Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: Husband having emotional affair and is angry with me, pls help!
When a person is in the midst of having an affair their thinking processes are quite clouded - they think 'in a fog.' They revise the past history of the marriage to make it seem too intolerable to handle, they magnify the flaws of their spouse, and concentrate on all the negative things in the marriage. At the same time, they glorify all things about their lover, ignoring any negatives. It's kind of a defense mechanism: infidelity is intrinsically wrong, so they have to find ways to make it seem (in this totally rare case, of course) to be the only acceptable option they can take. The ironic thing is that nearly every single person involved in adultery feels like their is a rare, and justified case.
What does all this mean? Whenever your husband makes comments like '...He feels that I have too high expectation of him that he cannot perform...' etc., he is rewriting things so that what he is doing seems the right thing to do. Curiously, if you listen to his statement - you'll see that what he is saying to this other woman is that he is glad he found someone with low standards so that moral issues are not a problem.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
The affair must end in order for your marriage to survive. It is either the affair or the marriage - there is no in between. Your husband will not willingly give it up - he is deep in a fog right now and not thinking clearly. But there are steps you can do to fight for your marriage (remember - NO fighting with him!!!!)
1st step is to confront him - you wrote that when you discovered the affair, you asked hm about the phone messages - he said 'yes' I'm having an affair' (actually, he told you this other woman was his 'wifey' - bigamy is illegal most places!) While this is certainly a form of confrontation - it is not what we mean by the word. When we say to confront him, we mean to tell him (calmly) that you are aware of the affair, and you request that he stop immediately and end ALL further contact with the other person. No discussion, no argument - just a PLAIN, CLEAR statement, done respectfully and calmly. It doesn't even matter what your spouse says; all that matters is that you make this a formal declaration - it is the start of your program for recovering your marriage.
Disclose: you did talk to this with his mother. That was a wise thing to do. Again, he will work hard to change her mind about what is going on, and she will most likely believe him....at first. But as things progress, and it becomes more and more evident what is happening, she will see the truth. So don't expect her to go any farther than she has at this moment - and do expect him to constantly deceive her.
Stay truthful and let him do all the lying. This will have huge consequences later.
Exposure:this is where you need to start. Your husband has set up an entire private world where you don't exist. This is a perfect way to carry on an affair. His employers and colleagues have no idea that he is married. All his friends know is that you are a mean, evil and nasty person who wants him to be miserable. He has worked all of this to his advantage. Exposure sheds some light onto the whole subject - it will let people see some new things in a new way.
Don't expect everyone (or anyone) to believe you - especially at first; you've given him the freedom to hide you away and pretend you don't exist. It will take some time for things to start 'adding up' for everyone involved.
As for his 'wanting to be single to get OT' - which do you choose - a faithful husband or a bit more money? Most companies will also give OT to people whom they trust will do the best work for them.