Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!
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Old 06-08-2010, 07:49 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

I chanced onto this website a few days ago. At that time, I was emotional and does not know what to do. Reading some of the threads calm me down a bit. I have no one to talk to and this seems like a good place to start.

Recently I have found out that my husband is having emotional affair with one of his colleague. Actually i have found out them talking on the phone intimately but before this, he said that is because the girl is having relationship problem and is helping her out. She is his colleague and also the girlfriend of his friend (also his colleague). I know my husband is a kind and helpful person so I does not suspect him at that time, even though it hurts me to hear him talk like that in his study. There is few more time again that I chanced on their talking over the phone. He will put down the phone and ask why do I disturb him in his study. At one time, I really cannot stand my curiosity and checked his phone. I found intimate and sexual texting in it. I cannot help but burst out on him in the middle of the night. After that the cold war starts. At first he admits that the girl is his little wifey and went downstair to sleep. The next day I cannot stand it, I call my mom and tell her. My mom later talk to his mom. When his mom ask him, he told her the girl is just a friend, there is nothing to it. He also said that he is so poor that nobody will actually consider him. I do not know if there is any partial truth in it. After that he confront me and saying that I force him to eat a dead cat (meaning it is not the truth but put it on his name that he did it). She is not the third party and they never had sex.

The more I checked, they have been on vacation together, with friends and also the girl's family, all without my knowledge and also the knowledge of his family. FYI we live with his mother. He is saying he go outstation to work and all that but picture shows they're hugging and all that. All this within first year of marriage! It is totally unacceptable for me.

Some background:
After marriage he changed job. When he applied to new job, he put single in his resume. He even tell me that is because if he put married, employer might think he is not so open to OT and all that. So in this new company, nobody know he's married and he never let me join any of the company staff or activities. This is where his relationship starts.

Now he has resigned from this company to a new company. I think for this new company also, he is declaring himself as single. I do not know what to do. Even though he has resigned from the previous company, he still contact the girl and call the girl frequently. When he does that, he will lock the study room or whichever room he is in. The texting still continues and become more rampant. Since I already know, there is no need to hide from me anymore. Every night he is lying next to me on the bed texting the girl with me lying there and cannot do anything. It hurt me alot to see him acting sweet and happy with the girl and with me beside him helplessly. I will feel so bad I cannot sleep the whole night thinking about what he is doing to me.

I have tried talk to him asking him what happened. Why does this happened. He said all this blame on me. Think why he can be happy with other girl but not with me. See how this girl is treating him.

He has been complaining that I am too critical with him, does not respect him and his friends and not understanding of him. "That's why for the past year, I never go anywhere with you anymore" he said. He said I was bad to him, his friends and his family and he regretted marrying me.

I know both of us is not mature enough in the relationship but I really want this to work!
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Old 06-08-2010, 09:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through the same thing until one day it got uncontrollable for me and I blew up everything....at that point I had not regard for anyone elses feelings and I subconciously I wanted everyone to feel the pain they had put me through all at once. It worked, he moved out and we barely talk anymore...when we do it is all a fight. I am so angry that he makes me feel like I did something wrong, when I know that I did not...it is like a control tactic. IDK, what to tell you. all I know is I am in the situation now, he is probably with her in some capacity during our "separation" "break up" whatever it is we are doing.

It sounds like he is very confident and strong willed and while you may be as well, because you just want to make him happy etc. he tends to take that for granted. Somehow you need him to see that people that are in your life for a short period can say/do/act etc. very friendly and kind and agreeable, because they do not live with them, see them all the time, know the history, they have not been there with them through everything...but you have.

Regardless, what you do know is that he is not being/acting the husband you once knew and loved...and it has gotten to the point of emotionally hurting you. somehow it needs to stop; it is not fair and it can not go on...no one can be expected to live with another while they make them feel that way.

Good luck.
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Old 06-08-2010, 08:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

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Originally Posted by christmaslady View Post

It sounds like he is very confident and strong willed and while you may be as well, because you just want to make him happy etc. he tends to take that for granted. Somehow you need him to see that people that are in your life for a short period can say/do/act etc. very friendly and kind and agreeable, because they do not live with them, see them all the time, know the history, they have not been there with them through everything...but you have.

Yes. Both of us is very stubborn but one of us have to let go being stubborn. At least we still stay together in the same room. Once I tried to move to another room but he prevented me from doing so. He has told his mother that he wanted a divorce but his mom ask him to give me another chance. He seems like giving me chance but also at the same time continuing contacting the other girl. I'm confused! He's now treating me like just a normal friend or a roommate. Whatever things that I did to try to improve the relationship he just say that I'm acting out and that is not the real me.

Both of us have been through a lot for us to be together. Especially because of the long distance relationship, my parents not agreeable with me together with him, pregnancy, abortion, getting married, changing jobs, buying house, car, family member dying and all that. I do not know why he can forget that so easily. Why he give up so easily?

He is asking the girl that a lot of things, especially if the girl can accept him as he is. He feels that I have too high expectation of him that he cannot perform and feeling down with me.
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Old 06-09-2010, 01:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

Bellz -

When a person is in the midst of having an affair their thinking processes are quite clouded - they think 'in a fog.' They revise the past history of the marriage to make it seem too intolerable to handle, they magnify the flaws of their spouse, and concentrate on all the negative things in the marriage. At the same time, they glorify all things about their lover, ignoring any negatives. It's kind of a defense mechanism: infidelity is intrinsically wrong, so they have to find ways to make it seem (in this totally rare case, of course) to be the only acceptable option they can take. The ironic thing is that nearly every single person involved in adultery feels like their is a rare, and justified case.

What does all this mean? Whenever your husband makes comments like '...He feels that I have too high expectation of him that he cannot perform...' etc., he is rewriting things so that what he is doing seems the right thing to do. Curiously, if you listen to his statement - you'll see that what he is saying to this other woman is that he is glad he found someone with low standards so that moral issues are not a problem.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

The affair must end in order for your marriage to survive. It is either the affair or the marriage - there is no in between. Your husband will not willingly give it up - he is deep in a fog right now and not thinking clearly. But there are steps you can do to fight for your marriage (remember - NO fighting with him!!!!)

1st step is to confront him - you wrote that when you discovered the affair, you asked hm about the phone messages - he said 'yes' I'm having an affair' (actually, he told you this other woman was his 'wifey' - bigamy is illegal most places!) While this is certainly a form of confrontation - it is not what we mean by the word. When we say to confront him, we mean to tell him (calmly) that you are aware of the affair, and you request that he stop immediately and end ALL further contact with the other person. No discussion, no argument - just a PLAIN, CLEAR statement, done respectfully and calmly. It doesn't even matter what your spouse says; all that matters is that you make this a formal declaration - it is the start of your program for recovering your marriage.

Disclose: you did talk to this with his mother. That was a wise thing to do. Again, he will work hard to change her mind about what is going on, and she will most likely believe him....at first. But as things progress, and it becomes more and more evident what is happening, she will see the truth. So don't expect her to go any farther than she has at this moment - and do expect him to constantly deceive her.

Stay truthful and let him do all the lying. This will have huge consequences later.

Exposure:this is where you need to start. Your husband has set up an entire private world where you don't exist. This is a perfect way to carry on an affair. His employers and colleagues have no idea that he is married. All his friends know is that you are a mean, evil and nasty person who wants him to be miserable. He has worked all of this to his advantage. Exposure sheds some light onto the whole subject - it will let people see some new things in a new way.

Don't expect everyone (or anyone) to believe you - especially at first; you've given him the freedom to hide you away and pretend you don't exist. It will take some time for things to start 'adding up' for everyone involved.

As for his 'wanting to be single to get OT' - which do you choose - a faithful husband or a bit more money? Most companies will also give OT to people whom they trust will do the best work for them.
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Old 06-09-2010, 11:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

Thank you Tanelornpete and Affaircare.

All this advices made me more calm and in control of myself.
I will try to find suitable time and occasion to speak to him.

The only thing I'm insecure is even if he has stopped the affair, it does not mean that our relationship will be back to last time. He could still be cold to me for the rest of our life and start another affair in the future.
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Old 06-10-2010, 12:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

Yes he can at anytime..but if you are willing to trust him that is totally up to you...you hear 'once a cheater always a cheater' often..but all cheaters had never cheated at one time.
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Old 06-10-2010, 12:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

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The only thing I'm insecure is even if he has stopped the affair, it does not mean that our relationship will be back to last time. He could still be cold to me for the rest of our life and start another affair in the future.
While this is a possibility, a lot of this depends on what you do to work on your marriage. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking things in a marriage will be fine as long as the affair quits. But most affairs begin when things in the marriage are not going well. The affair is seen as the solution to the problem. Ending the affair without then working on the marital problems means that the possibility of another affair is even larger - this time with less chance of recovery.

The time to start working on the marriage is as soon as you suspect an affair - but as soon as it stops, both partners need to become involved in fixing the troubles. In my opinion this is more important that healing the wound of the affair. Work on the marriage WILL heal the wounds. Its a huge mistake to wait for the pain to reside before moving into building a stronger marriage.

Without strong communication the marriage cannot be improved. In essence, if your husband is serious about staying married, he will do all he can to work with you. But first the affair needs to end.

Remember this: while the affair is in action, your husband will certainly treat you differently that he would otherwise. That's a good sign the affair is still going on.
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Old 06-10-2010, 03:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

oh boy
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Old 06-11-2010, 12:55 AM   #9 (permalink)
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oh yes..and it sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 06-14-2010, 12:19 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

I don't know if I have made the situation worse.

Last week I tried to add a few of his ex colleague whom he's close with and hang out a lot in the FB. My intention is just to see if they have pictures of them hanging out together, if there is anymore that he's not telling me. He's been avoiding talking to me about this topic, which each time will end up in anger and avoidance.

He's been telling his mom that there is nothing going on despite all the messaging and phone calls that happening all the time. His mom try to convince him that I have misjudged him. Give him time and do not provoke him. I don't know what to believe.

So he found out from his friend that I tried to add them and turn his anger towards me. Say that he's done with my behaviour and going to move out next month, considering of divorce. Saying that I try to make his life miserable, causing trouble, effect his reputation and possibly lifelihood by acting jealous and immature.

I have asked my mom to go to the temple and ask for guidance. They have come back to say that this year my luck is really bad. The house too big for the three of us, including mother in law. This causes bad aura and possibly evil spirit to disturb our emotions. The good thing is he's a family man and if want to go through this, I have to be patient and do not provoke him.

Is all this in my imagination only and not the truth? Did what I do really made the situation worse that I really is? We are not in talking terms now. I don't know what it's going to be next month.
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Old 06-14-2010, 04:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

Bellz, it doesn't sound to me like he has been interested in marriage from the very first day you met. He wants to hide you away, pretend you don't exist.

It could be that you are making the situation 'worse' - but I also want to point out that this is NOT NECESSARILY A BAD THING. Many people who are cheating on their spouses feel that if their spouse confronts them, they are 'making things worse' - that's because he wants you to shut up, and let him do whatever he wants, when he wants it. So don't worry about this. He will do what he wants, and you can't control that.

You can control what you do though. You can be strong.

I do understand that there are large cultural differences between yours and mine: in my culture, a man is proud to be married, and wants the world to know his wife. For the most part (there are people who don't act this way, of course) we tend to put more importance on the marriage than on reputation. Actually, our reputation is built on how well we are married.

Like I said, this is not the way everyone here does it - many people have forgotten what the words 'honor your spouse' mean. Regardless, you have a difficult time ahead of you.

I would ask you to examine your own actions carefully: do you truly believe that you are acting immature? Or is this an excuse your husband is using to control you? Do you want to be controlled this way?

As for being jealous: this is NOT a bad thing. If you were out chasing after other men, I would bet your husband would be very angry - and jealous.

One thing I would suggest is that any time you talk about this with his mother, simply say that it bothers you that he is cheating on you. Don't get into an argument, don't try to prove it. Just say it bothers you, that you do not believe an honorable man should behave that way, and then change the subject - talk about something else. Let his mother, over time, think about what you are saying.
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Old 06-14-2010, 11:05 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Tanelornpete,

The situation is worst still. Both of us is considering divorce. I cannot stand it anymore. I have been having sleepless night and bad appetite since all this happen. My health is jeopardized. I have nowhere to turn to. My family is far away and I'm unable to move out. He has indicated that he does not love me and hate me for all the things that are happening to him. He has his girlfriend to support him emotionally. My family support my decision too.
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Old 06-16-2010, 12:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Bellz - haven't forgotten you - I'm working on a reply for you...
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Old 06-16-2010, 12:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

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Originally Posted by Bellz View Post
Tanelornpete,

The situation is worst still. Both of us is considering divorce. I cannot stand it anymore. I have been having sleepless night and bad appetite since all this happen. My health is jeopardized. I have nowhere to turn to. My family is far away and I'm unable to move out. He has indicated that he does not love me and hate me for all the things that are happening to him. He has his girlfriend to support him emotionally. My family support my decision too.
I am so sorry for you, Bellz. While Tanelornpete will no doubt give you good advice and support, I fear you may be frozen in the cultural expectations you are stuck in at the moment. Is remaining married prized above everything else, including your physical safety, for example?

I hope that your family will support you, if need be. You deserve it. Please let us know.
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Old 06-16-2010, 02:00 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!

Thanks Tanelornpete and tealeaves4 for the support.

Now is the time to consider is this what I want in a marriage.
Initially he wants a caring and supportive wife. Playful and friendly. Someone who could blend well with his friends and family. Someone to share everything.

I also want the same thing. But alot of things that he have done has made me insecure and I started complaining and he accuse me of being controlling and dependent. I have changed my hectic job before marriage for normal office hour job so I can spend more time with him. But he start to distance from me, saying I'm too free and needing him all the time. The complaining gets bad and his friends start to distance him due to me complaining in front of them. He hates me for ruining his friendship. I have turned into attention grabbing freak.

What I want is very simple, I just want a companion in life who can share everything with me. Whatever he do, I'll be beside him. Honouring promises is also very important. I did not force him to make all the promise. But once made, why does he want to break it? I found that what he say today and what he say tomorrow can mean totally different thing. All to best accomodate what he wants. I also don't know what he wants anymore.

Now the share everything is not there anymore. I am prevented to contact his work related people. He create a world where I do not exist. A few days ago he told me about MBA (Married but Available). He said alot people in his office is like that and that is what he wants to be. I can't live with that. I can't live with him having double personality/identity. I want my old husband back or I want out.
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