coping with Infidelity 32 04-10-2012 12:44 PM
my wife's emotional affair MGKR Coping with Infidelity 47 11-16-2011 03:10 PM
Wife's Emotional Affair Prof43 Coping with Infidelity 9 05-07-2011 03:38 PM
Wife in emotional affair how do I handle john1587 Coping with Infidelity 1 07-29-2010 02:33 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:30 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage